Dear Confusia,
It's been two weeks since we were doing the blog thing. You've no idea how I've missed you. I have a new problem for you to help me with. I don't know if I ever told you about the guy that I sort of "went out" (read had a lot of sex) with named Steven who was a baseball player and considerably younger than me? (Maybe not quite the difference between Mr. and Mrs. Confusia, but still...) Anyway, I finally called it off over a year ago because I just felt like I should stop "seeing" him. Well, he contacted me last week. Here's the dilemma:
It's like, wait, let me think of a good analogy here...
OK, it's like eating cake...it's just sooooo damn good that no matter how bad you know it is for you, you just want to fucking devour it, ya know?
And in essence, that's not entirely the same because the cake doesn't feel one way or the other about you and whether you eat it or not. But it at least tells you where I'm coming from.
Here's the thing. I feel like I have spent most of my life doing the "right" thing and not hurting anyone else purposely. So, if I know that he wants more from me and that I couldn't give it back I'd feel like shit if I strung him along. BUT, at what point am I NOT the responsible party anymore? If I told him, "You know what, Steven, having sex with you is great. If that's what we're doing here, ok. However, if you think this might develop into something more, I don't and I don't want to give you the wrong impression. If you really want more from me then we need to call this off." OK, so I've laid it out there. He knows how I feel. Now, if he says that's ok with him, even though it's not and he thinks it might become more, then isn't that HIS problem. Am I leading him on at that point? I mean, I hate to be crass, but what if I just want to have sex with him because I know it's good. It's like that cake. I want it. I've been forthcoming and upfront. If he wants more from me and isn't comfortable with what it is, then he has the right to opt out. Why do I HAVE to be the person responsible for HIS welfare. Is it possible that being honest and telling him how I feel is enough? Whatever decision he makes based on having ALL the facts lies squarely on his shoulders, right? Why isn't it ok for me to say, "Steven, I'll gladly keep seeing you so long as we keep it light. If you want a relationship, you have to go elsewhere. You won't make me mad or hurt my feelings either way." If he takes his chances and hangs around, then it's his risk, yes???
I know that sounds terrible, but I'm going to be totally frank with you. He's pretty good. So call me selfish, but if he wants to be with me, it almost seems foolish to turn him down. However, if he knows what he's getting into and makes that choice anyway, then ok, he made his bed (so to speak) and we can both lie down in it.
It would be one thing if I told him there was a chance, but I haven't.
So am I awful?
Terpsichore
PS How was your Spring Break?
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2 comments:
You're not awful, but I do understand your dilemma. You're clearly a woman with a soul. This sounds almost identical to what my brother went through, repeatedly, in his 20s. For him, the problem was that most women his own age were hearing their biological clocks ticking. He knew he wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down, or if he ever would be. He said all those same things to every woman, but inevitably, feelings developed and he was in a place where he had to make the, "it's not you, it's me," speech. He felt bad, but it was true. He didn't want to keep any of these women from finding husbands/fathers for their future children. Now, your situation is a little different. I suppose if you've said it all, then it really is on him. He may be hoping that you'll change your mind, but so be it! The nice thing with this gender reversal is that if 10 years of sexual bliss go by for you two, and then you decide to part ways amicably, he can still have kids. I think you've been more than adult, fair and kind. But that's just me.
Thank God you guys are back to blogging. I was bored and lonely!
BTW, how big is the diff between the Confusias?
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