Testing...

Dear Confusia,
Yep, that's right. We're testing today. I forgot what it's like to teach a grade level in which they can't pass to the next grade if they don't pass the standardized tests. Testing starts early and happens frequently. Oh and of course I shouldn't be on my computer. I should be walking around, distracting the girls while they test. Ugh! At least when I taught special ed I could read the test aloud to them. It gave me something to do. But this...oh God!
So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I was getting these weird spasms in my gut that felt like gall stones. I knew it couldn't be that, because I don't have a gall bladder, but it sucked and scared the pee out of me. Turns out it was nothing. A little acid reflux from going to bed with food in my stomach. No biggie. But here's the deal. I gave up processed food for the New Year, and I've lost some weight. Well, I'd set a number in my head that I thought would be a good weight for me. At the doctor's office yesterday I learned that I reached that number. The problem...I STILL hate my body. I was talking to two other teachers about it this morning and they told me that I absolutely shouldn't lose another pound, but when I look at myself I see this fat, frumpy cow. I mean what gives? How do I handle that? Out of all the reasons anyone has ever had for me to see a therapist, this is the only one that I'm thinking might be worthy. What do you think?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
My first thought about this is wondering why it's so important to you not to look like a "fat, frumpy cow." I just wonder about that. Is it a fear of what people will think of you? Is it a fear that you won't be as good as somebody else if you're fat? Is it a fear of being unhealthy? Of being out of control? Of not being attractive? These are the questions I would have. As you know, this isn't a problem that I have. I have the exact opposite problem, but in thinking about why someone would hate her body, these are reasons I would consider. It might be something completely different, so keep in mind I'm winging it here...It's strange in a way, but I think probably because I've given birth, I have this sense of how amazing the female body is, and the unbelievable power that it has. I became quite a bit more relaxed about my body after I had a baby, and I think that's a common feeling. Since you haven't had a baby, I know that's not really a cure for you, but your athleticism might be able to give you the same feeling. If you take pride not merely in what your body looks like, but rather in what it can DO, that might help. Does that make sense? It might be a way to start overcoming your body hatred. I mean, GEEZ! Your body just did a 10K! How fat and frumpy could you possibly be? How many cows do you know that run 10K's?? I know from our days doing the exercises with the students in R-3 that you're plenty flexible, you don't have asthma, diabetes, or any of the other myriad problems that plague heavier people. Your body is healthy. You should be proud of that. All I'm saying is that it's a beginning. If the hatred continues then I think you should see a therapist about it because I can't think of many things sadder than for someone to hate her own body. It's so much a part of who we are, and we depend on it every second of every day, that to hate it would be a hardship every minute of the year. We should be friends with our bodies as best we can. It would be different if you hated your body because it failed you in some way (ie. epilepsy, diabetes, cancer, etc.) Then the frustration would be more because of betrayal, I suspect. Do you feel that your body has betrayed you in some way? I'm curious about how you feel about that.
On another note, I went out with my friend this weekend, and I finally had the guts to ask if this was a monogamous thing. I was hoping it was because I don't like the idea of "playing the field". I was worried about bringing it up because I didn't want him to feel I was trying to somehow put a leash on him or whatever. So I asked him about it, and he replied that yes, it was. or why? If you've found someone you like better, etc. I found that so indicative of the difference in the thought processes of men and women. I thought he was going to think one way, but he thought I was asking because I wanted to see someone else. I swear we need an intergender translating machine to carry around with us. I was stunned that he thought I wanted to see someone else. I was like, "My God, after you everyone else would be boring!" That's true. I can't imagine anyone else being as fascinating because I never know what he'll say or do. Just when I think I've got a grasp on his personality, he'll show yet another side of himself. It's utterly captivating! :) He is amazing.
So do you have any good Easter plans? Mine will involve cleaning up the incredibly huge mess that the kids make decorating their Easter eggs. That's always fun. It is just wrong that all of those Easter egg coloring kits have the pictures of beautifully colored eggs sitting in a nice, clean Easter basket in a nice, clean environment. Those eggs are done by professional artists, NOT by six year olds, or THIRTY-six year olds for that matter. That's right, I can't even make an egg look like the ones on the package. What I can do is mop up the mess when the inevitable dye spill happens. I can try my best to scrub the blue and green stains off of the kids' (and my own) hands, but fail. I can attempt to get all the glitter pieces off of the table and floor. I can wipe up the tears when the favorite egg that the child worked on for thirty minutes rolls off the table and cracks on the floor. I want to know who invented dying Easter eggs because I really want to have a chat with him/her. I think you should drive up this Saturday and join in the fun! I mean, you assisted me with five pages of stickers for the Barbie Townhouse from Hell. (" Uh, I've got a cat face sticker here. Any ideas???) Why not this, too?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I've weighed 100 pounds more than I do right now. Suffice it to say that I don't expect my body to be well-behaved. It's proven itself to get out of hand before. And I KNOW that it wasn't my body that did that, it was my mind. But, as you know, the mind is a wonderfully complex machine that can convince us of anything. It was my mind that told my body it WOULD run every step of that 10K. It is my mind that tells me when to pick up that fork and better yet when to lay it down. Back in the day, it was my mind that let me make all those decisions that caused me to be 100 pounds heavier than I am now. It is also my mind that blames my body for that. It is my mind that says, "You look fat. You aren't thin enough. You aren't healthy. If you don't watch what you eat you'll end up with diabetes, cancer, etc." I think it is some defense mechanism that my mind has established to save itself from itself. So long as it can always find a flaw, it'll keep moving in the right direction.
I viewed myself for 24 years as morbidly obese. I saw that image everyday for 24 years. My mind can't shake that image. I don't even necessarily want to lose that image. I need it to keep me from going back. However, I need some clue about the reality of my actual body, not the one emblazened in my psyche. I think that's the hurdle I need help getting over.
As for my Easter plans, they include sitting on my couch and watching TV. Easter is a very sacred holiday for me indeed...
Terps