Compulsive Eating and Confusia...When to Say Yes.

Dear Terps,
Do you think it's a bad thing that I've already eaten two Hershey bars today? Let me run it down for you...
1. Student put on house arrest for threatening to shoot a kid at school...Check.
2. Student sent to alternative school for theft...Check.
3. Students sent for being a total pain in the kisser...Check, and Check.
4. Students sent for gang tagging the bathroom...Check, and Check.
5. Student arrested for having weed on him in my classroom...Check.
6. Another student for theft...Check.
7. Another student for theft...Check.
8. Student who tagged another student...Check.

This all equals good times for me. I'm afraid if I turn my back, my cell will be stolen while another student tags my ass. On top of that, another (this is the third) desk in my room was broken this morning. I just got into an argument with a kid because I told him to throw away the wadded up yarn in his pocket, which, let's face it, he probably stole. Oh, God forbid he can't keep his tangled YARN!!! He had to give me massive attitude for that. The full eye roll, and the slam dunk into the trash can. I went out to change the marquee about an hour ago, and IT was tagged with gang shit. This day is effin' great. I have to go eat my third Hershey's now.
Love, Confusia
aka Queen Westside Shadow Killa...wurd.

Let's Play a Game!

Dear Confusia,
Inspired by your previous post, let's play:
If I Could Have a Drink Right Now, What Would It Be?
I'll start:
Being as how it's only 9:45 in the morning, I think I would spike my coffee with a shot or two of Kahlua.
You?
(5 Hours Later)
I guess I'm playing this game by myself. Well, since last I posted, I would add the following to my list:
At noon, with lunch, I would have had two (or more) flavored vodkas (maybe strawberry) with soda water.
During passing period, I would have downed a shot, perhaps chilled Three Olives Chocolate Vodka. (Though this is a pleasant drink, and I would have liked to take the time to savor it, passing period is only 5 minutes long, so...)
Dear Terps,
I didn't see this until today. I would've played otherwise. Today, I'd drink Jagermeister straight out of the damn bottle. I was in the bathroom taking deep, calming breaths before ten. I've got ten or eleven kids with me, all of whom are supposed to be at alternative school, all of whom (well 90%) are acting like little demons. Today SUCKS!!! Seriously, last week was a walk in the park compared to today. It's sad when I'm looking forward to sitting outside a bathroom for eight hours during TAKS. I am looking forward...to sitting outside a bathroom.....for EIGHT hours... Let that sink in a minute.
Love, Confusia

I Am Officially Needing a Drink.

Dear Terps,
PLEASE GET ME THE HE** OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Love, Confusia
Dearest Confusia,
It is only because I currently have my smallest (and therefore best) class right now that I haven't completely lost it.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Two of the kids were sent to the office, so it's a smidgen better in here. This week has been HARD! To top it off, I have that damn test on Saturday to look forward to...Hm, work all day, quadratic equations all night...What's not to love??? I know now why I don't work at an alternative school. Oh wait! I DO!

Wedding Bells and Other Noises from Hell

Dear Confusia,
I was just curious about whether you received both your invitation to Rachel's wedding and shower.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I got the e-vite, but my stupid POS computer won't let me open it. Actually, that's not the computer's fault, it's that the site is FORBIDDEN!. If you could send me info in a regular e-mail or if you want to just give me a call, that would be great. I almost called you after work yesterday, but I thought you might find the cross between giddy and maniacal laughter a little frightening. But I'm better now... : } ha ha

Ugh!

This day is stressing me out. Cheer me up!!!
Dear Terps,
You are not alone in stressville. I am currently surrounded by a bunch of juvenile delinquents, and am trying to teach them math. Guess what two of my least favorite things in the world are...
1. Juvenile Delinquents
2. Math

That's why I work in education, and specialize in juvenile delinquents. I'm a masochist. CLEARLY!!!

I want to binge eat. I want to binge drink. I want to chain smoke. Preferably all at the same time. I want Adrien Brody delivered to my house dipped in chocolate, whipped cream, and whiskey. Not the cheap shit, either! Belgian chocolate, real whipped cream, Jack Daniels. Oh, and probably handcuffs so he can't get away...ha ha That's not too much for a girl to ask, right?

