Please Don't Give Anyone My Number! Will Explain Later!

So I Finally Have 2 Free Minutes...

2009-09-03T08:02:00.001-07:00

Dearest Confusia,
Today I gave the students a task that doesn't involve me holding their hands (or even talking to/acknowledging them) so I figured I'd take this moment to log in and see if you'd be on yet. Which you have, so...
Last night was Back to School Night here. It was awesome. My school day started at 8:40 in the morning and ended at 8:15 in the evening. I love working 12 hour days. I especially love working them as a salaried employee who doesn't get any overtime. It's neat. The other neat things about school this year is that instead of starting at 8:30, like last year, it starts at 9:15. Sounds good, right? Well, it's not. In fact, most mornings we get to have meetings (instead of having them after school and being here until midnight) starting at the ass crack of dawn. It's super. So far, I'm loving it. I suppose the only thing keeping me going is Labor Day. It just scares me thinking about the stretch from Labor Day until Thanksgiving. I feel some mental health days in my future.
Ugh! The natives are getting restless.
Love ya,
Terps

FREE AT LAST!!! FREE AT LAST!!!

2009-08-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
I AM DIVORCED!!!
Love, Confusia

Confusia Checking In

2009-08-25T06:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Terps,
Well, another school year has begun, and I'm already looking forward to the last day of school! ha ha My feet hurt so bad from yesterday that I wish I could unscrew them and hang them in my closet until they feel better.
As for summertime updates...
Tubes cut and burned last Monday. I have been sterile for a week now, and it feels SUPER! No more worrying about any reproductive superpowers! The surgery went very well, and was one of my favorite days of the summer. There I was, completely drugged up and lying in bed all day. AWESOME! I'm not saying I'd want to do that every day, but as my step-brother said, it was a nice chemical vacation. As you know from the txt I sent you while under the influence,(tb burn ctt, mmo nop jjids mmow) I was very relaxed.
Also, my divorce will be final in two days!!! I will be single again, legally, and free of Mr. Confusia's sh++ forever! YAY. Don't worry, I'll have a margarita for you, too!
I have been accepted into Texas Woman's U, and will once again be working on my degree, which I will finish in no more than three years, though possibly in two if I work fantastically hard.
Still seeing my friend, who is a complete delight. I think it's been about 8 months now. He's amazing, and wonderful, and I adore him. I have such fun with him. :)
So that's about it for me. All good news for a change. Well, there is one bad thing, and I don't know if I can cope. List of the Day is blocked now, and I can't get to it. I'm telling you, the Man is cruel!!! So, if Cary ever checks in here, I hope he knows that I will fix my dilemna as soon as possible.
How is your year going so far? I hope it's awesome! Plus, I need you to start having man troubles again...(think tattoo guy, heart in a box guy, etc.) ha ha Reading your hilarious takes on it all makes the day better. :) Though, I still hold out some kind of strange hope for you and that guy in California, and you know who I mean. That was quite a match!
Love you, Confusia

Confusia Seen With Goofy Smile On Face

2009-06-04T07:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Terps,
Isn't it strange that even in the midst of a personal struggle in life, there can be elements that are completely wonderful? I am amazed that at a time when I could be feeling really down, there are moments when I am indeed very grateful to be alive, and even happy. Life can be mysterious. That's not to say that I'm jumping up and down every minute of the day. I'm not. Today, though, I just keep smiling. :) :) :)
Love, Confusia

Is It Really Happening?

2009-06-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dearest Confusia,
Could it be? Is it true? Has the last day of school finally arrived?
Sweetness!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
WHAAAATTT?????
No fair! I want this to be my last day of school, too!
Love, Confusia

2009-05-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
I have officially filed for divorce. 61 days, and it will all be over.
Love, Confusia

And Time Stood Still

2009-05-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I can't figure out which is worse, that this is only Wednesday (and Monday was a holiday) or that it's only 9:45. Either way, time is DRAGGING. I guess I should be happy that there are only 6 days of school left (5 if we don't count today), but when the clock seems to be stuck, it doesn't really matter, right?
Actually, if I think about everything I have to accomplish between now and next Wednesday, I might start to cry. We have the following to get through: college research presentations, diversity workshops, Shakespearean dress rehearsals and performances, mythology projects, film viewing of Speak, talent show, Fiest Texas field trip, kayaking field trip, year book signing, teachers vs. students dodgeball tournament, advisory kickball tournament, curriculum binders for ALL THREE PREPS! ARGH!!!!!
How is it going over there?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Remind me never to work there. Why have they packed so much into so few days? They couldn't have spread it out a little? That doesn't make much sense.
Nothing much happening here. Several months ago I sent all the paperwork off to the divorce attorney, but I still hadn't heard back from him. I'm tired of waiting on him, so I just finished all the paperwork myself and am filing all on my own! That's how you get a free divorce! Good thinking, huh? So all I have to do now is turn that stuff in downtown (tomorrow! bright and early!!!!) , and wait 61 days or less, and then I will no longer be a separatee...I will be a divorcee. Couldn't happen too soon. Shall we plan a party, perhaps? A little karaoke madness? Actually, I don't care if I'm the only one there, and the party involves me relaxing on the couch with a good book, it will still be considered a party! ha ha
So as far as Rachel's wedding goes...Do you think it would be in bad taste to get her a divorce gift certificate? Honestly, I can give her my card with one free divorce included because I'm practically an expert now. I think it would be a very practical gift. If she doesn't need it, that's great, but she'll have the protection of knowing it's there. ha ha
No, no, no. I'm kidding. Despite it all, I still think marriage can be a really wonderful thing, but you just have to be really careful about who you do it with...ha ha
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Why have they packed so much in the last week? Well, that's probably because we've been preparing for TAKS and finals up until now. We haven't had any free time. When you have kids taking 5 different TAKS tests and no teachers want to give up a second of class time because of that, you find yourself with a shit ton of activities to do in the last week of school. Oh, when I was giving my list of everything that has to be done, I forgot to mention the cotillion this weekend. Oh goodie!
So, as for your divorce, congratulations! I remember mine well. I remember it was scheduled at 9:00 (first thing on the court docket). I left from there to go get him off my insurance at work. I then went to get a new social security card without THAT last name on it. And I rounded out the day by getting a new driver's license. It was the best day of my life! I'm all for a party, but would need to know when and where and hope that I can be around for it!
Oh God! They're back...
Love, Terps

Rough Weekend: Thankful for the Extra Recovery Day

2009-05-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
Here's hoping this finds you well. I hope you had a smashingly good Memorial Day and enjoyed your long weekend. I did not.
Christina's birthday was last Tuesday. Well, as we all had to work on Wednesday, we decided that we would just wait until Saturday to celebrate. And celebrate we did. We celebrated SO much that I spent most of Sunday promising that I would NEVER celebrate anything ever again. I have no idea what exactly happened, but I was sicker than a dog. I know I had a few shots, but really, it did not seem like anything out of the ordinary. However, once I got home Saturday night/Sunday morning, my bathroom became a vomitorium. I threw up so much that I thought I HAD to be puking up internal organs (my OLD diet plan, getting rid of pesky internal organs). If that wasn't enough, when I was finally able to drag my miserably sore and unwell body out of bed later Sunday morning, it became RetchFest 2009. At this point, there was no substance coming out, just a constant gagging (great for the abs, by the way). At about 1:00, I managed to eat about half of a Luna Bar. At 1:20, I (remarkably) managed to throw up an entire Luna Bar (who knows how???). After that I decided the only thing I could do was go back to bed. I literally crawled to my bed, trailed by Rhoda and Bowie (they thought this was the best game ever). I had no sooner hoisted myself into bed before the metalic taste of upcoming upchuck flooded my mouth. I threw myself toward the bathroom door just in time to splatter bile all over my closed toilet lid. (Why oh why had I closed it? How silly was I to have thought the whole ordeal could be over???) I then continued to vomit up bile for what seemed like hours but was maybe ten minutes. I do not know if you have much experience in the bile puking department, but it is unpleasant. As I don't have a gall bladder to store my bile, I have had the bile vomitting experience numerous times, and it never gets better. After that, I crawled back to bed where I simply asked the powers that be to kindly kill me. Clearly they did not. After a two-hour nap, I woke up somewhat better but not good by any stretch. It was not until Monday morning that I actually did feel on the verge of death. Thankfully, I had Monday to recover. So, all in all, my weekend sucked nuts. Do tell me all about yours!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Um, well...mine wasn't as bad as yours, nope. What on earth did you drink that caused all of this? did you drink on an empty stomach, because that's what usually makes me end up over the toilet after drinking. That hasn't happened to me in over a year, though, so that's good. Maybe you had a stomach virus simultaneously. what you are describing sounds like my experience last March. Bad stomach virus, night of endless vomiting, ER visit complete with IV full of liquids, anti-vomit medicine, and morphine, on a plane with three kids three hours later on my way to New Jersey to be Bridesmaid for sister. I will never forget that because it was one of the most difficult, strenuous things I've had to do, ever. There have been a few times in my life when I've been amazed to discover the amount of strength I possess. This was one of those occasions. It doesn't sound all that big a deal, but navigating an airport with three kids when you feel like complete death? I just wanted to cry and give up. It started on a Wed. night, and I didn't wake up feeling human until Saturday morning. I bet that's what happened. Virus. I'm glad you're feeling better now, though.
I didn't do much Saturday or Sunday. I worked on my garden, did a million loads of laundry, cleaned house, read some books, played with the baby. Monday, my friend invited me out to lunch and a movie. So we played grand theft auto two, and he killed me about a million times. Then, we went to see Terminator Salvation. He's so wonderful. There are so many things about him that I respect and admire. Sigh... :)
After I left his apartment, I picked up the kids, and took them swimming for a short while. We got to the pool, and had been there for five minutes when Isaac tells me he has to go to the bathroom. So that kind of cut the swim time short. The water was quite cold, but I managed to get in the pool anyway. The baby was in heaven. I had to keep lifting her up because she was trying to stick her whole head in the water. she's ready to go!
Anyway, now back at work. Terrific. I can't believe first period just ended. ????????? that only took five hours. Why is time passing so slowly???
Love, Confusia

So?????

2009-05-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

The question on everyone's minds...how did the tiramisu turn out?
Oh and I wouldn't want to drive back to Ft. Worth from Henderson after the wedding if I were you. It's probably 3 or 4 hours and the wedding doesn't even start until 7. Maybe you could go in with us on our room? Just a thought. Let me know. And I can't believe the man in your life doesn't want to spend a romantic get-away weekend in exotic Henderson, Texas, watching two strangers get married. Pity. Oh, and what are you wearing to the wedding?
Dear Terps,
I think the Tiramisu turned out pretty well. There was a lot of it, too, because I didn't discover that the recipe served 15 until I got to the end of the recipe. :) I left the rest of it with him because he said he would have it finished by today. That's good, because the thought of how many calories it has tells me that I do NOT need to be the one to finish it off! It was an amazing meal, though! He is an unbelievably good cook. He made a curry that was completely perfect. Then there were these sauces that he made! An habanero pepper sauce, a mango jalapeno dressing, cucumber sticks...SO GOOD! It put my tiramisu to shame. Seriously, my toes curl when I think about that curry! To top it off, he had a large bottle of Capt. Morgan (he must be psychic...ha ha) and that mixed with blueberry and blackberry juice...Then the Irish Cream later, and on and on...I can't remember a better meal. It was a lovely evening. When I got there, we were working out how to run the fryer he purchased, and he said, "You've had a day that took a lot of patience, so I don't want you doing any of the work. I want you to relax." So wonderful. So opposite anything I've heard for....well, ever. It's pretty cool when, you've been through so much that you start to lose faith in humanity (mostly the male part) and then you meet someone who fails to fit into the stereotypes you want to start creating out of hurt and anger....That's a rambling sort of sentence, but the thing is...It's good to know that prohibiting yourself from building defensive walls can eventually be rewarded by meeting someone like him. Not that there's anyone like him but him, but you probably get what I'm saying. I think highly of him, have alot of respect for him. I appreciate that he doesn't demand constant waiting on him, or for me to entertain him. He's very self-sufficient, and that helps me remember how to be me...without always trying to be everything to everyone else. Okay, I think I'm done with my rambling now. :)
I ahve no idea what to wear to Rachel's wedding. Is it casual, semi-formal??? I'm thinking probably not overalls..ha ha I have a silver (or as I like to call it "light black") dress that I can wear. It's knee length, and a little fancy, but not formal or semi-f. Perhaps I'll wear that. I also have the dress I wore last night, which is black, and sort of reminds me of the Grecian style...It comes over one shoulder, and has sort of an empire waist...I don't know what the fashion terms are because I'm fashion challenged, but that one might work, too. What are you wearing? Youre lam-e skort set with matching tube top, or the lace gouchos with the word "Hottie" across the fanny in felt? ha ha I wouldn't dare to dream that you would put us all to shame with the infamous "thigh skirts"...bwahahahahah
Love, Confusia
Oh me...I guess I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I bought. It's kind of nice because I don't have to think about it. Of course, I've been struggling with the shoe thing. I bought a pair of sandals that I thought would be perfect, but now I realize that I can't wear hose with them and my legs are all bruised up from working out at the gym so much, so that's probably not going to work. Now, I'm at a loss. Of course, I realize that nobody will give a damn about me and the state of my legs, so maybe I should just wear them and be damned. And, the wedding is at 7, so it'll get dark shortly thereafter. Hell, maybe I'll get struck down with swine flu or chicken pox (which I've never had, by the way) right before the wedding and not have to deal with it at all. That'd be okey-dokey with me.
Did I tell you we're having a school Enviromental Carnival today? Yep, that's neat. That's one more thing to stack on top of the million others things we have going on around here. Oh and course it can't be during the school day...NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!! It's after school until 7:30. Because let's ne honest. That's exactly how I want to spend my Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend. EXACTLY! I guess the upside is that it did keep me from having to work at the Warehouse tonight. Of course, now I have to work tomorrow instead, but... Which means I can't really drink tonight, because I have to get up early to do all the shit that I would normally do during the whole day. NEAT! I can't wait until June 3rd. Of course, I have to work summer camp throughout June. Let me rephrase. I can't wait until June 27th.
Love, Terps
P.S. As this day wears on, I hate it more and more.

How Much Longer?

2009-05-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
So I have a question for you. When's your last day of school? It seems to me that our last day is excessively far away. We're here until June 3rd. Granted, the last week of school is simply going to be "let's watch a movie" week, but still. Why bother?
Also, I have super good news. Turns out there WILL be booze at Rachel's wedding. Now the downside is it will be a cash bar, but after being stuck in Henderson, Texas, for two days, I'd pay any amount for a drink. By the way, I'm staying in Kilgore because it's cheaper. If you plan on staying the night on Saturday, I recommend you try Kilgore and not Henderson.
Ugh....must go work. More later!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I think our last day is June 9th. That's the work day. Unfortunately, plenty of kids act up even on the last day of school, so I will be busy for the rest of the year.
I've considered staying the night, but I don't know that I can. How far is Henderson from Ft. Worth? I invited my friend, and he made it pretty clear that he'd rather be waterboarded than go to a wedding. ha ha I tend to feel the same way, which is why my own wedding consisted of about 20 minutes of preparation time. Some weddings can be fun. You remember that wedding we went to the first year we met, where I enjoyed quite a nice amount of champaigne? Didn't we go to the hideous club at the Green Oaks Inn when it was over? I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but was that the evening of "Agron"? I remember he thought you were hot. That was when the infamous line of yours, "A-gron weary of him." was born, was it not? That might have been a different night. It's funny that while I have some good memories of the few times we went there, they are also bad memories, too. ha ha Like when you were the unwilling one woman USO...ha ha ha ha ha Maybe not bad so much as funny. There was that guy there who always danced with himself. Almost glued to the mirror while he danced. I always wanted to suggest that maybe he and himself should get a room.
Most weddings though, are not fun, including mine. Most of the time, it goes like this...
A. the boring part
B. dinner mints
C. another boring part
I remember once my family had to go to three weddings in three weekends. I think I was about 25. On the third weekend my mom asked me if I was excited to go to the next wedding, and I replied, "If given the choice, I wouldn't go to my OWN wedding at this point." I've never understood why more people don't just elope. Honestly, that way you can have the wedding and honeymoon all at the same time, you save alot of money, and spend less time being stressed out. Of course, you don't get the wedding haul of gifts, either, but seriously now, how many serving platters does one need?
So tonight I'm going to make (or attempt to make) a fabulous tiramisu. I got the kahlua, and a hazelnut liqeuer, and it better turn out alright. I have posted a pic above of said tiramisu. I only wish I had a way to post a photo of the finished product ala confusia so that we could make humorous and unflattering comparisons. Ah well. Have a good rest of the day!
Love, Confusia
PS Apparently, I am not being allowed to add the photo, but be aware that it was incredibly impressive! ha ha

Teacher Found Under Desk Rocking Back and Forth and Sucking Thumb

2009-05-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I am about to lose it. I do not know how or why this happened, but my school scheduled two MAJOR events between now and the last day of school. This Friday we have a school carnival complete with everything you could imagine. However, unlike other schools, where the PTA puts on carnivals, WE put it on. It is student lead, which as we all know, is just another way of saying TEACHER lead. And as if that wasn't enough, Saturday, May 30, we have an 8th grade cotillion complete with red carpets and fancy dresses and all that nonsense. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal, but we're trying to wrap up the school year, give final exams, finish major projects, etc, and then you want me collecting money for these events, along with cookies and frosting, and decorations for the booth that I am in charge of yet would never actually eat anything from. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????
I think I'm about to be over the deep end.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
With DaThug getting married and all, now, I think it's about that time...I'm talking about auditions for DaThug 2009. I will begin putting up signage in urban gang infested areas immediately. Should be easy since I work in one. Hell, I could probably just put a few posters in my classroom, and never have to leave the comfort of the AC. I am really, really glad that I don't have to deal with a carnival OR a cotillion, though as heinous as it sounds, I might suggest to principal that we have one next year. It might expose these kids to something other than Gangsta Rap and dance floor procreation. Just sayin'. We usually have a dance, but it would be kinda cool to have one where the kids have to dress up. The girls would go psycho about it!
You'll never guess what I saw on my way to work this morning. Seriously.
A kid on a bike, crossing an extremely busy road, while talking on a cell phone. I guess it will make it that much easier for the person on the other end to dial the ambulance when he/she hears the sound of crunching bones. WTF??? I need a bumper sticker that says, "Shut up, and bicycle!"
Love, Confusia

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone!

2009-05-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
What a fantastic day, huh?! I have no kids with me this morning! That's because I've put in my two weeks of purgatory, and now they're all at AEP. Sweet Jesus, what a happy day!
So I have a dinner date Thursday, and I'm going to make the dessert. I'm going to attempt Tiramisu, because it is the food of the gods, and I'm really hoping it isn't a disaster. Of course, I don't know how you can really go wrong with liqueur, chocolate (and because I'm not a vegan...)copious amounts of whipped cream. As far as I'm concerned, just stick all that stuff in a bowl, and dig in. Who even cares about presentation at that point??? ha ha However, I'm going to try to make it really pretty, too. We'll see how it goes.
How is your Monday so far? I should probably apologize for my extremely aggressive diatribe last week, but seriously, I was showing alot of restraint under the circumstances.
Oh, I have a question for you. I don't know if you'll have a solution, but here goes.
Lately, when I wash clothes, they end up smelling strange, and not in a good way. They smell sort of like wet clothes that have been in a plastic bag for a few too many hours. I do not know why. It's got to stop, though. Do you think if I ran an empty load with just a bunch of bleach it would clear up this problem? It's so stupid, but not being what I would call the Domestic Goddess type, I have no idea how to solve this. I know you aren't exactly the Domestic Goddess type, either, but I figured two heads are better than one, right? Maybe your mom would know. That reminds me of that post you did about "your mom". ha ha I swear, I would rather solve global warming than try to figure out the mechanics of washing machine smells.
Sorry this is kind of rambling. I honestly think I'm just so giddy today that it's hard to focus!
Love, Confusia
Update: How did I get so lucky? First lunch happened, and I got sixteen kids like magic! I haven't enough desks in my room. Food fighting in the cafeteria is fun. If it were me, I would make them clean it up...with their tongues, but I guess there are laws about that kind of thing. Shame. Let's face it...my way, and they'd never throw a piece of food in the cafeteria again. This way, they will tomorrow. Which is more instructive?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
At this point, don't you think they should just suspend all of them to home? I mean I know that wouldn't be a punishment for most of them, but it wouldn't be a punishment for you either, right? Seriously! A food fight? Come the f on. You gotta be kidding me. Did they have to clean it up at all? Because maybe if they had to spend the rest of the day scrubbing spaghetti off the floors and walls that would make them think about it. I know haning out with you is pretty terrible, but not as much as cleaning a post-food fight cafeteria. Right?
As for your washing machine situation. I haven't a clue in the world what might cause that or how to fix it, but I think the bleach idea can't hurt. It's worth a try. It might not help, but it definitely won't hurt so...
I'm proud to say that I officially survived Rachel's shower, thanks to Kelli and her Aunt Eunie and a shitload of vodka. I must, however, tell you about this one thing that happened. Ok, so it's Rachel's bridal shower, right? Well, one of the guests sales jewelry from one of those "Jewelry Party" type of organizations much like Tupper Ware or Mary Kay. You know one of those things were they have a party and show you all this shit and try to get you to order it? Well, Rachel is opening her gifts, right, and she gets to the gift that this woman gives her. It turns out that it's a $50 gift certificate to buy some jewelry from her. The woman then procedes to take out all of her catalogs, throw them on the coffee table in the middle of the party and say, "And if anyone else wants to buy anything, feel free. Look at the books and let me know what you want." Can you believe that? Is that as tacky as it seemed to me???? Anyway, it's over and done with and I'll never have to do that again, so I guess all's well that ends well.
Ok, should go check on the kids. Though I think "Independent Research" should be treated as such...
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Yeah, I'm thinking that was kind of rude to turn the shower into a sales party. I hope no one bought anything from her. I definitely think Miss Manners would frown on that, and would probably have said something like, "How thoughtful of you to consider everyone's shopping needs. I'm sure that after the shower, the other guests might enjoy looking at your catalogs." Then she would have picked up the catalogs and very gently handed them back to her. I' m not Miss Manners, though, so I probably would have just rolled my eyes behind her back and then written about her to you. ha ha Great minds think alike.
I wouldn't be sad if they suspended these kids. I think they should have had to clean up their mess. However, then you get parents who complain, "My kid didn't do nothin', and ya'll are up here tryin' to make him ya'lls slave or somethin'" Neato. God forbid anyone should try to hold a kid responsible for their actions. They wonder why the prison population is exploding. I could explain it to them.
Love, Confusia

If I Can Only Hold On Until 4...Will Confusia Be on the News?

