It Feels Like I've Done This All Before

Dear Confusia,

How are you? How was your weekend? How are things at home? I would write more but I have a throbbing headache and feel really uninspired. Maybe I'll be better a little later.

Terps

Dear Terps,
I decided to respond on this post rather than do a new one because your title works so well for what I have to say.
Friday night, Mr. Confusia came over. It was just me and the baby so he ended up staying for awhile. He watched a movie with me, then one thing led to another, etc. He left Saturday morning to go fishing with a friend. He showed up last night to ask me if he could do some laundry, and he'd give me a couple of dollars for the cost of it. His demeanor was so completely different from what it had been on Friday that I got pretty upset. He seemed surprised by that. We spoke for a little while. I told him he needed to make up his mind and stop playing games with me. I asked him why he was still wearing his wedding ring. He said, "I've just grown accustomed to it." I told him that he should go ahead and take it off since he was breaking his vows to me. He tried, but it was stuck. I proceeded to pull that thing off of his hand. It took me a little while, but if I'd had to grease his hand up with peanut butter, it was coming off. I basically told him that he'd never loved me, didn't love our family, that he lied to me every time he'd said the words, "I love you." and that I was a monumental fool for ever believing him. etc. It wasn't pretty. Finally, I told him that I had to get the baby to bed, which was a pretty big hint for him to go ahead and go. After that, because apparently my eyes and nose weren't red and puffy enough, I cried myself to sleep. I again had dreams in which various people treated me like shit, and woke feeling totally ready for Monday and work, as you can imagine after such a fun night.
I really don't want to talk to anyone, or even be here. I HATE this!!! It's so not right. And yeah, maybe it's happening for a reason, and it's not like our marriage was perfect or anything because it wasn't, but it was MY marriage, you know? And to see him fuck it up, and trash his vows after six fucking months...there are no words. He should be ashamed of himself for being a quitter and a liar. If he decided that he's been a fool, which he has, and wants to come home...I don't even know how to handle that. I want to save our marriage, but only if conditions change, and he starts taking responsibility for his issues, and his moods. I just feel so lonely. Like everything I believed was a lie, and that I'm an ass. His brother is being great, though. When I told him what's been going on, he said, "No wonder I haven't seen him. He knows what I'd have to say about what he's doing. He knows I'd send his ass home." He went on to say that if I needed anything at all to let him and his wife know. That they're my family, and that that would never change.
-Confusia

Dearest Confusia,

I know that there is nothing I can say that will change this or make it better for you in this moment. I wish I could. All I can say for certain is that I love you and will do anything within my power to help you any way I can. Please let me know what I can do for you. I do believe that every trial we are faced with makes us stronger. No matter the end result of this, you will be a richer person for having experienced it. Please call me when you can.

Love, Terps

Thanks, and I'm sorry for being such a whiny baby about this lately. It's just really difficult for me. I knew there was a chance it could happen, but at the same time, I can't believe it actually is. I know I'll survive. I was actually doing better last Friday. I had pretty well dealt with it, and was just having a few residual pains. I feel like I'm starting today back at fucking square one. I'm an idiot. That's it.

Of course you know that none of this has anything to do with being an idiot. Sure, we have all done idiotic things in our life (think working for HEB ISD), but nothing you have done in this relationship makes you an idiot. Being upset and hurt and sad, all of that, it's natural. If you weren't, I'd think there was something terribly wrong with you. Trust me, I have been through this. I know it feels like you are a failure. I know that it seems like a personal insult that you aren't good enough. But honestly, Confusia, that's not the reality of it. Relationships are multi-facited. They aren't flat with black and white truths and realizations. Had either of you KNOWN undoubtedly that this WAS going to happen, then you wouldn't have done this. You took a risk. You took a chance. Now know that you are going through a learning experience. If this works out, you learn from it. If it doesn't, you learn from that as well. Everything will get easier. I'm living proof.

Yes, I do feel like a failure, and I feel like I wasn't good enough. I also feel that he didn't try, and I have some anger about that. Like, why the hell did he even ask me to marry him if he wasn't going to make a serious attempt. (And I would not call 6 months a serious attempt.) We lived together for over a year before we got married. He knew what he was in store for. Nobody held a gun to his head. So why did he make a mockery of it all??? Why did he stand at the altar and say those vows, if he knew he wasn't able to deal with it? That's how I feel. I feel like he made a fool of me, and I'm very angry about it.