What do you want? And make it JUICY! ha ha We're going to fantasize our way out of this mess! ha ha
Love, Confusia

Fun With Food Analogies!!!

Dear Terps,
I don't know about you, but this week blows so far. I'm studying like crazy for the THEA test Saturday. I have my own homeroom this week because of all the kids who have been sent to alternative school, but have to stay with me until TAKS next week. Which means, of course, that I'm the last "teacher" they'll have before they take TAKS. I'm trying to do TAKS countdowns in Math with them, but since they've been spending most of the year getting in trouble, they're easily lost. So am I, for that matter, not because I don't know how to do it myself, but because trying to explain how to do it to them is difficult for me. I am becoming Queen of the Analogies....For example:

1. So, the formula is C=2 (pi) r. Let's look at it like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. So, the equation is D=c/(pi). Remember those workbenches you played with when you were a kid? We're going to plug numbers into this equation just like you hammered the pegs into the workbench...
3. So, here we have a coordinate plane. Imagine that this is a pizza...

Here's another analogy...
Here we have a bunch of kids about to take TAKS. Let's look at them like they are toast...
ha ha ha
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Sounds like you have a lot of fun times ahead. Since I teach 8th graders, we have already taken the math test. In fact, we got the results back yesterday and all of the 8th graders passed. We only had one girl not pass the reading. It's pretty incredible. Granted, we have science and social studies next week, and I hear the 8th grade science test is a bitch, but...
I took yesterday off because we all went out Sunday night to celebrate Rachel and Kelli's birthdays. It's been so hard getting back into the swing of things today. Ugh!
BTW, how's Con Jr. doing with the musical?
Love, Terps

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Confusia,
I do not know what it is about this week, but it seems like it has gone by at a painstakingly slow pace. It hasn't beena bad week. Nothing horrible has happened to me. School has been fine and all of that, but it just seems like the days are CREEPING by. In fact, I can't believe that it's only Thursday. It should so be Friday, of next week.
Anyway, last night was the final night of my bowling league season. I have to tell you how awesome this is. We went into the last night of competition in second place, being 7 points behind the first place team. As luck would have it, we were bowling the first place team. In order to move into first place, we were going to have to win all 8 points (that's the max number of points per match). Well, we already hated the other team because the last time we bowled against them, they would say shit like, "Nice," when we'd miss spares and crap like that. Real sportsmanlike. Anyway, we ended up winning every game and got high series points. Therefore, we got the full 8 points and beat those a-holes. We ended the season in first place. It was so sweet!!!!!
Ok, that's all I got for you. Hope you have a good Thursday!
Love, Terps

Easter Good Times...

Dear Terps,
Saturday night, the kids and I were dying Easter Eggs. I give the baby a hard-boiled egg and a little q-tip with dye in her high chair so she can participate too. She starts coloring on her egg with the Q-tip, and I think, all is well. The next time I look over at her, she has gnawed her way through a third of that egg! Shells and all! ha ha Oh my God! I have never seen a child eat an egg with the shell on... She spit all the shell out, of course, but still, you'd think I never feed the child! I guess she got confused because she was in her high chair. "I'm in this weird chair, and that usually means it's time to eat, but Mom's cooking is really not up to par today, I've gotta say!" More later.

If Only it Were Adam Duritz!

Dear Terps,
I just read that Paul Rudd is auctioning off a lunch date with himself for a charity which has something to do with female filmmakers. If I remember correctly, you like him, so I thought you might want to get on e-bay and see what the current bid is. If you're interested...I'd try to win it for you, but as we all know, I could be outbid by a homeless cat. :( Unless you want to loan me the money....ha ha ha
-Confusia
Dear Confusia,
If only... I do find Paul incredibly HOT! He is definitely on my Top 5 List. So, did you have Friday off or did you have to work to make up for a bad weather day early this year? We had the day off, but yet is STILL doesn't seem like enough time off. Ugh! I was actually counting up the days we have left in the school year. That's probably a bad sign. This is the last week of the 5th six-weeks, so that's reassuring. Oh, and two of my classes are having "reward" days today, so I hsould get some quality reading time in.
So, how was your Easter?
Love, Terps