2009-05-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dearest Confusia,

I am sitting in my classroom right now imagining things like wild dogs running in and ripping me into pieces and a tornado coming through and taking me to sweet oblivion. I finally decided yesterday that if I didn't take Friday off I might do something crazy. Here's the situation I find myself in...
Of course, I have to work at the Warehouse on Friday night. That's the norm. However, they put me on the schedule to work Saturday during the day. That normally wouldn't be a problem, but Sunday is the day of Rachel's shower. My plan was to use Saturday to get all the preparation for her shower finished, but now I have NO time on Saturday because I'll be working from 10 to 8. Good times! So I just decided that I would take off Friday from school and try to get it all done then. It calmed me down considerably. Before that, I seriously thought that I would hurt myself or someone else if I had to be here on Friday. The stress of all of this shit, end of the school year, showers, weddings, etc. is just getting to me.
So how are you doing?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I may end up on the news by the end of the day. That's how I'm doing. My Principal decided that he wanted to move my classroom before the end of the year so that it wouldn't be waiting when we got back. The teacher in the class who I was told to switch with is a long-term sub. I didn't know the move was happening this week until some men showed up yesterday to take out cabinets. Guess who had to get all her stuff packed up right then? Oh yea! Today was the big moving day. The ten alternative kids I've got are my little movers. So the principal was working in my old room. the VP and I were working in the room I'm moving to...In between, all the kids with behavioral problems are running amok with beakers, chairs, desks, books, paper, etc. The other teachers are glaring at me. All of my stuff is in buckets, plastic bags, and boxes being shuttled by juvenile fucking delinquents while some of the kids are finishing their TAKS tests. To say that I'm a little worn out and homicidal right now is an understatement...If one of these kids asks me the same damn question I've already answered 6 times ONE MORE TIME!!! I am going to go ape shit, for real!!! I have these kids one more day, and if I can get through tomorrow without getting fired, it will be a testament to my patience and self-control. I also want to put a sign on the door to my room that says the following: IF YOU KNOCK ON MY DOOR ONE MORE TIME, I WILL BREAK YOUR GODDAMN FINGERS OFF AND RUN THEM THROUGH THE SHREDDER WHILE YOU CRY AND BLEED. Do you think that would be clear enough? Seriously, today is shitty. I'm looking around at all my stuff stuck on cabinets, everything out of order, and I'm like, "Why now? Why today? "
Love, Confusia
THat's IT! I just marched a kid down to the office. I walked into the principal's office, and said, "Please don't let this kid come back tomorrow. I cannot vouch for my actions. I'm about to lose it. I will PAY you to send that kid home!!! For the love of GOD, do NOT let him come back tomorrow!!"
I think they understood because they're about to call home. I will call in sick or go home sick, I swear ! I cannot deal with that little bastard one more day! Seriously.
Love, Confusia who is about to drop kick that little shit.

Wow!

2009-05-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

Just saw your photo on LOTD. Nice Glamour Shot. Why have I never seen that before? Only 2 more Mondays...but four more weeks.
Dear Terps,
The "Glamour Shot" is something I try to keep under wraps as much as possible. I sent it to Cary awhile back for the book he was putting together as I am clutching my collar in the picture while wearing silver serving platters for earrings. I told him he could use it in the Mother's Day post because I don't have a scanner, and it would have taken too long to mail another pic. Also, I figured everyone could use a good laugh. I had those taken several years ago. I think I was 24. If you think that one's something, you should see the one with the shiny pink cloth wrapped around me to look like a strapless formal. SPECIAL! So yep, twelve years ago I guess I looked like that. Not so much anymore. I should have a new "glamour photo" done to see how different it would be. Or not. If you desire to view the other fabulous glamour shots from the same session, I would be happy to show them to you at some point. However, since you're not bulimic, I don't see how they would have any value for you...lol
Hope you are well. I'm back at work on a lovely, rainy Monday. Yippee.
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Glamour shots. That's just so funny. I had some done too, when I was probably 20. My mom had some kind of coupon. I don't remember much about it except that I really DID NOT want to do it, and that the pictures creeped me out when they came in. I wonder if my mom still has them. Perhaps, we could get together, make a suicide pact, and then die of humiliation as we looked at each other's photos? Something to think about.
I can't believe we have 16 days of school left. I know that seems like nothing when you consider that we've already had 170 days this semester, but each day gets harder than the one before, yes?
Yes, so Rachel's wedding. I doubt there will be karaoke as there won't be booze. Or at least that was the last thing I heard. Granted, I'm going to find a way to make sure I have booze in my system, but... As for her moving out, she moved out back in March. And though I find your offer generous, I have another roommate (and have for almost 2 years), so I'm good. Rachel's shower is this Sunday. I'm most looking forward to it being over. That whole affair has seriously stressed me out. I sent out 30+ invitations and only got RSVPs from 13. It's kind of hard to know how to plan when over half of the guests don't tell you one way or the other if they are attending. Also, it doesn't help that they put me on the schedule at the WH for Saturday during the day. So, there goes my whole flippin' weekend. Good times!
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
What? No booze??? Guess I'll make other plans then...ha ha
What will go on during the reception? Dinner...dancing? Eating of mints? I plan to be there, so I guess I'll find out then.
As for the sharing of Glamour Shot photos...I'll tell you right now, there WILL be booze involved in that! :)
Love, Confusia

Ugh! What Was I Thinking?????

2009-05-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

So...I might have told you that we were going to take the 8th grade girls on a field trip to Dallas today and tomorrow to visit our sister school up there. Well, with swine flu and all, we had to cancel it. Well, Austin lifted the ban on Tuesday night so we all scrambled like mad people to get the buses, hotel rooms, restaurants, museums, etc. rescheduled. Turns out that we have 13 girls who can't go on the trip for various reasons (failing grades, suspensions, didn't want to, etc.) Well, they determined yesterday that one of the teachers would have to stay behind to monitor those girls. So, guess who volunteered. At the time it seemed great. The thought of being on a bus for so long, the thought of being in charge of all those girls, having to leave the dogs, etc. But now, as I sit here watching them do busy work, I find myself bored out of my mind. What do you mean I still have two hours of this left to do today and a whole 8 hours again tomorrow??????? ARGH!!!!!!

How's it going there? I see you guys are reopening sooner than was anticipated. At least you got a little break. LUCKY!

Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
That sounds like my life every day. Fun, n'est pas?
We were out from last Thursday, and we were just called back in yesterday. We missed five school days total. Thank you, Swine Flu. Unfortunately, I found out today that all the kids I had for the week before TAKS who were supposed to be safely at alternative school are coming back here for another week of effing good times with me. So I will have ten or eleven kids in here every day next week. Brrringggg. Yes? Hello? Swine Flu? Do you wanna come over and hang out this weekend? My place at eight? Sounds great! See you then! Yeah, I'm joking about that. I do think that a week with these kids is preferable to catching swine flu, but only just barely.
For what it's worth, I think you chose wisely. Field trips are an agonizing slow death, basically. At least this way, you can surf the net if you get bored, probably.
So what's the story on PsycHo Ray's wedding? I plan on being there, and I thought about asking my Friend if he'd like to attend with me. Will there be karaoke at the reception? That's the important question. Will the Beastlie Girls be the wedding singers? Is she really excited or nervous? I guess she'll be moving in with her new husband. Are you going to feel partially naked without your longtime roomie? If so, let me know. I can send Confusia, Jr. down there as a replacement. That would be lots of fun! (For me, mainly.) Still, let me know.
Love, Confusia

Compulsive Eating and Confusia...When to Say Yes.

2009-04-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
Do you think it's a bad thing that I've already eaten two Hershey bars today? Let me run it down for you...
1. Student put on house arrest for threatening to shoot a kid at school...Check.
2. Student sent to alternative school for theft...Check.
3. Students sent for being a total pain in the kisser...Check, and Check.
4. Students sent for gang tagging the bathroom...Check, and Check.
5. Student arrested for having weed on him in my classroom...Check.
6. Another student for theft...Check.
7. Another student for theft...Check.
8. Student who tagged another student...Check.

This all equals good times for me. I'm afraid if I turn my back, my cell will be stolen while another student tags my ass. On top of that, another (this is the third) desk in my room was broken this morning. I just got into an argument with a kid because I told him to throw away the wadded up yarn in his pocket, which, let's face it, he probably stole. Oh, God forbid he can't keep his tangled YARN!!! He had to give me massive attitude for that. The full eye roll, and the slam dunk into the trash can. I went out to change the marquee about an hour ago, and IT was tagged with gang shit. This day is effin' great. I have to go eat my third Hershey's now.
Love, Confusia
aka Queen Westside Shadow Killa...wurd.

Let's Play a Game!

2009-04-24T07:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Confusia,
Inspired by your previous post, let's play:
If I Could Have a Drink Right Now, What Would It Be?
I'll start:
Being as how it's only 9:45 in the morning, I think I would spike my coffee with a shot or two of Kahlua.
You?
(5 Hours Later)
I guess I'm playing this game by myself. Well, since last I posted, I would add the following to my list:
At noon, with lunch, I would have had two (or more) flavored vodkas (maybe strawberry) with soda water.
During passing period, I would have downed a shot, perhaps chilled Three Olives Chocolate Vodka. (Though this is a pleasant drink, and I would have liked to take the time to savor it, passing period is only 5 minutes long, so...)
Dear Terps,
I didn't see this until today. I would've played otherwise. Today, I'd drink Jagermeister straight out of the damn bottle. I was in the bathroom taking deep, calming breaths before ten. I've got ten or eleven kids with me, all of whom are supposed to be at alternative school, all of whom (well 90%) are acting like little demons. Today SUCKS!!! Seriously, last week was a walk in the park compared to today. It's sad when I'm looking forward to sitting outside a bathroom for eight hours during TAKS. I am looking forward...to sitting outside a bathroom.....for EIGHT hours... Let that sink in a minute.
Love, Confusia

I Am Officially Needing a Drink.

2009-04-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
PLEASE GET ME THE HE** OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Love, Confusia
Dearest Confusia,
It is only because I currently have my smallest (and therefore best) class right now that I haven't completely lost it.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Two of the kids were sent to the office, so it's a smidgen better in here. This week has been HARD! To top it off, I have that damn test on Saturday to look forward to...Hm, work all day, quadratic equations all night...What's not to love??? I know now why I don't work at an alternative school. Oh wait! I DO!

Wedding Bells and Other Noises from Hell

2009-04-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I was just curious about whether you received both your invitation to Rachel's wedding and shower.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I got the e-vite, but my stupid POS computer won't let me open it. Actually, that's not the computer's fault, it's that the site is FORBIDDEN!. If you could send me info in a regular e-mail or if you want to just give me a call, that would be great. I almost called you after work yesterday, but I thought you might find the cross between giddy and maniacal laughter a little frightening. But I'm better now... : } ha ha

Ugh!

2009-04-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

This day is stressing me out. Cheer me up!!!
Dear Terps,
You are not alone in stressville. I am currently surrounded by a bunch of juvenile delinquents, and am trying to teach them math. Guess what two of my least favorite things in the world are...
1. Juvenile Delinquents
2. Math

That's why I work in education, and specialize in juvenile delinquents. I'm a masochist. CLEARLY!!!

I want to binge eat. I want to binge drink. I want to chain smoke. Preferably all at the same time. I want Adrien Brody delivered to my house dipped in chocolate, whipped cream, and whiskey. Not the cheap shit, either! Belgian chocolate, real whipped cream, Jack Daniels. Oh, and probably handcuffs so he can't get away...ha ha That's not too much for a girl to ask, right?

What do you want? And make it JUICY! ha ha We're going to fantasize our way out of this mess! ha ha
Love, Confusia

Fun With Food Analogies!!!

2009-04-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
I don't know about you, but this week blows so far. I'm studying like crazy for the THEA test Saturday. I have my own homeroom this week because of all the kids who have been sent to alternative school, but have to stay with me until TAKS next week. Which means, of course, that I'm the last "teacher" they'll have before they take TAKS. I'm trying to do TAKS countdowns in Math with them, but since they've been spending most of the year getting in trouble, they're easily lost. So am I, for that matter, not because I don't know how to do it myself, but because trying to explain how to do it to them is difficult for me. I am becoming Queen of the Analogies....For example:

1. So, the formula is C=2 (pi) r. Let's look at it like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. So, the equation is D=c/(pi). Remember those workbenches you played with when you were a kid? We're going to plug numbers into this equation just like you hammered the pegs into the workbench...
3. So, here we have a coordinate plane. Imagine that this is a pizza...

Here's another analogy...
Here we have a bunch of kids about to take TAKS. Let's look at them like they are toast...
ha ha ha
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Sounds like you have a lot of fun times ahead. Since I teach 8th graders, we have already taken the math test. In fact, we got the results back yesterday and all of the 8th graders passed. We only had one girl not pass the reading. It's pretty incredible. Granted, we have science and social studies next week, and I hear the 8th grade science test is a bitch, but...
I took yesterday off because we all went out Sunday night to celebrate Rachel and Kelli's birthdays. It's been so hard getting back into the swing of things today. Ugh!
BTW, how's Con Jr. doing with the musical?
Love, Terps

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

2009-04-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Severe Weather Testing Protocols During TAKS - ProTeacher Community

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2009-04-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I do not know what it is about this week, but it seems like it has gone by at a painstakingly slow pace. It hasn't beena bad week. Nothing horrible has happened to me. School has been fine and all of that, but it just seems like the days are CREEPING by. In fact, I can't believe that it's only Thursday. It should so be Friday, of next week.
Anyway, last night was the final night of my bowling league season. I have to tell you how awesome this is. We went into the last night of competition in second place, being 7 points behind the first place team. As luck would have it, we were bowling the first place team. In order to move into first place, we were going to have to win all 8 points (that's the max number of points per match). Well, we already hated the other team because the last time we bowled against them, they would say shit like, "Nice," when we'd miss spares and crap like that. Real sportsmanlike. Anyway, we ended up winning every game and got high series points. Therefore, we got the full 8 points and beat those a-holes. We ended the season in first place. It was so sweet!!!!!
Ok, that's all I got for you. Hope you have a good Thursday!
Love, Terps

Easter Good Times...

2009-04-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
Saturday night, the kids and I were dying Easter Eggs. I give the baby a hard-boiled egg and a little q-tip with dye in her high chair so she can participate too. She starts coloring on her egg with the Q-tip, and I think, all is well. The next time I look over at her, she has gnawed her way through a third of that egg! Shells and all! ha ha Oh my God! I have never seen a child eat an egg with the shell on... She spit all the shell out, of course, but still, you'd think I never feed the child! I guess she got confused because she was in her high chair. "I'm in this weird chair, and that usually means it's time to eat, but Mom's cooking is really not up to par today, I've gotta say!" More later.

If Only it Were Adam Duritz!

2009-04-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
I just read that Paul Rudd is auctioning off a lunch date with himself for a charity which has something to do with female filmmakers. If I remember correctly, you like him, so I thought you might want to get on e-bay and see what the current bid is. If you're interested...I'd try to win it for you, but as we all know, I could be outbid by a homeless cat. :( Unless you want to loan me the money....ha ha ha
-Confusia
Dear Confusia,
If only... I do find Paul incredibly HOT! He is definitely on my Top 5 List. So, did you have Friday off or did you have to work to make up for a bad weather day early this year? We had the day off, but yet is STILL doesn't seem like enough time off. Ugh! I was actually counting up the days we have left in the school year. That's probably a bad sign. This is the last week of the 5th six-weeks, so that's reassuring. Oh, and two of my classes are having "reward" days today, so I hsould get some quality reading time in.
So, how was your Easter?
Love, Terps

FYI

2009-04-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
The Beastie Boys are playing at Austin City Limits this year. Thought you might want to know.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
When is that? How are you doing today?
Love, Confusia
Confusia,
The festival is October 2-4, I think. And I'm doing fine. I'm always fine. I hope you aren't asking me that based on yesterday's post. I'm not suicidal or anything.
Terps
Dear Terps,
Oh please, telling me you're not suicidal??? I know where you work! ha ha But I wasn't asking based on yesterday's post. I was asking in the hopes that you had something extremely exciting to tell me so that I wouldn't struggle with the soul-numbing boredom of a work day. :)
I'm doing alright, but that's primarily because I know the weeks left of school are now in the single digits. I take the THEA test in about two weeks, and will need to study like nobody's business all fourteen days. Why is it that once you learn something, it doesn't stay in your head? Do you know how much it pisses me off that I have to relearn algebra AGAIN!?! SEriously??? Like learning it the first fourteen times wasn't enough???
I was reading my paper copy of our book the other night, and I was laughing so hard. It made me catch the fever again. Don't be surprised if it pops up in your e-mail sometime soon!
I just love all of our characters. They are an absolute delight.
Love, Confusia

Testing...

