Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

Dear Confusia,
How's it going over there? Has Halloween fever already struck your little lovelies? Our girls are doing fairly well, but tomorrow will probably be another thing altogether. They aren't allowed to wear costumes (sadly) but they can wear Halloween accessories which is very exciting to them because usually they are only allowed to wear one accessory a day (i.e. one bracelet, one necklace, one ring, etc.), but tomorrow it's no hold's bar. They can wear as many as they like, as big as they like. That should be fun. I conveniently decided to have six weeks exams in half of my classes to help keep it calm. In the other half, they are having dress rehearsals for their performances next week, so that'll be crazy no matter what I do.
So, do you have any big plans for Halloween? I did, but then they got shit-canned. We were all going to go out downtown (think Nazi Death March), but then two of the group ended up having to work and the other doesn't drink and that just doesn't seem like much fun. I guess instead I will pass out candy to trick-or-treaters while simultaneously holding Rhoda back from eating the smaller of the children in the packs. Halloween + Rhoda = Pain in theAss.
Of course, I could do for Halloween what I did last night. When I got home from work (which, btw was early because I had someone else take my last period class) I went straight to bed. My vertigo was completely out of control yesterday. I was almost afraid to drive. Not so much as to stay at school mind you, but still... Anyway, I slept from 5 to 9 without interruption, got up for about 30 minutes, went back to bed, and then slept until 4 this morning. And I STILL feel like ass right now. What gives? I totally want to break up with vertigo. He is no fun!
How long until lunch? I'm hungry. As I told you Sunday, I'm on the cereal for lunch diet. I find myself craving things like potato chips and guacamole and chips and vodka tonics all day long. This cereal for lunch may be a two week thing only. (It wouldn't even be that long, but I bought 2 boxes of cereal so it'll take me until next week to finish it.) Any bright ideas on what I should try next. I just need something simple that I can keep at school. I always forget to bring a lunch in the morning.
Ok, should at least go act like I care the kids are in the room.
Later!
Terps
Dear Terps,
Yes, the kids here are already apeshit, but what are you gonna do? Actually, today I only have four or five in ISS, so it's not bad. this morning's duty was a pain and a half, though. I can only look forward to Monday when all the kdis will be sugared up and throwing candy wrappers everywhere.
My Halloween plans are also not what I'd have them be. I'm going to take the kdis trick-or-treating, and then back home where I might have a glass of wine by the fireplace. I can't believe I'm writing this, but it makes me nostalgic for the good, old days of the Nazi Death March that we endured that fateful evening. Remember that dude I picked up that night? The one we thought was gay, and that I didn't have sex with? Yeah, I think he was gay. There are just no other explanations for why he would have turned down a tumble with the ample-thighed cheerleader I was that night...ha ha ha ha ha He slept beside me, but nothing happened. What rocked about it was that he bought breakfast for all three of us the next morning. Sweet. I didn't even have to get pimped out for it...ha ha ha You know he's probably stayed at home every Halloween night since just to make sure he doesn't have a repeat of that evening. We totally ruined Halloween for that guy forever. However, I'm sure there will be others to take his place as we age. As for me, I can't wait to be the "Ample-thighed, eighty year old cheerleader" for Halloween. ha ha ha Wait, actually I CAN wait for that.

The picture is one I found on the web. Although i'm not (yet) in this picture, in all honesty, I applaud them for having fun in a society that tells us our bodies are never good enough.

Knowledge Is a BAD Thing!

Dear Confusia,

As I think you may know, I teach sex ed, er, women's health in one of my classes. Well, I have health educators from Planned Parenthood who come out and work on those classes with me. Our latest topic is Sexually Transmitted Infections. Imagine the fun. I have now convinced myself that I have EVERY infection listed in the brochure on my desk. Of course, I have none of the symptoms, but it says right here, in black and white, "Symptoms may not appear at all." That's me. I'm the symptomless sufferer of all known (and possibly some unknown STIs.) I've already explained to you in a pervious post of how because I bruise easily I have decided that I have HIV. Granted, I went and had a test that said I didn't, but tests can be false. Anyway, here are some of the other infections I've determined I have and my reasons for thinking so.

1. Chlamydia: is the MOST common baterial STI in America and about 3,000,000 Americans under the age of 25 get it yearly. I've been under the age of 25 for as long as I can remember, so I think that increases my chances.
2. Cytomegalovirus: symptoms include fatigue, fever, and general weakness. Do I feel warm to you? I think I feel warm. Oh Dear God! It goes on to say here that you can get it from kissing and touching. I'm going back into my bubble.
3. Gonorrhea: menstrual irregularities? Hell, that's my middle name!
4. Hepatitis: Oh wait. It says here that it causes a lack of appetite. I don't have this one.
5. Intestinal parasites: That expalains the bloating.
6. Scabies: I KNOW I have these. They come into my classroom everyday from 9:00 to 4:00.
7. Syphilis: I managed to skip the primary and secondary phases and rushed right into the latent phase. It goes on to say that if untreated, this can lead to death. I feel pretty confident I'm going to die one day. At least now I know the cause.
Your Very Sick Pal,
Herpesichore, er, Terpsichore
Dear Terps,
Well, I always knew you were a dirty girl...ha ha ha Seriously, allow me to add to this list.
Confusia's Diseases du Jour:
1. Pregnancy. I always think I'm pregnant. I know most people wouldn't consider this a disease, but I do, and God help us all, men can pass it to you in a heartbeat.


