Dear Terps, Dearest Confusia,
Alright, it truly is this boring today. I was thinking, "Do I have anything to tell Terps today?"
and I answered myself, "Well, uh, it's a little chilly today....errrrrr......." Of course it's chilly there. My mom already sent me the "It's going to be cold this weekend so don't forget to bring warm clothes" email...
So I thought i'd make a little list instead. Knowing how much you, as a Vegan, love all that is Thanksgiving, feel free to add to the list. :) Thanksgiving....gag. I pretty much hate everything even remotely Thanksgiving cuisiney, so I shall give you my critique of the items on your list and then add what I will be eating on Thanksgiving day.
THINGS I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT ON THANKSGIVING:
1. Squash Casserole. This is the most important thing. I get to eat this once a year, and that day is only a few weeks away. I'm so happy! My dad does some actually brilliant stuff with squash, and we always try to get him to make enough for a battalion so that we can have it as leftovers for a week or so. It's all yummy, melty, squash, bell peppers, onion, cheese, cracker crumbles...I do't know what all is in it, and I'm sure it's a million gazillion calories, and I don't fucking care, because it is just that good. Once upon a time, long, long ago, before the thought of eating cheese gagged the nuts off me, I would eat squash casserole, but last Thanksgiving, when I was at my mom's just looking at it, it did something to me. I found it unwell to the eye. But I do have vague recollections of it being tasty. So very, very good. Just make it without cheese. (Did I just say that???) But it has butter and all kinds of other crap, oh and I don't cook so I wouldn't make it anyway...
2. Stuffing. I'm going to try to make some stuffing this year that is outstanding. Keep in mind that I always have these delusions of me as a master chef, and then when I burn the fuck out of everything, or it's all bland, or runny, or too much pepper, whatever...it breaks my heart. You'd think I'd learn. Anyway, I want to really try to get creative with some stuffing this year by adding some jalapenos and pecans. Last year my dad made oyster stuffing, and that's just not acceptable. He was forgiven only because of (see above) So, stuffing is moderately acceptable, but I am very suspicious of it for the most part because many a can of chicken stock has been hidden in it's cornbready goodness. Therefore, I avoid it.Well, this is easy to fix. All you have to do is make it with vegetable stock instead, and add a bunch of veggies to give it some exciting textures and tastes. Please see above about me cooking.
3. Pumpkin pie. Ambrosial nectar of the gods. I think I've mentioned this to you before, but I read an interesting study once that said that pumpkin pie scent was the number one aphrodisiac in the world. Seriously. They did studies on men and women, and the level of hormonal (sexual) activity in the, um, loins, was the highest when they smelled pumpkin pie. I believe this, and that's why I smear my body with a pumpkin pie every time we go out. Sure it may look funny, but it's POTENT! This explains SO much to me. Pumpkin pie, much like sex, repulses me. I find it the most disgusting of all the Thanksgiving staples. What if it's made of pumpkin pudding? (Oh wait...) The flavor and texture of it is so revolting.
4. Green Bean Casserole. This is the kind that has mushroom soup, and those little crunchy onions on top. I don't know why this isn't a staple at family dinners across America on a daily basis, but in our family, you get it once a year. We've learned to make the most of it. See, it's so funny to me to see that you like this. It's like you take a perfectly good green bean and then scar it for life. I think maybe I don't understand the concept of a casserole. Here, take these several cans of unrelated and inedible crap and dump it in an oven-safe dish and heat at 375 for an hour. I don't get it. Don't knock the casserole. Casseroles can be wonderful, comforting foods. Very tasty. Oh, please don't take it that I've never tried ye olde green bean casserole. I speak from experience.
5. Sweet Potatoes. In my family, we have two camps. One that says Sweet Potatoes are the best thing that ever happened to Thanksgiving, and the other that gags as the dish of SP are passed by them. I belong to the first group. Sweet Potatoes = Sex. Well, technically pumpkin pie equals sex, but sweet potatoes are a really slow, sensual make-out session that lasts for hours. I'd be a gagger. Again, I think it's no coincidence that I'm not a big fan of hours-long make-out sessions...What about when they have brown sugar and pecans in them? Uhm, let me consider it...NO!
6. Homemade rolls. I always joke that Thanksgiving dinner is never ready until my mom yells, "Oh God, The BREAD, the BREAD!" as she jumps out of her chair and lurches towards the oven.This happens either just before, or as the smoke alarm starts shrieking. Whatever. My mom makes some crescent rolls that are so good, you literally see family members hoarding them. Like, there goes Dad putting ten of them on his plate at one time because once they get around the table they might all be gone...ha ha People are tucking them into napkins and shit...It's embarrassing. This is usually the only thing at the Thanksgiving table I can eat, and that's because dear ol' mom takes pains to make sure to buy non-egg rolls and doesn't butter before baking.i belong to the "No Store Bought Rolls on Thanksgiving Club." As long as someone else gets stuck making them. You mean like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
7. Buttermilk Pie. This is not as good as pumpkin pie, but this is the only way I know that I really am a Southern Girl. Buttermilk Pie (should be read in a ludicrously exaggerated Southern Belle accent) is so warm and buttery and sugary. Again with the million calories, but so worth it.
How is it that so much stuff in the world tastes like crap until you put it in a pie? Pumpkin isn't too great until it's a pie. Buttermilk is downright nasty, but stick it in a pie and you've got culinary gold! Interesting. So, upon reflection, I just hate pie. I hate all pies. I hate pie crust. Yuck!Honestly Terps, this is a no-brainer. Who eats pie crust? Not me. You just pick out the filling. The filling gags me as well. The idea of all of it. Even foods I love, like cherries are made disgusting by baking them in a pie.
Anyhow, that's what I've got for you today. If you stayed awake throught the entire post then you win a free tofurkey. Congratulations.
Tofurkey's not all it's cracked up to be, and let's be honest, it's not cracked up to be much. You're pulling my leg... Your vertible tofurkey leg!One more reason for me not to participate in the Thanksgiving celebration. In fact, since I'm heading up to visit the folks this weekend, I decided that I wouldn't be able to go for Thanksgiving. (Genuis!) So, what will I have for Thanksgiving this year? I'm guessing a couple of vodka and tonics (because I have to work at the bar that day) and then maybe a peanut butter sandwich when I get home. Bon Appetit!
Terps
2 comments:
I am SO hungry now! I love all those foods, with the exception of buttermilk pie. Not that I don't like it, but as a lifelong resident of states above the Mason-Dixon line, I have never heard of it. Also, we don't do homemeade rolls. We do Pillsbury, but we often have the same crazy scene, as they are the last thing in the oven. My only addition is canned cranberry sauce - still in the shape of the can.
Mmmmm. Can't wait!
Buttermilk pie is really yummy. You can get a recipe for it off of the internet, and try it for Thanksgiving this year. It's not that hard to make. My only beef with it is that it doesn't come with whipped cream on top.
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