Cheese and Crackers! Or Good Gravy (which might have been what I said upon contact. Never mind, I said, "FUCK!") This is generally the best response for painful incidents, be they bashing one's head on a locker, or listening to Mr. Confusia telling me one more reason why his life sucks. That made my head hurt just reading it. The pain is how I know I'm still alive...sadly. OW! I can hear the somewhat metallic clang (I think the lockers are wood and plastic, but even still the metal plate in my head did cause quite a clang) Was it the metal plate, or your helmet..ha ha. ( I know I'm wrong for this, but I couldn't resist. Feel free to retaliate.)as your head connected to the locker. That sucks. Sorry it happened to you. I'd be very careful for the next few days. It's been my clutzy experience that these little injuries happen in clusters. Last month, within a three day period, I cut myself while chopping onions. The next day, I slipped (on a banana peel???)Probably on all the tears of self-pity falling from my eyes., and hit the crap out of my knee. The day after that, it was catching my toe on something hard and unyielding, though I forget what object it was (some sixth grader's head?)If ONLY!!! Would have been worth the resulting pain., exactly. So, USE EXTREME CAUTION! You are way likely to injure yourself a few more times in the next couple of days. One of life's little mysteries. In the meantime, I hope you feel better soon.
That's alot of stuff to teach. Here's stuff I teach currently, or within the past 24 hours:
1. In-School Suspension (aka prison training)
2. French Fry Cartons for Infants: How Soon is Too Soon? (Never! The answer is never!!!) They're rich in fiber, right?
3. Goblins: Fact or Fiction? (Depends on if you've been a good boy or a bad boy...) ha ha ha ha ha
4. Baby Rabbit Care (subtitled, "Guide to a Proper Bunny Funeral") (There goes Peter Cottontail)
5. Aquarium Upkeep: When All the Fish Are Belly-Up, There's a Problem. (aka Dead Man's Float: It's not just for lazy fat kids anymore) Stinky dead fish = Stinky living room. Scooping large, dead fish out of aquarium with a tiny minnow net = FUCK!
6. How to Make a Model of a Plant Cell Out of Edible Materials in Five Minutes (Don't forget the cell wall.)
Recipe:
Cell Wall= Bowl (rectangular for a plant cell)
Cell Membrane = Leftover cake cut into strips and placed around edge of bowl
Cytoplasm= Old frosting
Nucleus= one glob of cookie dough mom made in less than a minute
Chromosomes=chocolate chips in the cookie dough
Golgi Complex= chocolate coins from Easter which Mom has carefully cut into Golgi like strips
Chloroplasts= green Easter jelly beans
Ribosomes=red Easter jelly beans
Place ingredients in proper place, and then vomit as you imagine your child scarfing this down with friends the next day.
7. Proper Toilet Techniques: Moist is for Towelettes, Not for Toilet Seats (Mr. Confusia or the boy child?)8. Phone Etiquette: When "Who is this?" Just Isn't the Right Way to Answer Mom's Phone. (Unless Mom's answering it due to texts from Confusia Jr's teen friends)
9. "Sup, Confusia Jr?", or Why Mom Hates a Million Text Msgs. From Teen Boys on Her Phone., (OMG!) IDK, BUT LIL CON BFF IS SWMC WHO NDS 2 LA OFF THE WRD "SUP" ASAP.
10.How Not to be an Asshole: or Your Meds, Your Responsibilities (aka Up yours dill weed!) I second the motion.
11.Why Leaving Your Lamp on All Night Is the Single Biggest Cause of Global Warming, and Is Killing Baby Penguins and Cute Baby Polar Bears Every Day. (Wow....that's harsh.) I don't actually tell them this, but I may start if they don't stop turning the $**^+*& light on all night.
12.Why Grasshoppers Aren't Scary, and Are, in fact, Just Like Baby Bunnies, Only Crunchier. I might need you to teach me that one. This lesson only gets taught when I'm driving, and the kids start screaming hysterically because they've just discovered that a grasshopper is in the back seat with them.
What can I say? I'm a scholar.
Love, Confusia
Love, Terps
1 comment:
Impressive list. I bow at your feet.
Post a Comment