So I Finally Have 2 Free Minutes...

Dearest Confusia,
Today I gave the students a task that doesn't involve me holding their hands (or even talking to/acknowledging them) so I figured I'd take this moment to log in and see if you'd be on yet. Which you have, so...
Last night was Back to School Night here. It was awesome. My school day started at 8:40 in the morning and ended at 8:15 in the evening. I love working 12 hour days. I especially love working them as a salaried employee who doesn't get any overtime. It's neat. The other neat things about school this year is that instead of starting at 8:30, like last year, it starts at 9:15. Sounds good, right? Well, it's not. In fact, most mornings we get to have meetings (instead of having them after school and being here until midnight) starting at the ass crack of dawn. It's super. So far, I'm loving it. I suppose the only thing keeping me going is Labor Day. It just scares me thinking about the stretch from Labor Day until Thanksgiving. I feel some mental health days in my future.
Ugh! The natives are getting restless.
Love ya,
Terps

FREE AT LAST!!! FREE AT LAST!!!

Dear Terps,
I AM DIVORCED!!!
Love, Confusia

Confusia Checking In

Dear Terps,
Well, another school year has begun, and I'm already looking forward to the last day of school! ha ha My feet hurt so bad from yesterday that I wish I could unscrew them and hang them in my closet until they feel better.
As for summertime updates...
Tubes cut and burned last Monday. I have been sterile for a week now, and it feels SUPER! No more worrying about any reproductive superpowers! The surgery went very well, and was one of my favorite days of the summer. There I was, completely drugged up and lying in bed all day. AWESOME! I'm not saying I'd want to do that every day, but as my step-brother said, it was a nice chemical vacation. As you know from the txt I sent you while under the influence,(tb burn ctt, mmo nop jjids mmow) I was very relaxed.
Also, my divorce will be final in two days!!! I will be single again, legally, and free of Mr. Confusia's sh++ forever! YAY. Don't worry, I'll have a margarita for you, too!
I have been accepted into Texas Woman's U, and will once again be working on my degree, which I will finish in no more than three years, though possibly in two if I work fantastically hard.
Still seeing my friend, who is a complete delight. I think it's been about 8 months now. He's amazing, and wonderful, and I adore him. I have such fun with him. :)
So that's about it for me. All good news for a change. Well, there is one bad thing, and I don't know if I can cope. List of the Day is blocked now, and I can't get to it. I'm telling you, the Man is cruel!!! So, if Cary ever checks in here, I hope he knows that I will fix my dilemna as soon as possible.
How is your year going so far? I hope it's awesome! Plus, I need you to start having man troubles again...(think tattoo guy, heart in a box guy, etc.) ha ha Reading your hilarious takes on it all makes the day better. :) Though, I still hold out some kind of strange hope for you and that guy in California, and you know who I mean. That was quite a match!
Love you, Confusia

Confusia Seen With Goofy Smile On Face

Dear Terps,
Isn't it strange that even in the midst of a personal struggle in life, there can be elements that are completely wonderful? I am amazed that at a time when I could be feeling really down, there are moments when I am indeed very grateful to be alive, and even happy. Life can be mysterious. That's not to say that I'm jumping up and down every minute of the day. I'm not. Today, though, I just keep smiling. :) :) :)
Love, Confusia

Is It Really Happening?

Dearest Confusia,
Could it be? Is it true? Has the last day of school finally arrived?
Sweetness!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
WHAAAATTT?????
No fair! I want this to be my last day of school, too!
Love, Confusia

Dear Terps,
I have officially filed for divorce. 61 days, and it will all be over.
Love, Confusia

And Time Stood Still

Dear Confusia,
I can't figure out which is worse, that this is only Wednesday (and Monday was a holiday) or that it's only 9:45. Either way, time is DRAGGING. I guess I should be happy that there are only 6 days of school left (5 if we don't count today), but when the clock seems to be stuck, it doesn't really matter, right?
Actually, if I think about everything I have to accomplish between now and next Wednesday, I might start to cry. We have the following to get through: college research presentations, diversity workshops, Shakespearean dress rehearsals and performances, mythology projects, film viewing of Speak, talent show, Fiest Texas field trip, kayaking field trip, year book signing, teachers vs. students dodgeball tournament, advisory kickball tournament, curriculum binders for ALL THREE PREPS! ARGH!!!!!
How is it going over there?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Remind me never to work there. Why have they packed so much into so few days? They couldn't have spread it out a little? That doesn't make much sense.
Nothing much happening here. Several months ago I sent all the paperwork off to the divorce attorney, but I still hadn't heard back from him. I'm tired of waiting on him, so I just finished all the paperwork myself and am filing all on my own! That's how you get a free divorce! Good thinking, huh? So all I have to do now is turn that stuff in downtown (tomorrow! bright and early!!!!) , and wait 61 days or less, and then I will no longer be a separatee...I will be a divorcee. Couldn't happen too soon. Shall we plan a party, perhaps? A little karaoke madness? Actually, I don't care if I'm the only one there, and the party involves me relaxing on the couch with a good book, it will still be considered a party! ha ha
So as far as Rachel's wedding goes...Do you think it would be in bad taste to get her a divorce gift certificate? Honestly, I can give her my card with one free divorce included because I'm practically an expert now. I think it would be a very practical gift. If she doesn't need it, that's great, but she'll have the protection of knowing it's there. ha ha
No, no, no. I'm kidding. Despite it all, I still think marriage can be a really wonderful thing, but you just have to be really careful about who you do it with...ha ha
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Why have they packed so much in the last week? Well, that's probably because we've been preparing for TAKS and finals up until now. We haven't had any free time. When you have kids taking 5 different TAKS tests and no teachers want to give up a second of class time because of that, you find yourself with a shit ton of activities to do in the last week of school. Oh, when I was giving my list of everything that has to be done, I forgot to mention the cotillion this weekend. Oh goodie!
So, as for your divorce, congratulations! I remember mine well. I remember it was scheduled at 9:00 (first thing on the court docket). I left from there to go get him off my insurance at work. I then went to get a new social security card without THAT last name on it. And I rounded out the day by getting a new driver's license. It was the best day of my life! I'm all for a party, but would need to know when and where and hope that I can be around for it!
Oh God! They're back...
Love, Terps

Rough Weekend: Thankful for the Extra Recovery Day

Dear Confusia,
Here's hoping this finds you well. I hope you had a smashingly good Memorial Day and enjoyed your long weekend. I did not.
Christina's birthday was last Tuesday. Well, as we all had to work on Wednesday, we decided that we would just wait until Saturday to celebrate. And celebrate we did. We celebrated SO much that I spent most of Sunday promising that I would NEVER celebrate anything ever again. I have no idea what exactly happened, but I was sicker than a dog. I know I had a few shots, but really, it did not seem like anything out of the ordinary. However, once I got home Saturday night/Sunday morning, my bathroom became a vomitorium. I threw up so much that I thought I HAD to be puking up internal organs (my OLD diet plan, getting rid of pesky internal organs). If that wasn't enough, when I was finally able to drag my miserably sore and unwell body out of bed later Sunday morning, it became RetchFest 2009. At this point, there was no substance coming out, just a constant gagging (great for the abs, by the way). At about 1:00, I managed to eat about half of a Luna Bar. At 1:20, I (remarkably) managed to throw up an entire Luna Bar (who knows how???). After that I decided the only thing I could do was go back to bed. I literally crawled to my bed, trailed by Rhoda and Bowie (they thought this was the best game ever). I had no sooner hoisted myself into bed before the metalic taste of upcoming upchuck flooded my mouth. I threw myself toward the bathroom door just in time to splatter bile all over my closed toilet lid. (Why oh why had I closed it? How silly was I to have thought the whole ordeal could be over???) I then continued to vomit up bile for what seemed like hours but was maybe ten minutes. I do not know if you have much experience in the bile puking department, but it is unpleasant. As I don't have a gall bladder to store my bile, I have had the bile vomitting experience numerous times, and it never gets better. After that, I crawled back to bed where I simply asked the powers that be to kindly kill me. Clearly they did not. After a two-hour nap, I woke up somewhat better but not good by any stretch. It was not until Monday morning that I actually did feel on the verge of death. Thankfully, I had Monday to recover. So, all in all, my weekend sucked nuts. Do tell me all about yours!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Um, well...mine wasn't as bad as yours, nope. What on earth did you drink that caused all of this? did you drink on an empty stomach, because that's what usually makes me end up over the toilet after drinking. That hasn't happened to me in over a year, though, so that's good. Maybe you had a stomach virus simultaneously. what you are describing sounds like my experience last March. Bad stomach virus, night of endless vomiting, ER visit complete with IV full of liquids, anti-vomit medicine, and morphine, on a plane with three kids three hours later on my way to New Jersey to be Bridesmaid for sister. I will never forget that because it was one of the most difficult, strenuous things I've had to do, ever. There have been a few times in my life when I've been amazed to discover the amount of strength I possess. This was one of those occasions. It doesn't sound all that big a deal, but navigating an airport with three kids when you feel like complete death? I just wanted to cry and give up. It started on a Wed. night, and I didn't wake up feeling human until Saturday morning. I bet that's what happened. Virus. I'm glad you're feeling better now, though.
I didn't do much Saturday or Sunday. I worked on my garden, did a million loads of laundry, cleaned house, read some books, played with the baby. Monday, my friend invited me out to lunch and a movie. So we played grand theft auto two, and he killed me about a million times. Then, we went to see Terminator Salvation. He's so wonderful. There are so many things about him that I respect and admire. Sigh... :)
After I left his apartment, I picked up the kids, and took them swimming for a short while. We got to the pool, and had been there for five minutes when Isaac tells me he has to go to the bathroom. So that kind of cut the swim time short. The water was quite cold, but I managed to get in the pool anyway. The baby was in heaven. I had to keep lifting her up because she was trying to stick her whole head in the water. she's ready to go!
Anyway, now back at work. Terrific. I can't believe first period just ended. ????????? that only took five hours. Why is time passing so slowly???
Love, Confusia