FYI

Dear Confusia,
The Beastie Boys are playing at Austin City Limits this year. Thought you might want to know.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
When is that? How are you doing today?
Love, Confusia
Confusia,
The festival is October 2-4, I think. And I'm doing fine. I'm always fine. I hope you aren't asking me that based on yesterday's post. I'm not suicidal or anything.
Terps
Dear Terps,
Oh please, telling me you're not suicidal??? I know where you work! ha ha But I wasn't asking based on yesterday's post. I was asking in the hopes that you had something extremely exciting to tell me so that I wouldn't struggle with the soul-numbing boredom of a work day. :)
I'm doing alright, but that's primarily because I know the weeks left of school are now in the single digits. I take the THEA test in about two weeks, and will need to study like nobody's business all fourteen days. Why is it that once you learn something, it doesn't stay in your head? Do you know how much it pisses me off that I have to relearn algebra AGAIN!?! SEriously??? Like learning it the first fourteen times wasn't enough???
I was reading my paper copy of our book the other night, and I was laughing so hard. It made me catch the fever again. Don't be surprised if it pops up in your e-mail sometime soon!
I just love all of our characters. They are an absolute delight.
Love, Confusia

Testing...

Dear Confusia,
Yep, that's right. We're testing today. I forgot what it's like to teach a grade level in which they can't pass to the next grade if they don't pass the standardized tests. Testing starts early and happens frequently. Oh and of course I shouldn't be on my computer. I should be walking around, distracting the girls while they test. Ugh! At least when I taught special ed I could read the test aloud to them. It gave me something to do. But this...oh God!
So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I was getting these weird spasms in my gut that felt like gall stones. I knew it couldn't be that, because I don't have a gall bladder, but it sucked and scared the pee out of me. Turns out it was nothing. A little acid reflux from going to bed with food in my stomach. No biggie. But here's the deal. I gave up processed food for the New Year, and I've lost some weight. Well, I'd set a number in my head that I thought would be a good weight for me. At the doctor's office yesterday I learned that I reached that number. The problem...I STILL hate my body. I was talking to two other teachers about it this morning and they told me that I absolutely shouldn't lose another pound, but when I look at myself I see this fat, frumpy cow. I mean what gives? How do I handle that? Out of all the reasons anyone has ever had for me to see a therapist, this is the only one that I'm thinking might be worthy. What do you think?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
My first thought about this is wondering why it's so important to you not to look like a "fat, frumpy cow." I just wonder about that. Is it a fear of what people will think of you? Is it a fear that you won't be as good as somebody else if you're fat? Is it a fear of being unhealthy? Of being out of control? Of not being attractive? These are the questions I would have. As you know, this isn't a problem that I have. I have the exact opposite problem, but in thinking about why someone would hate her body, these are reasons I would consider. It might be something completely different, so keep in mind I'm winging it here...It's strange in a way, but I think probably because I've given birth, I have this sense of how amazing the female body is, and the unbelievable power that it has. I became quite a bit more relaxed about my body after I had a baby, and I think that's a common feeling. Since you haven't had a baby, I know that's not really a cure for you, but your athleticism might be able to give you the same feeling. If you take pride not merely in what your body looks like, but rather in what it can DO, that might help. Does that make sense? It might be a way to start overcoming your body hatred. I mean, GEEZ! Your body just did a 10K! How fat and frumpy could you possibly be? How many cows do you know that run 10K's?? I know from our days doing the exercises with the students in R-3 that you're plenty flexible, you don't have asthma, diabetes, or any of the other myriad problems that plague heavier people. Your body is healthy. You should be proud of that. All I'm saying is that it's a beginning. If the hatred continues then I think you should see a therapist about it because I can't think of many things sadder than for someone to hate her own body. It's so much a part of who we are, and we depend on it every second of every day, that to hate it would be a hardship every minute of the year. We should be friends with our bodies as best we can. It would be different if you hated your body because it failed you in some way (ie. epilepsy, diabetes, cancer, etc.) Then the frustration would be more because of betrayal, I suspect. Do you feel that your body has betrayed you in some way? I'm curious about how you feel about that.
