Okay, I'm not trying to turn this into a political blog or an "I heart Obama" blog, but I just found out something so incredibly and utterly brain dead that I am forced to put in my two cents.
There are people out there who genuinely have convinced themselves that Sen. Obama is the Anti-Christ.
I am floored. I am never speechless, but I have now come close to it.
If you believe this, please raise your right hand, and state, "I am an ASS CLOWN!" Sorry, Terps, I know this is your word, but nothing else fits.
I want to state, for the record, that I am not:
1. Atheist
2. Ignorant of the Bible
3. Black
4. African-American
5. Muslim
6. A Mason
7. Satanic
8. an Assclown
For the record, I am:
1. Christian. Yes, I know I just called you an Ass Clown. I asked myself what Jesus would do beforehand, and that's what I came up with.
2. White/Caucasian
3. Democrat
4. in possession of a Bible and its contents.
I would like to add that Sen. Obama had a chance just last night to eat my children (post entitled "Yes, I Did!") and did not do so. He did however, express concern for their safety, and asked people to stop pushing forward so as to keep my children from being crushed. Hardly the work of a Satanic Baby-Sacrificer.
Reasons Why Only an Assclown Would Think Obama is the Anti-Christ.
1. Senator Obama isn't named Damien which The Omen clearly states is going to be the Anti-Christ's name.
Okay, that one was just a joke. Here we go:
1. Just because someone has a message of hope doesn't make them evil. Jesus Himself brought a message of hope, or don't you remember that "Gospel" means "Good News"?
2. Alot of people liking someone doesn't make them evil. Even if it's Halle Berry offering to clean up trash for him. It just means that people are being inspired. Has it been so long that you've forgotten what a wonderful feeling that is?
3. If you honestly believe that's he's a Muslim Terrorist, nothing I say will convince you. You're just an idiot. Perhaps someday there will be a cure. In the meantime, go find a freakin' village.
I'm not slamming you for being a Christian. I'm slamming you for being dumb. No, you're not wiser than everyone else. No, you're not being persecuted. Drop the cross, someone needs the wood. YOU ARE JUST STUPID>That's it.
4. A message of unity...also not evil. In fact, the Christian faith itself could not have grown without people of different backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs working together. Or do only white, American, non-Jews(even the Messianic kind), non-Catholics, non-Mormons get to be Christian and talk about their Christian faith? Unity does not equal evil.
5. The last time I checked, taking care of the sick, the poor, the elderly, and ending the influence of big, powerful rich corrupt people were not on Satan's MySpace profile. Highly unlikely the anti-Christ would be all for these things. Yes, I know he's going to fool lots of people, he's going to talk about unity, he's going to rise to power swiftly. (btw, I wonder if Obama thinks his rise to power has been swift. Probably not, would be my guess.)
There are lots of other reasons why you're an assclown, but I don't have time to go into all of them. For those of the scarier ones who aren't just stupid, but violent and psychotic, too, who are talking about a Christian assassination of Senator Obama on their blogs...Both God the Father, and Jesus Christ spoke out against this. Thou shalt not kill. I pray for the safety of all the candidates. - Confusia
Friday, February 29, 2008
Finally...Oh, Wait!
Dear Confusia,
You might recall me telling you about the filmmaking class I have been teaching, yes? Well, thankfully, it ended today. We had all of the girls show their films and then a Q and A afterward. They were oh so very entertaining! Anyway, I was thankful today as I was putting everything away. I was thinking to myself about how we had survived the second worst module in the class when it dawned on me that the Shakespeare unit is next. DAMMIT! The only thing I can imagine worse than teaching 11 year olds to make films is teaching them to put on a play by good ol' Willie. I wonder if I could get away with just showing them Shakespeare in Love everyday?
Terpsichore
(BTW, Joseph Fiennes is HOT!!!!)
You might recall me telling you about the filmmaking class I have been teaching, yes? Well, thankfully, it ended today. We had all of the girls show their films and then a Q and A afterward. They were oh so very entertaining! Anyway, I was thankful today as I was putting everything away. I was thinking to myself about how we had survived the second worst module in the class when it dawned on me that the Shakespeare unit is next. DAMMIT! The only thing I can imagine worse than teaching 11 year olds to make films is teaching them to put on a play by good ol' Willie. I wonder if I could get away with just showing them Shakespeare in Love everyday?
Terpsichore
(BTW, Joseph Fiennes is HOT!!!!)
Yes, I DID! By Confusia
So I took the kids with me to the Convention Center last night to see Senator Obama. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd be shaking hands with him! AWESOME! It was me, the baby, my five year old son, my 12 yo daughter, and one of her friends from school. (Imagine the fun of taking four kids with you to a political rally. No, really IMAGINE it!) We stood in line for awhile, went through the very heavy security (Think Secret Service guys with their suits and earpieces.) and then ended up getting shuffled into the "overflow room". We were told that someone from Obama's campaign would come into the room to speak to everybody, and to walk over to this area where they had a little platform set up with some metal gates around it. So off I went with all my little ducklings to stand dutifully beside the gate. Someone mentioned that Obama himself might come in, and we were excited at that possibility. Well, eight o'clock hits, and in walks Barack Obama, covered in Secret Service guys. He gets up on the platform and says something which I don't hear because the crowd has gone wild, which has caused the baby to start screaming hysterically in my ear. Then, he gets off the platform, and starts walking around the gates shaking hands. The crowd immediately starts pushing forward and screaming. At that point, my son was mashed into the gate, I was trying to lift the baby up a little so that she wouldn't be crushed against me so much. I was also attempting to brace myself for a rumble with the people behind me in order to keep my kids from getting crushed. I looked at the Secret Service guys and said, "My kids are getting squashed!" They're like, "So? Do they have guns? Are they potential assassins? Then we don't care." Then Obama is in front of us, and he goes,"OH, YOU HAVE A BABY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" I reply, "NO, WE'RE GETTING SQUASHED!" He stands back for a second, raises his voice, and says, "PLEASE DON'T PUSH! THERE'S A BABY UP HERE!" Then he touched the baby's hand (who's still screaming hysterically.", shook hands with my (a little bit flatter than when we arrived) son, my twelve year old, and her friend from school who's snapping cell phone pictures like a tourist. It was a little scary, a lot exciting, and I'm very, very thrilled that my kids and I got to be a part of it.
How amazing to see history come alive, and get to shake hands with the first African-American to run for the office of President of the United States of America. All I could think was, "This is Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream becoming a reality."
How amazing to see history come alive, and get to shake hands with the first African-American to run for the office of President of the United States of America. All I could think was, "This is Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream becoming a reality."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Hell Hath No Fury
Dear Confusia,
I can't even begin to explain the rage I feel right now. Seriously! I know it's going to seem insane to you when I tell you why I'm so infuriated, but it wouldn't be the first time I have proven my neurosis on this blog, so here goes..
I had some guys (of course they were guys! OF COURSE THEY WERE STUPID, FUCKING GUYS!!!!!) that I know read snatchdotcom and the reviews they gave were as follows:
Douche Bag said, "Well, they are sort of funny. Nothing side hurting or anything, but funny." Really, JERK FACE???? Nothing side hurting? What if I punched you in the kidney? Would that be side hurting? I don't know if it would be side hurting, but I DO know it'd be fuckin' funny!
Assclown said, "taken one at a time they're funny but all together it gets a little boring. i mean, since i know the same person created each one, even though they are all amusing, i just wanted to say, "yeah, now what?" and there wasn't anything else to the site except more of the same...i don't think i'd keep going back for more."
Really, FUCKTARD? Since you KNOW the same person created each one...???? Really? Since you KNOW that? Guess what, Confusia. You and I are know the same person. I know this, because this TOOL KNOWS that the same person created each one.
Anyway, so back to the proof that I am crazy...I am so fucking angry at these two SCROTUM SCABS that I can't even see straight. Also, what they may have forgotten is that I know how to get access to pictures of each of them online...suffice to say that there just might be two new profiles on snatchdotcom very soon!!!
-Terps
You know, I think Regan is right. You did forget to include "douchebag" in the labels list.
Okay, I'm just going to be the voice of reason at this point because let's face it, it's rare that I get to be that. ha ha Not everyone has the same sense of humor, or indeed ANY sense of humor. These guys obviously don't share ours...oh well. I know I'm not going to lose any sleep over it...especially since I'm losing so much to the baby already. I haven't got any more sleep to lose. If I do, I'll just be awake 24/7, and no one wants to see that happen. Here's the deal...Since A. one of them asks, "Yeah, now what?" we need to give him an answer. and B. It's nothing side-hurting funny, anyway...We probably should go ahead and give them a profile. We can try our best to make it as funny as two humorless girls such as ourselves can manage. Perhaps then, they'll see just how hilarious it is. BUT! I think a better solution would just be to go egg their house. What do you say? -Confusia
P.S. Whoops. I forgot that we have a far more powerful weapon at our disposal. Maybe it's time for them to receive a visit from "DaThug."
Also, I want to add after looking at the site again for a second. It definitely is not "seen one, seen 'em all". I mean, each picture is so different! We've got everything from a mime, to a trekkie, to a guy naked from the waist down with his junk covered up by the seven foot long catfish he's squeezing! No two pictures are alike, which means no two profiles are alike. I'm a firm believer in to each his own, but I would have to say that these guys' comments are a little screwy.
I can't even begin to explain the rage I feel right now. Seriously! I know it's going to seem insane to you when I tell you why I'm so infuriated, but it wouldn't be the first time I have proven my neurosis on this blog, so here goes..
I had some guys (of course they were guys! OF COURSE THEY WERE STUPID, FUCKING GUYS!!!!!) that I know read snatchdotcom and the reviews they gave were as follows:
Douche Bag said, "Well, they are sort of funny. Nothing side hurting or anything, but funny." Really, JERK FACE???? Nothing side hurting? What if I punched you in the kidney? Would that be side hurting? I don't know if it would be side hurting, but I DO know it'd be fuckin' funny!
Assclown said, "taken one at a time they're funny but all together it gets a little boring. i mean, since i know the same person created each one, even though they are all amusing, i just wanted to say, "yeah, now what?" and there wasn't anything else to the site except more of the same...i don't think i'd keep going back for more."
Really, FUCKTARD? Since you KNOW the same person created each one...???? Really? Since you KNOW that? Guess what, Confusia. You and I are know the same person. I know this, because this TOOL KNOWS that the same person created each one.
Anyway, so back to the proof that I am crazy...I am so fucking angry at these two SCROTUM SCABS that I can't even see straight. Also, what they may have forgotten is that I know how to get access to pictures of each of them online...suffice to say that there just might be two new profiles on snatchdotcom very soon!!!
-Terps
You know, I think Regan is right. You did forget to include "douchebag" in the labels list.
Okay, I'm just going to be the voice of reason at this point because let's face it, it's rare that I get to be that. ha ha Not everyone has the same sense of humor, or indeed ANY sense of humor. These guys obviously don't share ours...oh well. I know I'm not going to lose any sleep over it...especially since I'm losing so much to the baby already. I haven't got any more sleep to lose. If I do, I'll just be awake 24/7, and no one wants to see that happen. Here's the deal...Since A. one of them asks, "Yeah, now what?" we need to give him an answer. and B. It's nothing side-hurting funny, anyway...We probably should go ahead and give them a profile. We can try our best to make it as funny as two humorless girls such as ourselves can manage. Perhaps then, they'll see just how hilarious it is. BUT! I think a better solution would just be to go egg their house. What do you say? -Confusia
P.S. Whoops. I forgot that we have a far more powerful weapon at our disposal. Maybe it's time for them to receive a visit from "DaThug."
Also, I want to add after looking at the site again for a second. It definitely is not "seen one, seen 'em all". I mean, each picture is so different! We've got everything from a mime, to a trekkie, to a guy naked from the waist down with his junk covered up by the seven foot long catfish he's squeezing! No two pictures are alike, which means no two profiles are alike. I'm a firm believer in to each his own, but I would have to say that these guys' comments are a little screwy.
Yes, We Can!