So?????

The question on everyone's minds...how did the tiramisu turn out?
Oh and I wouldn't want to drive back to Ft. Worth from Henderson after the wedding if I were you. It's probably 3 or 4 hours and the wedding doesn't even start until 7. Maybe you could go in with us on our room? Just a thought. Let me know. And I can't believe the man in your life doesn't want to spend a romantic get-away weekend in exotic Henderson, Texas, watching two strangers get married. Pity. Oh, and what are you wearing to the wedding?
Dear Terps,
I think the Tiramisu turned out pretty well. There was a lot of it, too, because I didn't discover that the recipe served 15 until I got to the end of the recipe. :) I left the rest of it with him because he said he would have it finished by today. That's good, because the thought of how many calories it has tells me that I do NOT need to be the one to finish it off! It was an amazing meal, though! He is an unbelievably good cook. He made a curry that was completely perfect. Then there were these sauces that he made! An habanero pepper sauce, a mango jalapeno dressing, cucumber sticks...SO GOOD! It put my tiramisu to shame. Seriously, my toes curl when I think about that curry! To top it off, he had a large bottle of Capt. Morgan (he must be psychic...ha ha) and that mixed with blueberry and blackberry juice...Then the Irish Cream later, and on and on...I can't remember a better meal. It was a lovely evening. When I got there, we were working out how to run the fryer he purchased, and he said, "You've had a day that took a lot of patience, so I don't want you doing any of the work. I want you to relax." So wonderful. So opposite anything I've heard for....well, ever. It's pretty cool when, you've been through so much that you start to lose faith in humanity (mostly the male part) and then you meet someone who fails to fit into the stereotypes you want to start creating out of hurt and anger....That's a rambling sort of sentence, but the thing is...It's good to know that prohibiting yourself from building defensive walls can eventually be rewarded by meeting someone like him. Not that there's anyone like him but him, but you probably get what I'm saying. I think highly of him, have alot of respect for him. I appreciate that he doesn't demand constant waiting on him, or for me to entertain him. He's very self-sufficient, and that helps me remember how to be me...without always trying to be everything to everyone else. Okay, I think I'm done with my rambling now. :)
I ahve no idea what to wear to Rachel's wedding. Is it casual, semi-formal??? I'm thinking probably not overalls..ha ha I have a silver (or as I like to call it "light black") dress that I can wear. It's knee length, and a little fancy, but not formal or semi-f. Perhaps I'll wear that. I also have the dress I wore last night, which is black, and sort of reminds me of the Grecian style...It comes over one shoulder, and has sort of an empire waist...I don't know what the fashion terms are because I'm fashion challenged, but that one might work, too. What are you wearing? Youre lam-e skort set with matching tube top, or the lace gouchos with the word "Hottie" across the fanny in felt? ha ha I wouldn't dare to dream that you would put us all to shame with the infamous "thigh skirts"...bwahahahahah
Love, Confusia
Oh me...I guess I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I bought. It's kind of nice because I don't have to think about it. Of course, I've been struggling with the shoe thing. I bought a pair of sandals that I thought would be perfect, but now I realize that I can't wear hose with them and my legs are all bruised up from working out at the gym so much, so that's probably not going to work. Now, I'm at a loss. Of course, I realize that nobody will give a damn about me and the state of my legs, so maybe I should just wear them and be damned. And, the wedding is at 7, so it'll get dark shortly thereafter. Hell, maybe I'll get struck down with swine flu or chicken pox (which I've never had, by the way) right before the wedding and not have to deal with it at all. That'd be okey-dokey with me.
Did I tell you we're having a school Enviromental Carnival today? Yep, that's neat. That's one more thing to stack on top of the million others things we have going on around here. Oh and course it can't be during the school day...NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!! It's after school until 7:30. Because let's ne honest. That's exactly how I want to spend my Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend. EXACTLY! I guess the upside is that it did keep me from having to work at the Warehouse tonight. Of course, now I have to work tomorrow instead, but... Which means I can't really drink tonight, because I have to get up early to do all the shit that I would normally do during the whole day. NEAT! I can't wait until June 3rd. Of course, I have to work summer camp throughout June. Let me rephrase. I can't wait until June 27th.
Love, Terps
P.S. As this day wears on, I hate it more and more.

How Much Longer?

Dear Confusia,
So I have a question for you. When's your last day of school? It seems to me that our last day is excessively far away. We're here until June 3rd. Granted, the last week of school is simply going to be "let's watch a movie" week, but still. Why bother?
Also, I have super good news. Turns out there WILL be booze at Rachel's wedding. Now the downside is it will be a cash bar, but after being stuck in Henderson, Texas, for two days, I'd pay any amount for a drink. By the way, I'm staying in Kilgore because it's cheaper. If you plan on staying the night on Saturday, I recommend you try Kilgore and not Henderson.
Ugh....must go work. More later!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I think our last day is June 9th. That's the work day. Unfortunately, plenty of kids act up even on the last day of school, so I will be busy for the rest of the year.
I've considered staying the night, but I don't know that I can. How far is Henderson from Ft. Worth? I invited my friend, and he made it pretty clear that he'd rather be waterboarded than go to a wedding. ha ha I tend to feel the same way, which is why my own wedding consisted of about 20 minutes of preparation time. Some weddings can be fun. You remember that wedding we went to the first year we met, where I enjoyed quite a nice amount of champaigne? Didn't we go to the hideous club at the Green Oaks Inn when it was over? I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but was that the evening of "Agron"? I remember he thought you were hot. That was when the infamous line of yours, "A-gron weary of him." was born, was it not? That might have been a different night. It's funny that while I have some good memories of the few times we went there, they are also bad memories, too. ha ha Like when you were the unwilling one woman USO...ha ha ha ha ha Maybe not bad so much as funny. There was that guy there who always danced with himself. Almost glued to the mirror while he danced. I always wanted to suggest that maybe he and himself should get a room.
Most weddings though, are not fun, including mine. Most of the time, it goes like this...
A. the boring part
B. dinner mints
C. another boring part
I remember once my family had to go to three weddings in three weekends. I think I was about 25. On the third weekend my mom asked me if I was excited to go to the next wedding, and I replied, "If given the choice, I wouldn't go to my OWN wedding at this point." I've never understood why more people don't just elope. Honestly, that way you can have the wedding and honeymoon all at the same time, you save alot of money, and spend less time being stressed out. Of course, you don't get the wedding haul of gifts, either, but seriously now, how many serving platters does one need?
So tonight I'm going to make (or attempt to make) a fabulous tiramisu. I got the kahlua, and a hazelnut liqeuer, and it better turn out alright. I have posted a pic above of said tiramisu. I only wish I had a way to post a photo of the finished product ala confusia so that we could make humorous and unflattering comparisons. Ah well. Have a good rest of the day!
Love, Confusia
PS Apparently, I am not being allowed to add the photo, but be aware that it was incredibly impressive! ha ha

