See this little piece of machinery? Please avoid.

Dear Terps,

Above you will see a picture of an I.U.D., also known as a pregnancy enabler. As I mentioned to you earlier this week, mine apparently just...fell out. Disappeared into thin air. Vanished. I don't get this. It looks like a little crossbow that will shoot down any reproductive cells that get in it's way, and that's what it was supposed to do. A sort of "Zygote Invaders" video game plot, if you will. Instead, the damn thing fell out. How did I not notice this? I know the damn thing is tiny, but still, how did I not notice? I went to the doctor again yesterday (a different one) and he was shocked...SHOCKED! He said, "You are the first patient I've ever seen this happen to!" Yes, that's right. I am in that very special .0000000000000001 fucking percent. Aren't you jealous? I called the makers of this device and explained exactly how fourth dimensionally pissed I am about this. They were very sympathetic, offered to replace it free of charge. Yeah, because I want it to happen again, right? The doctor was a little smarter. He suggested, instead, a tubal ligation, which is EXACTLY what I intend to do. As long as co-pay isn't too much. He said since we don't know why this one came out, it would be kind of stupid to put another one in. So, income tax, hopefully only $100, will go this year to making me STERILE once and for all! It cannot happen too soon as far as I'm concerned.

The divorce is definitely on. I plan on filing early next week, and NOTHING will change my mind. I have come to the realization that I'd rather be married to marylin manson than him. He can fuck himself while simultaneously going to hell. That's how I feel.

Love, Confusia

Dearest Confusia,

I'm glad it's Friday too. Yes, the weather here is also cold, but the weekend looks promising.

So, you seem a little annoyed, and rightfully so. Have you contacted your insurance company about the co-pay for the procedure? I think that might be your best option. Let me know as you find out more about it. I actually did some Internet research and found that Mirena elpulsion happens more than you might realize. There were lots of women on message boards discussing it. Some of them were happy, however, because losing it had helped them with weight management. Of course, had they gotten pregnant, I guess there would be some weight gain...

Now, as for the divorce, clearly something more had happened to push you from serious consideration to filing next week. If you feel comfortable please share, if not here, via email.

Lastly, our new number one fan, Frank, is DYING to meet us. He insists that since we both live in Austin and you live only a few miles north (a few when you consider how many miles the Earth's circumference measures) you should come here for a "Meet Your Fan(s)" event. He has also recommended that we road trip it to Atlanta, but as I haven't been able to get you to Austin in over two years, I don't think Atlanta is doable in the near future. Plus, I hear rumor it 12 degrees there, so no thanks. Anyway, for Frank's sake, do you think you could plan a trip to Austin anytime in the near(ish) future?

I'm so glad we have a three day weekend!

Dear Terps,

If Frank feels he has the stomach for it, who am I to deny him the tremendously frightening experience of meeting us. (Frank, please, for your own sake, drink plenty, and put money aside for that retinal repair surgery you're going to need.) I will try to arrange a time soon when I can make it down. I haven't been for quite a while, it's true, and after this week from hell, I feel the need to either get out of town or have a lobotomy. Yes. It's been that good. I know I'm booked through next weekend. After that, I could probably plan something. Mid-February perhaps?? That way, we can plan a Valentine's Day rebellion. Burn Cupid in effigy, picket Hallmark, whatever we need to do.

Well, you are correct in that a few other things happened, but I don't know that I can really do them the justice they deserve. Suffice it to say, they are the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, or perhaps I should say a few more final nails...I just don't give a damn anymore. He has finally agreed and realized that there is no going back, so I can go ahead and file without fear that he will do anything bat shit crazy. That's good at least.

In the meantime, the VP needs my help in the office right now, so have to run. Will talk more later. Love, confusia

Dear Confusia,

Well, the upside is that it seems like you're coming for a visit! Yippee! Frank has no idea what he's in for!!!! (Insert wicked laughter here...) But when scheduling that, PLEASE remember that I will be up there the weekend of Valentine's because of my mom's surgery. Perhaps the weekend following that? Just let me know.

So, I wish I had more information about your divorce situation. I'm curious as to what's happened to cause you to know that he won't go bat shit crazy. Maybe you can call me if you get a chance this weekend.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I just wish it was an hour later. Here's hoping that your weekend is a good one.

Love ya, Terps

Dear Terps,

Could this work day get any longer? I want to do something fun tonight. I want to get drunk and silly. I want to pretend my life is perfect just for a little while. I have got to figure out something to do tonight if I possibly can.

Dear Confusia,

It's almost comical how fucking long this whole week has felt. It's too bad you can't just jump in your car and come down this weekend. I seem to remember an MLK weekend you came down once before. (Uhm, I kind of remember it.) Ah, those were the good old days... (SIGH!)