Dear Terps,
As you know, election year is like my year long Superbowl. I am so hyped because tonight, I'm taking the family out for a little political rally action with my man, Senator Obama. I can't wait to go home, put on my "Impeach Bush Now" t-shirt, make a little t-shirt for the baby that says, "Democrats Do It Better...Here's Proof.", create a few signs for the kids to parade around with, and head up to the Ft. Worth Convention Center to hear Obama speak. Citizenship in action! That's me! What bugs me is that I'd asked permission to take two of the kids from the school who are really excited to see an African American running for President, but I was told I couldn't do it. Due to the dangers of transporting students, putting myself in a situation where I could possible end up being accused of something trashy, etc. It's such a shame that kids and parents who accuse innocent teachers of wrong-doing so they can sue school districts, and pedophile teachers have created an environment of fear that prohibits us from offering fantastic opportunities to kids who will not have these experiences otherwise. I'm really hoping the kids' parents will take them to the rally since I can't. It would be great for these two boys to get inspired to do well in school and stay out of trouble. I'm going to try and get some pictures from the rally for them just in case, and I know I'll still enjoy going. Confusia Jr. is really excited about it. That makes me feel good as a mom. Of course, she may just be thinking, "If I'm at this stupid rally thing, I won't have to stay in my room tonight, so it'll be a day less of being grounded. Score!" Little does she know that her evil mother has already planned on giving her a make-up day of grounding! heh heh heh.
Love, Confusia
As you know, election year is like my year long Superbowl. I am so hyped because tonight, I'm taking the family out for a little political rally action with my man, Senator Obama. I can't wait to go home, put on my "Impeach Bush Now" t-shirt, make a little t-shirt for the baby that says, "Democrats Do It Better...Here's Proof.", create a few signs for the kids to parade around with, and head up to the Ft. Worth Convention Center to hear Obama speak. Citizenship in action! That's me! What bugs me is that I'd asked permission to take two of the kids from the school who are really excited to see an African American running for President, but I was told I couldn't do it. Due to the dangers of transporting students, putting myself in a situation where I could possible end up being accused of something trashy, etc. It's such a shame that kids and parents who accuse innocent teachers of wrong-doing so they can sue school districts, and pedophile teachers have created an environment of fear that prohibits us from offering fantastic opportunities to kids who will not have these experiences otherwise. I'm really hoping the kids' parents will take them to the rally since I can't. It would be great for these two boys to get inspired to do well in school and stay out of trouble. I'm going to try and get some pictures from the rally for them just in case, and I know I'll still enjoy going. Confusia Jr. is really excited about it. That makes me feel good as a mom. Of course, she may just be thinking, "If I'm at this stupid rally thing, I won't have to stay in my room tonight, so it'll be a day less of being grounded. Score!" Little does she know that her evil mother has already planned on giving her a make-up day of grounding! heh heh heh.
Love, Confusia
My Daily Schedule (A and B)
Dear Confusia,
Since you shared with me the misery that is your day, I thought I would share with you the misery that is my day also. It's so sad that my life hasn't panned out to be the rock and roll crash and burn cool fest I thought it would be.
4:48 Hit snooze button exactly three times thereby getting out of bed at precisely 5:15. (Yes, I am anal retentive.)
5:15-5:30 Do all those little things I have to do (like brush teeth and put on clothes) before I can leave the house
5:30 Get in car and drive to gym while listening to motivating music, usually the Pixies
5:45 Arrive at gym and put crap in locker
5:50-7:15 Work out
7:15-7:45 Shower and get ready for work. (Yes, I do this at the gym, despite my terrible OCD)
7:45 Get in car and drive to work while listening to NPR
7:55 Arrive at work, sit in car and collect thoughts, consider going home and going back to bed, walk into school
8:10 Morning duty; this is the time that I stand in the hallway, coffee cup and Luna Bar in hand, nodding at all the students as they come in
8:25 This is the official start of the school day; my advisory class comes in and asks me ridiculous questions like, "Can I call you mom?" and "Why don't you have any kids?"
9:00-10:30 A Days: Planning period (i.e. surf the net) B Days: Humanities Class (teach exciting things such as Shakespeare and art history)
10:35-12:05 A Days: Inclusion support in 6th grade social studies class...honk shoo B Days: Language Arts Learning Lab (i.e. surf the net)
12:10-2:15 A Days: First half of time spent doing Inclusion support in 7th grade math, lunch, then end period doing Inclusion support in 6th grade science B Day: Planning period (see above)
2:20-3:50 A Days: First half of time spent doing Inclusion support in 6th grade math; second half of class spent doing support in 7th grade social studies B Days: first half spent doing Inclusion support in 6th grade science; second half doing support in 7th grade Science
3:50 Thank the powers that be that I survived another one
There are the two days a week that I get to do Homework Help (aka Homework Hell) until 5:30 AND always the Monday afternoon faculty meeting that last until 6:30!
I'm a regular little rock star!
Since you shared with me the misery that is your day, I thought I would share with you the misery that is my day also. It's so sad that my life hasn't panned out to be the rock and roll crash and burn cool fest I thought it would be.
4:48 Hit snooze button exactly three times thereby getting out of bed at precisely 5:15. (Yes, I am anal retentive.)
5:15-5:30 Do all those little things I have to do (like brush teeth and put on clothes) before I can leave the house
5:30 Get in car and drive to gym while listening to motivating music, usually the Pixies
5:45 Arrive at gym and put crap in locker
5:50-7:15 Work out
7:15-7:45 Shower and get ready for work. (Yes, I do this at the gym, despite my terrible OCD)
7:45 Get in car and drive to work while listening to NPR
7:55 Arrive at work, sit in car and collect thoughts, consider going home and going back to bed, walk into school
8:10 Morning duty; this is the time that I stand in the hallway, coffee cup and Luna Bar in hand, nodding at all the students as they come in
8:25 This is the official start of the school day; my advisory class comes in and asks me ridiculous questions like, "Can I call you mom?" and "Why don't you have any kids?"
9:00-10:30 A Days: Planning period (i.e. surf the net) B Days: Humanities Class (teach exciting things such as Shakespeare and art history)
10:35-12:05 A Days: Inclusion support in 6th grade social studies class...honk shoo B Days: Language Arts Learning Lab (i.e. surf the net)
12:10-2:15 A Days: First half of time spent doing Inclusion support in 7th grade math, lunch, then end period doing Inclusion support in 6th grade science B Day: Planning period (see above)
2:20-3:50 A Days: First half of time spent doing Inclusion support in 6th grade math; second half of class spent doing support in 7th grade social studies B Days: first half spent doing Inclusion support in 6th grade science; second half doing support in 7th grade Science
3:50 Thank the powers that be that I survived another one
There are the two days a week that I get to do Homework Help (aka Homework Hell) until 5:30 AND always the Monday afternoon faculty meeting that last until 6:30!
I'm a regular little rock star!
Man, Terps, we're pretty lame. No wonder we have such fantastic fantasy lives!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Snatchdotcom
Please go view. Let me know what you think...
-Terps
For anyone out there who might read this blog, please check out our new "Personals" blog...www.snatchdotcom.blogspot.com
Please enjoy, and let us know what you think! - Confusia
Snatchdotcom...the dating site for "them."
Is it inappropriate for me to say I think it's brilliant?
-Terps
For anyone out there who might read this blog, please check out our new "Personals" blog...www.snatchdotcom.blogspot.com
Please enjoy, and let us know what you think! - Confusia
Snatchdotcom...the dating site for "them."
Is it inappropriate for me to say I think it's brilliant?
My daily schedule by Confusia
Dear Terps,
For your viewing pleasure, I bring you , "My Daily Schedule (with commentary)"
6:30 - 7:00 Press Snooze on the Alarm clock and pretend that I'm actually getting more sleep.
7:00 - 7:30 Wake the kids, make sure they get dressed. This means watching to make sure
Confusia Jr. does not get out the door to 6th grade wearing fishnet stockings on all
four of her limbs, and making sure son has not got pants on backwards.
7:30 - 8:00 Drop baby at babysitter, then listen to other two kids argue endlessly on the way
to their school. Slow to approx. five mph, and push kids out of the car as I near the
Elem. school. Celebrate.
8:00 - 8:15 Drive to work after going through a drive-thru for my daily Diet Coke.
8:15 - 8:30 Check e-mail, go to List of the Day and see what's posted.
8:30 - 9:15 Morning Duty. If weather is cold, have the kids sit in gym while the Before School
Program plays Kickball. Being the In-School Suspension Person, realize that I am
little more than a walking target, and try to avoid getting a kickball in the face. If
weather permits, watch kids outside on playground. The following situations
must be carefully prevented:
A. Juan y Jesus getting into a mucho grande rumble because Juan is wearing the
colors of the Varrio Centro Killers, y Jesus is representing for Sureno 13. I also
must prevent them bursting into song and dance a la West Side Story.
B. Maria slapping Selena in the face because 5 of Maria's cousins told her that
Selena called her a cabrona y a puta.
9:15 - 11:45 Be in classroom. Make kids be quiet and do their school work. Make sure they
have ZERO fun to pay society back for the grievous crimes they have
perpetrated against it. Play on computer.
11:45 - 12:15 Get out of the building and go eat lunch and read somewhere.
12:15 - 4:30 See 9:15 - 11:45
4:30 - 5:00 Think about driving to Vegas, end up driving home after all.
5:00 - 8:00 Work. Hard. Wonder how I got to be so lucky.
8:00 - 8:30 Get kids ready for bed. Get them in bed. Think about becoming a crack addict.
8:30 - 11:00 Listen to my husband ask for a b*** j** for the millionth time (that day).
Consider carefully. Read a book.
11:00 - 1:30 Sleep. So very good. My favorite time of day.
1:30 - 2:00 Up with baby. Try to convince her that she is not supposed to be nocturnal. Fail.
2:00 - 4:30 Sleep. Yes, please, Oh, YES! Oh, GOD! YES!
4:30 - 5:30 Up with baby. Pretend she's Adrien Brody so I can retain some level of feeling
for her.
5:30 - 6:30 Doze lightly with one eye open out of fear the alarm clock is going to go off before
I get any more sleep.
Life is beautiful. Love, Confusia.
For your viewing pleasure, I bring you , "My Daily Schedule (with commentary)"
6:30 - 7:00 Press Snooze on the Alarm clock and pretend that I'm actually getting more sleep.
7:00 - 7:30 Wake the kids, make sure they get dressed. This means watching to make sure
Confusia Jr. does not get out the door to 6th grade wearing fishnet stockings on all
four of her limbs, and making sure son has not got pants on backwards.
7:30 - 8:00 Drop baby at babysitter, then listen to other two kids argue endlessly on the way
to their school. Slow to approx. five mph, and push kids out of the car as I near the
Elem. school. Celebrate.
8:00 - 8:15 Drive to work after going through a drive-thru for my daily Diet Coke.
8:15 - 8:30 Check e-mail, go to List of the Day and see what's posted.
8:30 - 9:15 Morning Duty. If weather is cold, have the kids sit in gym while the Before School
Program plays Kickball. Being the In-School Suspension Person, realize that I am
little more than a walking target, and try to avoid getting a kickball in the face. If
weather permits, watch kids outside on playground. The following situations
must be carefully prevented:
A. Juan y Jesus getting into a mucho grande rumble because Juan is wearing the
colors of the Varrio Centro Killers, y Jesus is representing for Sureno 13. I also
must prevent them bursting into song and dance a la West Side Story.
B. Maria slapping Selena in the face because 5 of Maria's cousins told her that
Selena called her a cabrona y a puta.
9:15 - 11:45 Be in classroom. Make kids be quiet and do their school work. Make sure they
have ZERO fun to pay society back for the grievous crimes they have
perpetrated against it. Play on computer.
11:45 - 12:15 Get out of the building and go eat lunch and read somewhere.
12:15 - 4:30 See 9:15 - 11:45
4:30 - 5:00 Think about driving to Vegas, end up driving home after all.
5:00 - 8:00 Work. Hard. Wonder how I got to be so lucky.
8:00 - 8:30 Get kids ready for bed. Get them in bed. Think about becoming a crack addict.
8:30 - 11:00 Listen to my husband ask for a b*** j** for the millionth time (that day).
Consider carefully. Read a book.
11:00 - 1:30 Sleep. So very good. My favorite time of day.
1:30 - 2:00 Up with baby. Try to convince her that she is not supposed to be nocturnal. Fail.
2:00 - 4:30 Sleep. Yes, please, Oh, YES! Oh, GOD! YES!
4:30 - 5:30 Up with baby. Pretend she's Adrien Brody so I can retain some level of feeling
for her.
5:30 - 6:30 Doze lightly with one eye open out of fear the alarm clock is going to go off before
I get any more sleep.
Life is beautiful. Love, Confusia.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
YOUR MOM!
So, you know how people go to Chinese restaurants and always add "in bed" to the end of the fortune cookie saying? Well, I've noticed among the crew here in A-Town, we've been restating what someone says by adding "Your mom" to the front of the statement. For example, "I left the clothes on the clothesline and now they're all wet and gross." "Your mom's all wet and gross!" You get the idea, yes? Well today I've been giving 6-weeks tests to kids so I've had a lot of free-time (Your mom has a lot of free-time), and I've been mentally adding "Your mom" to things I've heard. Here are some of my favorites (and trust me, they get a lot funnier if you start adding "Your mom" to everything you hear):
Miss, I don't know how to do problem number two.
