What a way to end a week...

Dear Confusia,
I'm going to tell you this and then you aren't going to believe me. Then I'm going to assure you that I'm not making it up. Then you're going to laugh and point at me. Here goes. The 8th grade team took all the girls who were eligible to watch the movie Twilight this afternoon. Well, since I have a 6th grade class during 7th period, I asked if I could stay back so that I could teach my class and not try to find another teacher who would cover for me. Turns out that the trade off for staying here was that I had to cover another teacher's class during 8th period. So, I'm covering the dance class, and as the teacher didn't want to make me do anything too involved, guess what I'm getting to do with them. Right now, as I type this, I am watching the Lord of the Dance video. Yep, that's right. I know you're jealous. Try to contain it. What a way to end a week, eh?
As it turns out, I was out Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday for training and today is my first day back. I mean I guess it's nice that I only had to teach two periods today. That's a pretty easy way to slide back into the work week, but really???? This???
How has your week been? Have your heard from our record agent yet?
Love a,
Terps

That's pretty funny, Terps. When you first mentioned the Twilight movie, I thought the reason I was going to be pointing at you and laughing was because you were going to tell me you realized you were in love with the lead vampire teen. ha ha I could then have some vindication and snarky comments to make to get you back for all the Harry Potter taunts I've endured.
Alas, no.
However, you having to watch Lord of the Dance is ALMOST as funny, and probably just as painful as any "Huh huh...you love Edward Cullen."(in Butthead's voice) comments I could have made. It's just that, knowing your fondess for vampires (you know who I'm talking about) I thought "Just maybe..."ha ha ha
On another subject...I am THRILLED that today is the last day before Thanksgiving Break. When I leave this building today, I daresay that I will be doing some riverdance myself on my way out the door. Imagine me, arms stiff at my side, my feet and ankles kicking up with glee as I go down the hallway, and out the door. OMG> That is making me laugh. Seriously, tears are springing up!
I thought about taking Confusia Jr. to see Twilight tonight because I know she likes vampire stories. I'm torn because I also know that her attention seeking hysteria will probably cause her to start claiming to be a vampire, and so I will have on my hands for the next several weeks, a daughter who will ask for a coffin to sleep in, paint her face white, dye her hair jet black, try to grow extended canines, and ask me if she can pick her scabs so she can "feed". (BLURGH) ha ha ha I'm not sure if I'm up for that. If that's the case, she is for sure being sold on the black market, and I don't care who knows it. If not the black market, perhaps to the pharmaceutical companies so that they can do research on new medications to treat "vampirism". Imagine how much better this world would be if they could find a cure for all the people who think they're vampires! You want to know something crazy...I was bored at work the other day (I know...unbelievable) and I googled vampires, and I found this site where this dude (he goes by something idiotic like "whyte panther" claims to be a vampire, blah, blah, blah. His apparent girlfriend believes herself to be a "slayer". I mean, wtf? Is there not enough drama in the world for these people??? And why do they all have to give themselves ridiculous names like "Bloode Dymonde", etc. You ever meet one called just plain "Bob"? If you did, just wait till you saw him spell it, and you'd see, " BVQAHHB". STUPIDDE!!!!! So, yeah. I want a cure! I want a cure for "vampirism".
Whoa! Where'd that come from??/ ha ha ha Anyway, have a nice evening, and a lovely Thanksgiving week! If you get bored, Holla! ha ha
Love, Confusia
Wait! What do you mean you don't have to work o Monday and Tuesday?????

Back to the Daily Grind (and a year older no less)

Dearest Confusia,
I want to start by saying it was so great to see you on Saturday. It's so nice to know that we still got it... But I don't have time to do all the debriefing about the weekend just yet so instead I just want to tell you just how badly I wish you were going to be here this Thursday. Remember that karaoke club we went to here a few years back? The one we made that cd at. Not the weird 24 hour yellow room one, but the ACTUAL club. Anyway, they are having a paintball karaoke competition this Thursday in which first place gets a $500 prize. Granted, the people that suck get shot at with paintballs, but still... Oh how I wish we could participate!
Ok, gotta run. Crap to do! UGH! More later!
Love ya, Terps

Dammit, Terps, how can you tell me this? I feel like doing whatever I can to be there. If the reaction we got there last time was any indication, we'd win the thing for sure.
For those of you not in the know, this was an AWESOME place where we were the GODDESSES of karaoke. I'm talking about girls coming up to me in the restroom and telling me that they wished they could hang out with us because we're so much fun. (Which just goes to show how little strangers really know about each other..ha ha) Still, the fact that they were wrong doesn't make it any less freaking cool that they loved us so much. Man, I wish I could make it down there Thursday, I really do.