Brilliantly Humiliating Idea!

Confusia,

I was reading some other blogs, and I stumbled across one which lead me to several others of all these people who are food journaling everything they eat in a day. So, I thought that would be a really great idea for us. Not so that we can become more conscious of what we eat, but rather so that we can make these people feel better about themselves should they happen to stumble upon our blog. The blog (entitled Confessions of a Fat Girl...which I think would be a great name for the Beastlie Girl's next LP) is far more in depth than ours (they calculate far more things i.e. calories, fat grams, carbs, proteins, etc), but I think we would be serving humanity well if we listed our daily feedings. We could add to it as need be (which for me today could be a lot! OK, I shall start.

Terps' Food Consumption 04/04/08

Breakfast:
Venti Black Coffee from Starbucks
More than the serving size (by a lot no doubt) of Zapp's Regular Flavor Potato Chips
Calories: A zillion; Fat Grams: Enough

Mid-morning Snack:
Two handfuls (by that I mean giant, meaty man paws) of Starburst Jellybeans
Calories: Good job only eating 2 handfuls; Fat Grams: Jellybeans are a fat-free food.

Lunch:
Two slices low-fat wheat bread
One vegan "chicken" patty
Remainder of bag of Zapps Potato Chips
Calories: None of your fucking business; Fat Grams: Damn, you Zapp's people

Dinner:
I'm working tonight so I shall just drink my weight in booze.
Another round of Jagermeister for me and my thighs!

Um, not sure if this is a good idea. People will gain weight just by reading what I've eaten today, and then they'll hate our blog. But here goes:
Breakfast: Large Diet Coke
Sausage biscuit from McDonald's
Lunch: Large Diet Coke
Personal pepperoni pizza
3 breadsticks
Dinner: (I already know what I'm going to have..)
Bowl of Curves cereal. (Like this will do any good after the massive calories already ingested.)

Net weight gain: 5 pounds from eating this stuff, another 3 from writing it down.
Now then, aren't you sorry you came up with this plan???

And could someone please explain to me why I think that drinking Diet Coke with my meals is doing me any good? "Hi, I'll have the Loaded Big Mac, Cheese Lovers and Pepperoni Foot Long Sub...and can I Supersize that? , and a Diet Coke." Like the drive-thru peeps aren't rolling their eyes at me...
-Confusia
-Confusia

I'll Take "Shoot Me Now" for $500, Alex.

Dear Terps, Dear Confusia,
I had a few great dcreams last night. Are you kidding me? I woke up so many times last night thinking about how I was going to have to write you an email telling you about that dream. Interesting...Let me tell you about them.
The first one involved Mr. Confusia handing me a book by this "great" marriage counselor type guy. In the book, this guy suggested that all wives sign contracts for their husbands promising to follow directions, and be respectful and basically, subservient. Mr. Confusia wanted me to sign the contract, and I was saying, "What? NO! I won't sign this. This is ridiculous! I'm not going to be a second class citizen in this marriage." At least you didn't sign the contract, ya know? I mean at least you can be pruod that even in your dreams you have integrity. Bottom line is...this dream sucked.
The second one involved my older sister and a party she was having. She came up to me, and suggested that she might run out of croissants and strawberries and was asking me not to eat seconds. Then she said something in French, and my other sister gasps, and says, "That's mean!" I said, "What did she say?" And she replies with a certain look, and says, "You know..."
I took that to mean that I wasn't supposed to get seconds because I'm such a lard ass...You have to ask me not to eat all the food for everybody. That is a bad dream. When I have dreams that bother me, I like to rework them when awake and make myself feel better. For instance, you could have told her that you had no intention of eating another croissant as the first was so dry it would have caused a Saint Bernard (or some other heavily slobbering dog) to choke. Then you would have picked up a bottle of Perrier (or whatever pretentious French-type beverage being served) and thrown it in her face as you walk out with the best looking mime in attendance. Bottom line...this dream sucked, too.
The third dream involved me buying shirts for my daughter and Isaac's half-sister. Neither of them liked the shirts, and the half-sister said, "Couldn't you have just bought me a big, orange jacket instead?" I was pissed because I'd done something nice for them, and they were totally ungrateful. And the lesson to be learned here is no good deed goes unpunished. Maybe it was an honest reminder to you to stop being so nice and considerate. I know that sounds awful, but you know what I mean, right? Maybe it's one of those, "Looking out for yourself and doing something for you is sometimes ok" reminders. Maybe?
My question is, "Why do I have to have dreams like this?" I mean, if I wanted to take a bunch of crap from people 24-7, I would just stay awake. Tonight, I'd like to just special order a hot dream with Adrien Brody, if that would be okay... OK, well here goes my dream. I had a dream that I was so angry at someone that we both know but who shall remain nameless at this time had annoyed me so badly that I started pummeling her. I was really giving her the smackdown of a lifetime. Then I would wake up, think to myself, "Hhhmmm, that's odd as I'm not even annoyed with her right now," and then go back to sleep and continue to beat the shit out of her. Very odd.
Now, I get to work, and I've got the worst two kids in school who are already doing their best to give me the most ginormous fucking headache of all fucking time. Is the swearing necessary, you ask? OMG!!! HEEELLLLLPPPP MMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!
Love, Confusia