2. The ass polyps...These could be anything from flesh eating bacteria to genital warts.
3. Breast Cancer: Here's the thing: My boobs have lots of bumpy stuff. In fact, that's all that's in them is lumpy stuff. How the hell are you supposed to tell which lumps are alright, and which are lethal? I don't get this. I couldn't tell a gland, from a duct, from cellulose from a malignant tumor. God help me.

that's about it for right now. I'm having a fairly healthy day. :)

ASS POLYPS

OMG!

What do you mean it's only Tuesday?

Disgruntled,
Terps



Dear Terps,

Why does it seem that the week lasts so long, and the weekend is only a flash? I don't know. I imagine work has something to do with it, though...

Never fear, I have come to your rescue with a picture of something that will make you count your blessings. You only thought it was a bad week before...ha ha ha
You're welcome.







Why Confusia, you're such a giver. I can't believe how selfless you are. Thank you!

Good Job, Us!

Dear Confusia,

We made it to Friday! Of course, I hate Fridays, but still it's WAY better for it to be Friday than for it to be Monday, si o no?
It is not even normal how badly I need a day off. I mean I'm REALLY in need of a mental health day. I would consider taking one next week, but we have our Shakespeare performances coming up and I guess I should be here to get the little darlings ready for that. Plus, I have a workshop for three days during the week after my birthday, and that just seems like a lot of time to be out. Granted, it's not fun nor is it a vacation of any kind, but it is getting a sub and being out of the class and all that junk.
I guess I can just dream about November 26th, Thanksgiving Break. Of course, I'm goning to try to pick up some shifts at the Warehouse that week to make a little extra cash, but...
I just counted it up and I have 33 work days left until Semester Vacation. Is it too early to be looking at that do you think?
I wish I was either an inventor who could make something that would make me millions of dollars so I'd never have to do a Monday-Friday, 8-5 job again OR a really hot stripper type who could snag herself a sugar daddy. I'm not too proud.
Speaking of hot stripper types, do you ever just wake up and decide that you are fatter and grosser and uglier than you ever realized before? That's me today. Today's the kind of day when I just completely disgust myself. Good times! Why do you think that is? Why do you think somedays we can be ok with ourselves and then other days we're just overwhelmed with disappointment? Perhaps if we figure that out, we'll unlock some hidden magic for the world?
Ok, must take some time during my planning period to go pick up a few items for my Halloween costume.
Love,
Terpsichore
Dear Terps,
Generally this occurs if I look too closely in the mirror when I am getting into the shower or bath. It is then that I think, "Wow. I truly am obese, and I need an epic Gastric Bypass the likes of which have never been seen before on the planet. It seems that I can fool myself most of the time, but every once in awhile the truth hits hard. I am always flabbergasted when you feel like this, though. If I had your body, I'd be downright dangerous! You wouldn't ever see me out of slutty clothes...ha ha ha I'm talking about hot pants, fishnets, and corsets. I'd go to the dang grocery story dressed like a Pussycat Doll. ha ha ha PTA meeting? Let me slip into a little bondage number...ha ha ha. I think this is why I DON'T have your body. God knows the world doesn't need me to be that way.
Kids are getting on my nerves REALLY badly this week. I'm talking about...I almost threw a tennis ball across my classroom yesterday in a fit of temper. They are PISSING ME OFF!!! I just don't have any friggin patience. I don't know if it's because I'm tired, or if it's because they're little bastards.
I am glad it's Friday. I'm leaving at 12:30 today to head towards San Antonio. I might stop by real quick for a visit if you're home. SURPRISE!!! Love you, Mwah! ha ha
Confusia

Confusia Gone Apeshit!!!

Dear Terps,

Welcome to my day. No seats left in In-House Suspension.

Confusia: From this point on, no one else ask to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. You have now all gone, and so do not ask me again for the rest of the day.
Student A: Can I get a drink of water?

Confusia: Can I rip off your arms and beat you with the bloody stumps?

PS I found it really amusing to google the following: "Pictures of angry Kong"

I'm just sayin'.

I hate Shakespeare. Three hours a day of listening to it is MORE than enough for any person (except those a-holes that think they are so fucking literary and smart) but now I have to stay after school to help a girl learn her part. Ugh!