Teacher Found Under Desk Rocking Back and Forth and Sucking Thumb

Dear Confusia,
I am about to lose it. I do not know how or why this happened, but my school scheduled two MAJOR events between now and the last day of school. This Friday we have a school carnival complete with everything you could imagine. However, unlike other schools, where the PTA puts on carnivals, WE put it on. It is student lead, which as we all know, is just another way of saying TEACHER lead. And as if that wasn't enough, Saturday, May 30, we have an 8th grade cotillion complete with red carpets and fancy dresses and all that nonsense. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal, but we're trying to wrap up the school year, give final exams, finish major projects, etc, and then you want me collecting money for these events, along with cookies and frosting, and decorations for the booth that I am in charge of yet would never actually eat anything from. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????
I think I'm about to be over the deep end.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
With DaThug getting married and all, now, I think it's about that time...I'm talking about auditions for DaThug 2009. I will begin putting up signage in urban gang infested areas immediately. Should be easy since I work in one. Hell, I could probably just put a few posters in my classroom, and never have to leave the comfort of the AC. I am really, really glad that I don't have to deal with a carnival OR a cotillion, though as heinous as it sounds, I might suggest to principal that we have one next year. It might expose these kids to something other than Gangsta Rap and dance floor procreation. Just sayin'. We usually have a dance, but it would be kinda cool to have one where the kids have to dress up. The girls would go psycho about it!
You'll never guess what I saw on my way to work this morning. Seriously.
A kid on a bike, crossing an extremely busy road, while talking on a cell phone. I guess it will make it that much easier for the person on the other end to dial the ambulance when he/she hears the sound of crunching bones. WTF??? I need a bumper sticker that says, "Shut up, and bicycle!"
Love, Confusia

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone!

Dear Terps,
What a fantastic day, huh?! I have no kids with me this morning! That's because I've put in my two weeks of purgatory, and now they're all at AEP. Sweet Jesus, what a happy day!
So I have a dinner date Thursday, and I'm going to make the dessert. I'm going to attempt Tiramisu, because it is the food of the gods, and I'm really hoping it isn't a disaster. Of course, I don't know how you can really go wrong with liqueur, chocolate (and because I'm not a vegan...)copious amounts of whipped cream. As far as I'm concerned, just stick all that stuff in a bowl, and dig in. Who even cares about presentation at that point??? ha ha However, I'm going to try to make it really pretty, too. We'll see how it goes.
How is your Monday so far? I should probably apologize for my extremely aggressive diatribe last week, but seriously, I was showing alot of restraint under the circumstances.
Oh, I have a question for you. I don't know if you'll have a solution, but here goes.
Lately, when I wash clothes, they end up smelling strange, and not in a good way. They smell sort of like wet clothes that have been in a plastic bag for a few too many hours. I do not know why. It's got to stop, though. Do you think if I ran an empty load with just a bunch of bleach it would clear up this problem? It's so stupid, but not being what I would call the Domestic Goddess type, I have no idea how to solve this. I know you aren't exactly the Domestic Goddess type, either, but I figured two heads are better than one, right? Maybe your mom would know. That reminds me of that post you did about "your mom". ha ha I swear, I would rather solve global warming than try to figure out the mechanics of washing machine smells.
Sorry this is kind of rambling. I honestly think I'm just so giddy today that it's hard to focus!
Love, Confusia
Update: How did I get so lucky? First lunch happened, and I got sixteen kids like magic! I haven't enough desks in my room. Food fighting in the cafeteria is fun. If it were me, I would make them clean it up...with their tongues, but I guess there are laws about that kind of thing. Shame. Let's face it...my way, and they'd never throw a piece of food in the cafeteria again. This way, they will tomorrow. Which is more instructive?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
At this point, don't you think they should just suspend all of them to home? I mean I know that wouldn't be a punishment for most of them, but it wouldn't be a punishment for you either, right? Seriously! A food fight? Come the f on. You gotta be kidding me. Did they have to clean it up at all? Because maybe if they had to spend the rest of the day scrubbing spaghetti off the floors and walls that would make them think about it. I know haning out with you is pretty terrible, but not as much as cleaning a post-food fight cafeteria. Right?
As for your washing machine situation. I haven't a clue in the world what might cause that or how to fix it, but I think the bleach idea can't hurt. It's worth a try. It might not help, but it definitely won't hurt so...
I'm proud to say that I officially survived Rachel's shower, thanks to Kelli and her Aunt Eunie and a shitload of vodka. I must, however, tell you about this one thing that happened. Ok, so it's Rachel's bridal shower, right? Well, one of the guests sales jewelry from one of those "Jewelry Party" type of organizations much like Tupper Ware or Mary Kay. You know one of those things were they have a party and show you all this shit and try to get you to order it? Well, Rachel is opening her gifts, right, and she gets to the gift that this woman gives her. It turns out that it's a $50 gift certificate to buy some jewelry from her. The woman then procedes to take out all of her catalogs, throw them on the coffee table in the middle of the party and say, "And if anyone else wants to buy anything, feel free. Look at the books and let me know what you want." Can you believe that? Is that as tacky as it seemed to me???? Anyway, it's over and done with and I'll never have to do that again, so I guess all's well that ends well.
Ok, should go check on the kids. Though I think "Independent Research" should be treated as such...
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Yeah, I'm thinking that was kind of rude to turn the shower into a sales party. I hope no one bought anything from her. I definitely think Miss Manners would frown on that, and would probably have said something like, "How thoughtful of you to consider everyone's shopping needs. I'm sure that after the shower, the other guests might enjoy looking at your catalogs." Then she would have picked up the catalogs and very gently handed them back to her. I' m not Miss Manners, though, so I probably would have just rolled my eyes behind her back and then written about her to you. ha ha Great minds think alike.
I wouldn't be sad if they suspended these kids. I think they should have had to clean up their mess. However, then you get parents who complain, "My kid didn't do nothin', and ya'll are up here tryin' to make him ya'lls slave or somethin'" Neato. God forbid anyone should try to hold a kid responsible for their actions. They wonder why the prison population is exploding. I could explain it to them.
Love, Confusia

If I Can Only Hold On Until 4...Will Confusia Be on the News?

Dearest Confusia,

I am sitting in my classroom right now imagining things like wild dogs running in and ripping me into pieces and a tornado coming through and taking me to sweet oblivion. I finally decided yesterday that if I didn't take Friday off I might do something crazy. Here's the situation I find myself in...
Of course, I have to work at the Warehouse on Friday night. That's the norm. However, they put me on the schedule to work Saturday during the day. That normally wouldn't be a problem, but Sunday is the day of Rachel's shower. My plan was to use Saturday to get all the preparation for her shower finished, but now I have NO time on Saturday because I'll be working from 10 to 8. Good times! So I just decided that I would take off Friday from school and try to get it all done then. It calmed me down considerably. Before that, I seriously thought that I would hurt myself or someone else if I had to be here on Friday. The stress of all of this shit, end of the school year, showers, weddings, etc. is just getting to me.
So how are you doing?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I may end up on the news by the end of the day. That's how I'm doing. My Principal decided that he wanted to move my classroom before the end of the year so that it wouldn't be waiting when we got back. The teacher in the class who I was told to switch with is a long-term sub. I didn't know the move was happening this week until some men showed up yesterday to take out cabinets. Guess who had to get all her stuff packed up right then? Oh yea! Today was the big moving day. The ten alternative kids I've got are my little movers. So the principal was working in my old room. the VP and I were working in the room I'm moving to...In between, all the kids with behavioral problems are running amok with beakers, chairs, desks, books, paper, etc. The other teachers are glaring at me. All of my stuff is in buckets, plastic bags, and boxes being shuttled by juvenile fucking delinquents while some of the kids are finishing their TAKS tests. To say that I'm a little worn out and homicidal right now is an understatement...If one of these kids asks me the same damn question I've already answered 6 times ONE MORE TIME!!! I am going to go ape shit, for real!!! I have these kids one more day, and if I can get through tomorrow without getting fired, it will be a testament to my patience and self-control. I also want to put a sign on the door to my room that says the following: IF YOU KNOCK ON MY DOOR ONE MORE TIME, I WILL BREAK YOUR GODDAMN FINGERS OFF AND RUN THEM THROUGH THE SHREDDER WHILE YOU CRY AND BLEED. Do you think that would be clear enough? Seriously, today is shitty. I'm looking around at all my stuff stuck on cabinets, everything out of order, and I'm like, "Why now? Why today? "
Love, Confusia
THat's IT! I just marched a kid down to the office. I walked into the principal's office, and said, "Please don't let this kid come back tomorrow. I cannot vouch for my actions. I'm about to lose it. I will PAY you to send that kid home!!! For the love of GOD, do NOT let him come back tomorrow!!"
I think they understood because they're about to call home. I will call in sick or go home sick, I swear ! I cannot deal with that little bastard one more day! Seriously.
Love, Confusia who is about to drop kick that little shit.

