Dear Terps, Dear Confusia, Dear Terps,
Today, I am in a foul mood. Here are the reasons...
A. For about a week now, I've been freaking out because my monthly friend is overdue. Now, here's the thing: I have the Mirena thing which can make you not have a monthly friend at all, but has not affected me that way before this. In fact, it usually makes it much worse. This month, though, nothing. So, naturally, knowing how skilled I am at getting pregnant, I'm freaking out. I've done two pregnancy tests so far, and they're both negative. (Whew...) When I went into the store to buy them (wait...you had to go to the store and buy them? You don't just have a three pack in the cabinet under your sink? If you lived closer to me, I could have given you enough for one a day until you either a. believed you weren't pregnant or b. went to Planned Parenthood and had them do one there to assure you)Next time, I'll just come over to your house, and we'll have a pregnancy test part-AY, the pharmacist said, "So, are you nervous?" Is the Pope Catholic? I said, "Yeah. I've got a six month old at home already." Anyway, yippee! They turned out negative, which is great, but I'm thinking today may be the day old Aunt Flo comes for a visit....JUST as I'm supposed to go on a camping trip this weekend. Rock on. (I bet the S'Mores will taste really good!)and the two AM uphill walks to the bathroom in the rain even better. Bring it on.
B. Confusia Jr. had her hopes up earlier this week that this kid she was "going out with" earlier this year would go out with her again. Yesterday, when she asked him about it, he said, "No, Man." and walked away from her. So she had her heart broken...and is taking it out on all the rest of us. Good times. I'm at the point where I'm about to go find this kid, and tell him that he IS going to go out with her, and I don't give a damn what he thinks about it..ha ha (Oh God! I never even thought about how awful it must be to think about that shit not only at work but at home too. I feel for you!)You have no idea how sorry for myself I feel about this...surrounded by 6th graders 24-effing 7. I was a really, really bad girl in a past life.
C. Just a bunch of general pet peeves really bothering me lately.
1. Housework...what the hell? Does it ever just stay done??? (Perhaps you could laminate everything in your house and then just hose it off once a week???)Why didn't I think of this myself? Pure genius.
2. It seems I'm developing a flabby neck. I look in the mirror, and I see a turkey. This is a
sign of aging that is just NOT okay. Do you know of any exercises for your chin and neck? (You've seen my chin, right? I do not think you want to be getting advice about chins from anyone with one that looks like it's on steroids!)
What are you supposed to do about this? Send your neck jogging??? Why, Gravity?
WHY? What the fuck did I ever do to you???
3. This cold that won't go away. Cough, sneeze, dribble... (AT least it's just a cold. If it were me I would have decided that it's full-blown AIDS.)Didn't your roommate have this at one point? ha ha
4. Work. Not really a pet peeve, but grates on me like one. (More a necessary evil I'd say.)
I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I would just decide to get drunk, but then I think, "All the calories from the liquor is going to make my flabby neck worse!" (But once you start drinking, you forget that you care!!!) So I don't even have that to ease my troubles. Shopping? Why? So I can get more depressed by trying to determine which is flabbier...my ass or my neck? Plastic Surgery? I've already visited a web site or two, but they're too expensive. I'm going to have to go with Plan A and perfect my At-Home
Plastic Surgery techniques. Hello, filet knife and vacuum attachment. (I remember once being in my RAV4 driving down some street in New Orleans talking about if we were on Extreme Makeover all the shit would have done. Do you remember that? Dammit! Why'd they take that show off the air???)I've been daydreaming about this show, let me assure you. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, since I know that irritable, grumpy, pissed off misery loves company, please know that I too am having a shitty day. Usually, most people LOVE Fridays. In fact, many of those people will leave work at 5:00 to go enjoy Happy Hour somewhere. Once they get to their destination, they will find that their server is a bitchy, cranky, tired, irritable, grumpy, tired OLD hag who would just as soon drink gasoline as serve them. In other words, I have to be at work at 4:15 today. And I can't even take the opportunity to get drunk while there because I have to be back here tomorrow morning. CRAP! Screw it and get drunk anyway. If you show up at school job on Saturday smelling like a brewery and acting a little odd, maybe they won't expect you to show up on a frikkin' Saturday again. What's their problem??
Love, Confusia the Grouch
Love, Terpsichore
Love, Confusia
3 comments:
I know an exercise for your chin and neck, but it could get you knocked up again. ;)
What's the problem with camping on your period? They don't allow tampons in state parks?
What exercise is that?! The only one my beloved here is suggesting is one that really only benefits Mr. Confusia.
Unfortunately, that exercise hasn't done me alot of good so far, and perhaps it's even contributed to the problem. Has there ever been a study on this?? :) I agree with Regan that Mr. Confusia would benefit, though. Camping on the rag is just a million times more inconvenient.
-Confusia
Post a Comment