Why Do the Hoodlums ALWAYS Find Me?

Dear Terps,
Yesterday afternoon when I pulled up at the babysitter's house to pick up the two youngest, I noticed that one of the neighbor's kids was outside playing in the mud puddles. I went into the babysitter's house for a second, and when I got back out with the kids, I noticed that the word, "Bitch" was scrawled on my car door in mud. The neighbor's kid had moved to the other side of the yard. I put the kids in the car, and went to knock on his door. His mom answered. I said, "Hi. Your son just wrote the word 'Bitch' on my car door." She said, "Oh no. He doesn't cuss." I replied, "Well, it happened in the last three minutes, and he's the only one out here." She said, "Well, I'll ask him about it, but I know he doesn't cuss." I left. Of course, nothing was done about it, because her little darling doesn't cuss.
This morning, I dropped my son off at school, and took particular joy in the fact that my neighbor works at his school. She has morning duty in the car drop-off line. So, I drove my car, with "Bitch" still written on it, through her line. I knew that all the proper Crowley parents would raise their perfectly waxed eyebrows, and she would know that it was her son who did it. Good times. After that, I drove to the gas station and washed the door off.
Next time, I will skip the middle man, and go straight to the source. I will look at that little heathen, and say, "Your mom doesn't think you cuss, but I know you do, and guess what? So do I. So, you're going to get your little punk ass out there and wash my fucking door off, you little bastard, or I'm going to call the fucking po-lice out here to give you a ticket for vandalism, you little fuck."
Life is so much easier when you cease trying to be courteous and politically correct, don't you think?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Seems like your week has gotten off to an interesting start.
Being at work today is like torture for me. I just got off the phone with my dad who told me they had just come to get my mom and take her back for surgery prep. It just sucks to be stuck here pretending like it's just a normal day and that my mom isn't having an operation that will cause her a minimum of three months rehab, ya know? At least my two oldest borthers are there with my dad. Maybe it'll keep him from stressing out too much. Suddenly I'm just not really that interested in the sonnets these ladies are writing.
Also, we are obligated to give up half of our planning periods everyday to score applications for next years students. Neat! That is exactly what I'm dying to do.
Love, Terp
P.S. In totally unrelated new...I read on Yahoo! today that the way to look younger is to gain wieght.
Dear Terps,
Dammit, I just wrote a lovely response, and it got erased. I shall try to remember what I wrote.
I will say a prayer for your mom, but I think she'll surprise everyone with how well she does. I think she's a formidable woman who will not be content to stay off her feet. I think she'll see it as, "I have too many people to take care of, so I'm going to get up." For my money, I'd bet you all will have a fight on your hands to keep her down long enough. I don't know why so many moms are that way. It's like we're brainwashed, or have an extreme "nurture chip" implanted during the first delivery. I'm also glad your brothers are there with your dad, though, because I'm sure he's really nervous. You'll be up here this weekend, so try not to worry too much. Your brothers will be ready for a break by then, and the cavalry (ie. YOU) will arrive.
Re: gaining weight to look younger. I hope this means that I look at least ten years younger, although now I don't know if I should lose weight or not. I've often wondered about that because I've seen younger women who are thin who look older than I do. This might be due to my inability to see reality in the mirror though, so I'm not too certain. I just think that my completely flawless skin goes well with my size five hips and flat abdomen. ;)
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I guess I'm totally screwed because the only skinny part of me is my face. Imagine the luck. As for the calvary arriving...Thankfully for my parents' sakes, Michelle is going to spend the weekend there with them so she can actually do things like cook. Because unless they want to eat microwave popcorn and drink vodka tonics the whole time, I'm useless.
Love, Terp