Wow!

Just saw your photo on LOTD. Nice Glamour Shot. Why have I never seen that before? Only 2 more Mondays...but four more weeks.
Dear Terps,
The "Glamour Shot" is something I try to keep under wraps as much as possible. I sent it to Cary awhile back for the book he was putting together as I am clutching my collar in the picture while wearing silver serving platters for earrings. I told him he could use it in the Mother's Day post because I don't have a scanner, and it would have taken too long to mail another pic. Also, I figured everyone could use a good laugh. I had those taken several years ago. I think I was 24. If you think that one's something, you should see the one with the shiny pink cloth wrapped around me to look like a strapless formal. SPECIAL! So yep, twelve years ago I guess I looked like that. Not so much anymore. I should have a new "glamour photo" done to see how different it would be. Or not. If you desire to view the other fabulous glamour shots from the same session, I would be happy to show them to you at some point. However, since you're not bulimic, I don't see how they would have any value for you...lol
Hope you are well. I'm back at work on a lovely, rainy Monday. Yippee.
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Glamour shots. That's just so funny. I had some done too, when I was probably 20. My mom had some kind of coupon. I don't remember much about it except that I really DID NOT want to do it, and that the pictures creeped me out when they came in. I wonder if my mom still has them. Perhaps, we could get together, make a suicide pact, and then die of humiliation as we looked at each other's photos? Something to think about.
I can't believe we have 16 days of school left. I know that seems like nothing when you consider that we've already had 170 days this semester, but each day gets harder than the one before, yes?
Yes, so Rachel's wedding. I doubt there will be karaoke as there won't be booze. Or at least that was the last thing I heard. Granted, I'm going to find a way to make sure I have booze in my system, but... As for her moving out, she moved out back in March. And though I find your offer generous, I have another roommate (and have for almost 2 years), so I'm good. Rachel's shower is this Sunday. I'm most looking forward to it being over. That whole affair has seriously stressed me out. I sent out 30+ invitations and only got RSVPs from 13. It's kind of hard to know how to plan when over half of the guests don't tell you one way or the other if they are attending. Also, it doesn't help that they put me on the schedule at the WH for Saturday during the day. So, there goes my whole flippin' weekend. Good times!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
What? No booze??? Guess I'll make other plans then...ha ha
What will go on during the reception? Dinner...dancing? Eating of mints? I plan to be there, so I guess I'll find out then.
As for the sharing of Glamour Shot photos...I'll tell you right now, there WILL be booze involved in that! :)
Love, Confusia

Ugh! What Was I Thinking?????

Dear Confusia,

So...I might have told you that we were going to take the 8th grade girls on a field trip to Dallas today and tomorrow to visit our sister school up there. Well, with swine flu and all, we had to cancel it. Well, Austin lifted the ban on Tuesday night so we all scrambled like mad people to get the buses, hotel rooms, restaurants, museums, etc. rescheduled. Turns out that we have 13 girls who can't go on the trip for various reasons (failing grades, suspensions, didn't want to, etc.) Well, they determined yesterday that one of the teachers would have to stay behind to monitor those girls. So, guess who volunteered. At the time it seemed great. The thought of being on a bus for so long, the thought of being in charge of all those girls, having to leave the dogs, etc. But now, as I sit here watching them do busy work, I find myself bored out of my mind. What do you mean I still have two hours of this left to do today and a whole 8 hours again tomorrow??????? ARGH!!!!!!

How's it going there? I see you guys are reopening sooner than was anticipated. At least you got a little break. LUCKY!

Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
That sounds like my life every day. Fun, n'est pas?
We were out from last Thursday, and we were just called back in yesterday. We missed five school days total. Thank you, Swine Flu. Unfortunately, I found out today that all the kids I had for the week before TAKS who were supposed to be safely at alternative school are coming back here for another week of effing good times with me. So I will have ten or eleven kids in here every day next week. Brrringggg. Yes? Hello? Swine Flu? Do you wanna come over and hang out this weekend? My place at eight? Sounds great! See you then! Yeah, I'm joking about that. I do think that a week with these kids is preferable to catching swine flu, but only just barely.
For what it's worth, I think you chose wisely. Field trips are an agonizing slow death, basically. At least this way, you can surf the net if you get bored, probably.
So what's the story on PsycHo Ray's wedding? I plan on being there, and I thought about asking my Friend if he'd like to attend with me. Will there be karaoke at the reception? That's the important question. Will the Beastlie Girls be the wedding singers? Is she really excited or nervous? I guess she'll be moving in with her new husband. Are you going to feel partially naked without your longtime roomie? If so, let me know. I can send Confusia, Jr. down there as a replacement. That would be lots of fun! (For me, mainly.) Still, let me know.
Love, Confusia

Compulsive Eating and Confusia...When to Say Yes.

Dear Terps,
Do you think it's a bad thing that I've already eaten two Hershey bars today? Let me run it down for you...
1. Student put on house arrest for threatening to shoot a kid at school...Check.
2. Student sent to alternative school for theft...Check.
3. Students sent for being a total pain in the kisser...Check, and Check.
4. Students sent for gang tagging the bathroom...Check, and Check.
5. Student arrested for having weed on him in my classroom...Check.
6. Another student for theft...Check.
7. Another student for theft...Check.
8. Student who tagged another student...Check.

This all equals good times for me. I'm afraid if I turn my back, my cell will be stolen while another student tags my ass. On top of that, another (this is the third) desk in my room was broken this morning. I just got into an argument with a kid because I told him to throw away the wadded up yarn in his pocket, which, let's face it, he probably stole. Oh, God forbid he can't keep his tangled YARN!!! He had to give me massive attitude for that. The full eye roll, and the slam dunk into the trash can. I went out to change the marquee about an hour ago, and IT was tagged with gang shit. This day is effin' great. I have to go eat my third Hershey's now.
Love, Confusia
aka Queen Westside Shadow Killa...wurd.

Let's Play a Game!

Dear Confusia,
Inspired by your previous post, let's play:
If I Could Have a Drink Right Now, What Would It Be?
I'll start:
Being as how it's only 9:45 in the morning, I think I would spike my coffee with a shot or two of Kahlua.
You?
(5 Hours Later)
I guess I'm playing this game by myself. Well, since last I posted, I would add the following to my list:
At noon, with lunch, I would have had two (or more) flavored vodkas (maybe strawberry) with soda water.
During passing period, I would have downed a shot, perhaps chilled Three Olives Chocolate Vodka. (Though this is a pleasant drink, and I would have liked to take the time to savor it, passing period is only 5 minutes long, so...)
Dear Terps,
I didn't see this until today. I would've played otherwise. Today, I'd drink Jagermeister straight out of the damn bottle. I was in the bathroom taking deep, calming breaths before ten. I've got ten or eleven kids with me, all of whom are supposed to be at alternative school, all of whom (well 90%) are acting like little demons. Today SUCKS!!! Seriously, last week was a walk in the park compared to today. It's sad when I'm looking forward to sitting outside a bathroom for eight hours during TAKS. I am looking forward...to sitting outside a bathroom.....for EIGHT hours... Let that sink in a minute.
Love, Confusia

I Am Officially Needing a Drink.

Dear Terps,
PLEASE GET ME THE HE** OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Love, Confusia
Dearest Confusia,
It is only because I currently have my smallest (and therefore best) class right now that I haven't completely lost it.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Two of the kids were sent to the office, so it's a smidgen better in here. This week has been HARD! To top it off, I have that damn test on Saturday to look forward to...Hm, work all day, quadratic equations all night...What's not to love??? I know now why I don't work at an alternative school. Oh wait! I DO!

Wedding Bells and Other Noises from Hell

Dear Confusia,
I was just curious about whether you received both your invitation to Rachel's wedding and shower.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I got the e-vite, but my stupid POS computer won't let me open it. Actually, that's not the computer's fault, it's that the site is FORBIDDEN!. If you could send me info in a regular e-mail or if you want to just give me a call, that would be great. I almost called you after work yesterday, but I thought you might find the cross between giddy and maniacal laughter a little frightening. But I'm better now... : } ha ha

Ugh!

