It Feels Like I've Done This All Before

Dear Confusia,

How are you? How was your weekend? How are things at home? I would write more but I have a throbbing headache and feel really uninspired. Maybe I'll be better a little later.

Terps

Dear Terps,
I decided to respond on this post rather than do a new one because your title works so well for what I have to say.
Friday night, Mr. Confusia came over. It was just me and the baby so he ended up staying for awhile. He watched a movie with me, then one thing led to another, etc. He left Saturday morning to go fishing with a friend. He showed up last night to ask me if he could do some laundry, and he'd give me a couple of dollars for the cost of it. His demeanor was so completely different from what it had been on Friday that I got pretty upset. He seemed surprised by that. We spoke for a little while. I told him he needed to make up his mind and stop playing games with me. I asked him why he was still wearing his wedding ring. He said, "I've just grown accustomed to it." I told him that he should go ahead and take it off since he was breaking his vows to me. He tried, but it was stuck. I proceeded to pull that thing off of his hand. It took me a little while, but if I'd had to grease his hand up with peanut butter, it was coming off. I basically told him that he'd never loved me, didn't love our family, that he lied to me every time he'd said the words, "I love you." and that I was a monumental fool for ever believing him. etc. It wasn't pretty. Finally, I told him that I had to get the baby to bed, which was a pretty big hint for him to go ahead and go. After that, because apparently my eyes and nose weren't red and puffy enough, I cried myself to sleep. I again had dreams in which various people treated me like shit, and woke feeling totally ready for Monday and work, as you can imagine after such a fun night.
I really don't want to talk to anyone, or even be here. I HATE this!!! It's so not right. And yeah, maybe it's happening for a reason, and it's not like our marriage was perfect or anything because it wasn't, but it was MY marriage, you know? And to see him fuck it up, and trash his vows after six fucking months...there are no words. He should be ashamed of himself for being a quitter and a liar. If he decided that he's been a fool, which he has, and wants to come home...I don't even know how to handle that. I want to save our marriage, but only if conditions change, and he starts taking responsibility for his issues, and his moods. I just feel so lonely. Like everything I believed was a lie, and that I'm an ass. His brother is being great, though. When I told him what's been going on, he said, "No wonder I haven't seen him. He knows what I'd have to say about what he's doing. He knows I'd send his ass home." He went on to say that if I needed anything at all to let him and his wife know. That they're my family, and that that would never change.
-Confusia

Dearest Confusia,

I know that there is nothing I can say that will change this or make it better for you in this moment. I wish I could. All I can say for certain is that I love you and will do anything within my power to help you any way I can. Please let me know what I can do for you. I do believe that every trial we are faced with makes us stronger. No matter the end result of this, you will be a richer person for having experienced it. Please call me when you can.

Love, Terps

Thanks, and I'm sorry for being such a whiny baby about this lately. It's just really difficult for me. I knew there was a chance it could happen, but at the same time, I can't believe it actually is. I know I'll survive. I was actually doing better last Friday. I had pretty well dealt with it, and was just having a few residual pains. I feel like I'm starting today back at fucking square one. I'm an idiot. That's it.

Of course you know that none of this has anything to do with being an idiot. Sure, we have all done idiotic things in our life (think working for HEB ISD), but nothing you have done in this relationship makes you an idiot. Being upset and hurt and sad, all of that, it's natural. If you weren't, I'd think there was something terribly wrong with you. Trust me, I have been through this. I know it feels like you are a failure. I know that it seems like a personal insult that you aren't good enough. But honestly, Confusia, that's not the reality of it. Relationships are multi-facited. They aren't flat with black and white truths and realizations. Had either of you KNOWN undoubtedly that this WAS going to happen, then you wouldn't have done this. You took a risk. You took a chance. Now know that you are going through a learning experience. If this works out, you learn from it. If it doesn't, you learn from that as well. Everything will get easier. I'm living proof.

Yes, I do feel like a failure, and I feel like I wasn't good enough. I also feel that he didn't try, and I have some anger about that. Like, why the hell did he even ask me to marry him if he wasn't going to make a serious attempt. (And I would not call 6 months a serious attempt.) We lived together for over a year before we got married. He knew what he was in store for. Nobody held a gun to his head. So why did he make a mockery of it all??? Why did he stand at the altar and say those vows, if he knew he wasn't able to deal with it? That's how I feel. I feel like he made a fool of me, and I'm very angry about it.