On another note, I went out with my friend this weekend, and I finally had the guts to ask if this was a monogamous thing. I was hoping it was because I don't like the idea of "playing the field". I was worried about bringing it up because I didn't want him to feel I was trying to somehow put a leash on him or whatever. So I asked him about it, and he replied that yes, it was. or why? If you've found someone you like better, etc. I found that so indicative of the difference in the thought processes of men and women. I thought he was going to think one way, but he thought I was asking because I wanted to see someone else. I swear we need an intergender translating machine to carry around with us. I was stunned that he thought I wanted to see someone else. I was like, "My God, after you everyone else would be boring!" That's true. I can't imagine anyone else being as fascinating because I never know what he'll say or do. Just when I think I've got a grasp on his personality, he'll show yet another side of himself. It's utterly captivating! :) He is amazing.
So do you have any good Easter plans? Mine will involve cleaning up the incredibly huge mess that the kids make decorating their Easter eggs. That's always fun. It is just wrong that all of those Easter egg coloring kits have the pictures of beautifully colored eggs sitting in a nice, clean Easter basket in a nice, clean environment. Those eggs are done by professional artists, NOT by six year olds, or THIRTY-six year olds for that matter. That's right, I can't even make an egg look like the ones on the package. What I can do is mop up the mess when the inevitable dye spill happens. I can try my best to scrub the blue and green stains off of the kids' (and my own) hands, but fail. I can attempt to get all the glitter pieces off of the table and floor. I can wipe up the tears when the favorite egg that the child worked on for thirty minutes rolls off the table and cracks on the floor. I want to know who invented dying Easter eggs because I really want to have a chat with him/her. I think you should drive up this Saturday and join in the fun! I mean, you assisted me with five pages of stickers for the Barbie Townhouse from Hell. (" Uh, I've got a cat face sticker here. Any ideas???) Why not this, too?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I've weighed 100 pounds more than I do right now. Suffice it to say that I don't expect my body to be well-behaved. It's proven itself to get out of hand before. And I KNOW that it wasn't my body that did that, it was my mind. But, as you know, the mind is a wonderfully complex machine that can convince us of anything. It was my mind that told my body it WOULD run every step of that 10K. It is my mind that tells me when to pick up that fork and better yet when to lay it down. Back in the day, it was my mind that let me make all those decisions that caused me to be 100 pounds heavier than I am now. It is also my mind that blames my body for that. It is my mind that says, "You look fat. You aren't thin enough. You aren't healthy. If you don't watch what you eat you'll end up with diabetes, cancer, etc." I think it is some defense mechanism that my mind has established to save itself from itself. So long as it can always find a flaw, it'll keep moving in the right direction.
I viewed myself for 24 years as morbidly obese. I saw that image everyday for 24 years. My mind can't shake that image. I don't even necessarily want to lose that image. I need it to keep me from going back. However, I need some clue about the reality of my actual body, not the one emblazened in my psyche. I think that's the hurdle I need help getting over.
As for my Easter plans, they include sitting on my couch and watching TV. Easter is a very sacred holiday for me indeed...
Terps

Lucky Me

Dear Terps,
I am wishing it were somehow Spring Break again. Only week before last, and I'm already back to full house in In-House. I have some interesting offenders today...Here's the rundown...

Tom: Used the phrase "stupid ass" to describe a fellow student.
Dick: The kid dubbed "stupid ass". Retaliated with another name I was not informed about.
Larry: Informed another student that he sucks on his mother's "deformed t***". (Reminds me of the good old days back in R3...)
Then Stephanie and Jane got into a yelling match which caused a massive disruption outside.
The others were being disruptive. Every five minutes another one walks in. I'm about to hang a "CLOSED" sign on my door. Do you think it will work?
Have to run for now. I'm about to get on my soapbox and deliver a terrific tongue lashing to the whole lot of them. I've grown weary of them.
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I too am a lucky, lucky person. Do you know how easy and fun it is to try to teach 6th graders the finer points of MacBeth? If you don't, I highly suggest you giving it a try. Maybe you could put on a little In-School Shakespearean festival at your school. Oh fuck, they need me again. UGH!