Your mom doesn't know how to do number two.
I think I lost it in the car. (Referring to an assignment.)
Your mom lost it in the car. (Referring to whatever you might want it to refer to.)
I hope they're serving tacos in the cafeteria today. I love tacos.
Tu madre loves tacos.
Ok, so after doing that all day, now I find myself putting "Your mom" in front of totally benign phrases and getting a chuckle from it.
I'm sleepy.
Your mom's sleepy.
Do you have a pen I can use?
Your mom has a pen you can use.
Anyway, I want you to give it a whirl and let me know if you come up with any gems. It works particularly well in faculty meetings I have found. (i.e. I thought to myself, "Look at that freak with all those earrings.," becomes "Your mom is a freak with lots of earrings." OR "Her mom called and asked me to give her a job," becomes "Your mom called and asked"....oh wait...bad example.)
You know, when I first saw the topic of this post, I thought it was literally going to be about my mom. I seriously thought my mom must have called you to talk about me with you because let's face it, it's happened before. Yesterday afternoon, I got a panicked call from my mom who'd gone to pick up Confusia Jr. for dance lessons only to discover that Jr. wasn't at the house like she was supposed to be. So, I'm going everywhere looking for my dear, little girl while my mom is rattling off in my ear on the cell phone about how she's suspected for quite some time now that Jr. is troubled, and distant, and not herself lately, and must have found some boy and is doing"you know what" blah, blah, blah. Of course, I find Jr. walking along a residential street with a friend, and they've been at another friend's house, and she is grounded now...but not quite so bleak a situation as my mom was painting, right? So I figured my mom must have called you to talk to you about Confusia Jr. and if you can please talk to me about it and get me to see that something's going on, and blah, blah, blah...GEEZ! Don't scare me like that! Because you know that's something my mom would do, right? Just before she steals my car! ha ha
Miss, I don't know how to do problem number two.
Your mom doesn't know how to do number two.
I think I lost it in the car. (Referring to an assignment.)
Your mom lost it in the car. (Referring to whatever you might want it to refer to.)
I hope they're serving tacos in the cafeteria today. I love tacos.
Tu madre loves tacos.
Ok, so after doing that all day, now I find myself putting "Your mom" in front of totally benign phrases and getting a chuckle from it.
I'm sleepy.
Your mom's sleepy.
Do you have a pen I can use?
Your mom has a pen you can use.
Anyway, I want you to give it a whirl and let me know if you come up with any gems. It works particularly well in faculty meetings I have found. (i.e. I thought to myself, "Look at that freak with all those earrings.," becomes "Your mom is a freak with lots of earrings." OR "Her mom called and asked me to give her a job," becomes "Your mom called and asked"....oh wait...bad example.)
You know, when I first saw the topic of this post, I thought it was literally going to be about my mom. I seriously thought my mom must have called you to talk about me with you because let's face it, it's happened before. Yesterday afternoon, I got a panicked call from my mom who'd gone to pick up Confusia Jr. for dance lessons only to discover that Jr. wasn't at the house like she was supposed to be. So, I'm going everywhere looking for my dear, little girl while my mom is rattling off in my ear on the cell phone about how she's suspected for quite some time now that Jr. is troubled, and distant, and not herself lately, and must have found some boy and is doing"you know what" blah, blah, blah. Of course, I find Jr. walking along a residential street with a friend, and they've been at another friend's house, and she is grounded now...but not quite so bleak a situation as my mom was painting, right? So I figured my mom must have called you to talk to you about Confusia Jr. and if you can please talk to me about it and get me to see that something's going on, and blah, blah, blah...GEEZ! Don't scare me like that! Because you know that's something my mom would do, right? Just before she steals my car! ha ha
Why Did God Invent Children? (To give us something to laugh at?)
I just went to pick up my charming little In-House Suspension kids from lunch. I walked in while the Principal was giving the entire A lunch a rousing lecture. He said, "From now on, you may only wear white undershirts. No more colors. AT ALL. White only. No exceptions. No logos, no colors. White." He then asked if anyone had any questions about that. A girl raised her hand. He said, "Yes?"
She said, "Can we wear black ones?" So, can they?
"Garcon? A round of Jagermeister for me and my friends, please." - Confusia
She said, "Can we wear black ones?" So, can they?
"Garcon? A round of Jagermeister for me and my friends, please." - Confusia
Professional Development for Dummies
Confusia responds in Obnoxious (and bold ) Orange
Sorry I wasn't in touch yesterday, but we had professional development, and therefore, I didn't have near the amount of time that I usually do to jabberjaw (via online typing) with you. Jabberjaw. That's a fun word. Say it out loud a few times. I guarantee it'll make you smile.
So speaking of yesterday, I must tell you about what my OCD (RIP, Rainman) caused me to do. There is, however, some build up to it in order for you to get the full story. Two weeks ago today, I started a new leg workout at the gym. My leg workout is called "Racing the kids up to the cookie jar for the last cookie."Well, by about 10 that morning, I had developed bruises on my shoulders from where the pressure from the bar had been too much for me. As luck would have it, Atlas just happened to send me a "So, how have you been" text that morning. Well being as he is a little into working out (Loved the 'roids poster from yesterday btw) and fancies himself a doctor, I thought I'd ask him how he thought I might prevent future bruising. (And yes, I'm aware that not using that particular machine would be the best bet, but that workout was OH SO GOOD!) In the words of our dear, little student, "You ain't right."
Anyway, Atlas informs me that he thinks I might bruise too easily Remember when you bruised your hand by clapping too hard? Meanwhile, I have to cut off my own head to get a bruise. and asked if I'd ever had my platelet count checked. Of course I haven't had my platelet count checked, so I immediately decide (thanks for the OCD, God) that I have low platelet count and start researching on the Web ALL the signs, symptoms, and causes of low platelet counts.This is why we're friends. I went to bed last night, and was disturbed by the sound of the gale force winds blowing outside. I immediately began to plan for a full-scale evacuation in the event of a Level 5 Tornado. I was only able to fall asleep after deciding that I would put a chain in the crawl space so that I could chain the children to the cement blocks in order to anchor them to the ground while the house got sucked up into the funnel cloud. If there had been a tornado last night, we all would have been screwed simply because there was not yet a chain in place. Last night, the plan would have been for me to stick all the kids underneath me, while I held firmly to the concrete blocks. Why am I this neurotic? I take medicine for this shit. So immediately I find that I have EVERY possible symptom of low platelet count, now I must determine why my platelet count is low (this is a random thought...maybe I should start a band called Counting Platelets???) Anyway, some possible reasons for low counts include: leukemia, vitamin B12 deficiency, and HIV (among other things I'm sure.) Anyway, so of course I immediately decide that I have HIV. I have, at various times, diagnosed myself with cancer, pleurisy, blood clots, HIV, AND leprosy. Not to mention the infamous Ass Polyps. Confusia and the Ass Polyps will be the name of my new band.By the end of that day, I'm worked up into such a state of hysteria that I am trying to find an HIV support group and group home I can move into. I'm looking into HMO privacy laws to determine whether or not I'll be fired for having HIV, etc. (You get the picture, and if you don't, imagine me thinking I'm pregnant but on steroids...) But then I find myself in this weird predicament: unlike the pregnancy fears that make me take pregnancy tests on a bi-weekly basis [even during times of celibacy], I'm afriad to take an HIV test because I honestly don't know what I'll do if it turns out positive. So, for two weeks I haven't been able to sleep well, I've spent hours researching HIV and low platelet counts, etc. I have been a wreck. So, finally, yesterday I went to the local Planned Parenthood and just had the WHOLE battery of STD screenings done. You naughty little tramp, you. ha ha I even paid the extra $15 to get the Rapid HIV Screening done so that I could know before I left the clinic. Meanwhile, as I'm waiting for the HIV test results, I decided that if I didn't have HIV I would donate an additional $100 to Planned Parenthood for making me the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. So, thankfully, I walked out with $100 less dollars in my pocket, but damn if I've ever been happier. So there you have my eventful Monday. Now, this is just an idea, but maybe you should check out the less dramatic, but more realistic probability that you are Vitamin B12 deficient. May I recommend a large, healthy dose of spinach for fixing this problem? Funny you should mention that, I actually did toy around with the Vitamin B12 thing and this is what I found out: The only reliable unfortified sources of vitamin B12 are meat, dairy products and eggs. So being a vegan, of course this is my problem. However, a Vitamin B12 deficiency wasn't going to cause me to lose sleep. Therefore, it was easily dismissed. However, your spinach suggestion won't work. B12 only comes naturally from animal products. I guess I need to figure out how to deal with that. However, I am reminded now of something I saw in Yahoo! 60 Minutes Report.
Turns out that some people (sociologist I would guess) did a study to find the happiest people in the world. Turns out that those people are the fine residents of Denmark. Anyway, they were interviewing these Danes. When asked, "Are Danes the happiest people on Earth?" one of the guys answered, "We might not be the happiest people on Earth, but we are the most content." So the interviewer asked him to elaborate on that and basically what the guy said was that the Danish people always expect the worst, that way if they fail or if something awful happens to them, it isn't shocking. You know, I do this, too, but with me, instead of causing contentedness, it causes anxiety disorder. What's up with that?? On the other side of that, if something great happens they weren't expecting it and so they are extremely happy about it. Perhaps this is where I differ from the Danes. I just think, "Oh my God, how long will this last? Will this last? What if it doesn't last? What should I do when the crazy gunman bursts in here and takes all this greatness away?? Dear Lord, I think I found my people! That's pretty much how I felt about my HIV test yesterday. I was expecting the worst possible results and when I didn't get them, I was elated. I was giddy with glee!
So, that's all I have for you. Actually, that's not true. I was thinking today, when I was reading your last post, that I think that even the font on our posts says something about our personalities. You always seem to type in bold and tend to throw in lots of colors. I, on the other hand, tend to use regular type and one color. I'm not saying you're loud and abbrasive or anything, but... I do think this is an interesting little tidbit. I'm such a weirdo about words. More neurotic tendencies perhaps. When I feel like highlighting a word, I think, "Does this word seem more like a blue word or a red word? Is it a pink word?" The bold isn't so much because I'm loud and abrasive, as it is because I'm nearsighted as a damn bat, and I can read the bold print better. ha ha Bifocals, anyone??
:)
-Terps
Oh and, I was looking at the Busted Tees site and saw a shirt that made me think of you.
I imagine this will be how I do end up. Strangely, I can also imagine it being while traveling the country in a covered wagon. -Confusia
Sorry I wasn't in touch yesterday, but we had professional development, and therefore, I didn't have near the amount of time that I usually do to jabberjaw (via online typing) with you. Jabberjaw. That's a fun word. Say it out loud a few times. I guarantee it'll make you smile.
So speaking of yesterday, I must tell you about what my OCD (RIP, Rainman) caused me to do. There is, however, some build up to it in order for you to get the full story. Two weeks ago today, I started a new leg workout at the gym. My leg workout is called "Racing the kids up to the cookie jar for the last cookie."Well, by about 10 that morning, I had developed bruises on my shoulders from where the pressure from the bar had been too much for me. As luck would have it, Atlas just happened to send me a "So, how have you been" text that morning. Well being as he is a little into working out (Loved the 'roids poster from yesterday btw) and fancies himself a doctor, I thought I'd ask him how he thought I might prevent future bruising. (And yes, I'm aware that not using that particular machine would be the best bet, but that workout was OH SO GOOD!) In the words of our dear, little student, "You ain't right."