This day is stressing me out. Cheer me up!!!
Dear Terps,
You are not alone in stressville. I am currently surrounded by a bunch of juvenile delinquents, and am trying to teach them math. Guess what two of my least favorite things in the world are...
1. Juvenile Delinquents
2. Math

That's why I work in education, and specialize in juvenile delinquents. I'm a masochist. CLEARLY!!!

I want to binge eat. I want to binge drink. I want to chain smoke. Preferably all at the same time. I want Adrien Brody delivered to my house dipped in chocolate, whipped cream, and whiskey. Not the cheap shit, either! Belgian chocolate, real whipped cream, Jack Daniels. Oh, and probably handcuffs so he can't get away...ha ha That's not too much for a girl to ask, right?

What do you want? And make it JUICY! ha ha We're going to fantasize our way out of this mess! ha ha
Love, Confusia

Fun With Food Analogies!!!

Dear Terps,
I don't know about you, but this week blows so far. I'm studying like crazy for the THEA test Saturday. I have my own homeroom this week because of all the kids who have been sent to alternative school, but have to stay with me until TAKS next week. Which means, of course, that I'm the last "teacher" they'll have before they take TAKS. I'm trying to do TAKS countdowns in Math with them, but since they've been spending most of the year getting in trouble, they're easily lost. So am I, for that matter, not because I don't know how to do it myself, but because trying to explain how to do it to them is difficult for me. I am becoming Queen of the Analogies....For example:

1. So, the formula is C=2 (pi) r. Let's look at it like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. So, the equation is D=c/(pi). Remember those workbenches you played with when you were a kid? We're going to plug numbers into this equation just like you hammered the pegs into the workbench...
3. So, here we have a coordinate plane. Imagine that this is a pizza...

Here's another analogy...
Here we have a bunch of kids about to take TAKS. Let's look at them like they are toast...
ha ha ha
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Sounds like you have a lot of fun times ahead. Since I teach 8th graders, we have already taken the math test. In fact, we got the results back yesterday and all of the 8th graders passed. We only had one girl not pass the reading. It's pretty incredible. Granted, we have science and social studies next week, and I hear the 8th grade science test is a bitch, but...
I took yesterday off because we all went out Sunday night to celebrate Rachel and Kelli's birthdays. It's been so hard getting back into the swing of things today. Ugh!
BTW, how's Con Jr. doing with the musical?
Love, Terps

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Confusia,
I do not know what it is about this week, but it seems like it has gone by at a painstakingly slow pace. It hasn't beena bad week. Nothing horrible has happened to me. School has been fine and all of that, but it just seems like the days are CREEPING by. In fact, I can't believe that it's only Thursday. It should so be Friday, of next week.
Anyway, last night was the final night of my bowling league season. I have to tell you how awesome this is. We went into the last night of competition in second place, being 7 points behind the first place team. As luck would have it, we were bowling the first place team. In order to move into first place, we were going to have to win all 8 points (that's the max number of points per match). Well, we already hated the other team because the last time we bowled against them, they would say shit like, "Nice," when we'd miss spares and crap like that. Real sportsmanlike. Anyway, we ended up winning every game and got high series points. Therefore, we got the full 8 points and beat those a-holes. We ended the season in first place. It was so sweet!!!!!
Ok, that's all I got for you. Hope you have a good Thursday!
Love, Terps

Easter Good Times...

Dear Terps,
Saturday night, the kids and I were dying Easter Eggs. I give the baby a hard-boiled egg and a little q-tip with dye in her high chair so she can participate too. She starts coloring on her egg with the Q-tip, and I think, all is well. The next time I look over at her, she has gnawed her way through a third of that egg! Shells and all! ha ha Oh my God! I have never seen a child eat an egg with the shell on... She spit all the shell out, of course, but still, you'd think I never feed the child! I guess she got confused because she was in her high chair. "I'm in this weird chair, and that usually means it's time to eat, but Mom's cooking is really not up to par today, I've gotta say!" More later.

If Only it Were Adam Duritz!

Dear Terps,
I just read that Paul Rudd is auctioning off a lunch date with himself for a charity which has something to do with female filmmakers. If I remember correctly, you like him, so I thought you might want to get on e-bay and see what the current bid is. If you're interested...I'd try to win it for you, but as we all know, I could be outbid by a homeless cat. :( Unless you want to loan me the money....ha ha ha
-Confusia
Dear Confusia,
If only... I do find Paul incredibly HOT! He is definitely on my Top 5 List. So, did you have Friday off or did you have to work to make up for a bad weather day early this year? We had the day off, but yet is STILL doesn't seem like enough time off. Ugh! I was actually counting up the days we have left in the school year. That's probably a bad sign. This is the last week of the 5th six-weeks, so that's reassuring. Oh, and two of my classes are having "reward" days today, so I hsould get some quality reading time in.
So, how was your Easter?
Love, Terps

FYI

Dear Confusia,
The Beastie Boys are playing at Austin City Limits this year. Thought you might want to know.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
When is that? How are you doing today?
Love, Confusia
Confusia,
The festival is October 2-4, I think. And I'm doing fine. I'm always fine. I hope you aren't asking me that based on yesterday's post. I'm not suicidal or anything.
Terps
Dear Terps,
Oh please, telling me you're not suicidal??? I know where you work! ha ha But I wasn't asking based on yesterday's post. I was asking in the hopes that you had something extremely exciting to tell me so that I wouldn't struggle with the soul-numbing boredom of a work day. :)
I'm doing alright, but that's primarily because I know the weeks left of school are now in the single digits. I take the THEA test in about two weeks, and will need to study like nobody's business all fourteen days. Why is it that once you learn something, it doesn't stay in your head? Do you know how much it pisses me off that I have to relearn algebra AGAIN!?! SEriously??? Like learning it the first fourteen times wasn't enough???
I was reading my paper copy of our book the other night, and I was laughing so hard. It made me catch the fever again. Don't be surprised if it pops up in your e-mail sometime soon!
I just love all of our characters. They are an absolute delight.
Love, Confusia

Testing...

