At a Loss...Yet the Drama Unfolds at Confusia's

Dear Confusia,

It seems that Regan wants something more from us, but my life is pretty much at a stand still right now. If I write anything it'll just be more of the same old boring junk. How about you? Anything new?

Terps

Wow...I responded to this whole thing and it disappeared. I don't have it in me to do it again. Fucking, what the bloody hell happened? It was there when I saved and posted. Any idea?
I have no idea, but that sucks. Now what do I do???
Save yourself, because nobody else will do it for you. (And I know that sounds so awful, but...)


Oh, words cannot express, Terps, but I will give it my best shot.
Now, to me, drama can get a little tiresome, so I apologize if my woes of yesterday are irritating to our dear friend Regan...however, understanding boredom like I do...I shall endeavor to entertain.
AS you know, Mr. Confusia (hereafter in this post to be referred to as AC, and we all know what that stands for) offered to watch the kids last week so I could get out of the house. On Wednesday of last week, I asked him if he could do so on Thursday. He refused with the response, "Why should I?" Indeed. I was, as could be expected, bothered by that. I told him he is not being a man of his word. (Was I wrong?) He said, "Well, in that case, I won't pay for the baby's child care anymore, either." And then he left. Friday afternoon he shows up to pay back the $20 I'd loaned him, and I tell him that he needs to pay the child care for the baby's good. Honestly, if I lose my job, what will happen to the baby? Am I asking him for more than his share of responsibility for a life he helped create??? He gave me $60. This was after telling me he'd pay $125, and after he brought that down to $100. I mean, the dude is sleeping in his truck. What is he spending the money on, you know what I mean?
Sunday night, he calls me and tells me he'll bring the rest of the money to me. He never shows up. Monday afternoon he shows up looking like something the cat dragged in...he'd been drinking, looked like he hadn't bathed in a few days, etc. He tells me he spent the rest of the money at a girlie club. He tells me that he doesn't know if he can continue to pay child care because if his needs aren't met soon, he's going to have to pay someone for sex. This is very sad to see...a decent guy rolling downhill so fast and so willfully. You just want to shake him!!! I tell him, "So, paying someone for sex is more important than taking care of your child?" We start to get into it...He starts to take off. I stop him and say, "Look, for everyone's sake we need to try to keep this aboveboard. If you want the divorce, I'll go online tomorrow and see what I can find out about how to get a divorce. Whatever happens, we need to do what is best for the kids, and for us. He apologizes, gives me a big hug, pats my back, etc. He ends up coming over for dinner.
Then he stays over. Big mistake. But then, I'm sure you could see that big mistake coming.
Yesterday afternoon, I get a call from him. He's at a bar, and he invites me up to play a game of pool with him. I thought, "Wow. This could be a sign that he's starting to pull it together!" I meet him at the bar. As soon as I walk in, he's hugging and kissing me, flirting with me, etc. We play a game of pool...we're having a good time together. Then we sit down to play a computer game together. We play some game called, "Carnal Knowledge" which is a trivia game. Well, due to alot of lucky guesses, and common sense, I get the high score. This pisses him off no end. "Oh, so you going to start telling me stories now...oh, you've been with more people than me..."
I interrupt to say, "Alright. It's time for me to go. Be careful getting home. If you need anything, give me a call." Because I'm still trying to be decent, you know? I refuse to lower myself. I will not do it. I just barely get home, and Bella tells me the bar called and they need someone to pick AC up because he's too drunk to drive. I go back to get him. Now I've got to babysit drunk AC.
WAIT!!!!!! You can't just leave me hanging here. What is this? You're jumping the shark???
Sorry, I had to go do some filing. I meant to hit "Save", but I hit "Publish" instead.
So, I pick him up. He hangs his head out the window all the way home. We get home, and he crawls out the car window and staggers into the house. He goes up and hugs Confusia Jr., who looks pissed beyond belief. My son doesn't know what's going on so he's just being his usual loving, accepting self. AC goes into our bedroom, presumably to either vomit, or fall into bed. Con. Jr. tells me she needs to talk to me in private. I go with her to the other bathroom. She tells me, "Mom, the guy from the bar who called to say Dad needed a ride home called back. He wanted to talk to you. He said that you need to get the ___ away from 'this guy'. He said that he (AC) sat at the bar and talked bad about you for almost an hour. He said that you shouldn't stay with 'this guy', and that if you needed to talk to him, or if you needed help with anything to call him back. He was really nice." I said, "Well, it was nice of him to call. I'll call him back when I can. In the meantime, let's just take care of each other, okay?" and I gave her a hug. We went back to the kitchen to finish getting dinner on the table. I go to check on AC. He was lying on the bathroom floor with his eyes wide open, his pants down, and had his favorite body part hanging out of his shorts. Nice. I kid you not, he wasn't blinking and I thought he was dead for a second. I put my hand on his chest to check for a heartbeat or a pulse. He didn't move, and still didn't blink. I felt his heart beating, so I went to take off his boots so I could get him into the bed and go back and get the kids eating dinner. I struggled with him to get him to the bed. I almost had to carry him there. I get him in, then go back to have dinner with the kids. While we were eating, AC comes into the kitchen and wants to eat with us. Sure, because he needs something to help him sober the fuck up. He comes in and decides that since there are no rolls, he needs to go to the store to get some. He goes to get my keys, which Con. Jr. gets from him even before I do.