For those of you who are bored enough to care about how the weekend karaoke drunkenness went, I can break it down for you like this:
1. Alot of drinking. I can't speak for what Terps had for sure, but I had the following:
Lemon Drop
Rum and Coke
Chocolate Cake shot
Rum and coke
Chocolate Cake shot (a whole new one)
Amaretto Sour
2. Terps fell victim to the five foot tall old drunk dude not once, but TWICE, (at last count)
Not only did he giver her a big slurpy kiss on the cheek, he also grabbed her ass. I fell victim
to him only once, when he gave me a big, slurpy kiss on the cheek and tried really hard to
move it around to my lips. My neck converted to solid steel, completely immobile in its
determination to keep him from getting to the front part of my face.
3. We were offered "studio time" by some guy with a beret and a bunch of bling. He thought
we were stars just waiting to happen. So he called his friend who's in the "music business"
so we could set up a time to "perform" for him, so we could be "signed" to a "label. "
Translations are as follows:
Studio Time: Time in the back of a van
Music Business: Amateur Pornography Business
Perform: Give blow jobs on camera
Signed: Sold
Label: Brothel in Bangkok
4. Worst part of the night: You know that sucky song by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow? Now
imagine it being sung by the very drunken duo Hillbilly Bob and Patty LouAnn as they
gazed lovingly at, and couldn't keep their hands off each other. yep. Terps and I went for
another shot at this point.

BTW, Terps, did ya'll get into the freestyle rap battle with that guy after I left? I need to know what happened with that. Plus, I'm sure you were wondering, but I haven't heard from our friend with the beret and the bling.

Dear Terps,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

You're as old as I am again!

Isn't it nice that we can both be 25?

Love, Confusia

Get up here ASAP!!!

I am ready to go on tour!

Dear Confusia,

You promise that's the present you have waiting for me when I get there???

Love, Terps

Hey You!

Dear Confusia,

Michelle says she hasn't been able to get in touch with you AND you didn't add to the "Things I plan to drink" list. Everything ok?

Terps (A year older and more wrinkley...)
P.S. I'm leaving school at noon today. Is it sad that I'm actually counting down???

Things I'm Looking Forward to Drinking on Saturday

Dearest Terps,
Since you were kind enough to share a list of things you plan to eat on Thanksgiving, I decided I would share a list of things I plan to drink on Saturday. Please add to it as you see fit.
Many Tito and tonics, unless they don't have Tito's (which will sadden me) which can be replaced with some other vodka
German chocolate cake shot
Mind Eraser
Random shot that we go to the bar and slur, "Can you make us something good?"

Please suggest others!

Well, I might have a Lemon Drop. It just sounds good to me. I'm sure I will also meet up with our good friend, the Captain at some point. I'm really excited because i have a babysitter who's willing to watch the kids all night if need be. Holy Shit, do I owe her bigtime!!!

That's awesome! I think we should be sure to make a toast to her! Oh, and have you had a Tuaca Lemon Drop? Yummy!

Things I'm Looking Forward to Eating on Thanksgiving

Dear Terps, Dearest Confusia,

Alright, it truly is this boring today. I was thinking, "Do I have anything to tell Terps today?"

and I answered myself, "Well, uh, it's a little chilly today....errrrrr......." Of course it's chilly there. My mom already sent me the "It's going to be cold this weekend so don't forget to bring warm clothes" email...

So I thought i'd make a little list instead. Knowing how much you, as a Vegan, love all that is Thanksgiving, feel free to add to the list. :) Thanksgiving....gag. I pretty much hate everything even remotely Thanksgiving cuisiney, so I shall give you my critique of the items on your list and then add what I will be eating on Thanksgiving day.

THINGS I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT ON THANKSGIVING:

1. Squash Casserole. This is the most important thing. I get to eat this once a year, and that day is only a few weeks away. I'm so happy! My dad does some actually brilliant stuff with squash, and we always try to get him to make enough for a battalion so that we can have it as leftovers for a week or so. It's all yummy, melty, squash, bell peppers, onion, cheese, cracker crumbles...I do't know what all is in it, and I'm sure it's a million gazillion calories, and I don't fucking care, because it is just that good. Once upon a time, long, long ago, before the thought of eating cheese gagged the nuts off me, I would eat squash casserole, but last Thanksgiving, when I was at my mom's just looking at it, it did something to me. I found it unwell to the eye. But I do have vague recollections of it being tasty. So very, very good. Just make it without cheese. (Did I just say that???) But it has butter and all kinds of other crap, oh and I don't cook so I wouldn't make it anyway...