2009-04-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
Yep, that's right. We're testing today. I forgot what it's like to teach a grade level in which they can't pass to the next grade if they don't pass the standardized tests. Testing starts early and happens frequently. Oh and of course I shouldn't be on my computer. I should be walking around, distracting the girls while they test. Ugh! At least when I taught special ed I could read the test aloud to them. It gave me something to do. But this...oh God!
So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday because I was getting these weird spasms in my gut that felt like gall stones. I knew it couldn't be that, because I don't have a gall bladder, but it sucked and scared the pee out of me. Turns out it was nothing. A little acid reflux from going to bed with food in my stomach. No biggie. But here's the deal. I gave up processed food for the New Year, and I've lost some weight. Well, I'd set a number in my head that I thought would be a good weight for me. At the doctor's office yesterday I learned that I reached that number. The problem...I STILL hate my body. I was talking to two other teachers about it this morning and they told me that I absolutely shouldn't lose another pound, but when I look at myself I see this fat, frumpy cow. I mean what gives? How do I handle that? Out of all the reasons anyone has ever had for me to see a therapist, this is the only one that I'm thinking might be worthy. What do you think?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
My first thought about this is wondering why it's so important to you not to look like a "fat, frumpy cow." I just wonder about that. Is it a fear of what people will think of you? Is it a fear that you won't be as good as somebody else if you're fat? Is it a fear of being unhealthy? Of being out of control? Of not being attractive? These are the questions I would have. As you know, this isn't a problem that I have. I have the exact opposite problem, but in thinking about why someone would hate her body, these are reasons I would consider. It might be something completely different, so keep in mind I'm winging it here...It's strange in a way, but I think probably because I've given birth, I have this sense of how amazing the female body is, and the unbelievable power that it has. I became quite a bit more relaxed about my body after I had a baby, and I think that's a common feeling. Since you haven't had a baby, I know that's not really a cure for you, but your athleticism might be able to give you the same feeling. If you take pride not merely in what your body looks like, but rather in what it can DO, that might help. Does that make sense? It might be a way to start overcoming your body hatred. I mean, GEEZ! Your body just did a 10K! How fat and frumpy could you possibly be? How many cows do you know that run 10K's?? I know from our days doing the exercises with the students in R-3 that you're plenty flexible, you don't have asthma, diabetes, or any of the other myriad problems that plague heavier people. Your body is healthy. You should be proud of that. All I'm saying is that it's a beginning. If the hatred continues then I think you should see a therapist about it because I can't think of many things sadder than for someone to hate her own body. It's so much a part of who we are, and we depend on it every second of every day, that to hate it would be a hardship every minute of the year. We should be friends with our bodies as best we can. It would be different if you hated your body because it failed you in some way (ie. epilepsy, diabetes, cancer, etc.) Then the frustration would be more because of betrayal, I suspect. Do you feel that your body has betrayed you in some way? I'm curious about how you feel about that.
On another note, I went out with my friend this weekend, and I finally had the guts to ask if this was a monogamous thing. I was hoping it was because I don't like the idea of "playing the field". I was worried about bringing it up because I didn't want him to feel I was trying to somehow put a leash on him or whatever. So I asked him about it, and he replied that yes, it was. or why? If you've found someone you like better, etc. I found that so indicative of the difference in the thought processes of men and women. I thought he was going to think one way, but he thought I was asking because I wanted to see someone else. I swear we need an intergender translating machine to carry around with us. I was stunned that he thought I wanted to see someone else. I was like, "My God, after you everyone else would be boring!" That's true. I can't imagine anyone else being as fascinating because I never know what he'll say or do. Just when I think I've got a grasp on his personality, he'll show yet another side of himself. It's utterly captivating! :) He is amazing.
So do you have any good Easter plans? Mine will involve cleaning up the incredibly huge mess that the kids make decorating their Easter eggs. That's always fun. It is just wrong that all of those Easter egg coloring kits have the pictures of beautifully colored eggs sitting in a nice, clean Easter basket in a nice, clean environment. Those eggs are done by professional artists, NOT by six year olds, or THIRTY-six year olds for that matter. That's right, I can't even make an egg look like the ones on the package. What I can do is mop up the mess when the inevitable dye spill happens. I can try my best to scrub the blue and green stains off of the kids' (and my own) hands, but fail. I can attempt to get all the glitter pieces off of the table and floor. I can wipe up the tears when the favorite egg that the child worked on for thirty minutes rolls off the table and cracks on the floor. I want to know who invented dying Easter eggs because I really want to have a chat with him/her. I think you should drive up this Saturday and join in the fun! I mean, you assisted me with five pages of stickers for the Barbie Townhouse from Hell. (" Uh, I've got a cat face sticker here. Any ideas???) Why not this, too?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I've weighed 100 pounds more than I do right now. Suffice it to say that I don't expect my body to be well-behaved. It's proven itself to get out of hand before. And I KNOW that it wasn't my body that did that, it was my mind. But, as you know, the mind is a wonderfully complex machine that can convince us of anything. It was my mind that told my body it WOULD run every step of that 10K. It is my mind that tells me when to pick up that fork and better yet when to lay it down. Back in the day, it was my mind that let me make all those decisions that caused me to be 100 pounds heavier than I am now. It is also my mind that blames my body for that. It is my mind that says, "You look fat. You aren't thin enough. You aren't healthy. If you don't watch what you eat you'll end up with diabetes, cancer, etc." I think it is some defense mechanism that my mind has established to save itself from itself. So long as it can always find a flaw, it'll keep moving in the right direction.
I viewed myself for 24 years as morbidly obese. I saw that image everyday for 24 years. My mind can't shake that image. I don't even necessarily want to lose that image. I need it to keep me from going back. However, I need some clue about the reality of my actual body, not the one emblazened in my psyche. I think that's the hurdle I need help getting over.
As for my Easter plans, they include sitting on my couch and watching TV. Easter is a very sacred holiday for me indeed...
Terps

Lucky Me

2009-04-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
I am wishing it were somehow Spring Break again. Only week before last, and I'm already back to full house in In-House. I have some interesting offenders today...Here's the rundown...

Tom: Used the phrase "stupid ass" to describe a fellow student.
Dick: The kid dubbed "stupid ass". Retaliated with another name I was not informed about.
Larry: Informed another student that he sucks on his mother's "deformed t***". (Reminds me of the good old days back in R3...)
Then Stephanie and Jane got into a yelling match which caused a massive disruption outside.
The others were being disruptive. Every five minutes another one walks in. I'm about to hang a "CLOSED" sign on my door. Do you think it will work?
Have to run for now. I'm about to get on my soapbox and deliver a terrific tongue lashing to the whole lot of them. I've grown weary of them.
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I too am a lucky, lucky person. Do you know how easy and fun it is to try to teach 6th graders the finer points of MacBeth? If you don't, I highly suggest you giving it a try. Maybe you could put on a little In-School Shakespearean festival at your school. Oh fuck, they need me again. UGH!

Random News

2009-03-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,
Are you as sore from running your Ten K today as I am from my yardwork? Pulling up weeds is a bitch, and one of the best arm/back/ waist workouts I can imagine.
I have some really great news, and I'm so excited about it I can't wait to tell you. Last Friday, I found out that Confusia Jr.'s choir teacher made her audition for "Annie". The school is doing a production of it. She got the lead role! She's gonna be singing, "The Sun'll come up...tomorrow..." Dancing, "It's a hard knock life...for us!" Acting, "I love you, Daddy Warbucks." I can't wait to see it! I hope she enjoys it because it would be great if she could get involved with an extracurricular activity at school. Nobody even knew she had auditioned, so when she came home Friday after finding out she was going to be Annie, everyone was so thrilled. She's had such a tough year, and this is a BIG positive for her. Very exciting! I wish I could say that she gets her voice from me, but we all know that would be a huge lie! ha ha
How was your weekend other than running the 10 K? Did you follow through with your binge drinking idea last night?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Congrats to Junior. I wish I had time to write more, but today is CRAZY. Sadly, the binge drinking was not thorough enough.
Terps

Well, Here We Go Again

2009-03-23T06:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Confusia,
How are you? How was your Spring Break? I feel like I haven't heard from you in forever (or at leats nine days). I have to tell you that being in New Orleans was bitter sweet. I loved being there and it was so much fun, but the nostalgia of it REALLY got to me. I went to check out my old house and actually teared up a bit. It was far more intense than I would have ever expected. Sadly, I also learned that I just can't seem to drink like I used to be able to. That must be a skill that declines with time. So, tell me all about your vacation.
Love, Terps

Hear the Angels Sing on High

2009-03-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
It's finally here! The last day before Spring Break. This week has been utter insanity, but in 7 hours, it'll be over. In fact, a week from now, I'll be trying to down several more drinks in New Orleans before my plane takes off in order to deliver me back to the "real world". But in the meantime...bliss. What plans do you have for the break?
Love,
Terps
Ah yeah!!!!
Could I be more excited? I don't think so. Of course, there are some more hours before I get off work, but this is the most excited I've been about Spring Break since...well, last year right before Spring Break!
I'd like to try to make it down to Austin one night of Spring Break. I'll have to locate babysitting services, and get back to you. I'm just thinking since I have a week off and all. Are you going to be in N'awlins all week? If so, you suck and I'm extremely jealous. Though I still hope you have a fantastic time, of course. :)
I sprained my shoulder or something last Sunday, so I'm pretty sure I will need to drink this week (for medicinal purposes, of course.) I've had my arm in a freaking sling all week, and I hate it. It had to be my right arm too, so I'm completely helpless. I don't know how in the hell you sprain a shoulder, except it's a sign that you're getting old. Perhaps I can fall and break my hip at the end of Spring Break. I need one of those damn emergency buttons that straps around your neck, I guess.
Doesn't matter, though, because I am still in a GREAT mood! :)))))) That's me smiling a whole lot!
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I won't be in New Orleans the whole time, but close. I leave out at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesday morning and get back just in time to work at the Warehouse on Friday night. The only possible doable nights for me would be either this Saturday or next Saturday. I don't know if those might work for you, but if they do, let me know!
Love, Terps
I'll see if I can arrange something for next Saturday. In the meantime, give New Orleans love from the Queen Sex Rock! ha ha
PS Watch out for the damn paparazzi!

How Dumb is Confusia?

2009-03-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,

What a day I'm having! The good times are rolling here, let me tell you!

So this morning, I'm doing my morning duty in the gym with a bunch of Spring-Fevered, hormone infested 6th graders, right? Off to my left, I see this girl walk up to a boy and offer him a piece of gum out of a pack. I'm like, "WTF???" I go to her, and I say, "OH, No...There's no gum allowed anywhere on campus. You know this. You've known this since August! What's the problem? She looks really guilty. I take the pack of gum from her and say, "Follow me." I was heading out the gym door to take her to the VP's office, and I say to my morning duty co-worker, "A whole pack of gum, and she's offering it to that kid right in front of me!" My co-worker shakes her head. I look down at the pack of gum, and notice something weird about it. The silver wrapper part sticking out doesn't look bendable...So I think again, "Wtf???" I reach down to pull the stick of gum out, and WHAM! Electric shock. How stupid do I feel at this point?

Well, pretty much like the biggest moron ever! apart from feeling stupid, now I'm also a little more pissed off because my thumb is still tingling. I look at the girl and say, "Let's go." On the way to the office, I ask her if she's been to In-House before, and she says no. So I reply, "So this is just like a bit of a bad judgment day, huh?" She nods.

We get to the VP's office, I show her the pack of gum and tell her what happened, also telling her that the girl hasn't been in trouble before. She looks at the girl and says very sternly, "I'll let you go this time without a consequence since you haven't been in any trouble this year, but next time, there will be. I can't have kids bringing things like this to school and my teachers getting shocked." The girl nodded timidly and left the office. The VP's stern look lasts until just after the girl walks out. She then smiles, and says, "I'm gonna go offer the Principal a piece.", while laughing mischievously. I go with her because I feel entitled now, having been shocked myself.

Of course, he doesn't fall for it, which was a bit disappointing. I would have felt better if someone else had been as dumb as I was, but apparently, I'm the dumbest on the campus.

All in all, though, I have to give props to the girl. She was aiming small, just trying for a joke on a fellow student...instead she snagged the In-School teacher. Kudos.

I am now going to attempt to teach myself how to sit still and not drool at the same time.

Love, Confusia

She Took My Pencil

2009-03-05T06:45:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
I am not even joking. Your latest post could not have come at a more needed time. Some kid took a pencil from my room. I'm glad I know how to handle it now. I can't wait to see her again. Thank you and thank that kid for me too, will ya?
I can't believe how much this week is dragging by. Having TAKS on Tuesday has made the rest of this week seem like a lesson in futility. And to be totally honest with you, it's not because of the kids, it's because of the teachers. It's as if all of us think we should get a holiday immediately following standardized testing. Granted we have Spring Break after 6 more school days, not counting today, but who's counting anyway...but I need a vacation RIGHT NOW!
So, in response to you asking me in an earlier post what I wanted to tear into that kid about, well, here goes. She is in my advisory and therefore she tests in my classroom. Well, I never use the overhead lights in my room because they give me a headache. However, everytime we test I ask the girls if they want me to turn them on or if we're good with the lamps and the windows. They always say leave them off, her included. Well, she told this other teacher that I wouldn't turn on the lights in my room and she thought that would make her do poorly on the test. So the teacher comes to me asking about the lighting in my room. Then, the next day, the teacher comes to me telling me that the girl said it's too crowded in my room for her to concentrate. There are 12 girls who test in here, btw, and I have space for 25 kids, so... I finally told the other teacher that the REAL issue was that this girl is afraid she's going to fail the test and instead of being accountable for it she wants an excuse, and I'm her excuse. The other teacher agreed, and we decided I would put her straight about it. So, it was disappointing for me to get all riled up about having this conversation with her and then not getting to follow through. It's one thing when you have to impromptu yell at someone, but when you plan it and then don't get to do it, you feel vacant and cheated. Ugh...gotta teach.
Terps
Dear Terps,
I can't type today, so please overlook any typos. For some reason, my fingers won't go where I want them to go today.
What is it with kids? they're getting on my nerves. It's definitely time for Spring Break. One more week...I just don't know if I can make it!! the kids here are acting like their parents are feeding them crack rock for breakfast. I'm glad the long, dry spell that is Jan, Feb, and 1/2 March in public education is almost over, but these kids are seriously losing it! I'm so ready for just the weekend. Why do the days seem to be getting longer and longer...the clocks slower and slower??? HEELLLPPP MMEEEEEE!

How to "Accidentally" Punch Someone In the Face...

2009-03-04T12:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Terps,
I just had a kid come to me who, besides being a total pain in the ass on his good days, just "accidentally" punched someone in the face. Now, always having an eye for new techniques, I'm having him write a how-to essay. I feel that this will be a beneficial skill to add to my repertoire. I will share the information with you when he turns it in, so that you can also benefit from his super (albeit accidental) ninja skills.
In the meantime, I will tell you how my week is going. Not that it isn't intensely boring, but rather because it IS so intensely boring, and I don't have anything else to do currently...Last Friday I went out with Friend. He took me to dinner, and then back to his apt. for a movie, Whtie Russians, etc. It was alot of fun, and I laughed alot. Saturday I really didn't do anything. Sunday I went to church, and cleaned house. Monday, nothing. Tuesday I had dinner with the kids and my dad and step-mother. See? I bet you can't handle all the excitement already! Tonight, probably nothing much again. Oh no, wait...I'm going to turn in some movies to Blockbuster. A little heads up- I wouldn't recommend watching the movie Max Payne. It's best feature is that it's truthfully named. Tomorrow I am going to see a counselor, which I believe will be greatly beneficial for me. I'm glad about it because there's alot I need to talk about with someone who knows what the hell they're doing, and hopefully it will be a big help. I mean, talking to myself just doesn't have quite the same healing capacity I'm pretty sure...
Alrighty, here we go...not quite what I asked for, but what else is new...
"How to Accidentally Punch Someone in the Face"
by Anonymous Super Accidental Ninja Kid
I puct him in thz fazc for a pin and i got thz pinagen and hz told thz t.c. and i got to (Principal)
offiss and hz got mad at mz and hz yalld at me and got intrbul by (Principal) thrzd porzdy.

For those who don't speak Effing Gibberish, this translates loosely to the following:
I punched him in the face for a pen, and I got the pen again, and he told the teacher and I got to the Principal's office and he got mad at me and he yelled at me and I got in trouble by the Principal. I am now being sent to alternative school.

It never ceases to amaze me how many kids there are who think the word "and" is the same damn thing as a period. Fear for the future of humanity...
Love, Confusia

Wrong Week to Try to Get Back into Gear

2009-03-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,

Ugh! I was out two and a half days last week with the flu. It was miserable. Now, I'm trying to get back into the mindset that you work five days and not two and a half, but of course this is a TAKS week so the whole schedule is upside down and stupid. Not to mention, that I was so angry with a student this morning (based on something another teacher asked me about) that all I could do was imagine how I was going to go clomping down to assembly this morning, pull her out into the hallway, and commense to having the Come to Jesus meeting of a lifetime with her. Imagine my disappointment when I got to the cafeteria to see that she isn't here today. Really? Can I get no joy in life?
Terps
Dear Terps,
I'm very curious as to what this charming girl-child did. It does suck when you're denied the opportunity to chew out a kid who richly deserves it. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), I get to chew out lots of kids on a daily basis. I wouldn't say it provides me with joy so much as it provides me with hypertension, but c'est la vie...et n'est pas la vie in rose. Man, I'm just about bi-lingual..ha ha
Love, Confusia

Long Weeks Need to Conclude With Decent Weekends

2009-02-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
Has this week seemed abnormally long to you? Seriously, this week is as abnormally long as my head is abnormally large. That's saying something. Yesterday, I looked at the clock and it was only 11:20. Three hours later, I looked at the clock again, and it was 11:28. What's up with that? I thought something was wrong with my clock for awhile.
This morning at duty time, I watched this kid unwrap a piece of gum and stick it in his mouth. They've known all year gum is not allowed anywhere on campus. i walk to him, and say, "Where did you get the gum?" He says, "From my pocket." I say, "No. Where did you GET it?"
He said, "Uh. In my pocket." I rolled my eyes mentally. "No. Before it got in your pocket, it was somewhere else. Where was that somewhere?" DUH!!!! Geez! Your pocket. Okay, no shit. Now who gave it to you, dumbass? Whatever.
Tomorrow night, I am supposed to have a date. I really hope it happens because I need a fucking break! I haven't seen Friend in a couple of weeks due to conflicting schedules, and I have missed the...well, everything! I miss not having to talk about all the shit going on in my life. I miss the companionship...the snuggling up and watching a movie and laughing together,etc. So I am greatly looking forward to tomorrow. I just want to relax...not be a "teacher", or a mom, or anything other than a female human being. You know what I mean?
Alcoholic beverages and some smooching...I don't ask for alot. :) How's your endless week going?
Love, Confusia

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

2009-02-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
I find grey to be my favorite color these days. I just seem to be in that kind of mood, ya know? It's kind of like being in high school again.
So about my date and the whole theory of the self-fulfilling prophecy...
I think I didn't want it to work out so I went into it with that attitude. Sometimes I think I don't want to date anyone or be in a relationship with anyone. I often wonder why the hell everybody is so into "finding someone" and shit like that. Is there something wrong with me that I just want to be left the hell alone? Because I kind of think there is something wrong with the rest of the fucking world because they all seem to think being in a relationship is the end all be all of all things wonderful. In fact, I see, hell I know, people who fall all over themselves and become something unidentifiable from what they were before just to have a significant other. And, I think some people would date the fucking Lord of the Underworld because society says being with a total prick is more acceptable than being single. I get it. Relationships are hard work, blah, blah, blah, but I think the pay off should be worth it though. Even bothering to date someone right now is more effort than I think the reward could possibly be. So, here's the really sad part. Was the date terrible? No, in fact it was great. We sat and talked nonstop for two hours about all kinds of shit. It was great. Would I do it again? Sure, if I felt like hanging out and talking to someone who might as well be my brother for all the attraction I felt towards him. So here comes the part I fucking hate. I get an email telling me what a great time he had and he'd love to get together again and it occurs to me that I actually went home last night with the mindset that maybe, just maybe, he felt that way too. Maybe he'd email me and say, "It was really fun hanging out with you. It seemed a lot to me like you and I have a lot in common and could be really good friends." But no, that's not what happened and now I feel like a horrible, awful person who is in an awkward situation that she doesn't know how to handle except for to completely avoid him at all costs, because that's how I always handle that shit. See, that's why I shouldn't date.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
The relationship thing, I think, is instinctive for most people. I mean, that's how humans, as a species, continues itself...through sex. Most people feel guilty if they have sex with random people, so they pursue relationships. For me, it's the companionship, I think. The start of a relationship always makes me neurotic, though, and I hate that. I had a very neurotic weekend, as a matter of fact. I don't know why I get like that. It's so stupid.
Have you considered maybe talking to a doctor or a counselor about any of this? I wonder if your hormones are possibly off kilter. I get kind of worried for you when I read this stuff because you're such a wonderful person, and I would love it if you would find someone really awesome. Do we have to be in a relationship to lead a decent life? No. Are you abnormal if you don't want to be in a relationship? No. However, they can make life alot richer, and that shouldn't be discounted. Having just ended a bad marriage, you'd think I'd be the one saying what you're saying, and you'd be saying what I'm saying. :) Now, it could be that personality wise, relationships just aren't that important to you. I'd just hate for you to dismiss them altogether. Relationships, no matter who they're with, force us to grow. Be they family relationships, friend relationships, or love relationships...they make us deal with different aspects of ourselves, etc. I'll give you an example.
First, with Mr. Confusia, I had to confront the part of myself that is afraid to speak up. I seriously had to let go. The last big fight we had where my windshield got broken, etc...He was trying to intimidate me into giving him his way. Normally, I might have given in just to keep the material things from getting broken, but I knew that I could not. I got to the line where I just could not give in anymore. It wasn't a fun day at all for me, but I drew my boundaries and stuck by them. It was, in the end, a learning moment.
Now, I'm in something completely new for me, which is something that proceeds slowly. It's a little difficult for me, but at the same time, I know that this is the way it's supposed to happen. You're not supposed to move in together after the third date..ha ha I am learning to be more patient. I am also learning that I can entertain myself. He was busy working this weekend, and it's been two weeks since I've had time with him. Am I thrilled about that? Not really. At the same time, though, I feel it's an important lesson for me. Patience. Controlling my impulsivity. Not being a neurotic mess. Trust. Will this relationship work out? I don't know that. But I will change and grow whether it does or not.
It's about pruning, I think, is what I'm trying to say. Trim this, encourage that, feed and water, cut off the dead branches, etc. This is how human beings grow, too.
Love, Confusia

Where the Hell is Terpsichore?

