Dearest Confusia,
So funny to log on here and see that you started a blog with this title. I might have mentioned to you yesterday that our staff party is tomorrow night. I guess I'm going to go, but I'm less excited about it than I was last year. I think the reason I'm less excited about it is that there aren't as many wild and weird types (such as ourselves) so I have to carry the weight of the whole group, ya know? Anyway, last year I went to the party equipped with my two favorite party items, guacamole and vodka. Sadly, I didn't bring enough of either. I guess this year I will at least be better prepared. I have to come up with a white elephant gift as well. Last year, I brought what I thought was the best possible white elephant gift. It was a stocking filled with all of the "Greatest Teacher" type ornaments that I have received over the last ten years. Sadly, that's not something I can repeat again for another ten years. Any ideas? In fact, that's the questions I have for all of our loyal readers (or any random person who happens on here). What should my white elephant gift be for our faculty party?
Also, this morning, I sat in the cafeteria during the choirs' performances thinking about how I couldn't wait to get in here to tell you all about it. First off, our choir director is a complete and total bitch. Even the other teachers here at school are afraid of her. Though there is some part of me that admires how fucking mean she is, I'm too scared of her to study her for pointers. Anway, the girls walked onto the stage and they have choir dresses this year. Well, none of the other kids had seen them in their choir dresses yet so they were all clapping and cheering about how nice the girls looked. To add to that, the choir girls were all beaming and waving at their friends and all. It was a really sweet moment, ya know? Then Choir Director Hitler gets on the mic and says, "We can't perform until we have appropriate audience behavior. This is a choir concert, not a football game." So, there is a stunned silence that falls over the crowd. Even the teachers (who are used to her anti-social ways...btw, she's our social committee director, oh the irony) were taken aback by her harshness. Anyway, they precede to do their performance and it occurred to me that there are two things that seem to happen at every choir concert ever. First, there is always one song in which they use sign language. I don't know for sure, but do you think a lot of deaf people attend public school choir concerts? I'm not deaf, but if I was, I don't think I'd get a lot of joy out of watching people sing. And then the other thing that they always do is some kind of choreographed "dance routine" which involved Jazz Hands and a shuffle to the left then a shuffle to the right. I decided as I was sitting in that cafeteria this morning watching those girls do that little dance routine that that is the exact reason why I would have never tried out for choir. (That in the fact that I'm tone deaf.)
It's FRIDAY!!!!!
Love, Terps
BTW, I've seen the photos. Wow...
Dear Terps,
I 've never met the Choir Director and I admire the hell out of her...ha ha No. Not really. There's a fine line between being mean to kids the way WE are mean to kids, and just being a bitch. Like, if I'm lining up the kids in I.S.S., and I say, "Okay, Delinquents, get in line." It's funny. Or, remember when our favorite student got stuck when he fashioned his own shirt into a makeshift straitjacket and we stood over him and laughed? That's funny. Getting Third Reich on a group of kids for cheering for their choir buddies is just being, well, a Nazi.
Yes, it's Faculty Christmas Party time once again. Last year, I got pretty well smashed. I believe I will try to show a little more restraint this year. However, we've got some good drinkers attending, so competition for most drunk should get pretty stiff. I love my co-workers. God Bless 'em. There's the self-titled "Drunken Debutante". My principal, who thinks he can be more of a karaoke queen than me, the science teacher who dresses her baby in pirate print diapers....I love them all. You should come to OUR staff party, because it's gonna be awesome.
As for White Elephant gifts..I don't really think you could top the bag full of "Teacher" ornaments. I've got a bunch of those weighing down my own tree at home, as a matter of fact. Isn't it funny how they're always made of the heaviest materials? I've got several five pound ceramic ornaments... They're the knuckle-draggers of the tree. If you want to go with a teacher themed gift, perhaps a scrapbook of "artwork" given to you by students? Fashioned into some kind of coffee table book, of course. If you want to get a bit naughty, I would say a bottle of K-Y should do the trick. My very favorite white elephant gifts, though, are the ceramic masterpieces that you can find at your corner Big Lots. You know what I'm talking about...Two foot tall ceramic orchids covered with a mauve glaze. Garden gnomes where the assembly line face painter slashed on a line of red, and two black dots and missed the mouth and eyes completely. Large vases with the glaze drizzled (ie. slopped) down the sides in shades of burnt orange and sunny yellow. Mariachi frogs, harmonica playing angels, rasta Saints, etc. Fucking brilliant.
On another note, you've gone and made me hungry for Guacamole. I think I told you that the doctor has told me to reduce the amount of sodium in my diet because of my blood pressure, right? It is unbelievably difficult. Last night, I was trying to make a nice broccoli stir fry using only onion, garlic and pepper for seasoning. While letting it cook, I was washing the dishes. Well, Confusia, Jr. comes up to the stove, and starts stirring, and then, I swear it was like slow motion...I look over as she's splashing some soy sauce into the pan...I was reaching out to grab the soy sauce, and shouting, "NNOOOOOOO!" but I was too late. She got the soy sauce into the stir fry. She says, "What?" I replied, "You can't put the soy sauce in there! It's loaded with sodium. It's got, like, a million grams of salt in it!" She says, "No way. It's just a little bit. How much could it have?" She looked at the nutrition information. One tablespoon of soy sauce contains 43% of the RDA of sodium for a 2,000 calorie per day diet. How...the FUCK...do you cram that much salt into a TABLESPOON??? Why call it soy sauce? I think they should cut the bullshit, and just call it salt sauce. SERIOUSLY!!! 43%!!! So, of course, I ate the broccoli anyway, because hell, that was dinner, and I was hungry. I think I'll run to the store at lunchtime and get some avocadoes and just make some homemade guacamole right at my desk. It will be like when the waiters come to your table and make it fresh right there. I can make it without salt, but the challenge will be finding something to put the guacamole on...Tortilla chips have lots of sodium. Celery is gross. Maybe I'll just lick it off of my fingers...lol. Like that's never happened before...ha ha
Love, Confusia
PS I keep trying to write a profile for Phil, but every time I see the picture, I can't stop laughing...Holy Shit, that's so freakin' hilarious!!!
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