2. Stuffing. I'm going to try to make some stuffing this year that is outstanding. Keep in mind that I always have these delusions of me as a master chef, and then when I burn the fuck out of everything, or it's all bland, or runny, or too much pepper, whatever...it breaks my heart. You'd think I'd learn. Anyway, I want to really try to get creative with some stuffing this year by adding some jalapenos and pecans. Last year my dad made oyster stuffing, and that's just not acceptable. He was forgiven only because of (see above) So, stuffing is moderately acceptable, but I am very suspicious of it for the most part because many a can of chicken stock has been hidden in it's cornbready goodness. Therefore, I avoid it.Well, this is easy to fix. All you have to do is make it with vegetable stock instead, and add a bunch of veggies to give it some exciting textures and tastes. Please see above about me cooking.

3. Pumpkin pie. Ambrosial nectar of the gods. I think I've mentioned this to you before, but I read an interesting study once that said that pumpkin pie scent was the number one aphrodisiac in the world. Seriously. They did studies on men and women, and the level of hormonal (sexual) activity in the, um, loins, was the highest when they smelled pumpkin pie. I believe this, and that's why I smear my body with a pumpkin pie every time we go out. Sure it may look funny, but it's POTENT! This explains SO much to me. Pumpkin pie, much like sex, repulses me. I find it the most disgusting of all the Thanksgiving staples. What if it's made of pumpkin pudding? (Oh wait...) The flavor and texture of it is so revolting.

4. Green Bean Casserole. This is the kind that has mushroom soup, and those little crunchy onions on top. I don't know why this isn't a staple at family dinners across America on a daily basis, but in our family, you get it once a year. We've learned to make the most of it. See, it's so funny to me to see that you like this. It's like you take a perfectly good green bean and then scar it for life. I think maybe I don't understand the concept of a casserole. Here, take these several cans of unrelated and inedible crap and dump it in an oven-safe dish and heat at 375 for an hour. I don't get it. Don't knock the casserole. Casseroles can be wonderful, comforting foods. Very tasty. Oh, please don't take it that I've never tried ye olde green bean casserole. I speak from experience.

5. Sweet Potatoes. In my family, we have two camps. One that says Sweet Potatoes are the best thing that ever happened to Thanksgiving, and the other that gags as the dish of SP are passed by them. I belong to the first group. Sweet Potatoes = Sex. Well, technically pumpkin pie equals sex, but sweet potatoes are a really slow, sensual make-out session that lasts for hours. I'd be a gagger. Again, I think it's no coincidence that I'm not a big fan of hours-long make-out sessions...What about when they have brown sugar and pecans in them? Uhm, let me consider it...NO!

6. Homemade rolls. I always joke that Thanksgiving dinner is never ready until my mom yells, "Oh God, The BREAD, the BREAD!" as she jumps out of her chair and lurches towards the oven.This happens either just before, or as the smoke alarm starts shrieking. Whatever. My mom makes some crescent rolls that are so good, you literally see family members hoarding them. Like, there goes Dad putting ten of them on his plate at one time because once they get around the table they might all be gone...ha ha People are tucking them into napkins and shit...It's embarrassing. This is usually the only thing at the Thanksgiving table I can eat, and that's because dear ol' mom takes pains to make sure to buy non-egg rolls and doesn't butter before baking.i belong to the "No Store Bought Rolls on Thanksgiving Club." As long as someone else gets stuck making them. You mean like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

7. Buttermilk Pie. This is not as good as pumpkin pie, but this is the only way I know that I really am a Southern Girl. Buttermilk Pie (should be read in a ludicrously exaggerated Southern Belle accent) is so warm and buttery and sugary. Again with the million calories, but so worth it.

How is it that so much stuff in the world tastes like crap until you put it in a pie? Pumpkin isn't too great until it's a pie. Buttermilk is downright nasty, but stick it in a pie and you've got culinary gold! Interesting. So, upon reflection, I just hate pie. I hate all pies. I hate pie crust. Yuck!Honestly Terps, this is a no-brainer. Who eats pie crust? Not me. You just pick out the filling. The filling gags me as well. The idea of all of it. Even foods I love, like cherries are made disgusting by baking them in a pie.

Anyhow, that's what I've got for you today. If you stayed awake throught the entire post then you win a free tofurkey. Congratulations.

Tofurkey's not all it's cracked up to be, and let's be honest, it's not cracked up to be much. You're pulling my leg... Your vertible tofurkey leg!One more reason for me not to participate in the Thanksgiving celebration. In fact, since I'm heading up to visit the folks this weekend, I decided that I wouldn't be able to go for Thanksgiving. (Genuis!) So, what will I have for Thanksgiving this year? I'm guessing a couple of vodka and tonics (because I have to work at the bar that day) and then maybe a peanut butter sandwich when I get home. Bon Appetit!

Terps

WE DID IT!

Dear TERPS,
I am so excited that I lived to see the day that America would elect an African-American president.
More than that, I'M effing THRILLED that we have an end in sight to the past eight years!
Now get up here so we can get our drink on!!! ha ha ha
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
I wish it was this weekend and not next weekend. I don't know if I can make it.
Love, Terps