2009-02-19T12:23:00.001-08:00

Hello? Anyone out there? I'm talking about you, Terpsichore!
Alright. Well, I'll start then.
Dear Terps,
How is your mother doing? I'm sorry we couldn't get together this weekend. I wish Friday would have worked. My mom told me that the baby was up four times that night, so I'm actually astonished that she didn't call me to pick her up! I'd have called.
I had a decent weekend overall. I went shopping. I got a new pair of shoes, and some new pants, which were desperately needed since my co-workers see me in the same outfits every week. They probably take bets behind my back as to which I'll show up wearing on any particular day.
So this week has been interesting. I haven't had many kids in In-House. I HAVE had, though, a young lady from the Behavioral Intervention unit. She decided that she wanted to be with me all day. That was Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I taught a few classes to cover for some teachers at inservice...Health and P.E...because I'm not unhealthy or overweight at all. I'd be the natural choice for teaching these two classes. (loud, loud laughter)
HOW TO TEACH HEALTH...by Confusia
Alright, Guys, the first thing you (cough, cough) need to know (coughing fit) is that you should never (hacks up a lung) EVER smoke cigarettes. (clears throat and coughs.) They're really bad for you.
Second thing, be careful about what you eat. (pulls pants back up over muffin top.) You want to really eat healthy foods (takes bite of greasy donut.) and also, get plenty of exercise. (Sits down in chair)

Yeah. Awesome.
How's your week going?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
You know, that actually reminds me an awful lot of when my elementary school P.E. teacher taught our health unit. The man who thought teaching P.E. meant telling us to run the track while he read the paper, drank coffee, and ate Danishes. Damn I miss him.
My mom is good. I talked to her during lunch today. They have her doing all kinds of exercises (maybe she should teach that class) and junk, but it doesn't seem to be too hard on her.
As for me, I actually posted earlier and then deleted it. I have a date tonight. It'll probably end badly. I don't even know what to wear. Ideas?
Love, Terps
Actually, I forgot to tell you my exciting news earlier. I finally paid off UNT, so I can go back to college now!!!! I've already signed up to take the THEA test again, but will need to study like a crazy person from now til April 25th. I'm really, really happy about this. Almost as happy as I am about the fact you have a date! Nice segue, huh?
So why do you think it'll end badly? It may end up brilliantly. Who knows? You don't want to do some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Speaking of shit that ends badly, though...I just spoke with the soon-to-be ex-husband. He decided he wanted to be an a-hole. You know what I did? I was an a-hole right back to him! Isn't that fantastic? I followed that up with, "So that was fun, right. Now, we can either do that kind of thing, or we can be grown-ups who put the children's well-being first. Which plan sounds better to you?" He got better pretty quickly. Apparently he's been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend again...you know, the one who fucked his twin brother, and now they'll never know which twin is the dad of her daughter? Yeah, her. Clearly, he's a hotshot right now because she'll always stand by him, I guess. Better her than me.
Love, Confusia

Love (or is it Estrogen?) Is In the Air...

2009-02-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I know you are driving today and so will probably not get this until later. I observed something very humorous this morning, and wanted to share.
As you know, here in 6th Grade Co-Education, Valentine's Day is a HUGE deal. The kids are bringing in their little gifts this morning like crazy, though it's not as bad as it was last year.
The girls come in bearing their gift-wrapped presents proudly, showing everyone that they have the goods. The boys, on the other hand...I'll put it this way...I think, that if they could tie a bit of rope around their gifts, and drag them behind them on the ground, they would. It is SO funny! They've got them stuffed in backpacks. They're holding teddy bears around the neck, while almost visibly lengthening their arms to become knuckle draggers. They've got things stuffed in pockets, hidden in shirts...OMG! It's cracking me up. I guess Valentine's Day is not a very manly holiday. The differences in the genders at this age is a source of endless amusement to me.
Love, Confusia

Happy Birthday, My Friend.

2009-02-13T07:16:00.001-08:00

Since I won't be near a computer on February 15th,
Happy Early Birthday, Carl P. Weber.
Love, Confusia

Happy Hallmark Holiday! (A Pre-VD Special)

2009-02-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

Robert Smith taking a break from New Wave Angst.

Robert Smith posing for Confusia's favorite teen magazine "Star Hits" in 345 BC

Robert Smith asleep in Terps' bed after a wild night.

Robert Smith, shaken and stirred.

Robert Smith wearing "Crimson Sculpture" lipstick and eyeliner. There was a really cute guy in confusia's 10th grade World History class that looked much like this. It's a wonder Confusia was able to concentrate on her school work.

Robert Smith says, "Come hither."

Robert Smith after Confusia asked him out. He followed up with, "Oh. You're serious."

We rag tag Beasties back at the hotel. ha ha Confusia says, "Ad-Rock is hot."

Terpsichore once listed her dream job as "Having sex with Mike D for money."

Terps is a really smart girl. I wish I'd thought of it first. :)

"Yes, Please."-Confusia

That neck just begs to be li...I'm sorry, TMI?

Love, love, love Mr. Brody's nose.

I used to have this picture on my wall, but my soon-to-be ex husband preferred that I take it down. Screw him. I think it's going back up.

Why is this damn picture so small?

Heroic Adrien Brody.

Mmm.

Thursday = Friday

2009-02-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,
I am so excited about today. I mean not really, but I'm excited that I don't have to work tomorrow or Monday and so today feels like a Friday to me. Granted I do have to make that hellish drive tomorrow. And it's hardly going to be like a party weekend, but still, I won't be at work again until Tuesday. Yippee! Sadly, I will be missing out on two days of in-service training (boo hoo), but somehow I'll make it through.
How have you been?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Do you think it's possible to have a mid-life crisis at my age? I mean, I know I'm only 23, but it just seems like I'm bored out of my mind with the same old routine. You know, I think this must be the age at which people do weird shit. Maybe I should get a new tattoo, or new hairstyle or color. I don't really want to become a hari krishna or anything; I just want to do something I don't usually do...and no, using a semi-colon just now doesn't count. Oh well, I'll think of something. Maybe it's time for more belly dance classes. Who knows?
I'm waiting somewhat impatiently for my income tax refund. Until I get it, I am a poor little churchmouse. No high rolling for me. ha ha I say that like I'm ever a high roller..:) For me, high rolling is Wal-Mart instead of the Dollar Store. Oh well, that's working in education, for you.
Sorry this is so rambling. I'm going to do a fantastic post in a bit. It's going to be a VD extravaganza, just you wait and see! ha ha
I hope your mom is doing well. I also hope I manage to spend some time with you this weekend. Perhaps we can arrange to picket a Hallmark store or some such thing...
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Perhaps the first new, weird, and exciting thing you can do is claim the age you actually are. That might make for some wild and crazy entertaining. Below I have made a list of potential Valentine's Day activities we could engage in:
1) Picket or pipe bomb any and all Hallmark stores
2) Buy really cheap booze, drink it all, and hang out in the parking lots of all the upscale restaurants in the greater DFW area
3) One of us could throw ourselves in front of all florist delivery vans and while the driver is stopping to check on our well-being, the other cold climb into the van and do some shearing a la Morticia Addams
4) Hey wait a second. Don't you have a beau these days???
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Seriously, 23, 24 same difference. Claim my real age, indeed! ha ha
1.) Or we could into several of them dressed in Gothic glory and make fun of everyone.
2.) Buy cheap booze, drink it all, go in and devour guacamole in all the upscale restaurants...
3.) Perfect just the way it is. And since we'll already be in head-to-toe gothic for Number 1, we'll look like Morticia, too.
4.) I don't know if he's a "beau" as we have not had any awkward "BF/GF" conversations. I would like to see him at some point, but he may have to work. I'll have to just see how it goes. I would also like to get him some chocolate because he loves it so, and he's really good at sharing. :) sigh...He's really a good person for me...A few weeks ago we went out to eat and he complained because I wasn't taking big enough bites of his cheesecake. :) Yes. He needs chocolate. And kisses.
Okay, so even though I really like him alot, I still do not like Valentine's Day because it is a holiday made for bitching. I mean, why not just call it "Happy Bitch Day" because that's what everyone does. The men gripe because they're stressing out on what to get for their sig. others. The girls gripe because the men didn't get the right thing. That's the couples. Single people gripe because they're single...What the hell good is it to have a holiday that makes almost everyone unhappy??? Other Confusia suggestions for better names for Feb. 14th include:
1. Happy Binge Drinking Day
2. Happy Vomit in Your Mouth Day
3. Happy Everyone in the World Has Someone Who Loves Them but You Day.
4. Happy Hopelessly High Expectations Day
5. Happy Velvet Heart Factory Day
Any more I might have missed???
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
6. Happy Do You Know How Many Bug Parts Are In Your Russell Stover Box? Day
7. Happy I Guess I'll Just Go Home and Kill Myself Day
8. Happy the Colors Red, Pink, and White Make Me Violent Day
9. Happy Wasn't This a Terrib le Massacre? And Isn't It Still? Day
10. Happy I Have an Illness That Makes Me Love Necco Conversation Hearts Day
Dear Terps,
I'd forgotten about your little addiction to those hearts. I prefer the Sweet Tart Hearts myself. Note to self: Pick up a box at the store tonight...
Of course, the one good thing about VD is that it's Rob Thomas' birthday. So, Happy Birthday, Rob Thomas!
Love, Confusia

Why Do the Hoodlums ALWAYS Find Me?

2009-02-10T06:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
Yesterday afternoon when I pulled up at the babysitter's house to pick up the two youngest, I noticed that one of the neighbor's kids was outside playing in the mud puddles. I went into the babysitter's house for a second, and when I got back out with the kids, I noticed that the word, "Bitch" was scrawled on my car door in mud. The neighbor's kid had moved to the other side of the yard. I put the kids in the car, and went to knock on his door. His mom answered. I said, "Hi. Your son just wrote the word 'Bitch' on my car door." She said, "Oh no. He doesn't cuss." I replied, "Well, it happened in the last three minutes, and he's the only one out here." She said, "Well, I'll ask him about it, but I know he doesn't cuss." I left. Of course, nothing was done about it, because her little darling doesn't cuss.
This morning, I dropped my son off at school, and took particular joy in the fact that my neighbor works at his school. She has morning duty in the car drop-off line. So, I drove my car, with "Bitch" still written on it, through her line. I knew that all the proper Crowley parents would raise their perfectly waxed eyebrows, and she would know that it was her son who did it. Good times. After that, I drove to the gas station and washed the door off.
Next time, I will skip the middle man, and go straight to the source. I will look at that little heathen, and say, "Your mom doesn't think you cuss, but I know you do, and guess what? So do I. So, you're going to get your little punk ass out there and wash my fucking door off, you little bastard, or I'm going to call the fucking po-lice out here to give you a ticket for vandalism, you little fuck."
Life is so much easier when you cease trying to be courteous and politically correct, don't you think?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Seems like your week has gotten off to an interesting start.
Being at work today is like torture for me. I just got off the phone with my dad who told me they had just come to get my mom and take her back for surgery prep. It just sucks to be stuck here pretending like it's just a normal day and that my mom isn't having an operation that will cause her a minimum of three months rehab, ya know? At least my two oldest borthers are there with my dad. Maybe it'll keep him from stressing out too much. Suddenly I'm just not really that interested in the sonnets these ladies are writing.
Also, we are obligated to give up half of our planning periods everyday to score applications for next years students. Neat! That is exactly what I'm dying to do.
Love, Terp
P.S. In totally unrelated new...I read on Yahoo! today that the way to look younger is to gain wieght.
Dear Terps,
Dammit, I just wrote a lovely response, and it got erased. I shall try to remember what I wrote.
I will say a prayer for your mom, but I think she'll surprise everyone with how well she does. I think she's a formidable woman who will not be content to stay off her feet. I think she'll see it as, "I have too many people to take care of, so I'm going to get up." For my money, I'd bet you all will have a fight on your hands to keep her down long enough. I don't know why so many moms are that way. It's like we're brainwashed, or have an extreme "nurture chip" implanted during the first delivery. I'm also glad your brothers are there with your dad, though, because I'm sure he's really nervous. You'll be up here this weekend, so try not to worry too much. Your brothers will be ready for a break by then, and the cavalry (ie. YOU) will arrive.
Re: gaining weight to look younger. I hope this means that I look at least ten years younger, although now I don't know if I should lose weight or not. I've often wondered about that because I've seen younger women who are thin who look older than I do. This might be due to my inability to see reality in the mirror though, so I'm not too certain. I just think that my completely flawless skin goes well with my size five hips and flat abdomen. ;)
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I guess I'm totally screwed because the only skinny part of me is my face. Imagine the luck. As for the calvary arriving...Thankfully for my parents' sakes, Michelle is going to spend the weekend there with them so she can actually do things like cook. Because unless they want to eat microwave popcorn and drink vodka tonics the whole time, I'm useless.
Love, Terp

Planets Align. Confusia Gets a Free Day.

2009-02-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I am writing to you in orange today particularly because I am in a good mood. I had the best Saturday! Magically, I ended up with a free day and night. My sister had the baby. Isaac's dad had him, and Confusia, Jr. was at my mom's house. FANTASTIC!
I texted my new friend and asked him if he were free, and he asked me when I would be over. I asked him if he had a time preference. He texted back, "Now." :) I liked that answer. So I spent the whole day and evening with him just relaxing and having fun. It was SOOOOO nice to get a break from all the crap that's been happening lately. We watched a movie or two, drank a lot, played a game on his computers, and stayed up all night. It was brilliant. I've been in a good mood ever since. While I know that now it's back to the day to day grind, I am very grateful to have had a day to not talk about my troubles, or worry about EVERYTHING! I am also grateful that in the middle of this awful time for me, there has been this amazing gift of a man I can be myself with, and laugh with, and who teaches me stuff, and who is an amazing human being. It's been so long since I've been around a man who entertains me and fascinates me so much. It's an absolute delight.
Okay, so now that I've been all gushy, I can also say that it's a wonderful thing that in the midst of hardship, you experience so much kindness from others. Yesterday, two of my sisters and my step-mother came over to my house, and we all worked for a few hours cleaning. The house was a mess...totally out-of-control because all last week I was busy day and night dealing with either kid meltdowns, or sick children, etc. It was so nice of them all to come over and help me. I appreciated it a great deal. We also had a meeting on what to do with Confusia, Jr., and it's nice to have the whole family involved with solving this dilemna.
I want to take just a second before I close to give "props" to my step-mom. As you know, I had a step-mom for five years when I was a child who, I'm pretty sure, was the direct descendent of Satan. ha ha That is not the case now. My dad's taste has sure improved alot. I really love my new step-mother. Apart from how happy she makes my dad (and I'm talking about them sending Christmas cards of them wearing matching shirts kind of happy.) she has been a total life-saver throughout this heinous month. She has picked up Jr. from school, brought balloons and coloring books to Isaac in the hospital, babysat the baby so I could get Jr. or Isaac to doctors, listened to me vent, and is now about to be Jr.'s substitute mother. I don't know if you could ask any more of someone, and she has done it all without complaint. I'm grateful for her.
Anyhow, my last post was full of complaints and sorrow, so I wanted to balance that with a post expressing gratitude for all the wonderful and amazing people(and that includes you!) who have shown me love and support through one of the worst times of my life. It is a great lesson in humility and brotherly love when one receives so much of the best of people when one is feeling particularly low and downtrodden. Thank you for being there, too. Once again, you've shown me what a lucky day it was when I was hired at that hellish Elementary school with you. :)
Love you, Confusia

How To Make This Clearer

2009-02-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,
UGH! ARGH! WTF??? Class started three minutes ago. Everyone is working on completing writing projects that have been started but not finished. I said, "Because it's important that we get these pieces completed within the first hour of class today, everyone needs to be respectful of each other working and not talk." Within 30 seconds, the class was so loud I could not hear a girl standing in front of me asking a question. So again I stated, "There should be no talking right now. Everyone needs to be finishing incomplete pieces." After 30 seconds, the talking had started again. I then asked the class, "Should we work on a writing piece in which each of you writes what it means to be quiet and the consequences of chosing to talk when you have been asked three times to stop?" Finally, they stopped talking. Seriously, three times in three minutes. It's not like I teach in an SED class anymore. I get it. It's Friday. Trust me, nobody is more aware of that than me, but come on. How long until lunch???
Love, Terps

Dear Terps,
I am enjoying my own little portion of Hell today, so don't feel alone. Last night, I took my son to the ER because he's been sick for three days, and it won't go away. He was burning up, throwing up, totally lethargic, and looks like he's lost 10 pounds. The doctor at the ER admitted him, so he spent the night there last night, and probably won't be released til tomorrow. I am really worried about him. He won't eat anything other than 2 cheetohs five hours apart. Without food, I'm worried that his body won't have enough calories to fight off the infection. It turns out he's got strep throat, which is insane, because he hasn't complained about his throat hurting at all. I thought it was the flu. He looks so pale lying in the hospital bed with an IV in his little arm. He can't even walk because he's too weak. A few minutes ago, the babysitter called to tell me that the baby is throwing up now, too. I just got Con, Jr. out of the hospital Monday, and she's still up to all of her fun behaviors. In the past three weeks, I have been through TEN different completely devastating events. I mean, any ONE of these things would have been insane to deal with, but TEN!!!! I'm beginning to just feel like I'm going to crumble. Half the time I don't know whether I want to cry, throw up, or crawl into bed and refuse to come out until next January. I swear, I think the only thing that is keeping me from a nervous breakdown is my fantastic daydreaming ability. I just won't think about more than one of these things at a time, and that only when I'm being forced to do so, which unfortunately, is frequent. I'm going to talk to a counselor next week and I'm hoping that will help. I haven't been home before 9:30 any night this week. that may sound normal to most people, but not for a single mother of three. The housework is building up with me not there to do it. I just go from doctor appt. to hospital, to this relative's house, to that relative's house, checking on one kid, filling another's prescription, to work, back to the doctor's office. Some days, I feel so overwhelmed. I feel bad because I've been so busy dealing with all of Confusia, Jr.'s issues, that I'd taken my son to his dad's so he could watch him while he's sick. Now my son is worse off, and I feel it's because I didn't get him to a doctor sooner. I feel like shit. I needed to vent.
Confusia
Dear Confusia,
Yes, so I guess you are right. I have no reason to complain about chatty girls, all things considered. It was helpful to read your reply so as to ground me a little better. It helps too that I have a new class right now that is taking an exam and that are totally silent. (And boy do I love silent.)
So, I'm so sorry to hear that the kids are sick. I can't believe how the shit just keeps stacking up against you. It seems overwhelming to me and I'm only hearing about, not dealing with it. If you need anything from me, let me know. I know I can't be a huge help from so far away, but I'll do what I can. I'll definitely buy you a chocolate cake shot next weekend if we get to see each other. I know alcohol is a temporary fix, but it's better than no fix at all.
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
If you want to complain about chatty girls, feel absolutely free to do so. They get on my effing nerves, too. :)
I also can't believe how everything just keeps going. I thought for sure after the first thing, that it would be fine. Then the second thing happened, then the third, and so on...I seriously am flabbergasted! I keep in mind, though, that despite it being as bad as it is, it could still be so much worse. I just love my little Isaac so much, and he is such a sweetheart, that seeing him so miserable hurts. I'm hoping that I can get the baby to the doctor right away so she doesn't get where Isaac is now.
As for the cake shot, you're on. Anything helps. If I could, I'd be going to a resort hotel tonight with my, um, friend, and a massive bottle of Capt. Morgan's. I'd get drunk and unmake the bed very, very well...ha ha I realize that's a horrible thing to say, but a little brevity helps me deal better.
Love, Confusia

PLEASE!!!!

2009-02-05T13:13:00.001-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 45 minutes. I am afraid that I might have to walk out of the room, go directly to my car, and drive away. I just don't know if I have it in me to last another 45 minutes. Oh shit! I just remembered that I have an after school work out club today. That means I need enough strength to make it through an hour and 45 minutes. In that case, PLEASE help me!
Love, Terps

It's a Good Lip Day.

