What else could I do? Confusia brought up some very important points; some I had considered, some not. Either way, I had thoughts to add.
Then Confusia had some MORE comments to add... in OMG ORANGE!
Atlas' original text in Compulsive Liar Cornflower
Dear Terpsichore,
Do you think he's even a doctor? Of course I do not. Not even for a second. In fact, I kind of imagine him living in his mom's trailer in Slidell, LA looking at his dad's Civil War memorabilia and eating Funyuns. Really, and I hate to say this because it sounds really cynical, (as if I've ever been afraid of cynicism...ha ha) nothing that men do really surprises me anymore. No, not surprising in the least. Sad, yes, but not surprising. And PLEASE remind me why I'm so reluctant to get involved in relationships. I forget.
So, he's probably not a doctor, probably doesn't live in San Diego..etc. GASP!!! I had kind of a big question mark when we went out the other night and you were telling me how he's almost afraid to start something with you because he feels like, if it doesn't work out, then nothing would. In my experiences with you, I have noticed that men are never afraid to start something with you, under any circumstances. It just didn't make alot of sense based on past observations. My guess is that you aren't just seeing a conspiracy. Let me tell you something else...The picture of him you showed me...either A...it could be anyone because the head shot was blurred, (granted, this could just be that I'm blind as a bat, and the picture was actually clear as a bell..ha ha) or B. it was him, he is a workout fiend, and let's just say for the record, that guys who make themselves look like that usually always have some sort of complex. Oh shit, I can't believe I didn't tell you about finding him on all those steroid message boards. Oh wow....how did I let that one slip??? They are either compulsive liars, who tell you very impressive stories...out of curiosity...has he ever told you a story involving him saving a life in a medical capacity? Of course. Man takes machette to wife, son, and self, blah, blah, blah. I like that color on you... He probably didn't tell it like it was a huge event...maybe kind of blase, but still telling you? See reference above. Has he ever told you that he A. has done some modeling B. is really into athletics, and was a star whatever when he was a kid or in High School. C. that he's really into martial arts, and is a black belt at something? Oh, I'm not sure if this goes under B or C, but yes. Of course, he was a prize winning boxer. (And I don't think he meant AKC when he said it.) D. That he's really involved in some kind of organization that helps children? Gee, I'm not sure. Does specializing in pediatric oncology count??? If he has, then I'd put my money on him being a compulsive liar...all of these stories are, in the words of my hero, Dr. Evil, pretty much standard, really. :)
I present you with Exhibit A:
When I lived in Austin, there was this guy who said he taught dance lessons to disadvantaged children, and had performed with MC Hammer..(laugh. This gives away my age in a very unflattering light. The guy I ended up being a, LIAR!!! Never worked with disadvantaged kid, never worked with MC Hammer, didn't make as much money as he said...it was all just a bunch of crap....This guy left with another woman in front of me, then claimed that it was because her dogs were sick, and he was going to go help her with them...Sure. The guy ended up being a, LIAR!!! Never worked with disadvantaged kid, never worked with MC Hammer, didn't make as much money as he said...it was all just a bunch of crap....This guy left with another woman in front of me, then claimed that it was because her dogs were sick, and he was going to go help her with them...Sure. A good Samaritan AND an animal lover? How'd you let him go? This guy actually had the gall to call me at 3 in the morning and ask why I was seen walking down 6th Street with another man...Hate the game, not the playa'..ha ha
The other guy was in Maine..
He had modelled and lived in Paris for a year...couldn't speak a word of French, except one pleasantry he probably picked up on a summer vacation to Quebec. Voyez vous coushez avec moi? He was a black belt in Judo. Prize winning boxer, yes, yes...He had been a soccer player destied for the Olympics until an "injury" had ruined his chances. In this case the "injury" could be testing positive for HGH??? He was shorter than I am, less muscular than I am...but you get the picture.
Maybe there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for these things...maybe he works for the CIA and CAN'T tell you what he really does. Maybe he's in Delta Force. Ok, so this is the part in which your sleuth skills truly amaze me. Following is an excerpt from an email he sent because I hinted at the fact that I JUST might be on to him. (This will astound even you.): So what is all of this about? What big things do you have going on? I have never lied to you about anything that would affect us. Am I still under contract from a civilian contract company that operates over seas? Umbrella Corporation.Possibly. Can I talk about my relationship with them? I honestly cant. Is the board member I spoke of affiliated with them as well? This board member also knows where the Holy Grail is located, and the exact Da Vinci painting that holds the key to it all. Possibly. I dont even like discussing it in an unencrypted email format. Seriously, Confusia, I'm not even joking. I'm laughing right now, out loud no less, but in a very uncomfortable way. This line is so good, I'm going to have to start using it..FREQUENTLY. "I'm sorry I didn't get that paperwork in to you on time. I didn't want to send it in an unencrypted e-mail format.", "I'm sorry the laundry isn't done, Honey. I was afraid to do it in unencrypted format." Maybe he's a perfectly good guy but due to constraints with his REAL job, he is forced to lie. which would cause some real hardships for a good guy to deal with. That doesn't explain why he would tell you he wrote a paper that he didn't write, though. That's a lie that's for no apparent reason. It's not like you told him you wouldn't talk to him anymore if he didn't have a paper to his credit, you know? Maybe it's my own bias against people who take credit for things they didn't write or have the intelligenece to come up with on their own...(BEar with me, my fingers are cold, and there are typos, but I don't want to go back and correct every stupid one of them) I personally don't like or admire people who take credit for stuff they didn't do. That, to me, is the sorriest thing out of all that you told me. Agreed! Agreed! Speaking to the choir for the REAL!!!! I don't care how badly he might want to impress you, it's theft. Far worse than taking someone's bike...they didn't make that to begin with...theft of an idea is way more personal. But I am kind of militant about that...ha ha
I think you should just ask him about these things. STraight up...he can either come clean, and try to offer up some reason for it that will either stand or not. Or he can choose to perpetuate all this...Either way, you'll get a glimpse of his true character. Really? See here's what I think (and quite possibly why I would be the better candidate in taking over when Dr. Evil is no longer able to carry on.) I think that once I get my hands on that background check I will know everything that I need to know. So, my plan is to send him an email that says simply: I wonder when it all spiraled out of control for you. I thought you might want to add this to the paper you're writing. And here I would paste the rest of the paper that I found when I looked "his" up on Google. See, because I don't really care anymore. I have NO intention of ever seeing his steroid-infused person again. I'm done! See. This is why I'd think I'd be a really good candidate for Mr. Bigglesworth...I think you need to send him a letter from your "LAWYER FRIEND, Sal Goldstein. Just like the one you sent me back in the first year we worked together...if you know what I mean. He needs to get a letter from someone representing this alleged "company", and its alleged "Board Member" asking him why he's breaking confidentiality laws. If he's making all this up, think how panicked he'll be if he thinks he actually hit on some kind of truth with his lies..."Oh my God! There really is a company like this, and now they think I know all about it when I was just making it up." I mean, there's no way he could convince them he was lying...ha ha The words coming out are so devious, but I can't seem to stop myself...Send him the letter, pop some corn, and enjoy the show!!! Then send me "One MILLION dollars!"
Write back soon! My boredom level is nearing critical mass!
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