Anyway, Atlas informs me that he thinks I might bruise too easily Remember when you bruised your hand by clapping too hard? Meanwhile, I have to cut off my own head to get a bruise. and asked if I'd ever had my platelet count checked. Of course I haven't had my platelet count checked, so I immediately decide (thanks for the OCD, God) that I have low platelet count and start researching on the Web ALL the signs, symptoms, and causes of low platelet counts.This is why we're friends. I went to bed last night, and was disturbed by the sound of the gale force winds blowing outside. I immediately began to plan for a full-scale evacuation in the event of a Level 5 Tornado. I was only able to fall asleep after deciding that I would put a chain in the crawl space so that I could chain the children to the cement blocks in order to anchor them to the ground while the house got sucked up into the funnel cloud. If there had been a tornado last night, we all would have been screwed simply because there was not yet a chain in place. Last night, the plan would have been for me to stick all the kids underneath me, while I held firmly to the concrete blocks. Why am I this neurotic? I take medicine for this shit. So immediately I find that I have EVERY possible symptom of low platelet count, now I must determine why my platelet count is low (this is a random thought...maybe I should start a band called Counting Platelets???) Anyway, some possible reasons for low counts include: leukemia, vitamin B12 deficiency, and HIV (among other things I'm sure.) Anyway, so of course I immediately decide that I have HIV. I have, at various times, diagnosed myself with cancer, pleurisy, blood clots, HIV, AND leprosy. Not to mention the infamous Ass Polyps. Confusia and the Ass Polyps will be the name of my new band.By the end of that day, I'm worked up into such a state of hysteria that I am trying to find an HIV support group and group home I can move into. I'm looking into HMO privacy laws to determine whether or not I'll be fired for having HIV, etc. (You get the picture, and if you don't, imagine me thinking I'm pregnant but on steroids...) But then I find myself in this weird predicament: unlike the pregnancy fears that make me take pregnancy tests on a bi-weekly basis [even during times of celibacy], I'm afriad to take an HIV test because I honestly don't know what I'll do if it turns out positive. So, for two weeks I haven't been able to sleep well, I've spent hours researching HIV and low platelet counts, etc. I have been a wreck. So, finally, yesterday I went to the local Planned Parenthood and just had the WHOLE battery of STD screenings done. You naughty little tramp, you. ha ha I even paid the extra $15 to get the Rapid HIV Screening done so that I could know before I left the clinic. Meanwhile, as I'm waiting for the HIV test results, I decided that if I didn't have HIV I would donate an additional $100 to Planned Parenthood for making me the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. So, thankfully, I walked out with $100 less dollars in my pocket, but damn if I've ever been happier. So there you have my eventful Monday. Now, this is just an idea, but maybe you should check out the less dramatic, but more realistic probability that you are Vitamin B12 deficient. May I recommend a large, healthy dose of spinach for fixing this problem? Funny you should mention that, I actually did toy around with the Vitamin B12 thing and this is what I found out: The only reliable unfortified sources of vitamin B12 are meat, dairy products and eggs. So being a vegan, of course this is my problem. However, a Vitamin B12 deficiency wasn't going to cause me to lose sleep. Therefore, it was easily dismissed. However, your spinach suggestion won't work. B12 only comes naturally from animal products. I guess I need to figure out how to deal with that. However, I am reminded now of something I saw in Yahoo! 60 Minutes Report.
Turns out that some people (sociologist I would guess) did a study to find the happiest people in the world. Turns out that those people are the fine residents of Denmark. Anyway, they were interviewing these Danes. When asked, "Are Danes the happiest people on Earth?" one of the guys answered, "We might not be the happiest people on Earth, but we are the most content." So the interviewer asked him to elaborate on that and basically what the guy said was that the Danish people always expect the worst, that way if they fail or if something awful happens to them, it isn't shocking. You know, I do this, too, but with me, instead of causing contentedness, it causes anxiety disorder. What's up with that?? On the other side of that, if something great happens they weren't expecting it and so they are extremely happy about it. Perhaps this is where I differ from the Danes. I just think, "Oh my God, how long will this last? Will this last? What if it doesn't last? What should I do when the crazy gunman bursts in here and takes all this greatness away?? Dear Lord, I think I found my people! That's pretty much how I felt about my HIV test yesterday. I was expecting the worst possible results and when I didn't get them, I was elated. I was giddy with glee!
So, that's all I have for you. Actually, that's not true. I was thinking today, when I was reading your last post, that I think that even the font on our posts says something about our personalities. You always seem to type in bold and tend to throw in lots of colors. I, on the other hand, tend to use regular type and one color. I'm not saying you're loud and abbrasive or anything, but... I do think this is an interesting little tidbit. I'm such a weirdo about words. More neurotic tendencies perhaps. When I feel like highlighting a word, I think, "Does this word seem more like a blue word or a red word? Is it a pink word?" The bold isn't so much because I'm loud and abrasive, as it is because I'm nearsighted as a damn bat, and I can read the bold print better. ha ha Bifocals, anyone??
:)
-Terps
Oh and, I was looking at the Busted Tees site and saw a shirt that made me think of you.
I imagine this will be how I do end up. Strangely, I can also imagine it being while traveling the country in a covered wagon. -ConfusiaMonday, February 25, 2008
Ode to RainMan
Dear Terps,
Do you have any idea why my life is the way it is? I've been pondering this. I'm sure it's my fault/responsibility, but why can't all my mistakes be consequence free? Is that so much to ask?
I spent the weekend mainly by myslef. (I love it when I have a typo on this word...MYSLEF. It's such a great word. I also love a typo on the word student...= STUDNET.) Just the baby and me. Mr. Confusia packed his bag Saturday and left for the fishing hole. I wasn't sure if he was going to come back or not, but he did. He brought with him two small largemouth Bass. I think I'm the only person anywhere who has a 46 gallon aquarium in the living room full of minnows, and two Bass. Some people prefer goldfish or tetras. I've got a mini lake. What the ? The minnows are not happy about the Bass additions. They were already schooling, but now they're completely obsessive about it. Who could blame them? One of the bass sucked up a minnow faster than the speed of light last night. The other minnows were looking at each other, going, "Holy Shit! Did you see that? Did you see what that thing did to Dave??" I think one of them had a heart attack last night because when I woke up this morning, one of them was belly up. Meanwhile, the bass are trying to jump out of the aquarium. They're only about 6 or seven inches long, and it's a big aquarium, but their whole world is messed up. One of them, apart from sucking up minnows, looks out of the aquarium at my bookshelf. I'm afraid when I get home, he'll be sitting on the couch with a pair of glasses on, reading Harry Potter. Then again, he also looked very interested in Lord of the Rings, so we'll see which one he decides to go with. All in all, it makes me glad that the goldfish died before becoming bass food. Our biggest goldfish, Rainman, died just last week. We called him Rainman due to his OCD habit of swimming up one corner, down the other, then zooming to the other side of the tank, and back again. He did this endlessly. Mr. Confusia would say, "There are definitely, def...definitely four corners." RIP Rainman.
I also did a crap load of housecleaning this week. Nothing says "Awesome Weekend." like 8 loads of laundry, and mopping the kitchen floor. I did get a new pair of jeans that fit so well. That's exciting. I also started re-reading The World According to Garp. Excellent novel. The characters in that book are outstanding.
I've got a kid-free day today. Thank you. I'm so happy. I'm also happy because I had angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce with grilled spinach and mushrooms yesterday. So very, very good. I'm going to start a new blog all about my unnatural love for spinach. I shall call it, "Et tu, Popeye?" The End. Love, Confusia
Do you have any idea why my life is the way it is? I've been pondering this. I'm sure it's my fault/responsibility, but why can't all my mistakes be consequence free? Is that so much to ask?
I spent the weekend mainly by myslef. (I love it when I have a typo on this word...MYSLEF. It's such a great word. I also love a typo on the word student...= STUDNET.) Just the baby and me. Mr. Confusia packed his bag Saturday and left for the fishing hole. I wasn't sure if he was going to come back or not, but he did. He brought with him two small largemouth Bass. I think I'm the only person anywhere who has a 46 gallon aquarium in the living room full of minnows, and two Bass. Some people prefer goldfish or tetras. I've got a mini lake. What the ? The minnows are not happy about the Bass additions. They were already schooling, but now they're completely obsessive about it. Who could blame them? One of the bass sucked up a minnow faster than the speed of light last night. The other minnows were looking at each other, going, "Holy Shit! Did you see that? Did you see what that thing did to Dave??" I think one of them had a heart attack last night because when I woke up this morning, one of them was belly up. Meanwhile, the bass are trying to jump out of the aquarium. They're only about 6 or seven inches long, and it's a big aquarium, but their whole world is messed up. One of them, apart from sucking up minnows, looks out of the aquarium at my bookshelf. I'm afraid when I get home, he'll be sitting on the couch with a pair of glasses on, reading Harry Potter. Then again, he also looked very interested in Lord of the Rings, so we'll see which one he decides to go with. All in all, it makes me glad that the goldfish died before becoming bass food. Our biggest goldfish, Rainman, died just last week. We called him Rainman due to his OCD habit of swimming up one corner, down the other, then zooming to the other side of the tank, and back again. He did this endlessly. Mr. Confusia would say, "There are definitely, def...definitely four corners." RIP Rainman.
I also did a crap load of housecleaning this week. Nothing says "Awesome Weekend." like 8 loads of laundry, and mopping the kitchen floor. I did get a new pair of jeans that fit so well. That's exciting. I also started re-reading The World According to Garp. Excellent novel. The characters in that book are outstanding.
I've got a kid-free day today. Thank you. I'm so happy. I'm also happy because I had angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce with grilled spinach and mushrooms yesterday. So very, very good. I'm going to start a new blog all about my unnatural love for spinach. I shall call it, "Et tu, Popeye?" The End. Love, Confusia
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Why My Day Sucks...by Confusia
Hey Terps,
I wanted to ask you if your day was as crappy as my day. Do you remember one day last year when I gave you the run-down on the kids I had in In-House that day? Well, it's that time again. Here's what I'm lookin' at:
1. Student shaved portion of his eyebrow to show gang affiliation. I've got this kid for three days.
2. Student had gang signs written on her binder.
3. Student is an annoying little f******, and is in here, I'm pretty sure, on general principle.
4. A rag-tag assortment of other kids...dress code violators, gum chewers, detention skippers...all of them OFFENDERS! ha ha
These kids are having to sharpen their pencils every five seconds, I swear! Which is really stupid considering they sure as Hell don't seem to be using them!
I spoke with them a bit about gangs, etc. but what it all ended up boiling down to is this...It's The Man's fault.
Aren't you glad I found that out?
Our blog...contributing to the end of racial hostilities. I'm very proud.
Confusia,
I suggest investing in numbers 6 and 9 from the list below.
Terps
I wanted to ask you if your day was as crappy as my day. Do you remember one day last year when I gave you the run-down on the kids I had in In-House that day? Well, it's that time again. Here's what I'm lookin' at:
1. Student shaved portion of his eyebrow to show gang affiliation. I've got this kid for three days.
2. Student had gang signs written on her binder.
3. Student is an annoying little f******, and is in here, I'm pretty sure, on general principle.
4. A rag-tag assortment of other kids...dress code violators, gum chewers, detention skippers...all of them OFFENDERS! ha ha
These kids are having to sharpen their pencils every five seconds, I swear! Which is really stupid considering they sure as Hell don't seem to be using them!
I spoke with them a bit about gangs, etc. but what it all ended up boiling down to is this...It's The Man's fault.
Aren't you glad I found that out?
Our blog...contributing to the end of racial hostilities. I'm very proud.
Confusia,
I suggest investing in numbers 6 and 9 from the list below.
Terps
Things That Make Us Happy.
Dear Terps,
I wanted to take a moment to celebrate the finer things in life this morning. Like we're doing with the "Things We Want to See Before We Die", I wanted to do a "Things That Make Us Happy." Post. This is in honor of my new stapler. I shall begin.
1. Pizza
2. Puppy Breath
3. Great finds like this on List of the Day.
4. Cheese
5. Harry Potter
6. Captain Morgan
7. Exotic Swimming Pools
8. Pizza
9. Tito's and tonic with a lemon NOT a lime
10. Avocado
11. Counting Crows songs (which often make me happy in a sad kind of way...)
12. Saturdays and Sundays
13. Finding creative ways to drop the F-Bomb!
Monday, February 18, 2008
When Confusia Met Terpsichore...Continued
Part Two: Birth of the Beastlie Girls
One day, while driving around somewhere after we got off work, Terps and I were throwing down some free-style rhymes. I have no idea why. We're just easily entertained. These were really, really bad rhymes, but we were laughing hysterically anyway. We started joking about having our own rap group. Little did I know what it would become.
Terps and her roommate were heading off to New Orleans that weekend while I was having to stay at home due to lack of funds. The next Monday at work, Terps informed me that we had formed a group. We were the Beastlie Girls. She was going to be Big D (in honor of Mike D) Her roommate would be PsycHo Ray (like MCA), and I would be the Queen Sex Rock,(in honor of King Ad Rock) Lucky me.
We began our careers as rap superstars which we continue to be to this day.
It's hard work, being rap goddesses. See, what we do is, we take BEastie Boys songs, we figure out who does what part, and then we rewrite them. Some people might use the word, "Steal." Through the years, we've come up with some great songs, though. Here's a partial list:
Alive........becomes..............Supersize
Sure Shot........becomes............Tator Tot
Body Movin'.........................Naughty Groovin'
These lines from "Tator Tot" are some of my favorite:
Well, I got a growl in my tummy, and just one thing can fix it.