2009-02-04T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps, Dear Confusia,
It's not often that I express pleasure about my lips (something about that sounds REALLY dirty...), and this is a really silly post, but I have to tell you that my lipstick turned out so beautifully today. (Wow! I'm impressed you bother with lipstuck. I stopped wearing that shit years ago. These days, I just slap on some cheap lip balm [current flavor watermelon] and call it a day.) I caught sight of my lips in my rear view mirror in the car, and just thought, "Behold!" ha ha (It's always so nice when you get a reminder of the fact that you aren't an ugly, used-up old hag. At least I'd guess it is.)
On a side note, my ass is still big. (Speaking of big asses...I think I mentioned that I have given up processed food. With that has come some significant weight loss. However, all of those pounds have obviously come out of my already extraordinarily small peanut head and non-existent boobs, because my ass is still packing a powerful punch.)
I have a few kids with me in In-School Suspension today, and that's unfortunate. My days are so much easier when there are no kids with me...ha ha Friday is a work day, though, so that will be an easy one. (It's sad that we consider teacher work days as a mini-holiday, huh?)This year has been my easiest since I started doing ISS. That's a good thing. I suppose that means that next year I will have a plethora of little hellions.
My W-2 arrived yesterday so once I file my taxes, I should have some money to come to Austin. The problem will be finding someone who can keep the baby overnight. I don't think I can stay for a whole weekend, but one night should be doable. (Ok, so as we plan this, if the one night could be Saturday night, that would work best for me because then I won't have to take Friday night off. Since I'm taking February 13th off to go up to visit my mom, I don't think I could pull taking another Friday off this month or probably next. Also, do you think you'll be able to break free at some point the weekend I'm up there?) We'll have to make plans for a good one. I wouldn't mind going to that all night karaoke place again...the byoliquor spot...If we had a good group, that would be quite fun. We'll have to remind Frank to bring earplugs, what do you think? And to make it a double...ha ha (Oh and a barf bag and possibly rotten fruit. He might want to start cultivating that now. More later Hot Lips.)
Love, Confusia Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
I am so effing irritated today. Why do these little hoodlums persist in being such whiny freakin' brats? They come to In-School Suspension acting like it's a treat! Then when I give them work to do, they say, (in the whiniest voices imaginable) "That's alot of work." or "I don't have any paper." or "I don't really want to do that." or "blah, blah, blah..."
Oh, dear, have I made your day unhappy, Little Children? Do you have to sit in here, and do your super duper difficult schoolwork? Awww... That's truly fucking heartbreaking. Now sit down, and shut the fuck up.
Okay, I feel better now.
Love, Confusia.
PS They have fucked up my euphoria over having beautiful lips today, the little assholes.

Borrowing from List of the Day today...sort of.

2009-02-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I noticed that on List of the Day, Cary has made Christian Bale the asshole of the day. I'm going to run with that idea, only I have a different nominee.
At 2:30 in the morning, I got a call from the soon-to-be-ex Mr. Confusia. I'd been up several times with my son, who was throwing up most of the night. I'd had a meltdown with Confusia Jr. earlier in the evening, etc. It was already a bad night. So I'm up getting a bottle for the baby, completely exhausted, and RING. It's him. He tells me that he really does love me, but he has alot on his mind, and could really use some encouragement, etc. Now, as most of my worst problems at the moment are because of him, and he knows it, why is he calling ME for encouragement...at 2:30 in the morning??? My thoughts were to say, "GROW THE FUCK UP!"
Would you consider that encouraging? Basically, what he got instead was silence, and then a, "You know, it's the middle of the night, and it's already been a rough one. I'm really not in an encouraging mood right now. I'm pissed off. I'm tired. I'm worried, and yes, I also have alot on my mind...like trying to get some sleep."
He hung up shortly thereafter. AAARRGGGGHHHHH!!!
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
What is that you think he intended for you to say? I mean what caused him to call you at 2:30? Did he think you were going to say, "You know what dear, let's forget everything that has ever happened between us and think of ways I make your life better,"? Wow. I need a drink just thinking about it. So what happens next?
We started semester 2 of sex ed today. I love the uncomfortable tension in the air. LOVE IT!
Love, Terps
P.S. You pissed that Bale was called an asshole?
Well, I didn't hear the recording, but it sound like it was a pretty good rant. If he was being an a-hole, he was being an a-hole. We all have our days, for sure.

Wake Me When It's Over.

2009-02-02T10:24:00.001-08:00

Dear Terps,
Lately, I feel like I'm totally running on auto-pilot. My house is a mess, though I did a bunch of work on it yesterday. My son is behind in his kindergarden homework. I just don't want to bother with much. I need to boost my energy...Well, not really my energy level. I have energy. It's that I'm bored with stuff. I'm bored of housework, bored of routine. I want to have an adventure. (A good kind of adventure, and not one that involves near-death experiences) Does any of this make sense, or am I rambling pointlessly?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
I absolutely feel your pain. I keep thinking I'm stuck in a rut. It sucks. Maybe we can try to have an adventure when I come up in a few weeks. I'm bored with my job and my life too. It feels like I'm just stuck in one long day that keeps repeating. Maybe it's exceptionally bad today because it's Groundhog's Day? I'm blaming it on Bill Murray.
Love, Terps

Wait! What do you mean it's Tuesday?

2009-01-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,

I just consulted my calendar to find that today is Tuesday. How can that be? How can it be that I have only worked one day this week? This must be some kind of mistake. Worse yet is that it is only 9:00 in the morning. Oh for the love...

We are giving benchmark tests today and tomorrow. There is that one part of me that thinks, "Ugh...really? We have to sit here in this room for three hours during which time I must do nothing but watch you children hunker in your seats and attempt to take a test?" Then, there is also that part of me that feels like I get a three hour break during which time I don't have to do anything but stare blankly at the students in my classroom. I don't have to try to entertain them, and I certainly don't have to (gasp!) teach them anything. Maybe it's not so bad. At least I was smart enough to bring a book to read. Between that and blogging, I should be able to fill the time. Then, this afternoon, instead of having 90 minute class periods, we only have 45 minutes. Maybe I can handle this.

So, I see that it's cold as nuts up in your neck of the woods. When I left my house at 5:20 this morning, it was 65 degrees outside, but by noon today, it is supposed to be down to 35 degrees. WTF? Oh how I hate the cold weather.

Love ya, Terps

Can the Week From Hell Finally End???

2009-01-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I'm slowly coming back. Now that everything's out in the open, I feel better able to handle it. I had a long talk with one of my sisters last night, and it helped alot.
Saturday, as you know, was not a fun day for me, either, but I'm okay, and have had very few side effects, and so have actually been quite lucky. I'm back at work today.
Yesterday I spent some time with my new friend, and found myself smiling despite all that's been going on, and that felt so good. I had a really good time, and I needed that so much.
I know there's still a way to go before all of this is resolved, but I'm beginning to feel functional again. That's a good feeling.
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
I'm glad to hear that things are a little more "normal" for you. Also, I'm very glad that Saturday turned out ok. I have nothing much to report regarding my weekend. I just worked and did laundry. It was pretty much same ol' same ol' for me. I have a stack of papers to grade. Don't wanna do it. Cannot believe they actually expect us to work a full week. What? FIVE days? You gotta be kidding!
Love, Terps

Curious

2009-01-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,
How are things going today? Any updates you can share?
Love, Terps

Teaching Through Mime

2009-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
Not sure if you could tell from my voice this morning, but I feel like shit. In fact, I am only here today because I felt too crappy to bother writing sub plans. I figured I might as well suck it up and come to school. Plus, who wants to waste a day off sitting at home feeling like this??? As luck would have it, I'm giving a test in two of my classes, so that'll make it a little more bearable. Also, my classes this semester seem calmer than last, so that helps. Here in a few weeks they'll start taking them out to tutor for the almighty TAKS. Unfortunately, that'll be during my sex ed unit, and sadly some of the girls who need tutoring the most are also the girls who need sex ed the most. But I guess since sex ed isn't a TAKS tested thing... I mean, of life long importance, yes, but still.
I hope I continue to feel like death tomorrow. That'll be fun. I get to go to the Warehouse at 4:30 and work until 10. I guess I should consider myself lucky. At least I don't have to work the closing shift, but the reason I'm not working the closing shift is that I have to be back at school on Saturday for our Open House. Since our school is a "by application" school, we have to set apart a Saturday every year where parents and girls can come in and tour the school and get help with their applications and junk like that. So much for this being a four-day week. Maybe I should just start taking copious amounts of flu/cold/allergy medication and float through these next few days. Sounds promising.
How's life in In School Suspension?
Love, Terps
Dear Terps,
Remember when we talked on the phone this morning and I told you I was on my way to work? Why didn't you tell me to turn around, go back home, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head? I mean, what's the problem?
I got to work, and at first, things seemed to be going pretty well. It wasn't freezing outside, etc. Then, I was standing with two of my co-workers doing morning duty, and we see a girl run up and plow into another girl. she knocked the girl flat on the ground and started punching her. I ran over as she began dragging the knocked down girl by the leg...At that point, I realize there is a mother involved also, yelling, "KICK HER ASS! KICK THAT BITCH'S ASS!" The three of us are trying to get the girls separated, and the mother looks like she's about to go for the girl, so I get in front of her and put up my arm to block her. Psycho gives me a look from hell, and kind of bucks up and says, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I just gave her a disgusted look. WTF??? Grow up a little, you think??? We got the girls and the mother inside. The principal storms out and tells us to take all of the kids into the gym and hold them there. We do that, then the other two women and I have to go in and talk to the police officer. I hope they arrested that stupid bitch. Seriously. Yes, I have some hard feelings, but the woman made my job a nightmare this morning, and for that, she needs to pay. I'm not sure what happened with all of that, but it was a good time. As you know, shortly thereafter, I got a call from my daughter's Vice Principal who told me that Jr. got busted smoking with some girls behind the gym. She is suspended for three days. This is following the three day suspension from last week. I'm telling you...PUBLIC CANING!!! There is a place for it in our society. I'm convinced of it.
I don't know what's going on lately. I feel like the world is sort of spinning off it's fucking axis to be honest. At least for me it is...What's with all the DRAMA!?!?!?!? I'm thinking about having Jr. smoke up till she pukes tonight. Just thinking about it. Don't know if I'll do it, though. I'm rather leaning towards just taking her to a safe baby site, and dropping her off. Do they take teenagers you think?
Love, Confusia
Dear Confusia,
It's funny you say that about the safe baby site. We were talking about that in my class last semester and one of the girls said she had read about a dad who tried to drop off four kids (one of which was 15 I think) at a local fire department. Turns out they rewrote that law because of it. As sadistic and awful as it sounds, I kind of like the smoke until you puke thing. I mean, if she wants to smoke so fucking badly, maybe that experience will make her give it a second thought the next time she starts to light up. I think I'm a fan of aversion therapy. Once my brother ate an entire pineapple upside down cake in one sitting, and he can't even look at pineapple now without heaving. Might have some merit.
Being as how I have approximately 2% of my voice left today, I am ETERNALLY grateful for my girls being so well-behaved today. (Though I did warn them that I had less personality than I did voice so they should probably take that into consideration.)
Have I mentioned feeling like shit???
Terps

Letting You Know

2009-01-21T09:57:00.001-08:00

I love you!

Dear Terps,
I know that I have some extremely tough days/weeks/months ahead. I'm not looking forward to them. I can say though, that I know that you love me, and I know you'll be there for me. I have no idea what's coming or what to expect, but please be ready for phone calls full of neuroses...The need to laugh at whatever possible will be of immense importance, and I will be relying on you for that, okay?
Love, Confusia

Dearest Confusia,
I know it would be a flat out lie to tell you I know what you are going through. I can not even begin to imagine. I'm sorry you're going to have to deal with this, and I wish there was something I could do to help you more than just saying I will be here for you every step of the way. I don't have much more to offer than an ear, a shoulder, a flask, but whatever I have that you might need will be yours. I'm hoping I can see you when I go to visit my mom in February. Regardless, call whenever you need anything.
Love, Terps

The Best Day EVER!!!!

2009-01-20T06:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I have more joy in my heart today than should be legal. Seriously, as crappy as this past week has been, this is one of the most beautiful days of my life.
NO MORE BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!
Let the congregation join me in praise!!!
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
I wish that I could be excited right now, but sadly, I am so pissed off at a coworker that I am having to use all my energy to keep from hitting her in the face. I hate when people get to me like this, and she ALWAYS gets to me like this because I fucking hate her. That's most unfortunate as she and I are on the same team and there are only two of us in that team. It's swell.
Terps

2009-01-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

See this little piece of machinery? Please avoid.

Dear Terps,

Above you will see a picture of an I.U.D., also known as a pregnancy enabler. As I mentioned to you earlier this week, mine apparently just...fell out. Disappeared into thin air. Vanished. I don't get this. It looks like a little crossbow that will shoot down any reproductive cells that get in it's way, and that's what it was supposed to do. A sort of "Zygote Invaders" video game plot, if you will. Instead, the damn thing fell out. How did I not notice this? I know the damn thing is tiny, but still, how did I not notice? I went to the doctor again yesterday (a different one) and he was shocked...SHOCKED! He said, "You are the first patient I've ever seen this happen to!" Yes, that's right. I am in that very special .0000000000000001 fucking percent. Aren't you jealous? I called the makers of this device and explained exactly how fourth dimensionally pissed I am about this. They were very sympathetic, offered to replace it free of charge. Yeah, because I want it to happen again, right? The doctor was a little smarter. He suggested, instead, a tubal ligation, which is EXACTLY what I intend to do. As long as co-pay isn't too much. He said since we don't know why this one came out, it would be kind of stupid to put another one in. So, income tax, hopefully only $100, will go this year to making me STERILE once and for all! It cannot happen too soon as far as I'm concerned.

The divorce is definitely on. I plan on filing early next week, and NOTHING will change my mind. I have come to the realization that I'd rather be married to marylin manson than him. He can fuck himself while simultaneously going to hell. That's how I feel.

Love, Confusia

Dearest Confusia,

I'm glad it's Friday too. Yes, the weather here is also cold, but the weekend looks promising.

So, you seem a little annoyed, and rightfully so. Have you contacted your insurance company about the co-pay for the procedure? I think that might be your best option. Let me know as you find out more about it. I actually did some Internet research and found that Mirena elpulsion happens more than you might realize. There were lots of women on message boards discussing it. Some of them were happy, however, because losing it had helped them with weight management. Of course, had they gotten pregnant, I guess there would be some weight gain...

Now, as for the divorce, clearly something more had happened to push you from serious consideration to filing next week. If you feel comfortable please share, if not here, via email.

Lastly, our new number one fan, Frank, is DYING to meet us. He insists that since we both live in Austin and you live only a few miles north (a few when you consider how many miles the Earth's circumference measures) you should come here for a "Meet Your Fan(s)" event. He has also recommended that we road trip it to Atlanta, but as I haven't been able to get you to Austin in over two years, I don't think Atlanta is doable in the near future. Plus, I hear rumor it 12 degrees there, so no thanks. Anyway, for Frank's sake, do you think you could plan a trip to Austin anytime in the near(ish) future?

I'm so glad we have a three day weekend!

Dear Terps,

If Frank feels he has the stomach for it, who am I to deny him the tremendously frightening experience of meeting us. (Frank, please, for your own sake, drink plenty, and put money aside for that retinal repair surgery you're going to need.) I will try to arrange a time soon when I can make it down. I haven't been for quite a while, it's true, and after this week from hell, I feel the need to either get out of town or have a lobotomy. Yes. It's been that good. I know I'm booked through next weekend. After that, I could probably plan something. Mid-February perhaps?? That way, we can plan a Valentine's Day rebellion. Burn Cupid in effigy, picket Hallmark, whatever we need to do.

Well, you are correct in that a few other things happened, but I don't know that I can really do them the justice they deserve. Suffice it to say, they are the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, or perhaps I should say a few more final nails...I just don't give a damn anymore. He has finally agreed and realized that there is no going back, so I can go ahead and file without fear that he will do anything bat shit crazy. That's good at least.

In the meantime, the VP needs my help in the office right now, so have to run. Will talk more later. Love, confusia

Dear Confusia,

Well, the upside is that it seems like you're coming for a visit! Yippee! Frank has no idea what he's in for!!!! (Insert wicked laughter here...) But when scheduling that, PLEASE remember that I will be up there the weekend of Valentine's because of my mom's surgery. Perhaps the weekend following that? Just let me know.

So, I wish I had more information about your divorce situation. I'm curious as to what's happened to cause you to know that he won't go bat shit crazy. Maybe you can call me if you get a chance this weekend.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I just wish it was an hour later. Here's hoping that your weekend is a good one.

Love ya, Terps

Dear Terps,

Could this work day get any longer? I want to do something fun tonight. I want to get drunk and silly. I want to pretend my life is perfect just for a little while. I have got to figure out something to do tonight if I possibly can.

Dear Confusia,

It's almost comical how fucking long this whole week has felt. It's too bad you can't just jump in your car and come down this weekend. I seem to remember an MLK weekend you came down once before. (Uhm, I kind of remember it.) Ah, those were the good old days... (SIGH!)

Attention Frank! (Not to be read by Confusia)

2009-01-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Frank,
I have this great idea. I never seem to be able to get Confusia down to Austin for a visit. She always gives me some story about kids and responsibility and junk like that. So, I was thinking last night that if I got into cahoots with you and got her thinking that as the only person other than us that ever reads our blog, you are now our number one fan and are dying to meet us, that might motivate her to get her ass down here. You in???
Terps

Can't You See I'm Busy Here? Geeze!!!!!

2009-01-14T08:29:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
You have got to be kidding me! When the bell rings at the end of class, there is a FIVE minute break before the next class starts. How in the world do I already have kids opening the door trying to get in when the bell rang one second ago? What kind of Star Trek related device did they use to get here at the exact moment that they should have been walking out of another class? Or is some other teacher letting their students out early for fear that she or he might kill someone if the kids hang around one second longer? I mean really? Come on!
So, I've been thinking about the "situation" that you shared with me via text this morning and was wondering if you have contacted the manufacturer of said device? Is there some way you could sue and then support me with your court winnings? Oh fuck! The little douche bags want me to teach them now. Ugh! More later!
Terps
Ah ok, I'm back. I forget how easy it is to get the 6th graders involved in working. They are still young and sweet (or at the very least, afraid) enough to actually work when you give them an assignment. Their assignment is to write a sonnet. That should take them awhile. We are on block schedule, and today is an A Day. A Days are always tough for me because I have 3 different preps. In fact, I spent twenty minutes during my off period preparing for my next class and then realized that I don't have that class until this afternoon. A very productive use of my time. Ugh!
Hhhhmmmm....what can I tell you about? Oh yes, my mom is having knee replacement surgery on February 10th. I'm going to spend that following weekend up there to help my dad out. I know that Michelle (she's staying there to help as well) and I will have to cut out of there as soon as she goes to bed to relieve the stress, so if you have some free time, we should get together. I realize one of those days is Valentine's Day, so you might already have plans for that, but maybe that Friday night. Just an idea. In fact, I should be good and ready to go out and have some fun then. I don't know if I told you this or not, but I have given up eating any sort of processed foods. I'm doing the all natural, whole grains only kind of stuff. I did, however, decide that special events would allow me to stray from that for a limited time. I've decided that the weekend I'm there constitutes a special event. In other words, I will be ready for some chips, tortillas, and guac! Oh, and some vodka....lots and lots of vodka.

Dysentery Hearts Confusia

2009-01-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
My weekend was not so hot, although it was the weekend, so it does have that one little upside. I've decided to invest in the companies that make the following products: Pepto Bismol, Pepcid, Nexxium, and Captain Morgan. I swear, my stomach has not been right for two weeks straight. Do you think it might have something to do with stress? Hmm. No way! It would be totally freaking crazy to think that!
So Mr. Confusia was in town this weekend. On. My. Nerves. Finally, last night, I managed to say, "I'm leaning towards continuing on with the divorce." I explained to him that I have some very unfriendly feelings toward him, and that the anger and bitterness is making me feel sick. I told him that I needed my freedom so I could deal with it. I have no problems remaining friends, I just can't be married to him. It was the kind of fun that can only be had when things are as uncomfortable as possible. It went okay, though. I'd had enough of the weekend alternating between shitty comments and come-ons. I mean, not that putting me down isn't an excellent way to get me into bed, but...FUCK! Get REAL!!! He told me he was sorry, and that he's just sexually frustrated, to which I responded, "So? That doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to me." He agreed with me. Anyway, I'm just glad that I've got that off my chest now. Yes. I want a divorce.
Whew...
Confusia Jr. is also causing me major dysentery issues. I caught her smoking the other day. Today, she wore jeans to school even though she knows it's not allowed so she got two more days of In School Suspension. Honestly, I think they should just put up a cot in the ISS room and keep her there 24/7. She's heading that way anyway. My mom asked me today what I thought of maybe sending her to Romania to live with her Aunt Anna for awhile. She said not knowing the language would slow Jr. down a bit. I don't know what to think of this. Honestly, I think she and Anna are so much alike that they'd kill each other within the first 48 hours. I think a much better solution, therefore, would be to send ME to live in Romania for awhile.
Also on the kid front, the baby threw one of my shoes in the toilet last night. What the hell did I ever do to her? She looked up at me and smiled, "Look, Mom! Isn't that great? It's your SHOE!, and it's in the WATER!!!" More Pepto, more Tums, etc. Why is everyone always saying boys are so difficult? Mine is the sweetest little bunnykins ever! ha ha Actually, the baby makes me laugh alot, and she's very good, too, so can't gripe just because she doesn't understand that toilets are disgusting. To her, it's a little wishing well, of sorts.
I want to go home. I don't want to be at work today. Truly. I don't exactly know why...it's not terrible or anything. I just want to go home. Supposed to go out this weekend, so that gives me something to look forward to, and Friday is payday, but I still feel tired. I want to go home, crawl into my soft, warm bed, and read or sleep. Dysentery takes alot out of me.
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,

I would write a lot of interesting and witty stuff, but I'm a bit distracted being as how some 40 year old man wandered into our school today, made his way into my classroom while I was at lunch, and stole $66 from my purse. I mean I guess I should be elated that he didn't take my credit cards or identification, but Im still a bit.....uhm, bothered by it.