He then tells me he's going to walk to the store and asks my son if he wants to go. My son says, "Yeah!" because he still doesn't understand. I say, "Son, considering that he's in his underwear, and the police will probably be called when he gets to the store, you might want to stay here." He says, "Uh, okay." because clearly my five year old son has more sense than AC.
After dinner, I find AC lying in my bed. He's looking very serious, and he looked at me and said, "I'm fucked up." I said, "I know." and he points to his head, and says, "In here. I'm fucked up." I looked at him very sadly, and said, "Yes. I know. Maybe you should take your medicine like the doctor thought you should." He said, "No. I won't do it." Then, I suggest, "Maybe counseling. Not for the marriage, but just for yourself." He says, "No." Then gets up, goes into the bathroom, gets his clothes and boots back on. By that time, I was sitting on the couch reading the kids a bedtime story. AC walked out the door.
At almost 11 PM, he knocked on my window. I went to open the door, and he's brought his truck back. He says he needs to get some stuff to pawn. By that time, the kids are asleep, I had gone to bed, etc. Con. Jr. wakes up, and is like, "What's going on?" He started unhooking his stereo nad goes to carry it out to his car. When he came back in, I said, "Look, you can't do this right now. It's almost 11. The kids are asleep. I can't have this right now. You can come back after work tomorrow and get whatever you need, but I need to look out for the kids right now. He walked past me into our bedroom. I follow him and repeat it. He asked me, "Where are your tax returns?" WTF? He says, "I'm going to call the school superintendent on you. You'll be needing whatever money you can get." So, after all the kindness I've shown him, he's telling me he's going to try to get me fired. He said, "You won't see me after tomorrow." etc. Then he left.
I called his job this morning to see if he got there okay, and he had. Then I came to work.
This is so sad for me to see. A normal, pretty decent guy, who, albeit is insecure often, still has a good heart, and has tried to do the right thing...he is crashing and burning...self-destructing worse every day. His twin brother just called me to check on how things are doing, and I told him that I am seriously worried about AC. (Yes, I know I've given him a not-nice nickname on this post, but you have to admit, he earned it last night.) I am willing now to throw in the towel on our marriage, but as a human being with compassion, and as the mother of his child, I don't want to see him end up dead. His depression is going untreated, except with alcohol, and it's only a matter of time before a bar DOESN'T call me to pick him up. He'll end up dead, or worse, killing someone else, and ending up in prison. His brother said that their whole family knows how hard I'm trying. They've all tried to talk to AC about the choices he's making without much success. He lives 400 miles away, so he's limited in how much he can do. He suggested that I go with my first impulse, which is to alert AC's mom and older brother as to what's happening, so that they can try to intervene. His twin said, "Yeah, it looks like what started as a slow roll downhill is turning into a steep cliff. We need a game plan." His family is being super supportive of me...telling me how much they love me, and that I'll always be family to them...thanking me for trying so hard to be a good wife to him, etc. It's a mess.
Apparently, the reason he wants me to get fired is because he doesn't want to pay the likely $300 in child support he'd have to pay each month. None of what he said last night made alot of sense, as drunk as he was, but he said something like, "Yeah, you'll need $300." and he said that he was going to get an attorney. I just treated him like I would treat an ED kid..."Okay. That's fine. You do what you feel the need to do."etc. After all, what the hell is the use of arguing with a drunk guy?
Bottom line is: Maybe it's good in a sense that this is happening, as it's making his leaving much easier for me to bear. ( "Oh, you want to go? Okay! Bye-Bye! Send me a postcard!" as I smile and wave to him from the door.) On the other hand, (always a Libra's favorite expression..) he is losing his MIND! I think I'm going to alert the landlord to the situation. He said the last time AC left, that he would make sure I was protected. I don't want to feel like I need to be protected, but if the downward spiral continues, where do we go from here, you know? Do I become the person responsible for all of his problems, and so he should just get rid of me? I don't think it will come to that, but at the same time, I bet there have been lots of women who never thought it would come to that. When the hell did my life get this fucked up? I mean, I thought it was fucked up before, but now I realize that it was perfectly normal and blissful.
I'm going to try to meet with his mom and brother tonight. Then his twin wants me to call him back and let him know what happened. I think I'm going to continue to keep the kids and me busy each afternoon so we're not at home. I don't need the drama, and neither do they.

So, Terps, that's what's been going on with me. Fun, yes? And poor, poor Regan will never tell us she's bored again..ha ha She is, at this very moment, going to find her stash of Tylenol! ha ha
(Aren't you, Regan...:)