Dear Confusia,
Yep, that's right. We're testing today. I forgot what it's like to teach a grade level in which they can't pass to the next grade if they don't pass the standardized tests. Testing starts early and happens frequently. Oh and of course I shouldn't be on my computer. I should be walking around, distracting the girls while they test. Ugh! At least when I taught special ed I could read the test aloud to them. It gave me something to do. But this...oh God!
So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I was getting these weird spasms in my gut that felt like gall stones. I knew it couldn't be that, because I don't have a gall bladder, but it sucked and scared the pee out of me. Turns out it was nothing. A little acid reflux from going to bed with food in my stomach. No biggie. But here's the deal. I gave up processed food for the New Year, and I've lost some weight. Well, I'd set a number in my head that I thought would be a good weight for me. At the doctor's office yesterday I learned that I reached that number. The problem...I STILL hate my body. I was talking to two other teachers about it this morning and they told me that I absolutely shouldn't lose another pound, but when I look at myself I see this fat, frumpy cow. I mean what gives? How do I handle that? Out of all the reasons anyone has ever had for me to see a therapist, this is the only one that I'm thinking might be worthy. What do you think?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
My first thought about this is wondering why it's so important to you not to look like a "fat, frumpy cow." I just wonder about that. Is it a fear of what people will think of you? Is it a fear that you won't be as good as somebody else if you're fat? Is it a fear of being unhealthy? Of being out of control? Of not being attractive? These are the questions I would have. As you know, this isn't a problem that I have. I have the exact opposite problem, but in thinking about why someone would hate her body, these are reasons I would consider. It might be something completely different, so keep in mind I'm winging it here...It's strange in a way, but I think probably because I've given birth, I have this sense of how amazing the female body is, and the unbelievable power that it has. I became quite a bit more relaxed about my body after I had a baby, and I think that's a common feeling. Since you haven't had a baby, I know that's not really a cure for you, but your athleticism might be able to give you the same feeling. If you take pride not merely in what your body looks like, but rather in what it can DO, that might help. Does that make sense? It might be a way to start overcoming your body hatred. I mean, GEEZ! Your body just did a 10K! How fat and frumpy could you possibly be? How many cows do you know that run 10K's?? I know from our days doing the exercises with the students in R-3 that you're plenty flexible, you don't have asthma, diabetes, or any of the other myriad problems that plague heavier people. Your body is healthy. You should be proud of that. All I'm saying is that it's a beginning. If the hatred continues then I think you should see a therapist about it because I can't think of many things sadder than for someone to hate her own body. It's so much a part of who we are, and we depend on it every second of every day, that to hate it would be a hardship every minute of the year. We should be friends with our bodies as best we can. It would be different if you hated your body because it failed you in some way (ie. epilepsy, diabetes, cancer, etc.) Then the frustration would be more because of betrayal, I suspect. Do you feel that your body has betrayed you in some way? I'm curious about how you feel about that.
On another note, I went out with my friend this weekend, and I finally had the guts to ask if this was a monogamous thing. I was hoping it was because I don't like the idea of "playing the field". I was worried about bringing it up because I didn't want him to feel I was trying to somehow put a leash on him or whatever. So I asked him about it, and he replied that yes, it was. or why? If you've found someone you like better, etc. I found that so indicative of the difference in the thought processes of men and women. I thought he was going to think one way, but he thought I was asking because I wanted to see someone else. I swear we need an intergender translating machine to carry around with us. I was stunned that he thought I wanted to see someone else. I was like, "My God, after you everyone else would be boring!" That's true. I can't imagine anyone else being as fascinating because I never know what he'll say or do. Just when I think I've got a grasp on his personality, he'll show yet another side of himself. It's utterly captivating! :) He is amazing.
So do you have any good Easter plans? Mine will involve cleaning up the incredibly huge mess that the kids make decorating their Easter eggs. That's always fun. It is just wrong that all of those Easter egg coloring kits have the pictures of beautifully colored eggs sitting in a nice, clean Easter basket in a nice, clean environment. Those eggs are done by professional artists, NOT by six year olds, or THIRTY-six year olds for that matter. That's right, I can't even make an egg look like the ones on the package. What I can do is mop up the mess when the inevitable dye spill happens. I can try my best to scrub the blue and green stains off of the kids' (and my own) hands, but fail. I can attempt to get all the glitter pieces off of the table and floor. I can wipe up the tears when the favorite egg that the child worked on for thirty minutes rolls off the table and cracks on the floor. I want to know who invented dying Easter eggs because I really want to have a chat with him/her. I think you should drive up this Saturday and join in the fun! I mean, you assisted me with five pages of stickers for the Barbie Townhouse from Hell. (" Uh, I've got a cat face sticker here. Any ideas???) Why not this, too?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I've weighed 100 pounds more than I do right now. Suffice it to say that I don't expect my body to be well-behaved. It's proven itself to get out of hand before. And I KNOW that it wasn't my body that did that, it was my mind. But, as you know, the mind is a wonderfully complex machine that can convince us of anything. It was my mind that told my body it WOULD run every step of that 10K. It is my mind that tells me when to pick up that fork and better yet when to lay it down. Back in the day, it was my mind that let me make all those decisions that caused me to be 100 pounds heavier than I am now. It is also my mind that blames my body for that. It is my mind that says, "You look fat. You aren't thin enough. You aren't healthy. If you don't watch what you eat you'll end up with diabetes, cancer, etc." I think it is some defense mechanism that my mind has established to save itself from itself. So long as it can always find a flaw, it'll keep moving in the right direction.
I viewed myself for 24 years as morbidly obese. I saw that image everyday for 24 years. My mind can't shake that image. I don't even necessarily want to lose that image. I need it to keep me from going back. However, I need some clue about the reality of my actual body, not the one emblazened in my psyche. I think that's the hurdle I need help getting over.
As for my Easter plans, they include sitting on my couch and watching TV. Easter is a very sacred holiday for me indeed...
Terps

Lucky Me

Dear Terps,
I am wishing it were somehow Spring Break again. Only week before last, and I'm already back to full house in In-House. I have some interesting offenders today...Here's the rundown...

Tom: Used the phrase "stupid ass" to describe a fellow student.
Dick: The kid dubbed "stupid ass". Retaliated with another name I was not informed about.
Larry: Informed another student that he sucks on his mother's "deformed t***". (Reminds me of the good old days back in R3...)
Then Stephanie and Jane got into a yelling match which caused a massive disruption outside.
The others were being disruptive. Every five minutes another one walks in. I'm about to hang a "CLOSED" sign on my door. Do you think it will work?
Have to run for now. I'm about to get on my soapbox and deliver a terrific tongue lashing to the whole lot of them. I've grown weary of them.
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I too am a lucky, lucky person. Do you know how easy and fun it is to try to teach 6th graders the finer points of MacBeth? If you don't, I highly suggest you giving it a try. Maybe you could put on a little In-School Shakespearean festival at your school. Oh fuck, they need me again. UGH!

Random News

Dear Terps,
Are you as sore from running your Ten K today as I am from my yardwork? Pulling up weeds is a bitch, and one of the best arm/back/ waist workouts I can imagine.
I have some really great news, and I'm so excited about it I can't wait to tell you. Last Friday, I found out that Confusia Jr.'s choir teacher made her audition for "Annie". The school is doing a production of it. She got the lead role! She's gonna be singing, "The Sun'll come up...tomorrow..." Dancing, "It's a hard knock life...for us!" Acting, "I love you, Daddy Warbucks." I can't wait to see it! I hope she enjoys it because it would be great if she could get involved with an extracurricular activity at school. Nobody even knew she had auditioned, so when she came home Friday after finding out she was going to be Annie, everyone was so thrilled. She's had such a tough year, and this is a BIG positive for her. Very exciting! I wish I could say that she gets her voice from me, but we all know that would be a huge lie! ha ha
How was your weekend other than running the 10 K? Did you follow through with your binge drinking idea last night?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Congrats to Junior. I wish I had time to write more, but today is CRAZY. Sadly, the binge drinking was not thorough enough.
Terps

Well, Here We Go Again

Dear Confusia,
How are you? How was your Spring Break? I feel like I haven't heard from you in forever (or at leats nine days). I have to tell you that being in New Orleans was bitter sweet. I loved being there and it was so much fun, but the nostalgia of it REALLY got to me. I went to check out my old house and actually teared up a bit. It was far more intense than I would have ever expected. Sadly, I also learned that I just can't seem to drink like I used to be able to. That must be a skill that declines with time. So, tell me all about your vacation.
Love, Terps

Hear the Angels Sing on High

Dear Confusia,
It's finally here! The last day before Spring Break. This week has been utter insanity, but in 7 hours, it'll be over. In fact, a week from now, I'll be trying to down several more drinks in New Orleans before my plane takes off in order to deliver me back to the "real world". But in the meantime...bliss. What plans do you have for the break?
Love,
Terps
Ah yeah!!!!
Could I be more excited? I don't think so. Of course, there are some more hours before I get off work, but this is the most excited I've been about Spring Break since...well, last year right before Spring Break!
I'd like to try to make it down to Austin one night of Spring Break. I'll have to locate babysitting services, and get back to you. I'm just thinking since I have a week off and all. Are you going to be in N'awlins all week? If so, you suck and I'm extremely jealous. Though I still hope you have a fantastic time, of course. :)
I sprained my shoulder or something last Sunday, so I'm pretty sure I will need to drink this week (for medicinal purposes, of course.) I've had my arm in a freaking sling all week, and I hate it. It had to be my right arm too, so I'm completely helpless. I don't know how in the hell you sprain a shoulder, except it's a sign that you're getting old. Perhaps I can fall and break my hip at the end of Spring Break. I need one of those damn emergency buttons that straps around your neck, I guess.
Doesn't matter, though, because I am still in a GREAT mood! :)))))) That's me smiling a whole lot!
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I won't be in New Orleans the whole time, but close. I leave out at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesday morning and get back just in time to work at the Warehouse on Friday night. The only possible doable nights for me would be either this Saturday or next Saturday. I don't know if those might work for you, but if they do, let me know!
Love, Terps
I'll see if I can arrange something for next Saturday. In the meantime, give New Orleans love from the Queen Sex Rock! ha ha
PS Watch out for the damn paparazzi!

How Dumb is Confusia?

Dear Terps,

What a day I'm having! The good times are rolling here, let me tell you!

So this morning, I'm doing my morning duty in the gym with a bunch of Spring-Fevered, hormone infested 6th graders, right? Off to my left, I see this girl walk up to a boy and offer him a piece of gum out of a pack. I'm like, "WTF???" I go to her, and I say, "OH, No...There's no gum allowed anywhere on campus. You know this. You've known this since August! What's the problem? She looks really guilty. I take the pack of gum from her and say, "Follow me." I was heading out the gym door to take her to the VP's office, and I say to my morning duty co-worker, "A whole pack of gum, and she's offering it to that kid right in front of me!" My co-worker shakes her head. I look down at the pack of gum, and notice something weird about it. The silver wrapper part sticking out doesn't look bendable...So I think again, "Wtf???" I reach down to pull the stick of gum out, and WHAM! Electric shock. How stupid do I feel at this point?