Terps

Are you serious? How did this guy get in? Why do they always find you??? Were other teachers missing stuff, too?

Yep, I'm serious, sadly. My school shares a building with the Professional Development Center. So, although we have all of these hoops you have to jump through to get into our side of the building, they clearly don't. Unfortunately, we are locked out of their side, but they aren't locked out of ours. Something to do with the fire code. So, he walked in on their side, came over to ours during lunchtime, and walked into 8 classes (or at least that's how many they could see from the cameras we have in our school.) We got $66 from me and $200 from another teacher (who had taken the cash out that morning to go pay some bills that afternoon.) It was neat. It's so much fun teaching for the rest of the afternoon when you feel totally violated. I love this job.

Is the Bell BROKEN?

2009-01-09T13:46:00.001-08:00

Dear Confusia,

Is it just me or should school already be over by now. Why does it seem that the clock has stopped advancing? I'm pretty sure that it's been 3:50 for two hours now. At least it feels that way. I don't know why I want to leave so badly. I'm just going directly from here to the Warehouse. I have to be there at 4:30, but really. I swear. I think time has stopped. WTF???
Have a great weekend!
Terps

Updates on Confusia's Fucked Up Situation...

2009-01-08T12:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps, (Terps replies in blue)
Just when I thought life was interesting enough, all kinds of weird things occur. So I told you about the person I work with from time to time, and how I had developed a sort of crush on him. I also told you I didn't think anything would come of it, etc. He's very smart, and funny, and younger than me (Geez, like that's something different.) So the last day before break, he gives me his phone number, and I barely manage to not do cartwheels, right? I did however, manage to give him my number,too. The Monday after we got out on break, I looked at my phone and realized that he'd texted me the day before. I texted him back, and we end up going to a Lebanese restaurant and hookah bar, where, for the first time in my life, I smoked a hookah. I felt like Byron, or (more appropriately) Coleridge, only it was just tobacco. Hookahs are surprisingly pleasant. This was flavored with watermelon, and was very sweet. (The thought of it kind of makes me wanna gag. I hate watermelon. But please, continue...) I had a really good time with my new friend. After the hookah, I went home. A few days later, he took me and the baby to an arcade type place where we played pool and several arcade games. Again, alot of fun...A few days after that, I went to his place and we drank raspberry ale, watched alot of episodes of Red Dwarf, went to lunch, etc. I always have such a good time with him.
Meanwhile, Mr. Confusia, who, as you know, I have been separated from for over three months now, is very unhappy. (Shocking!) He doesn't live with me any longer, and isn't sharing my room, either, and he thinks this is all because of my new friend. (Despite the fact that you've been separated for several months and this just started???) No. It has more to do with the fact that I'm just totally tired of his endless drama and being in and out of my life. Together for two and a half years, he left me and the kids FIVE times...including three days after we got married (That was probably very telling...) and the day after we brought the baby home from the hospital. (Oh, for the love...) Don't know if you know this, but the last time he left, he threw a food processor threw my car windshield (Oh...that explains the windshield tape when you stopped by my house that morning...) , smashed the aquarium that was in our living room thereby flooding living room and kitchen (46 gallons is alot of water), smashed my phone, etc. He has NOW decided that I am the only woman in the world who can make his life complete. (Or, you're the only one who ever put up with his shit.) He knows he messed up, and is changing, etc. (And I have some ocean-front property I'd like to sell you.) He even got a tattoo that stands for "forever" on his ring finger. (I just threw up a little bit.) It is driving me berserk!!!!!! I cannot put enough exclamation points behind that sentence! I feel that he is just being territorial, like, "Oh, some guy is moving in on my woman, and I've got to prove that I'm the one she chooses.", etc. I think that if he thought I would stand still long enough for him to urinate on me to prove his point, he probably would. (Some women like that. Maybe he should do some research.) I don't like this. I think it's a bunch of middle school crap. (Which I assume you see enough of Monday-Friday from 8-4???)
So, I've got this situation...I really like this person who I have a crush on, and I'm really tired of the situation with Mr. Confusia. I want to go ahead and pursue divorce, but here's where I would like your opinion, and those of anyone else who have the misfortune to read this post...Do you think I'm bored and pursuing someone else because it's a new thing? or do you think I have adequate reason for not wanting to continue my marriage? (Hhhhhmmmm...here's where I'm confused. Usually when there is an A or B question at hand, the two answers are like opposite sides of a coin. If what you were asking is do you think I should give up on my marriage in order to immediately marry this other guy or should I give my marriage another shot, I'd understand the question, but as it's stated here, I don't seem how these two things are contingent upon each other. I think the answer could be yes to both of those. Could you be pursuing someone else because it's new? Yes. Do you have adequate reason for not wanting to continue your marriage? Yes. It would be one thing if the only reason why you are considering a divorce is to date this guy. But to my knowledge you were considering divroce well before you knew if there would be anything to this relationship with the other guy. If I am incorrect, and you have only begun to consider divorce because this guy might like you, then you need to do some serious thinking. If you are considering a divorce because your marriage is dysfunctional and it's something you would be doing regardless of who was in your life, then you know what you need to do.) He is being alot nicer, taking his medicine, etc. I just really think that as soon as he thinks he's got me, he'll start the whole stupid possessiveness, the controlling, the mindgames, and all the other shit he does up again. (Old dog, new tricks. Unlikely.) Mr. Confusia thinks my choice is between him and the other person. I feel like my choice is between him and the freedom to be myself without fear of being retaliated against. What do you think? Confusia, who is named very appropriately lately.
PS. I forgot to mention that this new person is SO interesting to me. I nver know what he's going to say or do next. I feel like my brain is waking up after a long slumber. That feels so good to me. I would also like to say that he does have access to this blog, though I don't know if he reads it or not. That is why he is being referred to as "person" instead of by his name...to protect the innocent, you know. Did I mention that I really like him alot? (Uhm...if this is some kind of covert operation so that he won't know that you're talking about him, I think you failed. He probably knows that he's the one you went hookah smiking with, no? Or is this some sly way of you telling him you like him without coming right out and saying it? Hhhhhmmmmmm.....coy.)

But I Don't Wanna...

2009-01-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

Be back at work. Why oh why, Dearest Confusia, do they make us work? Why can't I find a position as a woman of leisure? I can't quite decide if my situation is better because I teach only semester classes so it's like hitting rewind and play. Or if maybe my situation is worse because I have to do all the same shit with a new crew. Ugh! The truth is, I just don't want to work.
How was your holiday?
Terps

For the Love...

2008-12-18T06:01:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
I have to be honest with you. As much as I am so glad that today is the last day until vacation, I am so dreading it because I know it will be a complete and total cluster fuck. This is just one of the things about today that reminds me what a nightmare the school system is. We got an email two weeks ago EXPLICITLY reminding us that today is a SCHOOL DAY and should be treating as one. The students should be engaged in learning activities in every class, blah, blah, blah. Well, yesterday we got one saying that are grades are dur by 8:00 AM. That means they are due right now. So, despite the fact that today is a school day, we can't expect the kids to do anything we might want to take a grade on? WTF? I went to my attendance clerk and told her that I have students turning in projects all the way until 3:55 this afternoon and there was no way I could have my grades done by 8, unless they want me to give everyone incompletes and then go back and change the grades later. WTF? Seriously. Oh, and I have lots of other shit to bitch about, but I haven't the time right now. Later....I promise.
Terps
Ok, I shall continue. We were told that we didn't have to come into work tomorrow if we had everything done by the end of the day today. Well, clearly if we have all of our grades in by 8 this morning (haha) then we shouldn't have anything left to do, right? So all in all it seems like a good gig. We don't have to work tomorrow. But wait...there's more. Turns out that we have a meeting after school in which we have to go over every single student, one by one, and determing if she needs to be on a contract, if she is doing fine on her own, or if we need to go through the dismissal process. REALLY? Every girl? Do you have any idea how long that'll take? I have a guess....FOREVER!
Wow, that really blows. We actually have school today and tomorrow with no early dismissal. That blows, too. I got a call from Confusia, Jr.'s school this morning asking me why she was absent today. Only problem, I dropped her off at school today. She decided to leave with this little male heathen she thinks is her boyfriend. I asked them to transfer me to the campus policeman. I spoke with him, telling him he might want to run by my house to see if they were there, and if they were to just put the fear of God into them. He laughed and said he would. I got a call back a bit later saying he'd found them. Confusia, Jr. doesn't know what kind of hell her life will be tonight, I guarantee you. I am beyond pissed at her. She said, "But we weren't doing anything." Like that makes it all okay. Like skipping school with some little asshole is alright because they weren't "doing anything". Where's my proof of that, anyway? I'm not kidding. She is in for a seriously UNGODLY amount of shit from me when I get him. She only thought getting reamed over the phone in her AP's office was uncomfortable. Why doesn't CPS allow torture? That's my question for today. Teenagers suck ass...
-Confusia

Another year, another staff party, another chance to be an ass...

2008-12-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
So funny to log on here and see that you started a blog with this title. I might have mentioned to you yesterday that our staff party is tomorrow night. I guess I'm going to go, but I'm less excited about it than I was last year. I think the reason I'm less excited about it is that there aren't as many wild and weird types (such as ourselves) so I have to carry the weight of the whole group, ya know? Anyway, last year I went to the party equipped with my two favorite party items, guacamole and vodka. Sadly, I didn't bring enough of either. I guess this year I will at least be better prepared. I have to come up with a white elephant gift as well. Last year, I brought what I thought was the best possible white elephant gift. It was a stocking filled with all of the "Greatest Teacher" type ornaments that I have received over the last ten years. Sadly, that's not something I can repeat again for another ten years. Any ideas? In fact, that's the questions I have for all of our loyal readers (or any random person who happens on here). What should my white elephant gift be for our faculty party?
Also, this morning, I sat in the cafeteria during the choirs' performances thinking about how I couldn't wait to get in here to tell you all about it. First off, our choir director is a complete and total bitch. Even the other teachers here at school are afraid of her. Though there is some part of me that admires how fucking mean she is, I'm too scared of her to study her for pointers. Anway, the girls walked onto the stage and they have choir dresses this year. Well, none of the other kids had seen them in their choir dresses yet so they were all clapping and cheering about how nice the girls looked. To add to that, the choir girls were all beaming and waving at their friends and all. It was a really sweet moment, ya know? Then Choir Director Hitler gets on the mic and says, "We can't perform until we have appropriate audience behavior. This is a choir concert, not a football game." So, there is a stunned silence that falls over the crowd. Even the teachers (who are used to her anti-social ways...btw, she's our social committee director, oh the irony) were taken aback by her harshness. Anyway, they precede to do their performance and it occurred to me that there are two things that seem to happen at every choir concert ever. First, there is always one song in which they use sign language. I don't know for sure, but do you think a lot of deaf people attend public school choir concerts? I'm not deaf, but if I was, I don't think I'd get a lot of joy out of watching people sing. And then the other thing that they always do is some kind of choreographed "dance routine" which involved Jazz Hands and a shuffle to the left then a shuffle to the right. I decided as I was sitting in that cafeteria this morning watching those girls do that little dance routine that that is the exact reason why I would have never tried out for choir. (That in the fact that I'm tone deaf.)
It's FRIDAY!!!!!
Love, Terps
BTW, I've seen the photos. Wow...
Dear Terps,
I 've never met the Choir Director and I admire the hell out of her...ha ha No. Not really. There's a fine line between being mean to kids the way WE are mean to kids, and just being a bitch. Like, if I'm lining up the kids in I.S.S., and I say, "Okay, Delinquents, get in line." It's funny. Or, remember when our favorite student got stuck when he fashioned his own shirt into a makeshift straitjacket and we stood over him and laughed? That's funny. Getting Third Reich on a group of kids for cheering for their choir buddies is just being, well, a Nazi.
Yes, it's Faculty Christmas Party time once again. Last year, I got pretty well smashed. I believe I will try to show a little more restraint this year. However, we've got some good drinkers attending, so competition for most drunk should get pretty stiff. I love my co-workers. God Bless 'em. There's the self-titled "Drunken Debutante". My principal, who thinks he can be more of a karaoke queen than me, the science teacher who dresses her baby in pirate print diapers....I love them all. You should come to OUR staff party, because it's gonna be awesome.
As for White Elephant gifts..I don't really think you could top the bag full of "Teacher" ornaments. I've got a bunch of those weighing down my own tree at home, as a matter of fact. Isn't it funny how they're always made of the heaviest materials? I've got several five pound ceramic ornaments... They're the knuckle-draggers of the tree. If you want to go with a teacher themed gift, perhaps a scrapbook of "artwork" given to you by students? Fashioned into some kind of coffee table book, of course. If you want to get a bit naughty, I would say a bottle of K-Y should do the trick. My very favorite white elephant gifts, though, are the ceramic masterpieces that you can find at your corner Big Lots. You know what I'm talking about...Two foot tall ceramic orchids covered with a mauve glaze. Garden gnomes where the assembly line face painter slashed on a line of red, and two black dots and missed the mouth and eyes completely. Large vases with the glaze drizzled (ie. slopped) down the sides in shades of burnt orange and sunny yellow. Mariachi frogs, harmonica playing angels, rasta Saints, etc. Fucking brilliant.
On another note, you've gone and made me hungry for Guacamole. I think I told you that the doctor has told me to reduce the amount of sodium in my diet because of my blood pressure, right? It is unbelievably difficult. Last night, I was trying to make a nice broccoli stir fry using only onion, garlic and pepper for seasoning. While letting it cook, I was washing the dishes. Well, Confusia, Jr. comes up to the stove, and starts stirring, and then, I swear it was like slow motion...I look over as she's splashing some soy sauce into the pan...I was reaching out to grab the soy sauce, and shouting, "NNOOOOOOO!" but I was too late. She got the soy sauce into the stir fry. She says, "What?" I replied, "You can't put the soy sauce in there! It's loaded with sodium. It's got, like, a million grams of salt in it!" She says, "No way. It's just a little bit. How much could it have?" She looked at the nutrition information. One tablespoon of soy sauce contains 43% of the RDA of sodium for a 2,000 calorie per day diet. How...the FUCK...do you cram that much salt into a TABLESPOON??? Why call it soy sauce? I think they should cut the bullshit, and just call it salt sauce. SERIOUSLY!!! 43%!!! So, of course, I ate the broccoli anyway, because hell, that was dinner, and I was hungry. I think I'll run to the store at lunchtime and get some avocadoes and just make some homemade guacamole right at my desk. It will be like when the waiters come to your table and make it fresh right there. I can make it without salt, but the challenge will be finding something to put the guacamole on...Tortilla chips have lots of sodium. Celery is gross. Maybe I'll just lick it off of my fingers...lol. Like that's never happened before...ha ha
Love, Confusia
PS I keep trying to write a profile for Phil, but every time I see the picture, I can't stop laughing...Holy Shit, that's so freakin' hilarious!!!

Words to Live By...

2008-12-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

Hey Terps,
I have to share this with you. We had a kid get busted for tagging a desk with gang graffitti, and I had him write about it. This is what he wrote. I think you'll find it....instructive.
Gangs are bad because if you go to someone else's territorie they can shoot you and you can die. I'm sorry that I wrote on your table putting VC I'm really sorry I just felt like writing stuff on table's but the gangs there not good there nothing it will change your life really bad stay away from them make it to college don't be in the street killing people don't do drugs there bad for you it can mess you up the blue, red, yellow, brown, and green are the bad colors the safe color is black so don't go to the streets With them gangs stay in school until you graduate. Taging is bad to if you do it on trains tunnel or other places and you get caught you have to pay a five hundred dollar fine.

Terps, I'd like to nominate the second sentence of this paragraph as the longest sentence in the history of the world. You know what else this is? A bunch of BS. Seriously. This is a kid telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He doesn't mean any of it. I mean, you can tell how much education means to him, right? By the time I was this kid's age I was reading Gone With the Wind and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Now granted, I'm a flipping genius, but still...
Has this kid ever been introduced to punctuation? He did manage to spell most of the words correctly, which is amazing...Sometimes, public education is so damn depressing.
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
Being a public school teacher is bad, because if you go into somebody else's classroom, and ask them to shoot you, no matter how nice you are or how much you whine, they just won't do it. They like to see you suffer. Misery loves company. I'm sorry that I wrote on my application that I "like children" and think that being a public educator would "make a difference". I see now that I was just an idiot in desperate need of income. Let me lay it on the line for you, being a teacher is not good, it's real bad, it'll change your life but for the worst not the best, sometimes you'll think to yourself, "Did I really go to college for this?" and then you'll either start laughing hysterically or bawling and you won't know how to stop and then you'll probably get sucked into taking drugs just to make it through the day, you'll probably start with something like alcohol which you will sneak into your coffee and/or water bottle then the next thing you know your like Ms. Gerhauser, my high school French teacher, who go fired because she was caught shooting up heroin in the teacher's lounge, or at least that kind of rumor will circulate about you and you'll wish that your life was that fucking interesting, but no, you're just a middle school language arts teacher who sometimes comes to school wearing two different shoes because they are similar in appearance and you were half asleep when you left your house and didn't notice until you were standing in front of the class that one of them was brown and the other navy blue, but thankfully both of those are safe colors because they are neutrals, plus none of the kids is paying any attention to you anyway so you could be naked or dressed like a clown and they wouldn't notice. In other words, being a teacher is bad, and if you do anything like drink and drive or kill a kid or something (both of which this field can make you want to do) you might have to pay a fine or something.
Sincerely,
Ms. Terps
P.S. I tried really hard with the run-on sentences. I think my punctuation might be too good though. Sorry!
Yeah, it's hard to be bad on purpose when you're a flipping genius.
Overall, though, I think your essay is outstanding. So, where in the downward spiral are you, Terps? I haven't made it to the alcohol in the coffee stage yet, but I am at the "leave on my lunchbreak to go shoot up the nicotine" stage....ha ha
I haven't made it to any of those yet, nor do I have on two different shoes, but it's the kind of thing I could actually imagine happening. Thankfully testing will be over in 10 minutes and then I will be free from 10:45-12:40. (I love it when my planning period butts up to lunch!) I'm so OVER educating the youth of America...
Speaking of scandalous stuff...What have you been up to lately??? I miss the baseball euphemisms. You need to go do something naughty ASAP! We're getting too boring up in here.

Snatchdotcom

2008-12-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I was just over at snatch dot com, and it seems we are needed over there. I'll do some work on it today. Can you do a post or two also?
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
I just did a few more. Then I went back and read some old ones. Hehehehe!
Love, Terps
P.S. Why don't we add it to our genuis blogs we love list (of one)?

Interesting Trivia

2008-12-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

Hey Terps,
I was looking at the different tags we have for our blog posts, and I came up with this very interesting little factoid...

We have only four words that are used as tags TWICE on this blog. All other words are used only once as tags. So what are the four words we have used twice, you ask?

Booty Call
Freakshow
Grease
Belly up

What the hell kind of stuff do we talk about on this thing??? ha ha ha ha ha
btw... WHERE ARE YOU, TERPS??? Have your students finally taken over your classroom and feasted on your flesh??? Please contact me soon, or I'm calling DaThug!

Dearest Confusia,
So sorry I wasn't here Friday. Sadly, I had a workshop to attend. I also think I got food poisoning that afternoon as I spent most of the evening from 3 until midnight throwing up. In fact, they sent me home from the Warehouse because I had to go dry heave in the bathroom every 15 minutes or so. It was awesome. I loved it. I was MUCH better on Saturday, but then after eating dinner last night, the pukefest started again. Thankfully, we only have TWO WEEKS of school left so I have everything planned in such a way that the girls have to work, but I don't. Hopefully, I can concentrate on keeping this morning's Luna Bar down and, of course, blogging today.
More later!
Love, Terps

Oh, Fuck It...

2008-12-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,
I thought I might be able to come up with something to write other than that children are the spawn of Satan, which is something that we both already know. However, now that I'm trying to come up with the great idea du jour, I'm finding myself stymied. Oh wait, how about we do a list of things we hate...pet peeves and what not...This might be a good way to vent. My list won't be in order.