Take some cheese and ketchup, it's okay if ya mix it.
I just wanna taste, taste, taste, taste, taste.
No time to step back, no feedin' time to waste.
From "Naughty Groovin'"
The sound of our music puttin' you in pain,
Can't explain a thing, except we're insane.
And like a bottle of Natural Light, that crap,
That spews from your lips when we start to rap.
We need Body rockin, not rejection.
We got lots of action in our back sections.
See what I mean? Genius.
So anyway, we put together a website, and we even performed on Toulane University's radio station. The DJ was in love with Terpsichore, and so we pimped her out to get that spot. Way to take one for the team, Terps!
Anyway, our Beastlie Girl exploits have become the stuff of legend. We're not sure why. All we know is that whenever we do this act at any karaoke place anywhere, it brings the house down. It could be my instinctive understanding of the hip-hop genre, and outstanding talent for riding a flow, or it could be what one Beastlie Girls audience member calls Terpsichore's "hot stripper moves". I don't know.
The BEastlie Girls Project took us through the New Orleans years, and these were wild years! Terps and I really bonded through this time because we worked alot together rewriting Beastie Boys songs. I think this is when we began to realize that we are two sides of the creative coin. In the words of Mike D, "We got a million ideas that we ain't even rocked yet!" I'm not saying that these are good ideas, or that the world shouldn't be really afraid. I'm just saying we've got alot of them.
One day, while driving around somewhere after we got off work, Terps and I were throwing down some free-style rhymes. I have no idea why. We're just easily entertained. These were really, really bad rhymes, but we were laughing hysterically anyway. We started joking about having our own rap group. Little did I know what it would become.
Terps and her roommate were heading off to New Orleans that weekend while I was having to stay at home due to lack of funds. The next Monday at work, Terps informed me that we had formed a group. We were the Beastlie Girls. She was going to be Big D (in honor of Mike D) Her roommate would be PsycHo Ray (like MCA), and I would be the Queen Sex Rock,(in honor of King Ad Rock) Lucky me.
We began our careers as rap superstars which we continue to be to this day.
It's hard work, being rap goddesses. See, what we do is, we take BEastie Boys songs, we figure out who does what part, and then we rewrite them. Some people might use the word, "Steal." Through the years, we've come up with some great songs, though. Here's a partial list:
Alive........becomes..............Supersize
Sure Shot........becomes............Tator Tot
Body Movin'.........................Naughty Groovin'
These lines from "Tator Tot" are some of my favorite:
Well, I got a growl in my tummy, and just one thing can fix it.
Take some cheese and ketchup, it's okay if ya mix it.
I just wanna taste, taste, taste, taste, taste.
No time to step back, no feedin' time to waste.
From "Naughty Groovin'"
The sound of our music puttin' you in pain,
Can't explain a thing, except we're insane.
And like a bottle of Natural Light, that crap,
That spews from your lips when we start to rap.
We need Body rockin, not rejection.
We got lots of action in our back sections.
See what I mean? Genius.
So anyway, we put together a website, and we even performed on Toulane University's radio station. The DJ was in love with Terpsichore, and so we pimped her out to get that spot. Way to take one for the team, Terps!
Anyway, our Beastlie Girl exploits have become the stuff of legend. We're not sure why. All we know is that whenever we do this act at any karaoke place anywhere, it brings the house down. It could be my instinctive understanding of the hip-hop genre, and outstanding talent for riding a flow, or it could be what one Beastlie Girls audience member calls Terpsichore's "hot stripper moves". I don't know.
The BEastlie Girls Project took us through the New Orleans years, and these were wild years! Terps and I really bonded through this time because we worked alot together rewriting Beastie Boys songs. I think this is when we began to realize that we are two sides of the creative coin. In the words of Mike D, "We got a million ideas that we ain't even rocked yet!" I'm not saying that these are good ideas, or that the world shouldn't be really afraid. I'm just saying we've got alot of them.
Friday, February 15, 2008
When Terpsichore Met Confusia
How Terpsichore Came Into My Life by Confusia (With additional commentary by Terpsichore) More in Pink by Confusia
Back in August of '99, I accepted, against my better judgement, the position of Teacher's Assistant in what was referred to as an R-3 Classroom. R-3 meant "Emotionally Disturbed". I was told the kids would be between the ages of 5 and 10 basically, but I would be assisting the teacher working with the younger students. The teacher invited me over to her house one day to have a meeting with her and the woman they'd just hired to teach (you of course use the word "teach" very loosely...) the older ED kids. That's where I beheld Terps for the first time. We were the "new ones" (read "idiots"). I was the assistant in one room, she was the teacher in the room next door. God, we were so innocent (read "stupid").
As a side note, my first impressions of Terps were the following:
1. Smoker (But I'm not a smoker???)
2. A Little Reserved (That's what they say at karaoke...) Not.
3. Not "normal" for a teacher. By that, I mean you weren't wearing a sweater with apples and chalkboards on it.
At the first faculty meeting of the year, the Principal (Bitch) introduced both of us to the faculty. Here's how that went...(alright, I'm going to exaggerate just a little but not nearly enough, sadly.)
"I got a letter from Ms. Confusia's mother, who I used to work with, and she asked me if I had any openings because she had a daughter who was an out-of-work bum, or well, a waitress. She begged and pleaded with me to hire her loser kid, and so I took pity on her. Everybody welcome Ms. Confusia." That was a bit uncomfortable.
"Our other new teacher this year is Ms. Terpsichore. When I first saw her with all those earrings, I thought to myself, 'My God, what a FREAK!', but she did have good references, and God knew I wasn't going to be able to find anyone else to take this shit job, so here she is." I remember it being far more negative than that. It was more like, "Fellow educators, try not to gasp audibly when we unveil her. Her hearing is quite good, and she can be very sensitive," Mrs. Bitch said as the cut the ropes which held the shroud around the cage. "I am not an animal," I said in defense.
When the school year began, we both quickly realized what we were up against. Our first rude awakening occured at "Crisis Prevention and Intervention" training. This is a two day long affaire where they teach you everything from how to talk a kid down from a crisis, to taking him down...as in, on the floor. We learned how to "defend" ourselves against chokeholds, kicks, punches, slaps, and the Whirling Star of Death Ninja Attack. Nothing brings you closer to someone than putting each other in physical restraints, you know what I mean? (And some of us are just too elusive, eh? Hey, btw, do you know what I remember most about that class? I remember when you had to act like a little child stabbing yourself with a pair of scissors. Had I known what we'd be up against in the coming months, I would have let you do it.)
We were prepared...we thought.
Ah, the cast of characters that were the students we enjoyed that year. Here's a quick rundown of the more memorable ones:
Student A: Future Jeffrey Dahmer. We took an unidentifiable bone off of him one day. He yelled, "THAT'S PART OF MY COLLECTION!!!"
Student B: The most astute judge of character you've ever met. If this kid looked at anyone and said, "He/She ain't right." You could put money on it. Sometimes, we would be particularly frustrated with one of the other kids, and this kid would say the things we wanted to say, but couldn't. He'd get a soft pat on the back and a "Now, _______, that's not very nice." I loved that kid.
Famous Quotes: "HEY! HE left his PEE RAG in here! YOU'RE A STUPID PEE BOY WITH YOUR PEE RAG!"
"I don't like that Frizzy haired lady!"
Student C: This kid put three of the four of us in the Emergency Room that year. I think he got suspended for one day.
STudent D: This kid would lie on the floor and scream all day. It sounded like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park, I kid you not. This kid sucked, and I still don't like him eight years later.
Of course, we had several other assorted kids...runners, poop throwers, that girl from the Exorcist... (My therapist says I'm not allowed to talk about them anymore.)
Every day, we suffered various injuries as we had kids pretty much just beating the shit out of us. We learned that Crisis Prevention was basically a load of crap. It was Open Season in there, and we were the prey. We had kids spit in our faces, headbutt us, kick us, bite us, drag us down hallways, punch us...Even better were the creative names we were called. We determined about midway through the year that the kids had preferred names for us. I was "Motherfucker." Terps was "C***sucker." How did they know? ha ha(I know this comment will be met with severe retribution. I still couldn't resist.) That you fuck your mom? I always wondered how they knew that too...
Very early in the year we took a trip with Terpsichore's roommate to New Orleans. I'd mentioned to Terps that I'd always wanted to go, so we arranged a weekend trip for my 27th birthday. Funnily enough, my birthday (September 25th, cash is fine.) fell during Gay Pride Week so there were even more sights to see than usual.
My first day there we caught the Gay Pride parade that came by our lodgings on Rue St. Anne. Terps was a real hit with the "Dykes on Bikes" Their name for themselves, BTW. Not our name for them.(Wow. I can't believe you brought that up here...)krewe. My "special friends" would meet up with me later that evening.
I'll let Terpsichore carry on a bit from here.
To be honest, Confusia, I don't know if it's because we went there so many times, or that I would later move there, or if I just drank too much, but I don't really remember what happened that weekend. Was that the Charity Event? All I do remember was the birth of the Beastlie Girls on the way home that weekend. The birth of the Beastlie Girls happened later that year on a trip you and your roommate took without me. For full story, go to Yahoo Geocities and search for Beastlie Girls. It will bring up the Beastlie Girls website (which desperately needs to be updated.) Wait....really? I thought we were listening to Liscense to Ill and had the brainchild right there, in my RAV4.
And why did you think I was a smoker? Everyone I hung out with at the time smoked. I figured we'd get along, therefore, you must be a smoker. I was half-right, at the time, you did sometimes have a menthol when you drank. Confusia, do we need to work on fractions again. The fact that I sometimes had a menthol when I drank doesn't make you half-right... What are you, some kind of teacher??
Back in August of '99, I accepted, against my better judgement, the position of Teacher's Assistant in what was referred to as an R-3 Classroom. R-3 meant "Emotionally Disturbed". I was told the kids would be between the ages of 5 and 10 basically, but I would be assisting the teacher working with the younger students. The teacher invited me over to her house one day to have a meeting with her and the woman they'd just hired to teach (you of course use the word "teach" very loosely...) the older ED kids. That's where I beheld Terps for the first time. We were the "new ones" (read "idiots"). I was the assistant in one room, she was the teacher in the room next door. God, we were so innocent (read "stupid").
As a side note, my first impressions of Terps were the following:
1. Smoker (But I'm not a smoker???)
2. A Little Reserved (That's what they say at karaoke...) Not.
3. Not "normal" for a teacher. By that, I mean you weren't wearing a sweater with apples and chalkboards on it.
At the first faculty meeting of the year, the Principal (Bitch) introduced both of us to the faculty. Here's how that went...(alright, I'm going to exaggerate just a little but not nearly enough, sadly.)
"I got a letter from Ms. Confusia's mother, who I used to work with, and she asked me if I had any openings because she had a daughter who was an out-of-work bum, or well, a waitress. She begged and pleaded with me to hire her loser kid, and so I took pity on her. Everybody welcome Ms. Confusia." That was a bit uncomfortable.
"Our other new teacher this year is Ms. Terpsichore. When I first saw her with all those earrings, I thought to myself, 'My God, what a FREAK!', but she did have good references, and God knew I wasn't going to be able to find anyone else to take this shit job, so here she is." I remember it being far more negative than that. It was more like, "Fellow educators, try not to gasp audibly when we unveil her. Her hearing is quite good, and she can be very sensitive," Mrs. Bitch said as the cut the ropes which held the shroud around the cage. "I am not an animal," I said in defense.
When the school year began, we both quickly realized what we were up against. Our first rude awakening occured at "Crisis Prevention and Intervention" training. This is a two day long affaire where they teach you everything from how to talk a kid down from a crisis, to taking him down...as in, on the floor. We learned how to "defend" ourselves against chokeholds, kicks, punches, slaps, and the Whirling Star of Death Ninja Attack. Nothing brings you closer to someone than putting each other in physical restraints, you know what I mean? (And some of us are just too elusive, eh? Hey, btw, do you know what I remember most about that class? I remember when you had to act like a little child stabbing yourself with a pair of scissors. Had I known what we'd be up against in the coming months, I would have let you do it.)
We were prepared...we thought.
Ah, the cast of characters that were the students we enjoyed that year. Here's a quick rundown of the more memorable ones:
Student A: Future Jeffrey Dahmer. We took an unidentifiable bone off of him one day. He yelled, "THAT'S PART OF MY COLLECTION!!!"