This is the conversation I'm currently engaged in. Let me transcribe: Let me translate:
AC: Can I go to the office?
Me: No. Sadly, no.
AC: Why not?
Me: Because you've already been there. They sent you here. Because they hate you and me both
AC: But I need to go:
Me: They don't want you there. Just like your parents don't want you at home. Because they don't love you and never have. Stop banging your desk. Before I crack it over your head.
AC: Can I get another infraction so I can go to the office?
Me: No. Don't ask me again. Or I will get an infraction which will land me in jail.
AC:Man, I want to go to the office....
Me: I'm not going to tell you again. Stop banging the desk. You break it, you buy it. And I will gladly take the cost of it out of your hide.
AC: Sorry, ya. How much does it cost?
Me: You need to get a book and be reading. Not that you know how to read, but...
AC: I don't have one.
Me: You can come get one.
AC: I already read all of them.
Me: I doubt that. Oh, well since you've read them all, I need someone to write book reports about each of the books so that other students will have an idea what the books are about when they get sent here for acting like assholes as you have. Which one would you like to start with?

On and on it goes...Pray for this young man today. My fingers are itching...
-Confusia (who is not at all confused about what punishments she would inflict on this young person(?))

In Terpsichore World...I had another doctors appointment to try to determine what is wrong with me as I think I might be slowly bleeding to death. Good times!
Also, I just bought a plan ticket to fly to Dallas the weekend of April 25th. I don't know if you'll have any chance of getting together, but if you can, let me know.


Geez! I'm seeing spots from trying to read the light torquoise or however you spell that word. Yes, yes, I'm glad you like it. I find it most pleasant sandwiched in here between your rows of orange, yes?
I loved the translations. All of them true. Great minds think alike. You and I have had far too many like work experiences for me to not know your true meanings. When the other kid couldn't do his science busy work without asking me a TRILLION questions, I assigned him a 1 1/2 page on what Scienc'es next great discovery should be, and why. "What should I write about?" ARRGGHH!
Here, let me think for you. How do you even effing figure out how to breathe? Would you like me to do that for you, too? Can you wipe your own ass? I kid you not, Terps. I need some meds today!!!! Them or me, as you once so aptly put it. A quote that I have used countless times in my life. "Either the kid or me on Adderall NOW! And I mean that!"
I think tonight, rather than a hot dream about Adrien Brody, I want to have your dream that I'm beating the shit out of someone. THAT sounds great!!! What a wonderful stress reliever! So much nicer than being controlled, being told you're an enormous freak who eats everybody's food, and listening to a bunch of whining. I will say that it was quite satisfying and I don't even want to beat this particular person. I can only imagine how nice it would be if you wanted to mangle someone.
Well, I'm off to lunch. I'm going to strap on the old pig snout and snuffle my way through all the lunch bags in the Teacher's Lounge fridge. Speaking of, I was going to ask you earlier if you thought potato chips and coffee were a healthy breakfast...
-Confusia -Terps

Terps,
Have I profiled my other star pupil today? Seriously, am I on Candid Camera???
This kid has asked me at least 1.3 million questions so far. I finally just had to tell him that I would not answer any more questions, listen to any more comments. If I hear his voice anymore today, I'm going to go apeshit. For real.

Better?

