I'll Take "Shoot Me Now" for $500, Alex.

Dear Terps, Dear Confusia,
I had a few great dcreams last night. Are you kidding me? I woke up so many times last night thinking about how I was going to have to write you an email telling you about that dream. Interesting...Let me tell you about them.
The first one involved Mr. Confusia handing me a book by this "great" marriage counselor type guy. In the book, this guy suggested that all wives sign contracts for their husbands promising to follow directions, and be respectful and basically, subservient. Mr. Confusia wanted me to sign the contract, and I was saying, "What? NO! I won't sign this. This is ridiculous! I'm not going to be a second class citizen in this marriage." At least you didn't sign the contract, ya know? I mean at least you can be pruod that even in your dreams you have integrity. Bottom line is...this dream sucked.
The second one involved my older sister and a party she was having. She came up to me, and suggested that she might run out of croissants and strawberries and was asking me not to eat seconds. Then she said something in French, and my other sister gasps, and says, "That's mean!" I said, "What did she say?" And she replies with a certain look, and says, "You know..."
I took that to mean that I wasn't supposed to get seconds because I'm such a lard ass...You have to ask me not to eat all the food for everybody. That is a bad dream. When I have dreams that bother me, I like to rework them when awake and make myself feel better. For instance, you could have told her that you had no intention of eating another croissant as the first was so dry it would have caused a Saint Bernard (or some other heavily slobbering dog) to choke. Then you would have picked up a bottle of Perrier (or whatever pretentious French-type beverage being served) and thrown it in her face as you walk out with the best looking mime in attendance. Bottom line...this dream sucked, too.
The third dream involved me buying shirts for my daughter and Isaac's half-sister. Neither of them liked the shirts, and the half-sister said, "Couldn't you have just bought me a big, orange jacket instead?" I was pissed because I'd done something nice for them, and they were totally ungrateful. And the lesson to be learned here is no good deed goes unpunished. Maybe it was an honest reminder to you to stop being so nice and considerate. I know that sounds awful, but you know what I mean, right? Maybe it's one of those, "Looking out for yourself and doing something for you is sometimes ok" reminders. Maybe?
My question is, "Why do I have to have dreams like this?" I mean, if I wanted to take a bunch of crap from people 24-7, I would just stay awake. Tonight, I'd like to just special order a hot dream with Adrien Brody, if that would be okay... OK, well here goes my dream. I had a dream that I was so angry at someone that we both know but who shall remain nameless at this time had annoyed me so badly that I started pummeling her. I was really giving her the smackdown of a lifetime. Then I would wake up, think to myself, "Hhhmmm, that's odd as I'm not even annoyed with her right now," and then go back to sleep and continue to beat the shit out of her. Very odd.
Now, I get to work, and I've got the worst two kids in school who are already doing their best to give me the most ginormous fucking headache of all fucking time. Is the swearing necessary, you ask? OMG!!! HEEELLLLLPPPP MMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!
Love, Confusia

This is the conversation I'm currently engaged in. Let me transcribe: Let me translate:
AC: Can I go to the office?
Me: No. Sadly, no.
AC: Why not?
Me: Because you've already been there. They sent you here. Because they hate you and me both
AC: But I need to go:
Me: They don't want you there. Just like your parents don't want you at home. Because they don't love you and never have. Stop banging your desk. Before I crack it over your head.
AC: Can I get another infraction so I can go to the office?
Me: No. Don't ask me again. Or I will get an infraction which will land me in jail.
AC:Man, I want to go to the office....
Me: I'm not going to tell you again. Stop banging the desk. You break it, you buy it. And I will gladly take the cost of it out of your hide.
AC: Sorry, ya. How much does it cost?
Me: You need to get a book and be reading. Not that you know how to read, but...
AC: I don't have one.
Me: You can come get one.
AC: I already read all of them.
Me: I doubt that. Oh, well since you've read them all, I need someone to write book reports about each of the books so that other students will have an idea what the books are about when they get sent here for acting like assholes as you have. Which one would you like to start with?

On and on it goes...Pray for this young man today. My fingers are itching...
-Confusia (who is not at all confused about what punishments she would inflict on this young person(?))

In Terpsichore World...I had another doctors appointment to try to determine what is wrong with me as I think I might be slowly bleeding to death. Good times!
Also, I just bought a plan ticket to fly to Dallas the weekend of April 25th. I don't know if you'll have any chance of getting together, but if you can, let me know.


Geez! I'm seeing spots from trying to read the light torquoise or however you spell that word. Yes, yes, I'm glad you like it. I find it most pleasant sandwiched in here between your rows of orange, yes?
I loved the translations. All of them true. Great minds think alike. You and I have had far too many like work experiences for me to not know your true meanings. When the other kid couldn't do his science busy work without asking me a TRILLION questions, I assigned him a 1 1/2 page on what Scienc'es next great discovery should be, and why. "What should I write about?" ARRGGHH!
Here, let me think for you. How do you even effing figure out how to breathe? Would you like me to do that for you, too? Can you wipe your own ass? I kid you not, Terps. I need some meds today!!!! Them or me, as you once so aptly put it. A quote that I have used countless times in my life. "Either the kid or me on Adderall NOW! And I mean that!"
I think tonight, rather than a hot dream about Adrien Brody, I want to have your dream that I'm beating the shit out of someone. THAT sounds great!!! What a wonderful stress reliever! So much nicer than being controlled, being told you're an enormous freak who eats everybody's food, and listening to a bunch of whining. I will say that it was quite satisfying and I don't even want to beat this particular person. I can only imagine how nice it would be if you wanted to mangle someone.
Well, I'm off to lunch. I'm going to strap on the old pig snout and snuffle my way through all the lunch bags in the Teacher's Lounge fridge. Speaking of, I was going to ask you earlier if you thought potato chips and coffee were a healthy breakfast...
-Confusia -Terps

Terps,
Have I profiled my other star pupil today? Seriously, am I on Candid Camera???
This kid has asked me at least 1.3 million questions so far. I finally just had to tell him that I would not answer any more questions, listen to any more comments. If I hear his voice anymore today, I'm going to go apeshit. For real.