Not to Make You Jealous, But...

Dear Confusia,
I know you just went to the New Kids concert, and I don't want to tinkle on your parade. However, I think when I tell you where I'm going today you'll probably be just a bit envious. (Hence the reason I'm typing in green.)
I'm going to get my Well Woman's Exam today!!! Ha Ha! In your face!!!
So enough about that. Why haven't we talked about Halloween yet this year. You know how much I LOVE Halloween!!! Have I told you my costume yet? Well, I'll give you ONE tiny, little hint:





Any guesses?
Love,
Terps
Dear Confusia,
I can't believe you'd taunt me with the Well Woman Exam. Knowing that you get to have one today, and I don't makes me so depressed. How could you throw this in my face???
Well, since you bragged about this, check this out... I'm getting to clean the LITTER BOX today! YUP! How you like that?!? Plus, after that I have 3 loads of laundry to fold, 2 toilets to scrub, and a bunch of dirty dishes to wash. Jealous of you??? I think not!
I think Rosie the Riveter would be a GREAT costume! I have no idea what I'm going to be. Probably a bitter, old schoolteacher carrying around a bottle of rum...Oh wait, I dress up like that every day! ha ha

Do the New Kids Dance...part 2!

This is most what he looked like that day, only without the b-ball court.

here, he is showing what i most wanted to get my filthy hands on...

Dear Terps,
So to continue, I was there backstage with a mega 44 oz cup of rum and coke, doing my best to blend in. Keep in mind that while I was wearing all black like the other stage hands, I had a neckline that...well, do you remember the infamous J. Lo dress??? ha ha Needless to say, i was the only "stage hand" with cleavage...
I was hanging out for awhile (literally. ha ha) but then i decided to go down to this little bar thing where the meet and greet was going to be. i went in there, got a glass of wine. that was awesome because every other woman in that room paid 375 for their admission. i paid nothing.
The NK bodyguard was telling everyone the rules for the Meet and Greet, so I sat sipping my free wine. Then I got bored, so I left to go back out. That's when they all came walking out of the dressing room area. Donnie walked past me, looked at me, and I at him. I'm pretty sure he thought something like, "That's a weird looking stage hand!" ha ha He continued walking. I can't say I blame him at all because judging by the other stage hands (the real ones) I don't think they were big New Kids fans. At this point, if I had gone over to mingle with the girls from the radio winners' Meet and greet, I would have met him and gotten away with it. But I was foolish and proud. Plus, they were a bunch of really skinny women with huge boobs wearing spandex. Most of the radio winners looked like they meant business, if you know what I mean. I didn't want to look dowdy in comparison. that was my undoing...foolish pride. The other New Kids bodyguard asked me what I was doing there, and I didn't have a legit answer for him. He told me I couldn't be in the area. Whatever. So I got attention, and that's what I didn't need. He radioed someone else, and from that point on, i was marked. I went upstairs to get MC. We managed to talk the security guy upstairs into giving her a sticker, too. We got into the platinum club again, but after that, we were walking around. this time, they took our stickers, and escorted us out. ha ha ha ha ha
All I can tell you after that is I really regretted not grabbing Donnie's butt when I had the chance, because it was really nice. Of course, you and I both know I'm not the type to do that, but sometimes, I really wish I was. If I had, I might have made it to the bus...heh heh heh.
MC and I were ridiculously drunk. she was worse than me, though. She was more friendly than I've ever seen her! Hilarious! she was in the platinum bar doing the New Kids dance from their old video "The Right Stuff". I was laughing my ass off.
We had a good time at the concert. Our tickets were on the last row. Seriously. We could barely see, and all those women were screaming, so we could barely hear, either.
I don't know what it is about that Donnie Wahlberg. I'm telling you I just have the hots for that man.
It was funny when he walked by me. I guess I had enough rum in my system that I didn't act weird or anything. Just walking by he's just a guy, you know? He wasn't as energetic as I thought he would be, so the word that he was sick made alot of sense. It seems so strange that someone I fantasized about endlessly when i was seventeen could walk by me, and I'd just do a little, polite nod to him. That was it. I can say, though, that
I WAS TEN FEET AWAY FROM DONNIE!!!!! It makes me feel a little giddy.

Let me add this in purple, Terps, because I couldn't figure out how to say this...now I'm going to add it.

Sometimes, when we like this celebrity or that one, all we ever see is pictures...on paper, on video, whatever. The thing that was so cool to me was I saw him not on paper. He's more real to me now, you know? I guess it's like when you spoke to Adam Duritz. You can verify that he exists... Confusia

PS Also, you know how when you do meet someone sometimes, they're not what you expected them to be? Either they're shorter (usually) or skinnier, or whatever. Donnie's not like that. He was exactly as I expected him to be. that was cool.

The End
Love, Confusia