Dear Confusia,
I'm just checking to see if you are feeling any better today. I hope so.
Love ya,
Terpsichore

Sorry I'm just getting to this today. My comp. has been acting up.
I am feeling a bit better today, though still not great. Mr. Confusia has been gone since Sunday night, though he's made various trips home to get stuff. I won't lie. It has sucked. I figured that he would be back again because he usually comes home pretty quickly, but he hasn't this time. I still feel strongly that if he's not willing to change his attitudes, then there's no use in his coming home, so I may just have to struggle through this. Apparently, he doesn't want to change. Apparently, he doesn't feel that I or his 6 month old daughter is worth it. That hurts. I mean, all he has to do is take his medicine, but he won't do it. He says he'll take it now that he's leaving. That pisses me off even more. The whole thing blows. REally, That's all there is to it.
Anyhow, thank you for just trying to comfort me through this instead of being like, "He's an asshole anyway. You should be glad he's gone." That would probably really bother me, so I'm grateful that you haven't been doing that. He does have his good qualities. He also has flaws which make me want to chase him out of the house while beating him with a rolling pin. I don't know what will happen. I just want to have a happy home. If that can't happen with him, then it will have to happen without him.
Love, Confusia

Good Time Girl

Not having a good day so far.
-Confusia
Must have more information to equally share in your misery. Here's a little funny that should cheer you up. Steven called me last night at around 9:00 and as I was already in pjs sans make-up and ready to crash (as a head injury warrants) I ignored the call. Well, he texted me today and said, "Sorry I missed you last night. I was in your area and really wanted to see you." To which I responded: "Read=Sorry I missed you last night. I was in your area and really wanted to fuck you." Too crass?
-Terps

Just an all-over general misery. Everything is going wrong right now, or maybe it's going right, and I'm just not emotionally ready for it. I don't know. Sorry this is so cryptic. Having some personal troubles with marriage and family. Please keep me in mind. Love, Confusia
PS Not too crass. Honest. However, maybe it's not just about fucking for him, you know?

Confusia,
I'm sorry. That's all I can think to say right now. I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom. Just know that whatever happens is meant to happen for a reason, even if it takes a LONG time for that reason to become clear. It took a long time for me. Please call me if you get a chance. If nothing else, I'm a good listener. Or if you prefer, I could lay down some fat rhymes for you.
Love ya,
Terps

Laying down the rhymes is always a depression-buster, for sure. So is rum. Actually, I haven't had a drink, so I'm just talking smack here in my fantasy world. I'm too uptight right now for a drink as alcohol tends to exaggerate whatever you're currently feeling. I need to be more uptight like I need a lower paying job.
Love, Confusia

Cheese and Crackers with Good Gravy

Dear Terps, Dear Confusia, Dear Terps, now I'm confused 'cause I'm usually orange.

Cheese and Crackers! Or Good Gravy (which might have been what I said upon contact. Never mind, I said, "FUCK!") This is generally the best response for painful incidents, be they bashing one's head on a locker, or listening to Mr. Confusia telling me one more reason why his life sucks. That made my head hurt just reading it. The pain is how I know I'm still alive...sadly. OW! I can hear the somewhat metallic clang (I think the lockers are wood and plastic, but even still the metal plate in my head did cause quite a clang) Was it the metal plate, or your helmet..ha ha. ( I know I'm wrong for this, but I couldn't resist. Feel free to retaliate.)as your head connected to the locker. That sucks. Sorry it happened to you. I'd be very careful for the next few days. It's been my clutzy experience that these little injuries happen in clusters. Last month, within a three day period, I cut myself while chopping onions. The next day, I slipped (on a banana peel???)Probably on all the tears of self-pity falling from my eyes., and hit the crap out of my knee. The day after that, it was catching my toe on something hard and unyielding, though I forget what object it was (some sixth grader's head?)If ONLY!!! Would have been worth the resulting pain., exactly. So, USE EXTREME CAUTION! You are way likely to injure yourself a few more times in the next couple of days. One of life's little mysteries. In the meantime, I hope you feel better soon.