Student B: The most astute judge of character you've ever met. If this kid looked at anyone and said, "He/She ain't right." You could put money on it. Sometimes, we would be particularly frustrated with one of the other kids, and this kid would say the things we wanted to say, but couldn't. He'd get a soft pat on the back and a "Now, _______, that's not very nice." I loved that kid.
Famous Quotes: "HEY! HE left his PEE RAG in here! YOU'RE A STUPID PEE BOY WITH YOUR PEE RAG!"
"I don't like that Frizzy haired lady!"
Student C: This kid put three of the four of us in the Emergency Room that year. I think he got suspended for one day.
STudent D: This kid would lie on the floor and scream all day. It sounded like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park, I kid you not. This kid sucked, and I still don't like him eight years later.
Of course, we had several other assorted kids...runners, poop throwers, that girl from the Exorcist... (My therapist says I'm not allowed to talk about them anymore.)
Every day, we suffered various injuries as we had kids pretty much just beating the shit out of us. We learned that Crisis Prevention was basically a load of crap. It was Open Season in there, and we were the prey. We had kids spit in our faces, headbutt us, kick us, bite us, drag us down hallways, punch us...Even better were the creative names we were called. We determined about midway through the year that the kids had preferred names for us. I was "Motherfucker." Terps was "C***sucker." How did they know? ha ha(I know this comment will be met with severe retribution. I still couldn't resist.) That you fuck your mom? I always wondered how they knew that too...
Very early in the year we took a trip with Terpsichore's roommate to New Orleans. I'd mentioned to Terps that I'd always wanted to go, so we arranged a weekend trip for my 27th birthday. Funnily enough, my birthday (September 25th, cash is fine.) fell during Gay Pride Week so there were even more sights to see than usual.
My first day there we caught the Gay Pride parade that came by our lodgings on Rue St. Anne. Terps was a real hit with the "Dykes on Bikes" Their name for themselves, BTW. Not our name for them.(Wow. I can't believe you brought that up here...)krewe. My "special friends" would meet up with me later that evening.
I'll let Terpsichore carry on a bit from here.
To be honest, Confusia, I don't know if it's because we went there so many times, or that I would later move there, or if I just drank too much, but I don't really remember what happened that weekend. Was that the Charity Event? All I do remember was the birth of the Beastlie Girls on the way home that weekend. The birth of the Beastlie Girls happened later that year on a trip you and your roommate took without me. For full story, go to Yahoo Geocities and search for Beastlie Girls. It will bring up the Beastlie Girls website (which desperately needs to be updated.) Wait....really? I thought we were listening to Liscense to Ill and had the brainchild right there, in my RAV4.
And why did you think I was a smoker? Everyone I hung out with at the time smoked. I figured we'd get along, therefore, you must be a smoker. I was half-right, at the time, you did sometimes have a menthol when you drank. Confusia, do we need to work on fractions again. The fact that I sometimes had a menthol when I drank doesn't make you half-right... What are you, some kind of teacher??
I Don't Even KNOW Me Anymore!
So, something really alarming happened to me yesterday. I was looking at free online (anti-) Valentine's Day cards to send out to various people and one of them was the "Find Your Celebrity Soulmate" Quiz Card. Well, I took it, and the celebrity I was paired with was somebody I loathe. (Which OF COURSE would be so like me when it comes to soulmates.) Anyway, I was so discouraged that I took the quiz several times trying to get a better celebrity. Anyway, out of the 6 times I took it, I got the same a-hole 4 times. I had to pick the answers most contrary to how I actually feel to get the celebrity I wanted (Patrick Dempsey, whom I loved WELL before Dr. McDreamy...I loved him in Can't Buy Me Love, thank you very much!) Anyway, my celebrity soulmate...David Beckham. WTF???
Just for fun, I decided to do the "Who's Your Dead Celebrity Soulmate?" Quiz.
They matched me with Edgar Allen Poe, which really sucks. I was hoping for Lord Byron.
-Confusia
Could you guve me the link to that quiz? Now that's something I NEED to know.
Just for fun, I decided to do the "Who's Your Dead Celebrity Soulmate?" Quiz.
They matched me with Edgar Allen Poe, which really sucks. I was hoping for Lord Byron.
-Confusia
Could you guve me the link to that quiz? Now that's something I NEED to know.
What the???
In looking at yesterday's celebrity crush post, I noticed something a little odd. How did I get from Point A (Ricky Schroder) to Point B (Adrien Brody)? What does this say about how my personality has changed over the years? It's like I went from being a member of the Hitler Youth to being a Zionist...What the hell?
-Confusia
Ah come on, they almost look like they could be twins. Plus, everyone knows that Jason Bateman was the real hottie on Silver Spoons! -Terps
A Serious Moment, If I May.
Confusia here...
I'd just like to take a moment, in light of another school shooting, to share a word of wisdom with teachers.
Please, please, PLEASE do not leave your safety, and the safety of the students in your classroom to a quick response by police. We know we could potentially be in a life threatening situation every day we come to work. Sad, but true. Now, I don't think we all need to wear bullet proof vests, or retire early and cower in our homes. What we do need is a way to defend ourselves and the kids in our care should the need arise.
Please keep some harmless looking object in your classroom that could be used as a weapon in an emergency. For me, it's a baseball bat. I know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
Guns don't belong in schools. The end. BUT, baseball bats are in schools across the nation. If your classroom is the first to get hit, there's not alot you can do, but if they call a lockdown, you can be standing behind your door with the bat. Should the wrong person attempt to enter, it's time to play Babe Ruth. I think these gunmen feel all powerful with a gun, but they're not. It's hard to fire a gun if someone's just used your head to hit a home run. Is it foolproof? Of course not. But it's something. Please don't be the next teacher who says, "I didn't think it could happen here."
For the sake of my safety, for my own children who need mom to come home from work, and the safety of the kids in my care, I will defend my classroom, no matter the age, gender, or mental capacity of the attacker. I advise you to be prepared to do the same.
It is here that I will have to disagree with you, not with the preparedness part, but with "all powerful" part. And even though I can hear the boos across the nation as I type this, I can't help it that I KNOW, having taught the 10 year olds that come to be these adults, that there is more to all of these incidents than we know, more than we are able to comprehend because we aren't in the place that these individuals are. Am I defending them? No. Am I saying that they were within their rights to destroy the lives of others? Absolutely not. Am I saying that these events occur not because of the power that comes with having a gun but because of the lack of power that put the guns in their hands in the first place? Yes. I love that you are prepared to defend yourself and your charges in the event of an attack. I worry that I wouldn't be able to get past age and mental capacity if I was placed in such a position.
-Terps
I'd just like to take a moment, in light of another school shooting, to share a word of wisdom with teachers.
Please, please, PLEASE do not leave your safety, and the safety of the students in your classroom to a quick response by police. We know we could potentially be in a life threatening situation every day we come to work. Sad, but true. Now, I don't think we all need to wear bullet proof vests, or retire early and cower in our homes. What we do need is a way to defend ourselves and the kids in our care should the need arise.
Please keep some harmless looking object in your classroom that could be used as a weapon in an emergency. For me, it's a baseball bat. I know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
Guns don't belong in schools. The end. BUT, baseball bats are in schools across the nation. If your classroom is the first to get hit, there's not alot you can do, but if they call a lockdown, you can be standing behind your door with the bat. Should the wrong person attempt to enter, it's time to play Babe Ruth. I think these gunmen feel all powerful with a gun, but they're not. It's hard to fire a gun if someone's just used your head to hit a home run. Is it foolproof? Of course not. But it's something. Please don't be the next teacher who says, "I didn't think it could happen here."
For the sake of my safety, for my own children who need mom to come home from work, and the safety of the kids in my care, I will defend my classroom, no matter the age, gender, or mental capacity of the attacker. I advise you to be prepared to do the same.
It is here that I will have to disagree with you, not with the preparedness part, but with "all powerful" part. And even though I can hear the boos across the nation as I type this, I can't help it that I KNOW, having taught the 10 year olds that come to be these adults, that there is more to all of these incidents than we know, more than we are able to comprehend because we aren't in the place that these individuals are. Am I defending them? No. Am I saying that they were within their rights to destroy the lives of others? Absolutely not. Am I saying that these events occur not because of the power that comes with having a gun but because of the lack of power that put the guns in their hands in the first place? Yes. I love that you are prepared to defend yourself and your charges in the event of an attack. I worry that I wouldn't be able to get past age and mental capacity if I was placed in such a position.
-Terps
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A Brief Chronology of Confusia's Various Celebrity Crushes Throughout the Years
Ricky Schroder : I am almost painfully embarrassed about this one. And no, Terpsichore, this was not last week.
Morten Harket: The guy in the middle of the trio. Lead singer of A-Ha. We were supposed to get married, but as usual, everything went wrong.
Robert Smith: Who else would a New Wave chick wanna get with? Sad teen angst fact...I once wrote a poem with the same title as his shade of lipstick.
The King Ad-Rock: Cause he knows where they gots the champaigne.
Christian Bale: The man was already an acting genius, but now he's also Batman.
Oh, I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting. But if I'm forgetting them, they must not have been very important to me, huh?
Enjoy. - Confusia
Just so you know, I will claw your eyeballs out if I have to. Robert Smith is mine.
But I prefer this picture:
-Terps
Holy Hallmark Holidays, Cupid!
I have only a second to type this, but...guess what I just got.
Roses!
Guess from whom.
Rob the tattoo guy!
Awkward much?
OH! The tears of mirth that I'm shedding at your expense...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You're welcome. - Confusia
Roses!
Guess from whom.
Rob the tattoo guy!
Awkward much?
OH! The tears of mirth that I'm shedding at your expense...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You're welcome. - Confusia
25 Things To See Before I Die
OK, SO I was signing into the blog earlier and I was reading that scroll that tells you the blogs that have been recently updated. You know what I'm talking about, right? Well, anyway, there was one called "1000 Places to See Before You Die". Well, I didn't read the blog, but I did love the title and the idea. So, I decided we should start a running list of things we MUST see before we die and everytime we add to it, the title would change? You follow me? So, I shall start the list. Oh, and we can colorcode them so we know who wrote what (although I'm certain some of them will be the same for both of us.)
Terpsichore =blue
Confusia = orange
(1) The Arc de Triomphe
(2) Beastie Boys in concert (DITTO!)
(3) Eight more stamps in my passport
(4) A glacier
(5) Adam Duritz's bed (in person...pictures do not count)
(6) The Musical Wicked
(7) Neuschwanstein Castle
(8) a woman in the White House (not necessarily Hillary. I was thinking more of myself.)
(9) A Luxury cabin on a cruise ship while I am a passenger, and it is mine...
(10) A really nice bank account with my name on it.
(11) Our published novel(s)
(12) A Christmas Story on the big screen
(13) A man that scores higher on my "Perfect Man Requirements" List than Confusia did.
(14) Alaska
(15) A pizza in Italy.
(16) The Swiss Alps (I wanted to live there when I was a kid, and save stranded people with my St. Bernard dog) (Yes, I was a strange child.)
(17) Sweden (Where my people come from...Deuces.)
(18) My &*%$)*^ letter to Hogwarts which hasn't %*^*^% come yet.
(19) Paul Rudd in person
(20) My students finished movies from the filmmaking class (because I'm beginning to doubt they'll EVER be done with them...)
(21) A cure for stupidity.
(22) A %*^#*% pizza place that delivers after midnight.
(23) A cigarette that is not only good for you, but helps you lose weight while gaining muscle tone. (24) A home Lipo kit. The butter knife, reverse air pump with the vacuum hose one I came up with doesn't count as I've never worked up the nerve to test it.
(25) Unfailing, no side-effect at all, comfortable, totally and easily reversible birth control that also stops monthly visits from Aunt Flo. While I realize that abstinence meets almost all of the criteria, it fails in two essential areas...A. It does not stop our monthly friend, and B. It is no freakin' fun at all.
Terpsichore =blue
Confusia = orange
(1) The Arc de Triomphe
(2) Beastie Boys in concert (DITTO!)
(3) Eight more stamps in my passport
(4) A glacier
(5) Adam Duritz's bed (in person...pictures do not count)
(6) The Musical Wicked
(7) Neuschwanstein Castle
(8) a woman in the White House (not necessarily Hillary. I was thinking more of myself.)
(9) A Luxury cabin on a cruise ship while I am a passenger, and it is mine...
(10) A really nice bank account with my name on it.
(11) Our published novel(s)
(12) A Christmas Story on the big screen
(13) A man that scores higher on my "Perfect Man Requirements" List than Confusia did.
(14) Alaska
(15) A pizza in Italy.
(16) The Swiss Alps (I wanted to live there when I was a kid, and save stranded people with my St. Bernard dog) (Yes, I was a strange child.)