Things I hate: by Confusia
1. Seafood
2. Stupid people
a. Bush
b. Right wing pundits, etc.
3. Paying bills. When the fuck do you get to stop paying bills? Never! You have to die first. So you finally get rid of bills, but to do it, you have to stop breathing...
4. Dumbass kids who act like shit.
5. Not being able to do everything I want. While this is probably good for me in some way, I still don't have to like it.
6. Not going home to find Adrien Brody, or any other equally favored celebrity crush naked in my bed.
7. Not being a size 6. I'd settle for a size 9...
8. Not being rich.
9. Heaters and Air conditioners that don't work properly or in their appropriate season.
10. Wool sweaters or turtlenecks.
11. Bristle brushes. these all need to be consigned to the depths of hell ASAP!
12. fingernail files. Same reason as bristle brushes. I HATE the way they sound.
13. Laundry. I hate doing laundry. It's never fucking done. It's like bills. You get to stop when you die, or when you join the nudist colony, maybe...
14. Children who are independently wealthy without ever having to work a gd day in their lives. This is not fair. This is so unfair that it should be illegal.

That's about it for right now. There are alot more, but these irritating little shits right now must be supervised every second or they'll be gnawing on the desks...
Why can't you just tell them to shut the fuck up??? Just once!!!

Dearest Confusia,

I would say that this could be it's own blog, not just a blog entry, but here goes some of mine:

1. Cold weather....HATE IT! I never complain about how hot it gets in summer EVER, because I have found that it takes a lot longer to warm up than to cool off.

2. This idiotic work schedule in which the powers that be think we can actually accomplish anything between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

3. Traffic

4. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock.

5. Wasting time to come up with interesting lessons and then the only reward you receive is someone saying, "Why do we have to do this?"

6. Scheduling time for my classes to go to the computer lab to work on a project TWO MONTHS ago and having another teacher ask me, "So, do you really need to be in the lab on Thursday? Because it'd really help me out if you'd let me use your time."

7. Having groups of adults from other schools come in and out of my classroom to "observe and respond" all fucking morning long.

(Is it obvious I'm having a lousy day at work? At least I have a workshop tomorrow and I'm off campus!!!!!)

Love ya,

Terps

What a way to end a week...

2008-11-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,
I'm going to tell you this and then you aren't going to believe me. Then I'm going to assure you that I'm not making it up. Then you're going to laugh and point at me. Here goes. The 8th grade team took all the girls who were eligible to watch the movie Twilight this afternoon. Well, since I have a 6th grade class during 7th period, I asked if I could stay back so that I could teach my class and not try to find another teacher who would cover for me. Turns out that the trade off for staying here was that I had to cover another teacher's class during 8th period. So, I'm covering the dance class, and as the teacher didn't want to make me do anything too involved, guess what I'm getting to do with them. Right now, as I type this, I am watching the Lord of the Dance video. Yep, that's right. I know you're jealous. Try to contain it. What a way to end a week, eh?
As it turns out, I was out Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday for training and today is my first day back. I mean I guess it's nice that I only had to teach two periods today. That's a pretty easy way to slide back into the work week, but really???? This???
How has your week been? Have your heard from our record agent yet?
Love a,
Terps

That's pretty funny, Terps. When you first mentioned the Twilight movie, I thought the reason I was going to be pointing at you and laughing was because you were going to tell me you realized you were in love with the lead vampire teen. ha ha I could then have some vindication and snarky comments to make to get you back for all the Harry Potter taunts I've endured.
Alas, no.
However, you having to watch Lord of the Dance is ALMOST as funny, and probably just as painful as any "Huh huh...you love Edward Cullen."(in Butthead's voice) comments I could have made. It's just that, knowing your fondess for vampires (you know who I'm talking about) I thought "Just maybe..."ha ha ha
On another subject...I am THRILLED that today is the last day before Thanksgiving Break. When I leave this building today, I daresay that I will be doing some riverdance myself on my way out the door. Imagine me, arms stiff at my side, my feet and ankles kicking up with glee as I go down the hallway, and out the door. OMG> That is making me laugh. Seriously, tears are springing up!
I thought about taking Confusia Jr. to see Twilight tonight because I know she likes vampire stories. I'm torn because I also know that her attention seeking hysteria will probably cause her to start claiming to be a vampire, and so I will have on my hands for the next several weeks, a daughter who will ask for a coffin to sleep in, paint her face white, dye her hair jet black, try to grow extended canines, and ask me if she can pick her scabs so she can "feed". (BLURGH) ha ha ha I'm not sure if I'm up for that. If that's the case, she is for sure being sold on the black market, and I don't care who knows it. If not the black market, perhaps to the pharmaceutical companies so that they can do research on new medications to treat "vampirism". Imagine how much better this world would be if they could find a cure for all the people who think they're vampires! You want to know something crazy...I was bored at work the other day (I know...unbelievable) and I googled vampires, and I found this site where this dude (he goes by something idiotic like "whyte panther" claims to be a vampire, blah, blah, blah. His apparent girlfriend believes herself to be a "slayer". I mean, wtf? Is there not enough drama in the world for these people??? And why do they all have to give themselves ridiculous names like "Bloode Dymonde", etc. You ever meet one called just plain "Bob"? If you did, just wait till you saw him spell it, and you'd see, " BVQAHHB". STUPIDDE!!!!! So, yeah. I want a cure! I want a cure for "vampirism".
Whoa! Where'd that come from??/ ha ha ha Anyway, have a nice evening, and a lovely Thanksgiving week! If you get bored, Holla! ha ha
Love, Confusia
Wait! What do you mean you don't have to work o Monday and Tuesday?????

Back to the Daily Grind (and a year older no less)

2008-11-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Dearest Confusia,
I want to start by saying it was so great to see you on Saturday. It's so nice to know that we still got it... But I don't have time to do all the debriefing about the weekend just yet so instead I just want to tell you just how badly I wish you were going to be here this Thursday. Remember that karaoke club we went to here a few years back? The one we made that cd at. Not the weird 24 hour yellow room one, but the ACTUAL club. Anyway, they are having a paintball karaoke competition this Thursday in which first place gets a $500 prize. Granted, the people that suck get shot at with paintballs, but still... Oh how I wish we could participate!
Ok, gotta run. Crap to do! UGH! More later!
Love ya, Terps

Dammit, Terps, how can you tell me this? I feel like doing whatever I can to be there. If the reaction we got there last time was any indication, we'd win the thing for sure.
For those of you not in the know, this was an AWESOME place where we were the GODDESSES of karaoke. I'm talking about girls coming up to me in the restroom and telling me that they wished they could hang out with us because we're so much fun. (Which just goes to show how little strangers really know about each other..ha ha) Still, the fact that they were wrong doesn't make it any less freaking cool that they loved us so much. Man, I wish I could make it down there Thursday, I really do.

For those of you who are bored enough to care about how the weekend karaoke drunkenness went, I can break it down for you like this:
1. Alot of drinking. I can't speak for what Terps had for sure, but I had the following:
Lemon Drop
Rum and Coke
Chocolate Cake shot
Rum and coke
Chocolate Cake shot (a whole new one)
Amaretto Sour
2. Terps fell victim to the five foot tall old drunk dude not once, but TWICE, (at last count)
Not only did he giver her a big slurpy kiss on the cheek, he also grabbed her ass. I fell victim
to him only once, when he gave me a big, slurpy kiss on the cheek and tried really hard to
move it around to my lips. My neck converted to solid steel, completely immobile in its
determination to keep him from getting to the front part of my face.
3. We were offered "studio time" by some guy with a beret and a bunch of bling. He thought
we were stars just waiting to happen. So he called his friend who's in the "music business"
so we could set up a time to "perform" for him, so we could be "signed" to a "label. "
Translations are as follows:
Studio Time: Time in the back of a van
Music Business: Amateur Pornography Business
Perform: Give blow jobs on camera
Signed: Sold
Label: Brothel in Bangkok
4. Worst part of the night: You know that sucky song by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow? Now
imagine it being sung by the very drunken duo Hillbilly Bob and Patty LouAnn as they
gazed lovingly at, and couldn't keep their hands off each other. yep. Terps and I went for
another shot at this point.

BTW, Terps, did ya'll get into the freestyle rap battle with that guy after I left? I need to know what happened with that. Plus, I'm sure you were wondering, but I haven't heard from our friend with the beret and the bling.

2008-11-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

You're as old as I am again!

Isn't it nice that we can both be 25?

Love, Confusia

Get up here ASAP!!!

I am ready to go on tour!

Dear Confusia,

You promise that's the present you have waiting for me when I get there???

Love, Terps

Hey You!

2008-11-14T05:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Confusia,

Michelle says she hasn't been able to get in touch with you AND you didn't add to the "Things I plan to drink" list. Everything ok?

Terps (A year older and more wrinkley...)
P.S. I'm leaving school at noon today. Is it sad that I'm actually counting down???

Things I'm Looking Forward to Drinking on Saturday

2008-11-12T09:43:00.001-08:00

Dearest Terps,
Since you were kind enough to share a list of things you plan to eat on Thanksgiving, I decided I would share a list of things I plan to drink on Saturday. Please add to it as you see fit.
Many Tito and tonics, unless they don't have Tito's (which will sadden me) which can be replaced with some other vodka
German chocolate cake shot
Mind Eraser
Random shot that we go to the bar and slur, "Can you make us something good?"

Please suggest others!

Well, I might have a Lemon Drop. It just sounds good to me. I'm sure I will also meet up with our good friend, the Captain at some point. I'm really excited because i have a babysitter who's willing to watch the kids all night if need be. Holy Shit, do I owe her bigtime!!!

That's awesome! I think we should be sure to make a toast to her! Oh, and have you had a Tuaca Lemon Drop? Yummy!

Things I'm Looking Forward to Eating on Thanksgiving

2008-11-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Terps, Dearest Confusia,

Alright, it truly is this boring today. I was thinking, "Do I have anything to tell Terps today?"

and I answered myself, "Well, uh, it's a little chilly today....errrrrr......." Of course it's chilly there. My mom already sent me the "It's going to be cold this weekend so don't forget to bring warm clothes" email...

So I thought i'd make a little list instead. Knowing how much you, as a Vegan, love all that is Thanksgiving, feel free to add to the list. :) Thanksgiving....gag. I pretty much hate everything even remotely Thanksgiving cuisiney, so I shall give you my critique of the items on your list and then add what I will be eating on Thanksgiving day.

THINGS I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT ON THANKSGIVING:

1. Squash Casserole. This is the most important thing. I get to eat this once a year, and that day is only a few weeks away. I'm so happy! My dad does some actually brilliant stuff with squash, and we always try to get him to make enough for a battalion so that we can have it as leftovers for a week or so. It's all yummy, melty, squash, bell peppers, onion, cheese, cracker crumbles...I do't know what all is in it, and I'm sure it's a million gazillion calories, and I don't fucking care, because it is just that good. Once upon a time, long, long ago, before the thought of eating cheese gagged the nuts off me, I would eat squash casserole, but last Thanksgiving, when I was at my mom's just looking at it, it did something to me. I found it unwell to the eye. But I do have vague recollections of it being tasty. So very, very good. Just make it without cheese. (Did I just say that???) But it has butter and all kinds of other crap, oh and I don't cook so I wouldn't make it anyway...

2. Stuffing. I'm going to try to make some stuffing this year that is outstanding. Keep in mind that I always have these delusions of me as a master chef, and then when I burn the fuck out of everything, or it's all bland, or runny, or too much pepper, whatever...it breaks my heart. You'd think I'd learn. Anyway, I want to really try to get creative with some stuffing this year by adding some jalapenos and pecans. Last year my dad made oyster stuffing, and that's just not acceptable. He was forgiven only because of (see above) So, stuffing is moderately acceptable, but I am very suspicious of it for the most part because many a can of chicken stock has been hidden in it's cornbready goodness. Therefore, I avoid it.Well, this is easy to fix. All you have to do is make it with vegetable stock instead, and add a bunch of veggies to give it some exciting textures and tastes. Please see above about me cooking.

3. Pumpkin pie. Ambrosial nectar of the gods. I think I've mentioned this to you before, but I read an interesting study once that said that pumpkin pie scent was the number one aphrodisiac in the world. Seriously. They did studies on men and women, and the level of hormonal (sexual) activity in the, um, loins, was the highest when they smelled pumpkin pie. I believe this, and that's why I smear my body with a pumpkin pie every time we go out. Sure it may look funny, but it's POTENT! This explains SO much to me. Pumpkin pie, much like sex, repulses me. I find it the most disgusting of all the Thanksgiving staples. What if it's made of pumpkin pudding? (Oh wait...) The flavor and texture of it is so revolting.

4. Green Bean Casserole. This is the kind that has mushroom soup, and those little crunchy onions on top. I don't know why this isn't a staple at family dinners across America on a daily basis, but in our family, you get it once a year. We've learned to make the most of it. See, it's so funny to me to see that you like this. It's like you take a perfectly good green bean and then scar it for life. I think maybe I don't understand the concept of a casserole. Here, take these several cans of unrelated and inedible crap and dump it in an oven-safe dish and heat at 375 for an hour. I don't get it. Don't knock the casserole. Casseroles can be wonderful, comforting foods. Very tasty. Oh, please don't take it that I've never tried ye olde green bean casserole. I speak from experience.

5. Sweet Potatoes. In my family, we have two camps. One that says Sweet Potatoes are the best thing that ever happened to Thanksgiving, and the other that gags as the dish of SP are passed by them. I belong to the first group. Sweet Potatoes = Sex. Well, technically pumpkin pie equals sex, but sweet potatoes are a really slow, sensual make-out session that lasts for hours. I'd be a gagger. Again, I think it's no coincidence that I'm not a big fan of hours-long make-out sessions...What about when they have brown sugar and pecans in them? Uhm, let me consider it...NO!

6. Homemade rolls. I always joke that Thanksgiving dinner is never ready until my mom yells, "Oh God, The BREAD, the BREAD!" as she jumps out of her chair and lurches towards the oven.This happens either just before, or as the smoke alarm starts shrieking. Whatever. My mom makes some crescent rolls that are so good, you literally see family members hoarding them. Like, there goes Dad putting ten of them on his plate at one time because once they get around the table they might all be gone...ha ha People are tucking them into napkins and shit...It's embarrassing. This is usually the only thing at the Thanksgiving table I can eat, and that's because dear ol' mom takes pains to make sure to buy non-egg rolls and doesn't butter before baking.i belong to the "No Store Bought Rolls on Thanksgiving Club." As long as someone else gets stuck making them. You mean like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

7. Buttermilk Pie. This is not as good as pumpkin pie, but this is the only way I know that I really am a Southern Girl. Buttermilk Pie (should be read in a ludicrously exaggerated Southern Belle accent) is so warm and buttery and sugary. Again with the million calories, but so worth it.

How is it that so much stuff in the world tastes like crap until you put it in a pie? Pumpkin isn't too great until it's a pie. Buttermilk is downright nasty, but stick it in a pie and you've got culinary gold! Interesting. So, upon reflection, I just hate pie. I hate all pies. I hate pie crust. Yuck!Honestly Terps, this is a no-brainer. Who eats pie crust? Not me. You just pick out the filling. The filling gags me as well. The idea of all of it. Even foods I love, like cherries are made disgusting by baking them in a pie.

Anyhow, that's what I've got for you today. If you stayed awake throught the entire post then you win a free tofurkey. Congratulations.

Tofurkey's not all it's cracked up to be, and let's be honest, it's not cracked up to be much. You're pulling my leg... Your vertible tofurkey leg!One more reason for me not to participate in the Thanksgiving celebration. In fact, since I'm heading up to visit the folks this weekend, I decided that I wouldn't be able to go for Thanksgiving. (Genuis!) So, what will I have for Thanksgiving this year? I'm guessing a couple of vodka and tonics (because I have to work at the bar that day) and then maybe a peanut butter sandwich when I get home. Bon Appetit!

Terps

WE DID IT!

2008-11-05T06:25:00.001-08:00

Dear TERPS,
I am so excited that I lived to see the day that America would elect an African-American president.
More than that, I'M effing THRILLED that we have an end in sight to the past eight years!
Now get up here so we can get our drink on!!! ha ha ha
Love, Confusia

Dear Confusia,
I wish it was this weekend and not next weekend. I don't know if I can make it.
Love, Terps

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

2008-10-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
How's it going over there? Has Halloween fever already struck your little lovelies? Our girls are doing fairly well, but tomorrow will probably be another thing altogether. They aren't allowed to wear costumes (sadly) but they can wear Halloween accessories which is very exciting to them because usually they are only allowed to wear one accessory a day (i.e. one bracelet, one necklace, one ring, etc.), but tomorrow it's no hold's bar. They can wear as many as they like, as big as they like. That should be fun. I conveniently decided to have six weeks exams in half of my classes to help keep it calm. In the other half, they are having dress rehearsals for their performances next week, so that'll be crazy no matter what I do.
So, do you have any big plans for Halloween? I did, but then they got shit-canned. We were all going to go out downtown (think Nazi Death March), but then two of the group ended up having to work and the other doesn't drink and that just doesn't seem like much fun. I guess instead I will pass out candy to trick-or-treaters while simultaneously holding Rhoda back from eating the smaller of the children in the packs. Halloween + Rhoda = Pain in theAss.
Of course, I could do for Halloween what I did last night. When I got home from work (which, btw was early because I had someone else take my last period class) I went straight to bed. My vertigo was completely out of control yesterday. I was almost afraid to drive. Not so much as to stay at school mind you, but still... Anyway, I slept from 5 to 9 without interruption, got up for about 30 minutes, went back to bed, and then slept until 4 this morning. And I STILL feel like ass right now. What gives? I totally want to break up with vertigo. He is no fun!
How long until lunch? I'm hungry. As I told you Sunday, I'm on the cereal for lunch diet. I find myself craving things like potato chips and guacamole and chips and vodka tonics all day long. This cereal for lunch may be a two week thing only. (It wouldn't even be that long, but I bought 2 boxes of cereal so it'll take me until next week to finish it.) Any bright ideas on what I should try next. I just need something simple that I can keep at school. I always forget to bring a lunch in the morning.
Ok, should at least go act like I care the kids are in the room.
Later!
Terps
Dear Terps,
Yes, the kids here are already apeshit, but what are you gonna do? Actually, today I only have four or five in ISS, so it's not bad. this morning's duty was a pain and a half, though. I can only look forward to Monday when all the kdis will be sugared up and throwing candy wrappers everywhere.
My Halloween plans are also not what I'd have them be. I'm going to take the kdis trick-or-treating, and then back home where I might have a glass of wine by the fireplace. I can't believe I'm writing this, but it makes me nostalgic for the good, old days of the Nazi Death March that we endured that fateful evening. Remember that dude I picked up that night? The one we thought was gay, and that I didn't have sex with? Yeah, I think he was gay. There are just no other explanations for why he would have turned down a tumble with the ample-thighed cheerleader I was that night...ha ha ha ha ha He slept beside me, but nothing happened. What rocked about it was that he bought breakfast for all three of us the next morning. Sweet. I didn't even have to get pimped out for it...ha ha ha You know he's probably stayed at home every Halloween night since just to make sure he doesn't have a repeat of that evening. We totally ruined Halloween for that guy forever. However, I'm sure there will be others to take his place as we age. As for me, I can't wait to be the "Ample-thighed, eighty year old cheerleader" for Halloween. ha ha ha Wait, actually I CAN wait for that.

The picture is one I found on the web. Although i'm not (yet) in this picture, in all honesty, I applaud them for having fun in a society that tells us our bodies are never good enough.

Knowledge Is a BAD Thing!

2008-10-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

As I think you may know, I teach sex ed, er, women's health in one of my classes. Well, I have health educators from Planned Parenthood who come out and work on those classes with me. Our latest topic is Sexually Transmitted Infections. Imagine the fun. I have now convinced myself that I have EVERY infection listed in the brochure on my desk. Of course, I have none of the symptoms, but it says right here, in black and white, "Symptoms may not appear at all." That's me. I'm the symptomless sufferer of all known (and possibly some unknown STIs.) I've already explained to you in a pervious post of how because I bruise easily I have decided that I have HIV. Granted, I went and had a test that said I didn't, but tests can be false. Anyway, here are some of the other infections I've determined I have and my reasons for thinking so.

1. Chlamydia: is the MOST common baterial STI in America and about 3,000,000 Americans under the age of 25 get it yearly. I've been under the age of 25 for as long as I can remember, so I think that increases my chances.
2. Cytomegalovirus: symptoms include fatigue, fever, and general weakness. Do I feel warm to you? I think I feel warm. Oh Dear God! It goes on to say here that you can get it from kissing and touching. I'm going back into my bubble.
3. Gonorrhea: menstrual irregularities? Hell, that's my middle name!
4. Hepatitis: Oh wait. It says here that it causes a lack of appetite. I don't have this one.
5. Intestinal parasites: That expalains the bloating.
6. Scabies: I KNOW I have these. They come into my classroom everyday from 9:00 to 4:00.
7. Syphilis: I managed to skip the primary and secondary phases and rushed right into the latent phase. It goes on to say that if untreated, this can lead to death. I feel pretty confident I'm going to die one day. At least now I know the cause.
Your Very Sick Pal,
Herpesichore, er, Terpsichore
Dear Terps,
Well, I always knew you were a dirty girl...ha ha ha Seriously, allow me to add to this list.
Confusia's Diseases du Jour:
1. Pregnancy. I always think I'm pregnant. I know most people wouldn't consider this a disease, but I do, and God help us all, men can pass it to you in a heartbeat.