That's alot of stuff to teach. Here's stuff I teach currently, or within the past 24 hours:

1. In-School Suspension (aka prison training)
2. French Fry Cartons for Infants: How Soon is Too Soon? (Never! The answer is never!!!) They're rich in fiber, right?
3. Goblins: Fact or Fiction? (Depends on if you've been a good boy or a bad boy...) ha ha ha ha ha
4. Baby Rabbit Care (subtitled, "Guide to a Proper Bunny Funeral") (There goes Peter Cottontail)
5. Aquarium Upkeep: When All the Fish Are Belly-Up, There's a Problem. (aka Dead Man's Float: It's not just for lazy fat kids anymore) Stinky dead fish = Stinky living room. Scooping large, dead fish out of aquarium with a tiny minnow net = FUCK!
6. How to Make a Model of a Plant Cell Out of Edible Materials in Five Minutes (Don't forget the cell wall.)
Recipe:
Cell Wall= Bowl (rectangular for a plant cell)
Cell Membrane = Leftover cake cut into strips and placed around edge of bowl
Cytoplasm= Old frosting
Nucleus= one glob of cookie dough mom made in less than a minute
Chromosomes=chocolate chips in the cookie dough
Golgi Complex= chocolate coins from Easter which Mom has carefully cut into Golgi like strips
Chloroplasts= green Easter jelly beans
Ribosomes=red Easter jelly beans

Place ingredients in proper place, and then vomit as you imagine your child scarfing this down with friends the next day.

7. Proper Toilet Techniques: Moist is for Towelettes, Not for Toilet Seats (Mr. Confusia or the boy child?)
8. Phone Etiquette: When "Who is this?" Just Isn't the Right Way to Answer Mom's Phone. (Unless Mom's answering it due to texts from Confusia Jr's teen friends)
9. "Sup, Confusia Jr?", or Why Mom Hates a Million Text Msgs. From Teen Boys on Her Phone., (OMG!) IDK, BUT LIL CON BFF IS SWMC WHO NDS 2 LA OFF THE WRD "SUP" ASAP.
10.How Not to be an Asshole: or Your Meds, Your Responsibilities (aka Up yours dill weed!) I second the motion.
11.Why Leaving Your Lamp on All Night Is the Single Biggest Cause of Global Warming, and Is Killing Baby Penguins and Cute Baby Polar Bears Every Day. (Wow....that's harsh.) I don't actually tell them this, but I may start if they don't stop turning the $**^+*& light on all night.
12.Why Grasshoppers Aren't Scary, and Are, in fact, Just Like Baby Bunnies, Only Crunchier. I might need you to teach me that one. This lesson only gets taught when I'm driving, and the kids start screaming hysterically because they've just discovered that a grasshopper is in the back seat with them.

What can I say? I'm a scholar.
Love, Confusia
Love, Terps

That's Gonna Leave a Mark

Dear Confusia,
I want to start by apologizing. If I ramble or if my grammar/spelling is bad, don't judge me too harshly. I nearly knocked myself unconscious this morning. It was a total cluster fuck in the locker room at the gym this morning. Because of that, I laid my gym bag down on the floor to pull my junk out. Well, another woman left her locker door open (unbeknownst to me, obviously) and when I stood up, I whacked the fuck out of the back of my head on the bottom of the locker door. I actually thought I was going to pass out (think birdies flying around head). I tried to hide the tears that I could not control as I picked up my shit and headed to the showers. Once in the shower, I cried like a child. I mean uncontrollable, sobbing tears. It is still throbbing. Every so often I get these shudders that run down my spine for no appearant reason. I'm thinking it might be the concussion I gave myself. So, by 7:30 I had already ruined my day. I want to go home (as I've already suffered through my Shakespeare class), but I'm afraid that'd just make me weak. Maybe I should have the nurse check it.
Anyway, in response to your question about what I'm teaching next year, the better question is what aren't I teaching??? Our principal asked me back in January if I was married to special ed. She said she wanted someone to handle our leadership class for next year's eighth graders (as they are a bit of a challenge). Plus she wants that class to talk about women's health issues and birth control and stuff like that, and since I'm the poster child for birth control (wow, that sounds bad...), she thought I'd be a great person for that job. Also, I requested to teach a Greek mythology class next year. So, as of right now, I will be teaching 8th grade leadership, 7th/8th grade mythology, 6th grade humanities (the class I teach now), and 7th grade athletics (so that I can pretend to coach the volleyball team again). Next year, I dare say, I will not have near the amount of free time that this year has afforded me. You'll have to carry the bulk of the blog on your shoulders alone.
Ok, staring at the screen is giving me a wicked headache.
Later,
Terps