When Terpsichore Met Confusia

How Terpsichore Came Into My Life by Confusia (With additional commentary by Terpsichore) More in Pink by Confusia

Back in August of '99, I accepted, against my better judgement, the position of Teacher's Assistant in what was referred to as an R-3 Classroom. R-3 meant "Emotionally Disturbed". I was told the kids would be between the ages of 5 and 10 basically, but I would be assisting the teacher working with the younger students. The teacher invited me over to her house one day to have a meeting with her and the woman they'd just hired to teach (you of course use the word "teach" very loosely...) the older ED kids. That's where I beheld Terps for the first time. We were the "new ones" (read "idiots"). I was the assistant in one room, she was the teacher in the room next door. God, we were so innocent (read "stupid").
As a side note, my first impressions of Terps were the following:
1. Smoker (But I'm not a smoker???)
2. A Little Reserved (That's what they say at karaoke...) Not.
3. Not "normal" for a teacher. By that, I mean you weren't wearing a sweater with apples and chalkboards on it.

At the first faculty meeting of the year, the Principal (Bitch) introduced both of us to the faculty. Here's how that went...(alright, I'm going to exaggerate just a little but not nearly enough, sadly.)

"I got a letter from Ms. Confusia's mother, who I used to work with, and she asked me if I had any openings because she had a daughter who was an out-of-work bum, or well, a waitress. She begged and pleaded with me to hire her loser kid, and so I took pity on her. Everybody welcome Ms. Confusia." That was a bit uncomfortable.

"Our other new teacher this year is Ms. Terpsichore. When I first saw her with all those earrings, I thought to myself, 'My God, what a FREAK!', but she did have good references, and God knew I wasn't going to be able to find anyone else to take this shit job, so here she is." I remember it being far more negative than that. It was more like, "Fellow educators, try not to gasp audibly when we unveil her. Her hearing is quite good, and she can be very sensitive," Mrs. Bitch said as the cut the ropes which held the shroud around the cage. "I am not an animal," I said in defense.

When the school year began, we both quickly realized what we were up against. Our first rude awakening occured at "Crisis Prevention and Intervention" training. This is a two day long affaire where they teach you everything from how to talk a kid down from a crisis, to taking him down...as in, on the floor. We learned how to "defend" ourselves against chokeholds, kicks, punches, slaps, and the Whirling Star of Death Ninja Attack. Nothing brings you closer to someone than putting each other in physical restraints, you know what I mean? (And some of us are just too elusive, eh? Hey, btw, do you know what I remember most about that class? I remember when you had to act like a little child stabbing yourself with a pair of scissors. Had I known what we'd be up against in the coming months, I would have let you do it.)
We were prepared...we thought.

Ah, the cast of characters that were the students we enjoyed that year. Here's a quick rundown of the more memorable ones:
Student A: Future Jeffrey Dahmer. We took an unidentifiable bone off of him one day. He yelled, "THAT'S PART OF MY COLLECTION!!!"
Student B: The most astute judge of character you've ever met. If this kid looked at anyone and said, "He/She ain't right." You could put money on it. Sometimes, we would be particularly frustrated with one of the other kids, and this kid would say the things we wanted to say, but couldn't. He'd get a soft pat on the back and a "Now, _______, that's not very nice." I loved that kid.
Famous Quotes: "HEY! HE left his PEE RAG in here! YOU'RE A STUPID PEE BOY WITH YOUR PEE RAG!"
"I don't like that Frizzy haired lady!"
Student C: This kid put three of the four of us in the Emergency Room that year. I think he got suspended for one day.
STudent D: This kid would lie on the floor and scream all day. It sounded like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park, I kid you not. This kid sucked, and I still don't like him eight years later.

Of course, we had several other assorted kids...runners, poop throwers, that girl from the Exorcist... (My therapist says I'm not allowed to talk about them anymore.)

Every day, we suffered various injuries as we had kids pretty much just beating the shit out of us. We learned that Crisis Prevention was basically a load of crap. It was Open Season in there, and we were the prey. We had kids spit in our faces, headbutt us, kick us, bite us, drag us down hallways, punch us...Even better were the creative names we were called. We determined about midway through the year that the kids had preferred names for us. I was "Motherfucker." Terps was "C***sucker." How did they know? ha ha(I know this comment will be met with severe retribution. I still couldn't resist.) That you fuck your mom? I always wondered how they knew that too...

Very early in the year we took a trip with Terpsichore's roommate to New Orleans. I'd mentioned to Terps that I'd always wanted to go, so we arranged a weekend trip for my 27th birthday. Funnily enough, my birthday (September 25th, cash is fine.) fell during Gay Pride Week so there were even more sights to see than usual.
My first day there we caught the Gay Pride parade that came by our lodgings on Rue St. Anne. Terps was a real hit with the "Dykes on Bikes" Their name for themselves, BTW. Not our name for them.(Wow. I can't believe you brought that up here...)krewe. My "special friends" would meet up with me later that evening.

I'll let Terpsichore carry on a bit from here.

To be honest, Confusia, I don't know if it's because we went there so many times, or that I would later move there, or if I just drank too much, but I don't really remember what happened that weekend. Was that the Charity Event? All I do remember was the birth of the Beastlie Girls on the way home that weekend. The birth of the Beastlie Girls happened later that year on a trip you and your roommate took without me. For full story, go to Yahoo Geocities and search for Beastlie Girls. It will bring up the Beastlie Girls website (which desperately needs to be updated.) Wait....really? I thought we were listening to Liscense to Ill and had the brainchild right there, in my RAV4.

And why did you think I was a smoker? Everyone I hung out with at the time smoked. I figured we'd get along, therefore, you must be a smoker. I was half-right, at the time, you did sometimes have a menthol when you drank. Confusia, do we need to work on fractions again. The fact that I sometimes had a menthol when I drank doesn't make you half-right... What are you, some kind of teacher??