(17) Sweden (Where my people come from...Deuces.)
(18) My &*%$)*^ letter to Hogwarts which hasn't %*^*^% come yet.
(19) Paul Rudd in person
(20) My students finished movies from the filmmaking class (because I'm beginning to doubt they'll EVER be done with them...)
(21) A cure for stupidity.
(22) A %*^#*% pizza place that delivers after midnight.
(23) A cigarette that is not only good for you, but helps you lose weight while gaining muscle tone. (24) A home Lipo kit. The butter knife, reverse air pump with the vacuum hose one I came up with doesn't count as I've never worked up the nerve to test it.
(25) Unfailing, no side-effect at all, comfortable, totally and easily reversible birth control that also stops monthly visits from Aunt Flo. While I realize that abstinence meets almost all of the criteria, it fails in two essential areas...A. It does not stop our monthly friend, and B. It is no freakin' fun at all.
Valentine Goodies
Yes indeed, it is that day. That STUPID, STUPID, STUPID day. However, I figured that if you could have a Valentine's Greeting for us, I could too. Here goes!
Dear Hallmark,
I would like to thank you for making the 14th of February my most hated day of the year. In my own defense, I want to tell you that whether I am single (which I thankfully/currently am) or in a relationship, I hate this money-marketing event you shove in the faces of the masses. Valentine's Day has become one of two things. It is either a time when those who have no love interest get to feel miserable about themselves and their inability to find "the one", or it is a day when people scramble to outdo the gift they gave last year or that their friends are giving, etc. I find it sick and completely unromantic. Here's an idea, why aren't we all just nice to our loved ones EVERYDAY? Shouldn't we be celebrating love year round? Do we really have to have some pink and red and white chocolate covered teddy bear and red roses outdo the ex fest? I'm convinced we don't have to do that. However, if you wanted to win me over, you might consider having the following shipped to my house, priority.
Sincerely,
Terpsichore
I knew the photo of Adam Duritz was coming. - Confusia
I'm sorry, did you say something? I was too busy looking longingly at the man of my dreams. I couldn't concentrate.
-Terpsichore
Happy Birthday, Rob Thomas.
Reasons I love you: Bent, Hand Me Down, Downfall
Adrien Brody,
Confusia says,
"Yes, please."
Confusia's good advice for Valentine's Day.
What to watch:
1. Thelma and Louise...lest we forget.
2. Fahrenheit 9/11...because there's never a good day to let go of your bitterness over the past 8 years of political bullshit.
What to read:
1. Bartending for Dummies
What to eat:
1. Whatever doesn't eat you first.
What to wear:
1. Who cares?
Glad I could help.
Love, Confusia
Dear Hallmark,
I would like to thank you for making the 14th of February my most hated day of the year. In my own defense, I want to tell you that whether I am single (which I thankfully/currently am) or in a relationship, I hate this money-marketing event you shove in the faces of the masses. Valentine's Day has become one of two things. It is either a time when those who have no love interest get to feel miserable about themselves and their inability to find "the one", or it is a day when people scramble to outdo the gift they gave last year or that their friends are giving, etc. I find it sick and completely unromantic. Here's an idea, why aren't we all just nice to our loved ones EVERYDAY? Shouldn't we be celebrating love year round? Do we really have to have some pink and red and white chocolate covered teddy bear and red roses outdo the ex fest? I'm convinced we don't have to do that. However, if you wanted to win me over, you might consider having the following shipped to my house, priority.
Sincerely,
Terpsichore
I knew the photo of Adam Duritz was coming. - Confusia
I'm sorry, did you say something? I was too busy looking longingly at the man of my dreams. I couldn't concentrate.
-Terpsichore
Happy Birthday, Rob Thomas.
Reasons I love you: Bent, Hand Me Down, Downfall
Adrien Brody,
Confusia says,
"Yes, please."
Confusia's good advice for Valentine's Day.
What to watch:
1. Thelma and Louise...lest we forget.
2. Fahrenheit 9/11...because there's never a good day to let go of your bitterness over the past 8 years of political bullshit.
What to read:
1. Bartending for Dummies
What to eat:
1. Whatever doesn't eat you first.
What to wear:
1. Who cares?
Glad I could help.
Love, Confusia
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Dysentery: A Novel.
Dear Terps,
Sorry I missed yesterday's fun and excitement. I forgot to mention that amidst all the other good times I was having last Friday evening, one of the kids also had a stomach virus. She was kind enough to share. I would have been at work yesterday, but was having to stay in my bed at precisely the right angle in order to ward off the dysentery. Not that it helped. The dysentery had its way with me anyway. It was just one of those days where you put your Pepto in a little brown bag and swig it right out of the bottle. Awesome.
So, what did I miss?
- Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I think what you really mean is what DIDN'T you miss...
So apart from reading a science quiz to some kids (and don't get me wrong, I love saying endoplasmic reticulum, sadly I REALLY do...), the only other interesting thing that happened to me was talking to Atlas whom I have not spoken to since the poop hit the fan. It was interesting.
So, in a very unTerpsichorean move, I decided that I had to try to clear the air with him, because I feel like both he and I handled things in the wrong way and I didn't expect that we'd just make everything picture perfect, but I did hope that I could at least feel a little better knowing that there was one less person out there planning my demise. In other words, I'm too old to hold grudges and have people sending negative energy my way, so I decided to make nice. It started off, well, not so good, but I think by the end of the day it was ok. Only time will tell. Either way, I did my part and can feel good about that.
So, congratulations on your diet plan. I have always said that dysentery provides the perfect mix of sphincter muscle exercises and appetite supsressant! How are you feeling today?
Later!
Terps
Sadly, I also think it's pretty fun to say Endoplasmic Reticulum. Birds of a feather...
I didn't get to work on the book today. I will tomorrow, God willing. It was very busy today. Filing for the VP, furniture being moved around my classroom. Really exciting stuff.
So, I can't believe you told me about this Atlas thing, but didn't post any of his e-mails. Dont tease.
Yes, I may not actually be any thinner, but I FEEL thinner. Does that count? The appetite does seem somewhat diminished when you're thinking about what that dinner is going to look like on the reverse trip. Also, well, on second thought, I'll leave my sphincter muscle comment in my head for now...FOR NOW da dum, da dum, da dum...
Sorry I missed yesterday's fun and excitement. I forgot to mention that amidst all the other good times I was having last Friday evening, one of the kids also had a stomach virus. She was kind enough to share. I would have been at work yesterday, but was having to stay in my bed at precisely the right angle in order to ward off the dysentery. Not that it helped. The dysentery had its way with me anyway. It was just one of those days where you put your Pepto in a little brown bag and swig it right out of the bottle. Awesome.
So, what did I miss?
- Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I think what you really mean is what DIDN'T you miss...
So apart from reading a science quiz to some kids (and don't get me wrong, I love saying endoplasmic reticulum, sadly I REALLY do...), the only other interesting thing that happened to me was talking to Atlas whom I have not spoken to since the poop hit the fan. It was interesting.
So, in a very unTerpsichorean move, I decided that I had to try to clear the air with him, because I feel like both he and I handled things in the wrong way and I didn't expect that we'd just make everything picture perfect, but I did hope that I could at least feel a little better knowing that there was one less person out there planning my demise. In other words, I'm too old to hold grudges and have people sending negative energy my way, so I decided to make nice. It started off, well, not so good, but I think by the end of the day it was ok. Only time will tell. Either way, I did my part and can feel good about that.
So, congratulations on your diet plan. I have always said that dysentery provides the perfect mix of sphincter muscle exercises and appetite supsressant! How are you feeling today?
Later!
Terps
Sadly, I also think it's pretty fun to say Endoplasmic Reticulum. Birds of a feather...
I didn't get to work on the book today. I will tomorrow, God willing. It was very busy today. Filing for the VP, furniture being moved around my classroom. Really exciting stuff.
So, I can't believe you told me about this Atlas thing, but didn't post any of his e-mails. Dont tease.
Yes, I may not actually be any thinner, but I FEEL thinner. Does that count? The appetite does seem somewhat diminished when you're thinking about what that dinner is going to look like on the reverse trip. Also, well, on second thought, I'll leave my sphincter muscle comment in my head for now...FOR NOW da dum, da dum, da dum...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Careers in Publishing!
Hey there Confusia!
I just wanted to give you a quick goodbye as I sign off for the day. I have a faculty meeting this afternoon (Can I get a whoop whoop!) during which I get to read the 400+ application letters for next year's school candidates. I can't wait.
Hope you have a pleasant evening!
Love ya,
Terps
I just wanted to give you a quick goodbye as I sign off for the day. I have a faculty meeting this afternoon (Can I get a whoop whoop!) during which I get to read the 400+ application letters for next year's school candidates. I can't wait.
Hope you have a pleasant evening!
Love ya,
Terps
Weekends: Can't Believe the Hype!
Dear Confusia, (I have elected to not use the bold print as it kind of makes me feel like I am screaming, and I don't really want the sore throat...)
Confusia comments in orange, my favorite color if you haven't guessed yet...
Terpsichore further comments in periwinkle, NOWHERE near my favortie color, but yellow is near impossible to read on here, so...
I'm glad to hear that things in your little corner of the underworld are well. Sorry that your Friday was a difficult one, though I will tell you that I'm saddened by not hearing the gory details...) I'll give it to you in buzz words: "painkillers + Poison Control + police cars + EMT's + ambulances + large field + runaway husband who can barely walk + sports complex + ER + EKG's + charcoal = Very bad night." Wow, so much of that sounds so very familiar. Any Rodents of Extraordinary Size??? but as people that are hopelessly optimistic always say, "All's well that ends well!"
My weekend was a snorefest, literally. As I was suffering from day 3 of a Migraine headache, I was not forced to go into work on Friday night. Instead I went to bed about 10:00 and didn't wake up for about twelve hours. It was blissful! I cannot begin to describe the jealousy that I have right now. Zero hours sleep in exchange for Migraine-be-gone would have been snatched up instantly...
My Saturday was spent doing laundry. Okay, maybe not so jealous after all.(What can I say, I'm a party animal!) I did get a haircut, which involved me leaving the house, so I wasn't a complete hermit, though I tried, oh yes, I tried! I got another twelve hours of sleep Saturday night which just about spanked the Migraine into submission, so I've been Migraine free for almost a full 24 hours! YIPPEE!!!!
Yesterday I went and played a little poker with my friends. I did pretty well. Walked away with $8.50 more than I walked in with. HIGH ROLLER!!!!!! And then of course I was in bed by 9:30. I slept like shit though (of course being as how it was a school night...) and had a series of random dreams. My favorite was the one where I was one of the detectives on Law and Order: Criminal Intent (which is a show I LOVE because I think Vincent D'Onofrio is HOT!!!! In a crazy, not well kind of way...) but Chuck Woolery was my partner. Very odd...
So now it's back to the daily grind. And it's the week of Valentine's Day (which I would like to take this moment to point out is the stupidest of all assclowny holidays...) Totally agree. What a waste of what would normally probably be a decent day. The only positive thing I can say for it is that it's Rob Thomas' birthday, and I'm for any day that brought him into the world. At least I no longer work at an elementary school and don't have to worry about the Valentine's Party bullshit. AND I work at an all girl's school thereby limiting the amount of hoopla that will be going on. Cannot even begin to describe how jealous I am right now. Now I'd like to take this moment to tell you why you should REALLY be jealous of me. Earlier this school year the Student Council gave all of the teachers here awards. It was really quite funny. BUT, guess what award I was given. Ok, let me just tell you. I got "Best Hair". Which I find to be quite flattering coming from an all girl's school, yes? I do have Valentine's Night plans. Some of the single crowd here in Austin are going to go to the trashiest bar we can find and get hammered! The best way anyone could spend a pointless holiday.I guess I can get on board with Valentine's if it gives me a reason to drink!
OK, I worked on the book and sent it to you. Hope to hear back from you soon! Will begin work on it ASAP. We MUST finish the book soon!
Love ya,
Terps
Lest anyone who might accidentally stumble on our blog and read this before they realize they meant to be somewhere else thinks that I'm making light of the life or death situation that was my Friday night...or making light of depression...I want to just take a minute to say, "Yes, I am."
I take it very seriously, and then afterwards, I laugh about it. I don't know any other way to get through life when it's that rough. Laugh or cry? I'd rather laugh. And yes, it is private, but I think if there's a chance someone in a similar situation could see this, know they're not alone, and that it's not the end of the world, then it should be talked about.
I'd also like to say that if anyone knows someone who might be suffering from depression, don't give them lectures about "getting over it", "eating right", or "just getting yourself in the right mindset." Take them to a doctor, be there for them, and don't bitch at them about taking medicine. This ad is not brought to you by the Church of Scientology. Thank you.
Totally unrelated to anything written above, I've been meaning to tell you that everytime I write a blog I crack up at the Labels for this post option because the first e.g. is scooters, which of course makes me think of Scooters...hehehehe!
Confusia comments in orange, my favorite color if you haven't guessed yet...
Terpsichore further comments in periwinkle, NOWHERE near my favortie color, but yellow is near impossible to read on here, so...
I'm glad to hear that things in your little corner of the underworld are well. Sorry that your Friday was a difficult one, though I will tell you that I'm saddened by not hearing the gory details...) I'll give it to you in buzz words: "painkillers + Poison Control + police cars + EMT's + ambulances + large field + runaway husband who can barely walk + sports complex + ER + EKG's + charcoal = Very bad night." Wow, so much of that sounds so very familiar. Any Rodents of Extraordinary Size??? but as people that are hopelessly optimistic always say, "All's well that ends well!"
My weekend was a snorefest, literally. As I was suffering from day 3 of a Migraine headache, I was not forced to go into work on Friday night. Instead I went to bed about 10:00 and didn't wake up for about twelve hours. It was blissful! I cannot begin to describe the jealousy that I have right now. Zero hours sleep in exchange for Migraine-be-gone would have been snatched up instantly...
My Saturday was spent doing laundry. Okay, maybe not so jealous after all.(What can I say, I'm a party animal!) I did get a haircut, which involved me leaving the house, so I wasn't a complete hermit, though I tried, oh yes, I tried! I got another twelve hours of sleep Saturday night which just about spanked the Migraine into submission, so I've been Migraine free for almost a full 24 hours! YIPPEE!!!!
Yesterday I went and played a little poker with my friends. I did pretty well. Walked away with $8.50 more than I walked in with. HIGH ROLLER!!!!!! And then of course I was in bed by 9:30. I slept like shit though (of course being as how it was a school night...) and had a series of random dreams. My favorite was the one where I was one of the detectives on Law and Order: Criminal Intent (which is a show I LOVE because I think Vincent D'Onofrio is HOT!!!! In a crazy, not well kind of way...) but Chuck Woolery was my partner. Very odd...
So now it's back to the daily grind. And it's the week of Valentine's Day (which I would like to take this moment to point out is the stupidest of all assclowny holidays...) Totally agree. What a waste of what would normally probably be a decent day. The only positive thing I can say for it is that it's Rob Thomas' birthday, and I'm for any day that brought him into the world. At least I no longer work at an elementary school and don't have to worry about the Valentine's Party bullshit. AND I work at an all girl's school thereby limiting the amount of hoopla that will be going on. Cannot even begin to describe how jealous I am right now. Now I'd like to take this moment to tell you why you should REALLY be jealous of me. Earlier this school year the Student Council gave all of the teachers here awards. It was really quite funny. BUT, guess what award I was given. Ok, let me just tell you. I got "Best Hair". Which I find to be quite flattering coming from an all girl's school, yes? I do have Valentine's Night plans. Some of the single crowd here in Austin are going to go to the trashiest bar we can find and get hammered! The best way anyone could spend a pointless holiday.I guess I can get on board with Valentine's if it gives me a reason to drink!
OK, I worked on the book and sent it to you. Hope to hear back from you soon! Will begin work on it ASAP. We MUST finish the book soon!
Love ya,
Terps
Lest anyone who might accidentally stumble on our blog and read this before they realize they meant to be somewhere else thinks that I'm making light of the life or death situation that was my Friday night...or making light of depression...I want to just take a minute to say, "Yes, I am."
I take it very seriously, and then afterwards, I laugh about it. I don't know any other way to get through life when it's that rough. Laugh or cry? I'd rather laugh. And yes, it is private, but I think if there's a chance someone in a similar situation could see this, know they're not alone, and that it's not the end of the world, then it should be talked about.
I'd also like to say that if anyone knows someone who might be suffering from depression, don't give them lectures about "getting over it", "eating right", or "just getting yourself in the right mindset." Take them to a doctor, be there for them, and don't bitch at them about taking medicine. This ad is not brought to you by the Church of Scientology. Thank you.
Totally unrelated to anything written above, I've been meaning to tell you that everytime I write a blog I crack up at the Labels for this post option because the first e.g. is scooters, which of course makes me think of Scooters...hehehehe!
Letters from Inside a Crocodile!
Dear Terps,
Hope you had a good weekend. Mine started off almost as bad as you could imagine, but finished great.
Friday: This day shall henceforth be known as The Day That Must Not Be Named.
Enough said.
Saturday: A little better. I picked up my step-daughter and her half-sister, bringing the total number of kids in my care to 5. I had the following: 12 yo girl, 9 yo girl, 5 yo boy, 4 yo girl, 4 month old girl Good times. We then had a birthday party at my house for three of ours, and two of my sisters. After enjoying corn dogs, pizza, and cake and ice-cream, we took them all down the street to this place called, "Bouncin' Bonanza". It is a huge room full of bounce houses, bounce slides, bounce mazes, bounce boxing rings, and it will give you a huge fuckin' bounce headache! The "piece de resistance" (a la Mike D) Is what I call the Bounce Tube Worm. It is this long tunnel with openings that look like vaginas. When a kid comes out of it, it totally looks like a big, blue vagina is giving birth to five year olds. Gross.Crammed full of wild children literally bouncing off the walls.
Trying to get into the spirit of the thing, and because I have the maturity of a twelve year old, I decided to participate in a few of the attractions. So, I climbed up the biggest slide using the foot bumps, and hand tethers, hawled my butt over the top of the slide, and then raced one of my kids down to the bottom of the slide. I almost had an asthma attack.. I followed that up with a trip into the bounce crocodile. This involved climbing up the foot bumps on the crocodile's inclined tongue, squeezing through a slit in the crocodile's throat ( think of reversing the birth process going into a wind tunnel) I was afraid I was going to get stuck half in and half out. Then, you slide down into the crocodile's stomach, avoiding the scuba diver legs and the anchor that are jutting up from the bottom. When you finish with that, you push down a flap, and squeeze out of the crocodile's ass. I came out of the ass flap, and this little kid who was walking by looked at me like I was an alien. I don't think he expected to see a full grown woman climbing out of a crocodile's butt, and he is probably right this minute telling his therapist that he never wants to see it again...All that was Saturday afternoon and evening. I finally got to go to bed around 1. I was so very, very grateful.
Sunday: Woke up to a messy post-birthday party house. Didn't care. Did nothing until about four, when we packed up the kids and went to the lake. Stayed there for maybe two hours, went home and cleaned house while Mr. Confusia took the other two kids back to their mom...climbed in bed and re-read some Harry Potter. That was just about my favorite part of this weekend. God Bless Harry and the pure escapism that Hogwarts provides for me.
The End.
Ps On a plus side, Mr. Confusia went to the doctor, is taking a very low dosage anti-depressant now, and has been a dream husband ever since. I am SO relieved, and SO happy for him. I really hope that he continues with it (and he will if I have to crush it and sprinkle it in his food! ha ha) because he seems so much better! He woke up smiling, happy, and flirtatious this morning. He's laughed and smiled more in the past two days than he has for the past two or three months. I have been amazed. I'm sad that it had to take a Friday night for it to happen, but at least it happened! Love, Confusia.
Hope you had a good weekend. Mine started off almost as bad as you could imagine, but finished great.
Friday: This day shall henceforth be known as The Day That Must Not Be Named.
Enough said.
Saturday: A little better. I picked up my step-daughter and her half-sister, bringing the total number of kids in my care to 5. I had the following: 12 yo girl, 9 yo girl, 5 yo boy, 4 yo girl, 4 month old girl Good times. We then had a birthday party at my house for three of ours, and two of my sisters. After enjoying corn dogs, pizza, and cake and ice-cream, we took them all down the street to this place called, "Bouncin' Bonanza". It is a huge room full of bounce houses, bounce slides, bounce mazes, bounce boxing rings, and it will give you a huge fuckin' bounce headache! The "piece de resistance" (a la Mike D) Is what I call the Bounce Tube Worm. It is this long tunnel with openings that look like vaginas. When a kid comes out of it, it totally looks like a big, blue vagina is giving birth to five year olds. Gross.Crammed full of wild children literally bouncing off the walls.
Trying to get into the spirit of the thing, and because I have the maturity of a twelve year old, I decided to participate in a few of the attractions. So, I climbed up the biggest slide using the foot bumps, and hand tethers, hawled my butt over the top of the slide, and then raced one of my kids down to the bottom of the slide. I almost had an asthma attack.. I followed that up with a trip into the bounce crocodile. This involved climbing up the foot bumps on the crocodile's inclined tongue, squeezing through a slit in the crocodile's throat ( think of reversing the birth process going into a wind tunnel) I was afraid I was going to get stuck half in and half out. Then, you slide down into the crocodile's stomach, avoiding the scuba diver legs and the anchor that are jutting up from the bottom. When you finish with that, you push down a flap, and squeeze out of the crocodile's ass. I came out of the ass flap, and this little kid who was walking by looked at me like I was an alien. I don't think he expected to see a full grown woman climbing out of a crocodile's butt, and he is probably right this minute telling his therapist that he never wants to see it again...All that was Saturday afternoon and evening. I finally got to go to bed around 1. I was so very, very grateful.
Sunday: Woke up to a messy post-birthday party house. Didn't care. Did nothing until about four, when we packed up the kids and went to the lake. Stayed there for maybe two hours, went home and cleaned house while Mr. Confusia took the other two kids back to their mom...climbed in bed and re-read some Harry Potter. That was just about my favorite part of this weekend. God Bless Harry and the pure escapism that Hogwarts provides for me.
The End.
Ps On a plus side, Mr. Confusia went to the doctor, is taking a very low dosage anti-depressant now, and has been a dream husband ever since. I am SO relieved, and SO happy for him. I really hope that he continues with it (and he will if I have to crush it and sprinkle it in his food! ha ha) because he seems so much better! He woke up smiling, happy, and flirtatious this morning. He's laughed and smiled more in the past two days than he has for the past two or three months. I have been amazed. I'm sad that it had to take a Friday night for it to happen, but at least it happened! Love, Confusia.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Capt. Morgan...A Good and Great Man!
Dear Terps,
I wrote you a bit earlier with a vague description of my evening, but as we can never overstate the virtues of the good Captain, I wanted to go into a bit more detail.
It started after I got home from work, did the dishes, made dinner, gave the baby a bottle, did the dishes again, put the kids in a Time-Out, got them out of the TO , read them a story, and tucked them in bed. I decided that it would be a good time for a drink. So I made this thing with 1 1/2 shots of Capt. Morgan, 1 shot of Creme de Bananas, 1 shot of Creme de Cassis, then some pina colada flavoring, and filled the rest up with orange juice. I also made one for Mr. Confusia, thinking that if the Capt. can't cure him, no one can..ha ha So, I went into our room rocking the freshly painted "Baiting the Hook" Red fingernails. We decided we would watch a movie. For some reason, we ended up with Saving Private Ryan. I would like it to be noted that I said, "Saving Private Ryan" and not the lesser known, (and lesser clothed) "Saving Ryan's Privates."
We were about 45 minutes into the film when the rum started to work its magic, and well, suffice it to say, our marriage should be saved for at least another week or so. ha ha
Lieutenant Confusia Reporting for Duty!
Good job having sex? Is that the correct response?
I wrote you a bit earlier with a vague description of my evening, but as we can never overstate the virtues of the good Captain, I wanted to go into a bit more detail.
It started after I got home from work, did the dishes, made dinner, gave the baby a bottle, did the dishes again, put the kids in a Time-Out, got them out of the TO , read them a story, and tucked them in bed. I decided that it would be a good time for a drink. So I made this thing with 1 1/2 shots of Capt. Morgan, 1 shot of Creme de Bananas, 1 shot of Creme de Cassis, then some pina colada flavoring, and filled the rest up with orange juice. I also made one for Mr. Confusia, thinking that if the Capt. can't cure him, no one can..ha ha So, I went into our room rocking the freshly painted "Baiting the Hook" Red fingernails. We decided we would watch a movie. For some reason, we ended up with Saving Private Ryan. I would like it to be noted that I said, "Saving Private Ryan" and not the lesser known, (and lesser clothed) "Saving Ryan's Privates."
We were about 45 minutes into the film when the rum started to work its magic, and well, suffice it to say, our marriage should be saved for at least another week or so. ha ha
Lieutenant Confusia Reporting for Duty!
Good job having sex? Is that the correct response?
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