Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Dearest Confusia,
I find grey to be my favorite color these days. I just seem to be in that kind of mood, ya know? It's kind of like being in high school again.
So about my date and the whole theory of the self-fulfilling prophecy...
I think I didn't want it to work out so I went into it with that attitude. Sometimes I think I don't want to date anyone or be in a relationship with anyone. I often wonder why the hell everybody is so into "finding someone" and shit like that. Is there something wrong with me that I just want to be left the hell alone? Because I kind of think there is something wrong with the rest of the fucking world because they all seem to think being in a relationship is the end all be all of all things wonderful. In fact, I see, hell I know, people who fall all over themselves and become something unidentifiable from what they were before just to have a significant other. And, I think some people would date the fucking Lord of the Underworld because society says being with a total prick is more acceptable than being single. I get it. Relationships are hard work, blah, blah, blah, but I think the pay off should be worth it though. Even bothering to date someone right now is more effort than I think the reward could possibly be. So, here's the really sad part. Was the date terrible? No, in fact it was great. We sat and talked nonstop for two hours about all kinds of shit. It was great. Would I do it again? Sure, if I felt like hanging out and talking to someone who might as well be my brother for all the attraction I felt towards him. So here comes the part I fucking hate. I get an email telling me what a great time he had and he'd love to get together again and it occurs to me that I actually went home last night with the mindset that maybe, just maybe, he felt that way too. Maybe he'd email me and say, "It was really fun hanging out with you. It seemed a lot to me like you and I have a lot in common and could be really good friends." But no, that's not what happened and now I feel like a horrible, awful person who is in an awkward situation that she doesn't know how to handle except for to completely avoid him at all costs, because that's how I always handle that shit. See, that's why I shouldn't date.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
The relationship thing, I think, is instinctive for most people. I mean, that's how humans, as a species, continues itself...through sex. Most people feel guilty if they have sex with random people, so they pursue relationships. For me, it's the companionship, I think. The start of a relationship always makes me neurotic, though, and I hate that. I had a very neurotic weekend, as a matter of fact. I don't know why I get like that. It's so stupid.
Have you considered maybe talking to a doctor or a counselor about any of this? I wonder if your hormones are possibly off kilter. I get kind of worried for you when I read this stuff because you're such a wonderful person, and I would love it if you would find someone really awesome. Do we have to be in a relationship to lead a decent life? No. Are you abnormal if you don't want to be in a relationship? No. However, they can make life alot richer, and that shouldn't be discounted. Having just ended a bad marriage, you'd think I'd be the one saying what you're saying, and you'd be saying what I'm saying. :) Now, it could be that personality wise, relationships just aren't that important to you. I'd just hate for you to dismiss them altogether. Relationships, no matter who they're with, force us to grow. Be they family relationships, friend relationships, or love relationships...they make us deal with different aspects of ourselves, etc. I'll give you an example.
First, with Mr. Confusia, I had to confront the part of myself that is afraid to speak up. I seriously had to let go. The last big fight we had where my windshield got broken, etc...He was trying to intimidate me into giving him his way. Normally, I might have given in just to keep the material things from getting broken, but I knew that I could not. I got to the line where I just could not give in anymore. It wasn't a fun day at all for me, but I drew my boundaries and stuck by them. It was, in the end, a learning moment.
Now, I'm in something completely new for me, which is something that proceeds slowly. It's a little difficult for me, but at the same time, I know that this is the way it's supposed to happen. You're not supposed to move in together after the third date..ha ha I am learning to be more patient. I am also learning that I can entertain myself. He was busy working this weekend, and it's been two weeks since I've had time with him. Am I thrilled about that? Not really. At the same time, though, I feel it's an important lesson for me. Patience. Controlling my impulsivity. Not being a neurotic mess. Trust. Will this relationship work out? I don't know that. But I will change and grow whether it does or not.
It's about pruning, I think, is what I'm trying to say. Trim this, encourage that, feed and water, cut off the dead branches, etc. This is how human beings grow, too.
Love, Confusia