2. The ass polyps...These could be anything from flesh eating bacteria to genital warts.
3. Breast Cancer: Here's the thing: My boobs have lots of bumpy stuff. In fact, that's all that's in them is lumpy stuff. How the hell are you supposed to tell which lumps are alright, and which are lethal? I don't get this. I couldn't tell a gland, from a duct, from cellulose from a malignant tumor. God help me.

that's about it for right now. I'm having a fairly healthy day. :)

ASS POLYPS

OMG!

2008-10-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

What do you mean it's only Tuesday?

Disgruntled,
Terps

Dear Terps,

Why does it seem that the week lasts so long, and the weekend is only a flash? I don't know. I imagine work has something to do with it, though...

Never fear, I have come to your rescue with a picture of something that will make you count your blessings. You only thought it was a bad week before...ha ha ha
You're welcome.

Why Confusia, you're such a giver. I can't believe how selfless you are. Thank you!

Good Job, Us!

2008-10-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

We made it to Friday! Of course, I hate Fridays, but still it's WAY better for it to be Friday than for it to be Monday, si o no?
It is not even normal how badly I need a day off. I mean I'm REALLY in need of a mental health day. I would consider taking one next week, but we have our Shakespeare performances coming up and I guess I should be here to get the little darlings ready for that. Plus, I have a workshop for three days during the week after my birthday, and that just seems like a lot of time to be out. Granted, it's not fun nor is it a vacation of any kind, but it is getting a sub and being out of the class and all that junk.
I guess I can just dream about November 26th, Thanksgiving Break. Of course, I'm goning to try to pick up some shifts at the Warehouse that week to make a little extra cash, but...
I just counted it up and I have 33 work days left until Semester Vacation. Is it too early to be looking at that do you think?
I wish I was either an inventor who could make something that would make me millions of dollars so I'd never have to do a Monday-Friday, 8-5 job again OR a really hot stripper type who could snag herself a sugar daddy. I'm not too proud.
Speaking of hot stripper types, do you ever just wake up and decide that you are fatter and grosser and uglier than you ever realized before? That's me today. Today's the kind of day when I just completely disgust myself. Good times! Why do you think that is? Why do you think somedays we can be ok with ourselves and then other days we're just overwhelmed with disappointment? Perhaps if we figure that out, we'll unlock some hidden magic for the world?
Ok, must take some time during my planning period to go pick up a few items for my Halloween costume.
Love,
Terpsichore
Dear Terps,
Generally this occurs if I look too closely in the mirror when I am getting into the shower or bath. It is then that I think, "Wow. I truly am obese, and I need an epic Gastric Bypass the likes of which have never been seen before on the planet. It seems that I can fool myself most of the time, but every once in awhile the truth hits hard. I am always flabbergasted when you feel like this, though. If I had your body, I'd be downright dangerous! You wouldn't ever see me out of slutty clothes...ha ha ha I'm talking about hot pants, fishnets, and corsets. I'd go to the dang grocery story dressed like a Pussycat Doll. ha ha ha PTA meeting? Let me slip into a little bondage number...ha ha ha. I think this is why I DON'T have your body. God knows the world doesn't need me to be that way.
Kids are getting on my nerves REALLY badly this week. I'm talking about...I almost threw a tennis ball across my classroom yesterday in a fit of temper. They are PISSING ME OFF!!! I just don't have any friggin patience. I don't know if it's because I'm tired, or if it's because they're little bastards.
I am glad it's Friday. I'm leaving at 12:30 today to head towards San Antonio. I might stop by real quick for a visit if you're home. SURPRISE!!! Love you, Mwah! ha ha
Confusia

Confusia Gone Apeshit!!!

2008-10-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,

Welcome to my day. No seats left in In-House Suspension.

Confusia: From this point on, no one else ask to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. You have now all gone, and so do not ask me again for the rest of the day.
Student A: Can I get a drink of water?

Confusia: Can I rip off your arms and beat you with the bloody stumps?

PS I found it really amusing to google the following: "Pictures of angry Kong"

I'm just sayin'.

I hate Shakespeare. Three hours a day of listening to it is MORE than enough for any person (except those a-holes that think they are so fucking literary and smart) but now I have to stay after school to help a girl learn her part. Ugh!

Not to Make You Jealous, But...

2008-10-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I know you just went to the New Kids concert, and I don't want to tinkle on your parade. However, I think when I tell you where I'm going today you'll probably be just a bit envious. (Hence the reason I'm typing in green.)
I'm going to get my Well Woman's Exam today!!! Ha Ha! In your face!!!
So enough about that. Why haven't we talked about Halloween yet this year. You know how much I LOVE Halloween!!! Have I told you my costume yet? Well, I'll give you ONE tiny, little hint:

Any guesses?
Love,
Terps
Dear Confusia,
I can't believe you'd taunt me with the Well Woman Exam. Knowing that you get to have one today, and I don't makes me so depressed. How could you throw this in my face???
Well, since you bragged about this, check this out... I'm getting to clean the LITTER BOX today! YUP! How you like that?!? Plus, after that I have 3 loads of laundry to fold, 2 toilets to scrub, and a bunch of dirty dishes to wash. Jealous of you??? I think not!
I think Rosie the Riveter would be a GREAT costume! I have no idea what I'm going to be. Probably a bitter, old schoolteacher carrying around a bottle of rum...Oh wait, I dress up like that every day! ha ha

Do the New Kids Dance...part 2!

2008-10-21T12:18:00.001-07:00

This is most what he looked like that day, only without the b-ball court.

here, he is showing what i most wanted to get my filthy hands on...

Dear Terps,
So to continue, I was there backstage with a mega 44 oz cup of rum and coke, doing my best to blend in. Keep in mind that while I was wearing all black like the other stage hands, I had a neckline that...well, do you remember the infamous J. Lo dress??? ha ha Needless to say, i was the only "stage hand" with cleavage...
I was hanging out for awhile (literally. ha ha) but then i decided to go down to this little bar thing where the meet and greet was going to be. i went in there, got a glass of wine. that was awesome because every other woman in that room paid 375 for their admission. i paid nothing.
The NK bodyguard was telling everyone the rules for the Meet and Greet, so I sat sipping my free wine. Then I got bored, so I left to go back out. That's when they all came walking out of the dressing room area. Donnie walked past me, looked at me, and I at him. I'm pretty sure he thought something like, "That's a weird looking stage hand!" ha ha He continued walking. I can't say I blame him at all because judging by the other stage hands (the real ones) I don't think they were big New Kids fans. At this point, if I had gone over to mingle with the girls from the radio winners' Meet and greet, I would have met him and gotten away with it. But I was foolish and proud. Plus, they were a bunch of really skinny women with huge boobs wearing spandex. Most of the radio winners looked like they meant business, if you know what I mean. I didn't want to look dowdy in comparison. that was my undoing...foolish pride. The other New Kids bodyguard asked me what I was doing there, and I didn't have a legit answer for him. He told me I couldn't be in the area. Whatever. So I got attention, and that's what I didn't need. He radioed someone else, and from that point on, i was marked. I went upstairs to get MC. We managed to talk the security guy upstairs into giving her a sticker, too. We got into the platinum club again, but after that, we were walking around. this time, they took our stickers, and escorted us out. ha ha ha ha ha
All I can tell you after that is I really regretted not grabbing Donnie's butt when I had the chance, because it was really nice. Of course, you and I both know I'm not the type to do that, but sometimes, I really wish I was. If I had, I might have made it to the bus...heh heh heh.
MC and I were ridiculously drunk. she was worse than me, though. She was more friendly than I've ever seen her! Hilarious! she was in the platinum bar doing the New Kids dance from their old video "The Right Stuff". I was laughing my ass off.
We had a good time at the concert. Our tickets were on the last row. Seriously. We could barely see, and all those women were screaming, so we could barely hear, either.
I don't know what it is about that Donnie Wahlberg. I'm telling you I just have the hots for that man.
It was funny when he walked by me. I guess I had enough rum in my system that I didn't act weird or anything. Just walking by he's just a guy, you know? He wasn't as energetic as I thought he would be, so the word that he was sick made alot of sense. It seems so strange that someone I fantasized about endlessly when i was seventeen could walk by me, and I'd just do a little, polite nod to him. That was it. I can say, though, that
I WAS TEN FEET AWAY FROM DONNIE!!!!! It makes me feel a little giddy.

Let me add this in purple, Terps, because I couldn't figure out how to say this...now I'm going to add it.

Sometimes, when we like this celebrity or that one, all we ever see is pictures...on paper, on video, whatever. The thing that was so cool to me was I saw him not on paper. He's more real to me now, you know? I guess it's like when you spoke to Adam Duritz. You can verify that he exists... Confusia

PS Also, you know how when you do meet someone sometimes, they're not what you expected them to be? Either they're shorter (usually) or skinnier, or whatever. Donnie's not like that. He was exactly as I expected him to be. that was cool.

The End
Love, Confusia

Confusia Does the New Kids Dance...

2008-10-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,

Sometimes, life is good. I feel that I have some props coming my way for some shit I pulled last night...Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago, my sister and I decided to go to see the New Kids on the Block Reunion Tour in Dallas. I tried to get some cheap tix on e-bay, but some evil person outbid me in the last 12 seconds. My sis, who shall henceforth be referred to Miss Congeniality (MC for short) got some tickets for us. they were for the last row in the arena...I'm talking about, our seats were located in Ft. Worth kind of last row in the arena...

I decided I had to take action. Now, as you may or may not know, my sisters and I ended up being New Kids fans back in the day...18 years ago to be precise. We saw them in concert at Texas Stadium back then. Despite our best efforts, we didn't manage to meet a single one of them. This tour, though, Donnie, who is my favorite New Kid on the Block, has said that he will be "very accessible". If that's not a challenge, I don't know what is...ha ha I figured I'd try to find Donnie,in an attempt to score better tickets or backstage passes (also in an attempt to have wild monkey sex with him... ha ha). I got ready early, dropped the kids off at their babysitters, and headed for the arena. I got there at about 1 PM. I waited FOREVER at the employee entrance. At one point, this guy walked up pushing a baby stroller that had some gift bags in it. With him were two women, one a Hispanic lady walking a dog, and the other a blode woman carrying a blonde baby. I thought, "You know, Joe (of the New Kids) has a baby around that age. I wonder if that's his wife." The women had already walked in, but the guy with the gift bags was still outside the door. I said, "Are those the wives?" The dude, who I thought was like a PR guy or something, looked up at me, and I said, "OH! You..You're Joey." He said, "What? I'm Joey?" and just smiled, and walked in. I was laughing because I'm so dorky. So I ran in to Joe. Still looking for Donnie. Finally, at about 3:30, the guy working security at the employee entrance tells me and four other girls who have not gone off seeking greener pastures that he has five stickers that will get us backstage, and that he'll give them to us if we meet him in one of the parking lots at four. We did, and he gave us the stickers. That guy was really nice. I was still waiting for Rachel to arrive, so I decided to go ahead and see if the sticker worked. It did. I was backstage at New Kids on the Block. Donnie, where are you???

My Finger Hurts

2008-10-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

Last night, I woke up and my room was kind of stuffy. I decided, as it was nice outside, that I should just open the window and let some air in. Well, I hadn't opened my window since back in April probably, so when my half-asleep person tried to open it, the window was stuck. Well, in my attempt to pull it open, I managed to rip not one, but TWO of my fingernails off my fingers. It was stupendously awesome.

Now, I'm here at school, thankful for Bandaids, and wishing it was 3:55 in stead of 9:55. I'm not sure if today was the day that you were going to chaperone some sporting event or if yesterday was. I get to take the volleyball teams to a UT game tonight. I know you're jealous. At least once that's over, I am coaching free for at least 9 months. SWEET!!!

Michelle was supposed to come visit this weekend, but something came up and she isn't going to make it afterall. I kind of like the idea that I don't HAVE to get hussied up and go out this weekend. Does that mean I'm old?

Hope you have a great weekend!

Love ya,
Terps

Last Thursday I had to go on a field trip to TCU for a girls soccer game. It was swell. TCU lost. BYU won. I was starving. My story is told.
I'm sorry about your fingernails. That sucks. That feeling of your fingernails ripping gives me the heebie-jeebies worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. I can barely talk about it without feeling yucky-ness in my spine.
Confusia

Who Says Public Education Needs Fixin'?

2008-10-14T07:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Terps,
This was turned in to me on a sheet titled "Memories". I'm going to reprint it all word for word...
Terps, I give you The 6TH GRADE TEXAS STUDENT...(student's answers in red.)

1. I'll always remember a time I felt happy because some of the times I am happy, because as they say, ignorance is bliss, so come to think of it, I ALWAYS feel happy.
2. I'll always remember a time I felt sad because I don't no how to tie my shoes.
3. I'll always remember a time I felt afraid because Never in my life was I as scared as that time when Ms. B made me answer all these really hard questions without multiple choice options.
4. I'll always remember a time I felt left out because sometimz I get left out, like that time when my parents packed up and moved away and left me out of the plans.
5. I'll always remember a time i felt strong because always is a really strong maxi-pad brand and I like that.
6. I'll always remember a time I felt intelligent because some of the time when I'm in a room full of people with traumatic brain injuries and/or infants I seem pretty smart.
7. I'll always remember a time I felt successful because not all the time should you look at the fact that you can't do anything as being unsuccessful. For instance, if you are playing the role of "a bump on a log", being unable to accomplish anything is actually quite effective.
8. I'll always remember a time I felt frustrated because my sister (who is two-months old) scored higher than me on an IQ test.
9. I'll always remember a time I felt so angry because my cuzins told me I wasn't a good speller.
10. I'll always remember a time I felt so proud because I win something. It was really cool! I got to sit in the back of the police car and they had the sirens going and everything. It was really cool. I also liked it when they took me to that room and put my fingers in ink and pressed them on a piece of paper. It was neat-o!

Feel free to complete the sentences...ha ha ha (Not that I would ever try to score cheap laughs off of a student or anything...)
Love, Confusia

Enjoy!
Love ya, Terps

I laughed. Oh, how I laughed. Perhaps I'll answer them tomorrow! Oh wait, tomorrow I have to chaperone a field trip to a soccer game. It's sad that I'm actually excited about that simply because it beats having to put up with the daily BS I get in this classroom.

I Spy a Brilliant Blog!

2008-10-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

Have you checked out Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?
It's AWESOME!
Have a great weekend!

Love,
Terps

Could Somebody Just Rip the Band-Aid Off???

2008-10-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

I chose to use green to write you in today as it is Spirit Day, and the colors blue, white, and black are enough to induce vomitting in me.

Few times in my teaching career have I been less excited to be at school. I just feel completely and totally BLAH! I should probably be teaching the girls right now, but my head is throbbing, and I feel like crap. Instead, I am letting them spend the rest of this class period making posters to hold up during this afternoon's pep rally. I hope one of the administrators comes down to see the kids making posters and me working on the blog. That'd be awesome. The thought of today makes me sick. We are attempting to have school (but the kids are not engaged) and then we have the dreaded pep rally and then we're having a tailgate party and then I have to get on a big yella and ride across town to coach a game. When I finally get home tonight, at 10:00, I should be in great shape. Looking forward to it, for sure.

How's your hell?

Terps
Dear Terps,
Welcome to Gangland. I got more gangstas in here than every GodFather movie put together. I don't get it. I don't understand why the gang problem is so much worse this year than last year. No granted, towards the end of last year it was bad, but it is just too soon in the year for us to be having this kind of constant crap. Starting last Friday, every day this week I've had kids in and out, waiting for parents to pick them up, and letters being sent home about alternative school assignments due to gang shit. I'm TIRED of it. So allow me to vent for just a moment.
If you are a little gang-banging wanna-be asshole, could you just go ahead and die? Seriously. I mean, you're gonna get killed eventually, so why not just skip all the years of you being a pain in the ass for everyone else? Look at it as time management. ALSO, just stay the hell away from kids. Stay the hell away from them. Oh yeah...and die. Thanks. Check it out, I'm even writing in equal opportunity gang colors so no one has to get defensive...
Okay, now I feel slightly better, but not totally better. I'm afraid that can only be managed by someone getting Adrien Brody and a a fucking tropical island here RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!
Thank you, Confusia

Homecoming Hell, Day Two: The "Fun" Continues

2008-10-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

How are you? Again I write to you wearing something completely ridiculous, god-awful in fact. Today is "Twin Day", so several teachers decided we'd wear the girls' basketball uniforms. There ended up being 8 of us. I'm not quite sure what that makes us, octuplets? John and Kate plus 8? Not sure, but now I have to walk around all day in this less-than-figure flattering ensemble. At least I was smart enough to remember my lunch today and have no reason to go out in public looking like this. Of course, I do have the health educators from Planned Parenthood coming in to do sex ed with the kids. That'll be fun.

Speaking of fun...you know how I get up at the ass-crack of dawn to go to the gym in the mornings? Well, imagine my joy when I got there at 5:30 and the a-hole who is supposed be there at 4:00 to open it hadn't shown yet. It was one of those, is it worth for me to drive back home now? Should I wait a few minutes and see if he shows? Where the hell is he? kind of moments. Turns out he never showed up, but several trainers (who had appointments with clients) did. Eventually they called a locksmith out who pretty much had to take the whole door off in order to get us in. I had just enough time to take a shower and leave to come to work. Really??? I wake up at 4:45 just so I can hang out in my car until 6:45??? That was good times.

I wish today was Friday? And I wish I had a vodka tonic right now? (Is 9:30 too early for that???)

Terps
Dear Terps,
At least I don't have to wear poodle skirts and b-ball uniforms to work. I hate those moments where things go wrong, and you're like, "Oh shit, what do I do? What do I DO???"
It's sad that we are such creatures of routine that we get thrown off so easily. It reminds me of that ant in the movie "A Bug's Life" He's carrying the piece of grain in a line, but a leaf falls and lands in front of him. He looks, then wails, "I'M LOOOOOSSSTTT!" Yep, that's how I feel...
I'M LOSSSSTTTTTT! ha ha

Stupid Monday

2008-10-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest Confusia,

How are you? I write to you from my desk in my classroom wearing a poodle skirt and Saddle Oxfords. I look and feel like a total moron. It is homecoming week and today is "Dress Like Your Favorite Decade". The Fifties is not my favorite decade, but Rachel had that skirt from the Halloween we went as the Pink Ladies, so I figured, what the hey. However, now that I have it on I feel like a complete douche bag. Really? I didn't decide to go as the 90s? I could be sitting here at my desk wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, (for all intents and purposes, my pjs) but no, instead I'm wearing a skirt complete with tulle and sequines. Fun! I think the best part of the experience thus far is this morning, I had to get dressed at the gym. I found myself trying to justify to the ladies in the locker room (women I never talk to) why it was that I was wearing a pink poodle skirt. In fact, as I was leaving the gym, I had an older woman come up to me and ask me where I got the skirt. She informed me that she's going to her 50 year high school reunion and wanted to dress like the times. I almost took it off and gave it to her right there. Only that I would have been clad in nothing but my underwear kept me from doing do. Just when I thought the humiliation of it would end as soon as I got to school, it dawned on me that I forgot to bring my lunch today. Now, I'll have to go out in public at lunchtime and get something or I could starve. Starving is always an option. Have I mentioned that I look like a total tool?

By the way, if I ever see tie-dye again, I might puke. I guess the 70s is an easy decade to dress like? Ugh!

How was your weekend?
Dear Terps,
My weekend was f-ing swell, let me tell you. Last week I tried to get my car inspected, but no sooner had I pulled up than the dude was like, "That won't pass. I can already tell you've got an exhaust leak. Take it to so-and so, and they can take a look at it for you." So I drove it to the other place he suggested, and the guy told me it sounded like a cracked exhaust manifold. He said he could weld it for me if I could go to this other garage and have them take it out. So off I went, only to discover that they wanted 200 bucks just to take the thing out. On to Plan B. I went to a junkyard and got an exhaust manifold for 75 bucks. I took it back to the house and started working on the car. I got the heat shield off, but the alternator was in the way, and my weak female arms couldn't get all the screws on the manifold off. I called my father-in-law, and he came over to help me. I told him that there weren't any cracks in the damn manifold. He saw it and agree with me. He put a five dollar gasket in there with the old manifold, and the car passed inspection yesterday. Now the junkyard won't take the other manifold back, so I'm stuck with the damn thing. I'm going to try to sell it and an old boat motor Alan's got as scrap metal, though.
The funniest thing about this is we both know I know shit about cars and how to fix them. I was covered in grease, and blisters, but I did save myself some money! