See this little piece of machinery? Please avoid.

Dear Terps,

Above you will see a picture of an I.U.D., also known as a pregnancy enabler. As I mentioned to you earlier this week, mine apparently just...fell out. Disappeared into thin air. Vanished. I don't get this. It looks like a little crossbow that will shoot down any reproductive cells that get in it's way, and that's what it was supposed to do. A sort of "Zygote Invaders" video game plot, if you will. Instead, the damn thing fell out. How did I not notice this? I know the damn thing is tiny, but still, how did I not notice? I went to the doctor again yesterday (a different one) and he was shocked...SHOCKED! He said, "You are the first patient I've ever seen this happen to!" Yes, that's right. I am in that very special .0000000000000001 fucking percent. Aren't you jealous? I called the makers of this device and explained exactly how fourth dimensionally pissed I am about this. They were very sympathetic, offered to replace it free of charge. Yeah, because I want it to happen again, right? The doctor was a little smarter. He suggested, instead, a tubal ligation, which is EXACTLY what I intend to do. As long as co-pay isn't too much. He said since we don't know why this one came out, it would be kind of stupid to put another one in. So, income tax, hopefully only $100, will go this year to making me STERILE once and for all! It cannot happen too soon as far as I'm concerned.

The divorce is definitely on. I plan on filing early next week, and NOTHING will change my mind. I have come to the realization that I'd rather be married to marylin manson than him. He can fuck himself while simultaneously going to hell. That's how I feel.

Love, Confusia

Dearest Confusia,

I'm glad it's Friday too. Yes, the weather here is also cold, but the weekend looks promising.

So, you seem a little annoyed, and rightfully so. Have you contacted your insurance company about the co-pay for the procedure? I think that might be your best option. Let me know as you find out more about it. I actually did some Internet research and found that Mirena elpulsion happens more than you might realize. There were lots of women on message boards discussing it. Some of them were happy, however, because losing it had helped them with weight management. Of course, had they gotten pregnant, I guess there would be some weight gain...

Now, as for the divorce, clearly something more had happened to push you from serious consideration to filing next week. If you feel comfortable please share, if not here, via email.

Lastly, our new number one fan, Frank, is DYING to meet us. He insists that since we both live in Austin and you live only a few miles north (a few when you consider how many miles the Earth's circumference measures) you should come here for a "Meet Your Fan(s)" event. He has also recommended that we road trip it to Atlanta, but as I haven't been able to get you to Austin in over two years, I don't think Atlanta is doable in the near future. Plus, I hear rumor it 12 degrees there, so no thanks. Anyway, for Frank's sake, do you think you could plan a trip to Austin anytime in the near(ish) future?

I'm so glad we have a three day weekend!

Dear Terps,

If Frank feels he has the stomach for it, who am I to deny him the tremendously frightening experience of meeting us. (Frank, please, for your own sake, drink plenty, and put money aside for that retinal repair surgery you're going to need.) I will try to arrange a time soon when I can make it down. I haven't been for quite a while, it's true, and after this week from hell, I feel the need to either get out of town or have a lobotomy. Yes. It's been that good. I know I'm booked through next weekend. After that, I could probably plan something. Mid-February perhaps?? That way, we can plan a Valentine's Day rebellion. Burn Cupid in effigy, picket Hallmark, whatever we need to do.

Well, you are correct in that a few other things happened, but I don't know that I can really do them the justice they deserve. Suffice it to say, they are the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, or perhaps I should say a few more final nails...I just don't give a damn anymore. He has finally agreed and realized that there is no going back, so I can go ahead and file without fear that he will do anything bat shit crazy. That's good at least.

In the meantime, the VP needs my help in the office right now, so have to run. Will talk more later. Love, confusia

Dear Confusia,

Well, the upside is that it seems like you're coming for a visit! Yippee! Frank has no idea what he's in for!!!! (Insert wicked laughter here...) But when scheduling that, PLEASE remember that I will be up there the weekend of Valentine's because of my mom's surgery. Perhaps the weekend following that? Just let me know.

So, I wish I had more information about your divorce situation. I'm curious as to what's happened to cause you to know that he won't go bat shit crazy. Maybe you can call me if you get a chance this weekend.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I just wish it was an hour later. Here's hoping that your weekend is a good one.

Love ya, Terps

Dear Terps,

Could this work day get any longer? I want to do something fun tonight. I want to get drunk and silly. I want to pretend my life is perfect just for a little while. I have got to figure out something to do tonight if I possibly can.

Dear Confusia,

It's almost comical how fucking long this whole week has felt. It's too bad you can't just jump in your car and come down this weekend. I seem to remember an MLK weekend you came down once before. (Uhm, I kind of remember it.) Ah, those were the good old days... (SIGH!)

Attention Frank! (Not to be read by Confusia)

Dear Frank,
I have this great idea. I never seem to be able to get Confusia down to Austin for a visit. She always gives me some story about kids and responsibility and junk like that. So, I was thinking last night that if I got into cahoots with you and got her thinking that as the only person other than us that ever reads our blog, you are now our number one fan and are dying to meet us, that might motivate her to get her ass down here. You in???
Terps

Can't You See I'm Busy Here? Geeze!!!!!

Dearest Confusia,
You have got to be kidding me! When the bell rings at the end of class, there is a FIVE minute break before the next class starts. How in the world do I already have kids opening the door trying to get in when the bell rang one second ago? What kind of Star Trek related device did they use to get here at the exact moment that they should have been walking out of another class? Or is some other teacher letting their students out early for fear that she or he might kill someone if the kids hang around one second longer? I mean really? Come on!
So, I've been thinking about the "situation" that you shared with me via text this morning and was wondering if you have contacted the manufacturer of said device? Is there some way you could sue and then support me with your court winnings? Oh fuck! The little douche bags want me to teach them now. Ugh! More later!
Terps
Ah ok, I'm back. I forget how easy it is to get the 6th graders involved in working. They are still young and sweet (or at the very least, afraid) enough to actually work when you give them an assignment. Their assignment is to write a sonnet. That should take them awhile. We are on block schedule, and today is an A Day. A Days are always tough for me because I have 3 different preps. In fact, I spent twenty minutes during my off period preparing for my next class and then realized that I don't have that class until this afternoon. A very productive use of my time. Ugh!
Hhhhmmmm....what can I tell you about? Oh yes, my mom is having knee replacement surgery on February 10th. I'm going to spend that following weekend up there to help my dad out. I know that Michelle (she's staying there to help as well) and I will have to cut out of there as soon as she goes to bed to relieve the stress, so if you have some free time, we should get together. I realize one of those days is Valentine's Day, so you might already have plans for that, but maybe that Friday night. Just an idea. In fact, I should be good and ready to go out and have some fun then. I don't know if I told you this or not, but I have given up eating any sort of processed foods. I'm doing the all natural, whole grains only kind of stuff. I did, however, decide that special events would allow me to stray from that for a limited time. I've decided that the weekend I'm there constitutes a special event. In other words, I will be ready for some chips, tortillas, and guac! Oh, and some vodka....lots and lots of vodka.

Dysentery Hearts Confusia

Dear Terps,
My weekend was not so hot, although it was the weekend, so it does have that one little upside. I've decided to invest in the companies that make the following products: Pepto Bismol, Pepcid, Nexxium, and Captain Morgan. I swear, my stomach has not been right for two weeks straight. Do you think it might have something to do with stress? Hmm. No way! It would be totally freaking crazy to think that!
So Mr. Confusia was in town this weekend. On. My. Nerves. Finally, last night, I managed to say, "I'm leaning towards continuing on with the divorce." I explained to him that I have some very unfriendly feelings toward him, and that the anger and bitterness is making me feel sick. I told him that I needed my freedom so I could deal with it. I have no problems remaining friends, I just can't be married to him. It was the kind of fun that can only be had when things are as uncomfortable as possible. It went okay, though. I'd had enough of the weekend alternating between shitty comments and come-ons. I mean, not that putting me down isn't an excellent way to get me into bed, but...FUCK! Get REAL!!! He told me he was sorry, and that he's just sexually frustrated, to which I responded, "So? That doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to me." He agreed with me. Anyway, I'm just glad that I've got that off my chest now. Yes. I want a divorce.
Whew...
Confusia Jr. is also causing me major dysentery issues. I caught her smoking the other day. Today, she wore jeans to school even though she knows it's not allowed so she got two more days of In School Suspension. Honestly, I think they should just put up a cot in the ISS room and keep her there 24/7. She's heading that way anyway. My mom asked me today what I thought of maybe sending her to Romania to live with her Aunt Anna for awhile. She said not knowing the language would slow Jr. down a bit. I don't know what to think of this. Honestly, I think she and Anna are so much alike that they'd kill each other within the first 48 hours. I think a much better solution, therefore, would be to send ME to live in Romania for awhile.
Also on the kid front, the baby threw one of my shoes in the toilet last night. What the hell did I ever do to her? She looked up at me and smiled, "Look, Mom! Isn't that great? It's your SHOE!, and it's in the WATER!!!" More Pepto, more Tums, etc. Why is everyone always saying boys are so difficult? Mine is the sweetest little bunnykins ever! ha ha Actually, the baby makes me laugh alot, and she's very good, too, so can't gripe just because she doesn't understand that toilets are disgusting. To her, it's a little wishing well, of sorts.
I want to go home. I don't want to be at work today. Truly. I don't exactly know why...it's not terrible or anything. I just want to go home. Supposed to go out this weekend, so that gives me something to look forward to, and Friday is payday, but I still feel tired. I want to go home, crawl into my soft, warm bed, and read or sleep. Dysentery takes alot out of me.
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,

I would write a lot of interesting and witty stuff, but I'm a bit distracted being as how some 40 year old man wandered into our school today, made his way into my classroom while I was at lunch, and stole $66 from my purse. I mean I guess I should be elated that he didn't take my credit cards or identification, but Im still a bit.....uhm, bothered by it.

Terps

Are you serious? How did this guy get in? Why do they always find you??? Were other teachers missing stuff, too?

Yep, I'm serious, sadly. My school shares a building with the Professional Development Center. So, although we have all of these hoops you have to jump through to get into our side of the building, they clearly don't. Unfortunately, we are locked out of their side, but they aren't locked out of ours. Something to do with the fire code. So, he walked in on their side, came over to ours during lunchtime, and walked into 8 classes (or at least that's how many they could see from the cameras we have in our school.) We got $66 from me and $200 from another teacher (who had taken the cash out that morning to go pay some bills that afternoon.) It was neat. It's so much fun teaching for the rest of the afternoon when you feel totally violated. I love this job.

Is the Bell BROKEN?

Dear Confusia,

Is it just me or should school already be over by now. Why does it seem that the clock has stopped advancing? I'm pretty sure that it's been 3:50 for two hours now. At least it feels that way. I don't know why I want to leave so badly. I'm just going directly from here to the Warehouse. I have to be there at 4:30, but really. I swear. I think time has stopped. WTF???
Have a great weekend!
Terps

Updates on Confusia's Fucked Up Situation...

Dear Terps, (Terps replies in blue)
Just when I thought life was interesting enough, all kinds of weird things occur. So I told you about the person I work with from time to time, and how I had developed a sort of crush on him. I also told you I didn't think anything would come of it, etc. He's very smart, and funny, and younger than me (Geez, like that's something different.) So the last day before break, he gives me his phone number, and I barely manage to not do cartwheels, right? I did however, manage to give him my number,too. The Monday after we got out on break, I looked at my phone and realized that he'd texted me the day before. I texted him back, and we end up going to a Lebanese restaurant and hookah bar, where, for the first time in my life, I smoked a hookah. I felt like Byron, or (more appropriately) Coleridge, only it was just tobacco. Hookahs are surprisingly pleasant. This was flavored with watermelon, and was very sweet. (The thought of it kind of makes me wanna gag. I hate watermelon. But please, continue...) I had a really good time with my new friend. After the hookah, I went home. A few days later, he took me and the baby to an arcade type place where we played pool and several arcade games. Again, alot of fun...A few days after that, I went to his place and we drank raspberry ale, watched alot of episodes of Red Dwarf, went to lunch, etc. I always have such a good time with him.
Meanwhile, Mr. Confusia, who, as you know, I have been separated from for over three months now, is very unhappy. (Shocking!) He doesn't live with me any longer, and isn't sharing my room, either, and he thinks this is all because of my new friend. (Despite the fact that you've been separated for several months and this just started???) No. It has more to do with the fact that I'm just totally tired of his endless drama and being in and out of my life. Together for two and a half years, he left me and the kids FIVE times...including three days after we got married (That was probably very telling...) and the day after we brought the baby home from the hospital. (Oh, for the love...) Don't know if you know this, but the last time he left, he threw a food processor threw my car windshield (Oh...that explains the windshield tape when you stopped by my house that morning...) , smashed the aquarium that was in our living room thereby flooding living room and kitchen (46 gallons is alot of water), smashed my phone, etc. He has NOW decided that I am the only woman in the world who can make his life complete. (Or, you're the only one who ever put up with his shit.) He knows he messed up, and is changing, etc. (And I have some ocean-front property I'd like to sell you.) He even got a tattoo that stands for "forever" on his ring finger. (I just threw up a little bit.) It is driving me berserk!!!!!! I cannot put enough exclamation points behind that sentence! I feel that he is just being territorial, like, "Oh, some guy is moving in on my woman, and I've got to prove that I'm the one she chooses.", etc. I think that if he thought I would stand still long enough for him to urinate on me to prove his point, he probably would. (Some women like that. Maybe he should do some research.) I don't like this. I think it's a bunch of middle school crap. (Which I assume you see enough of Monday-Friday from 8-4???)
So, I've got this situation...I really like this person who I have a crush on, and I'm really tired of the situation with Mr. Confusia. I want to go ahead and pursue divorce, but here's where I would like your opinion, and those of anyone else who have the misfortune to read this post...Do you think I'm bored and pursuing someone else because it's a new thing? or do you think I have adequate reason for not wanting to continue my marriage? (Hhhhhmmmm...here's where I'm confused. Usually when there is an A or B question at hand, the two answers are like opposite sides of a coin. If what you were asking is do you think I should give up on my marriage in order to immediately marry this other guy or should I give my marriage another shot, I'd understand the question, but as it's stated here, I don't seem how these two things are contingent upon each other. I think the answer could be yes to both of those. Could you be pursuing someone else because it's new? Yes. Do you have adequate reason for not wanting to continue your marriage? Yes. It would be one thing if the only reason why you are considering a divorce is to date this guy. But to my knowledge you were considering divroce well before you knew if there would be anything to this relationship with the other guy. If I am incorrect, and you have only begun to consider divorce because this guy might like you, then you need to do some serious thinking. If you are considering a divorce because your marriage is dysfunctional and it's something you would be doing regardless of who was in your life, then you know what you need to do.) He is being alot nicer, taking his medicine, etc. I just really think that as soon as he thinks he's got me, he'll start the whole stupid possessiveness, the controlling, the mindgames, and all the other shit he does up again. (Old dog, new tricks. Unlikely.) Mr. Confusia thinks my choice is between him and the other person. I feel like my choice is between him and the freedom to be myself without fear of being retaliated against. What do you think? Confusia, who is named very appropriately lately.
PS. I forgot to mention that this new person is SO interesting to me. I nver know what he's going to say or do next. I feel like my brain is waking up after a long slumber. That feels so good to me. I would also like to say that he does have access to this blog, though I don't know if he reads it or not. That is why he is being referred to as "person" instead of by his name...to protect the innocent, you know. Did I mention that I really like him alot? (Uhm...if this is some kind of covert operation so that he won't know that you're talking about him, I think you failed. He probably knows that he's the one you went hookah smiking with, no? Or is this some sly way of you telling him you like him without coming right out and saying it? Hhhhhmmmmmm.....coy.)

But I Don't Wanna...

Be back at work. Why oh why, Dearest Confusia, do they make us work? Why can't I find a position as a woman of leisure? I can't quite decide if my situation is better because I teach only semester classes so it's like hitting rewind and play. Or if maybe my situation is worse because I have to do all the same shit with a new crew. Ugh! The truth is, I just don't want to work.
How was your holiday?
Terps