Well, pretty much like the biggest moron ever! apart from feeling stupid, now I'm also a little more pissed off because my thumb is still tingling. I look at the girl and say, "Let's go." On the way to the office, I ask her if she's been to In-House before, and she says no. So I reply, "So this is just like a bit of a bad judgment day, huh?" She nods.

We get to the VP's office, I show her the pack of gum and tell her what happened, also telling her that the girl hasn't been in trouble before. She looks at the girl and says very sternly, "I'll let you go this time without a consequence since you haven't been in any trouble this year, but next time, there will be. I can't have kids bringing things like this to school and my teachers getting shocked." The girl nodded timidly and left the office. The VP's stern look lasts until just after the girl walks out. She then smiles, and says, "I'm gonna go offer the Principal a piece.", while laughing mischievously. I go with her because I feel entitled now, having been shocked myself.

Of course, he doesn't fall for it, which was a bit disappointing. I would have felt better if someone else had been as dumb as I was, but apparently, I'm the dumbest on the campus.

All in all, though, I have to give props to the girl. She was aiming small, just trying for a joke on a fellow student...instead she snagged the In-School teacher. Kudos.

I am now going to attempt to teach myself how to sit still and not drool at the same time.

Love, Confusia

She Took My Pencil

Dearest Confusia,
I am not even joking. Your latest post could not have come at a more needed time. Some kid took a pencil from my room. I'm glad I know how to handle it now. I can't wait to see her again. Thank you and thank that kid for me too, will ya?
I can't believe how much this week is dragging by. Having TAKS on Tuesday has made the rest of this week seem like a lesson in futility. And to be totally honest with you, it's not because of the kids, it's because of the teachers. It's as if all of us think we should get a holiday immediately following standardized testing. Granted we have Spring Break after 6 more school days, not counting today, but who's counting anyway...but I need a vacation RIGHT NOW!
So, in response to you asking me in an earlier post what I wanted to tear into that kid about, well, here goes. She is in my advisory and therefore she tests in my classroom. Well, I never use the overhead lights in my room because they give me a headache. However, everytime we test I ask the girls if they want me to turn them on or if we're good with the lamps and the windows. They always say leave them off, her included. Well, she told this other teacher that I wouldn't turn on the lights in my room and she thought that would make her do poorly on the test. So the teacher comes to me asking about the lighting in my room. Then, the next day, the teacher comes to me telling me that the girl said it's too crowded in my room for her to concentrate. There are 12 girls who test in here, btw, and I have space for 25 kids, so... I finally told the other teacher that the REAL issue was that this girl is afraid she's going to fail the test and instead of being accountable for it she wants an excuse, and I'm her excuse. The other teacher agreed, and we decided I would put her straight about it. So, it was disappointing for me to get all riled up about having this conversation with her and then not getting to follow through. It's one thing when you have to impromptu yell at someone, but when you plan it and then don't get to do it, you feel vacant and cheated. Ugh...gotta teach.
Terps
Dear Terps,
I can't type today, so please overlook any typos. For some reason, my fingers won't go where I want them to go today.
What is it with kids? they're getting on my nerves. It's definitely time for Spring Break. One more week...I just don't know if I can make it!! the kids here are acting like their parents are feeding them crack rock for breakfast. I'm glad the long, dry spell that is Jan, Feb, and 1/2 March in public education is almost over, but these kids are seriously losing it! I'm so ready for just the weekend. Why do the days seem to be getting longer and longer...the clocks slower and slower??? HEELLLPPP MMEEEEEE!

How to "Accidentally" Punch Someone In the Face...

Dear Terps,
I just had a kid come to me who, besides being a total pain in the ass on his good days, just "accidentally" punched someone in the face. Now, always having an eye for new techniques, I'm having him write a how-to essay. I feel that this will be a beneficial skill to add to my repertoire. I will share the information with you when he turns it in, so that you can also benefit from his super (albeit accidental) ninja skills.
In the meantime, I will tell you how my week is going. Not that it isn't intensely boring, but rather because it IS so intensely boring, and I don't have anything else to do currently...Last Friday I went out with Friend. He took me to dinner, and then back to his apt. for a movie, Whtie Russians, etc. It was alot of fun, and I laughed alot. Saturday I really didn't do anything. Sunday I went to church, and cleaned house. Monday, nothing. Tuesday I had dinner with the kids and my dad and step-mother. See? I bet you can't handle all the excitement already! Tonight, probably nothing much again. Oh no, wait...I'm going to turn in some movies to Blockbuster. A little heads up- I wouldn't recommend watching the movie Max Payne. It's best feature is that it's truthfully named. Tomorrow I am going to see a counselor, which I believe will be greatly beneficial for me. I'm glad about it because there's alot I need to talk about with someone who knows what the hell they're doing, and hopefully it will be a big help. I mean, talking to myself just doesn't have quite the same healing capacity I'm pretty sure...
Alrighty, here we go...not quite what I asked for, but what else is new...
"How to Accidentally Punch Someone in the Face"
by Anonymous Super Accidental Ninja Kid
I puct him in thz fazc for a pin and i got thz pinagen and hz told thz t.c. and i got to (Principal)
offiss and hz got mad at mz and hz yalld at me and got intrbul by (Principal) thrzd porzdy.

For those who don't speak Effing Gibberish, this translates loosely to the following:
I punched him in the face for a pen, and I got the pen again, and he told the teacher and I got to the Principal's office and he got mad at me and he yelled at me and I got in trouble by the Principal. I am now being sent to alternative school.

It never ceases to amaze me how many kids there are who think the word "and" is the same damn thing as a period. Fear for the future of humanity...
Love, Confusia

Wrong Week to Try to Get Back into Gear

Dear Confusia,

Ugh! I was out two and a half days last week with the flu. It was miserable. Now, I'm trying to get back into the mindset that you work five days and not two and a half, but of course this is a TAKS week so the whole schedule is upside down and stupid. Not to mention, that I was so angry with a student this morning (based on something another teacher asked me about) that all I could do was imagine how I was going to go clomping down to assembly this morning, pull her out into the hallway, and commense to having the Come to Jesus meeting of a lifetime with her. Imagine my disappointment when I got to the cafeteria to see that she isn't here today. Really? Can I get no joy in life?
Terps
Dear Terps,
I'm very curious as to what this charming girl-child did. It does suck when you're denied the opportunity to chew out a kid who richly deserves it. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), I get to chew out lots of kids on a daily basis. I wouldn't say it provides me with joy so much as it provides me with hypertension, but c'est la vie...et n'est pas la vie in rose. Man, I'm just about bi-lingual..ha ha
Love, Confusia

Long Weeks Need to Conclude With Decent Weekends

Dear Terps,
Has this week seemed abnormally long to you? Seriously, this week is as abnormally long as my head is abnormally large. That's saying something. Yesterday, I looked at the clock and it was only 11:20. Three hours later, I looked at the clock again, and it was 11:28. What's up with that? I thought something was wrong with my clock for awhile.
This morning at duty time, I watched this kid unwrap a piece of gum and stick it in his mouth. They've known all year gum is not allowed anywhere on campus. i walk to him, and say, "Where did you get the gum?" He says, "From my pocket." I say, "No. Where did you GET it?"
He said, "Uh. In my pocket." I rolled my eyes mentally. "No. Before it got in your pocket, it was somewhere else. Where was that somewhere?" DUH!!!! Geez! Your pocket. Okay, no shit. Now who gave it to you, dumbass? Whatever.
Tomorrow night, I am supposed to have a date. I really hope it happens because I need a fucking break! I haven't seen Friend in a couple of weeks due to conflicting schedules, and I have missed the...well, everything! I miss not having to talk about all the shit going on in my life. I miss the companionship...the snuggling up and watching a movie and laughing together,etc. So I am greatly looking forward to tomorrow. I just want to relax...not be a "teacher", or a mom, or anything other than a female human being. You know what I mean?
Alcoholic beverages and some smooching...I don't ask for alot. :) How's your endless week going?
Love, Confusia

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Dearest Confusia,
I find grey to be my favorite color these days. I just seem to be in that kind of mood, ya know? It's kind of like being in high school again.
So about my date and the whole theory of the self-fulfilling prophecy...
I think I didn't want it to work out so I went into it with that attitude. Sometimes I think I don't want to date anyone or be in a relationship with anyone. I often wonder why the hell everybody is so into "finding someone" and shit like that. Is there something wrong with me that I just want to be left the hell alone? Because I kind of think there is something wrong with the rest of the fucking world because they all seem to think being in a relationship is the end all be all of all things wonderful. In fact, I see, hell I know, people who fall all over themselves and become something unidentifiable from what they were before just to have a significant other. And, I think some people would date the fucking Lord of the Underworld because society says being with a total prick is more acceptable than being single. I get it. Relationships are hard work, blah, blah, blah, but I think the pay off should be worth it though. Even bothering to date someone right now is more effort than I think the reward could possibly be. So, here's the really sad part. Was the date terrible? No, in fact it was great. We sat and talked nonstop for two hours about all kinds of shit. It was great. Would I do it again? Sure, if I felt like hanging out and talking to someone who might as well be my brother for all the attraction I felt towards him. So here comes the part I fucking hate. I get an email telling me what a great time he had and he'd love to get together again and it occurs to me that I actually went home last night with the mindset that maybe, just maybe, he felt that way too. Maybe he'd email me and say, "It was really fun hanging out with you. It seemed a lot to me like you and I have a lot in common and could be really good friends." But no, that's not what happened and now I feel like a horrible, awful person who is in an awkward situation that she doesn't know how to handle except for to completely avoid him at all costs, because that's how I always handle that shit. See, that's why I shouldn't date.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
The relationship thing, I think, is instinctive for most people. I mean, that's how humans, as a species, continues itself...through sex. Most people feel guilty if they have sex with random people, so they pursue relationships. For me, it's the companionship, I think. The start of a relationship always makes me neurotic, though, and I hate that. I had a very neurotic weekend, as a matter of fact. I don't know why I get like that. It's so stupid.
Have you considered maybe talking to a doctor or a counselor about any of this? I wonder if your hormones are possibly off kilter. I get kind of worried for you when I read this stuff because you're such a wonderful person, and I would love it if you would find someone really awesome. Do we have to be in a relationship to lead a decent life? No. Are you abnormal if you don't want to be in a relationship? No. However, they can make life alot richer, and that shouldn't be discounted. Having just ended a bad marriage, you'd think I'd be the one saying what you're saying, and you'd be saying what I'm saying. :) Now, it could be that personality wise, relationships just aren't that important to you. I'd just hate for you to dismiss them altogether. Relationships, no matter who they're with, force us to grow. Be they family relationships, friend relationships, or love relationships...they make us deal with different aspects of ourselves, etc. I'll give you an example.
First, with Mr. Confusia, I had to confront the part of myself that is afraid to speak up. I seriously had to let go. The last big fight we had where my windshield got broken, etc...He was trying to intimidate me into giving him his way. Normally, I might have given in just to keep the material things from getting broken, but I knew that I could not. I got to the line where I just could not give in anymore. It wasn't a fun day at all for me, but I drew my boundaries and stuck by them. It was, in the end, a learning moment.
Now, I'm in something completely new for me, which is something that proceeds slowly. It's a little difficult for me, but at the same time, I know that this is the way it's supposed to happen. You're not supposed to move in together after the third date..ha ha I am learning to be more patient. I am also learning that I can entertain myself. He was busy working this weekend, and it's been two weeks since I've had time with him. Am I thrilled about that? Not really. At the same time, though, I feel it's an important lesson for me. Patience. Controlling my impulsivity. Not being a neurotic mess. Trust. Will this relationship work out? I don't know that. But I will change and grow whether it does or not.
It's about pruning, I think, is what I'm trying to say. Trim this, encourage that, feed and water, cut off the dead branches, etc. This is how human beings grow, too.
Love, Confusia

Where the Hell is Terpsichore?

Hello? Anyone out there? I'm talking about you, Terpsichore!
Alright. Well, I'll start then.
Dear Terps,
How is your mother doing? I'm sorry we couldn't get together this weekend. I wish Friday would have worked. My mom told me that the baby was up four times that night, so I'm actually astonished that she didn't call me to pick her up! I'd have called.
I had a decent weekend overall. I went shopping. I got a new pair of shoes, and some new pants, which were desperately needed since my co-workers see me in the same outfits every week. They probably take bets behind my back as to which I'll show up wearing on any particular day.
So this week has been interesting. I haven't had many kids in In-House. I HAVE had, though, a young lady from the Behavioral Intervention unit. She decided that she wanted to be with me all day. That was Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I taught a few classes to cover for some teachers at inservice...Health and P.E...because I'm not unhealthy or overweight at all. I'd be the natural choice for teaching these two classes. (loud, loud laughter)
HOW TO TEACH HEALTH...by Confusia
Alright, Guys, the first thing you (cough, cough) need to know (coughing fit) is that you should never (hacks up a lung) EVER smoke cigarettes. (clears throat and coughs.) They're really bad for you.
Second thing, be careful about what you eat. (pulls pants back up over muffin top.) You want to really eat healthy foods (takes bite of greasy donut.) and also, get plenty of exercise. (Sits down in chair)

Yeah. Awesome.
How's your week going?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
You know, that actually reminds me an awful lot of when my elementary school P.E. teacher taught our health unit. The man who thought teaching P.E. meant telling us to run the track while he read the paper, drank coffee, and ate Danishes. Damn I miss him.
My mom is good. I talked to her during lunch today. They have her doing all kinds of exercises (maybe she should teach that class) and junk, but it doesn't seem to be too hard on her.
As for me, I actually posted earlier and then deleted it. I have a date tonight. It'll probably end badly. I don't even know what to wear. Ideas?
Love, Terps
Actually, I forgot to tell you my exciting news earlier. I finally paid off UNT, so I can go back to college now!!!! I've already signed up to take the THEA test again, but will need to study like a crazy person from now til April 25th. I'm really, really happy about this. Almost as happy as I am about the fact you have a date! Nice segue, huh?
So why do you think it'll end badly? It may end up brilliantly. Who knows? You don't want to do some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Speaking of shit that ends badly, though...I just spoke with the soon-to-be ex-husband. He decided he wanted to be an a-hole. You know what I did? I was an a-hole right back to him! Isn't that fantastic? I followed that up with, "So that was fun, right. Now, we can either do that kind of thing, or we can be grown-ups who put the children's well-being first. Which plan sounds better to you?" He got better pretty quickly. Apparently he's been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend again...you know, the one who fucked his twin brother, and now they'll never know which twin is the dad of her daughter? Yeah, her. Clearly, he's a hotshot right now because she'll always stand by him, I guess. Better her than me.
Love, Confusia

Love (or is it Estrogen?) Is In the Air...

Dear Terps,
I know you are driving today and so will probably not get this until later. I observed something very humorous this morning, and wanted to share.
As you know, here in 6th Grade Co-Education, Valentine's Day is a HUGE deal. The kids are bringing in their little gifts this morning like crazy, though it's not as bad as it was last year.
The girls come in bearing their gift-wrapped presents proudly, showing everyone that they have the goods. The boys, on the other hand...I'll put it this way...I think, that if they could tie a bit of rope around their gifts, and drag them behind them on the ground, they would. It is SO funny! They've got them stuffed in backpacks. They're holding teddy bears around the neck, while almost visibly lengthening their arms to become knuckle draggers. They've got things stuffed in pockets, hidden in shirts...OMG! It's cracking me up. I guess Valentine's Day is not a very manly holiday. The differences in the genders at this age is a source of endless amusement to me.
Love, Confusia

Happy Birthday, My Friend.

Since I won't be near a computer on February 15th,
Happy Early Birthday, Carl P. Weber.
Love, Confusia

Happy Hallmark Holiday! (A Pre-VD Special)

Robert Smith taking a break from New Wave Angst.

Robert Smith posing for Confusia's favorite teen magazine "Star Hits" in 345 BC

Robert Smith asleep in Terps' bed after a wild night.

Robert Smith, shaken and stirred.

Robert Smith wearing "Crimson Sculpture" lipstick and eyeliner. There was a really cute guy in confusia's 10th grade World History class that looked much like this. It's a wonder Confusia was able to concentrate on her school work.

Robert Smith says, "Come hither."

Robert Smith after Confusia asked him out. He followed up with, "Oh. You're serious."

We rag tag Beasties back at the hotel. ha ha Confusia says, "Ad-Rock is hot."

Terpsichore once listed her dream job as "Having sex with Mike D for money."

Terps is a really smart girl. I wish I'd thought of it first. :)

"Yes, Please."-Confusia

That neck just begs to be li...I'm sorry, TMI?

Love, love, love Mr. Brody's nose.

I used to have this picture on my wall, but my soon-to-be ex husband preferred that I take it down. Screw him. I think it's going back up.

Why is this damn picture so small?

Heroic Adrien Brody.

Mmm.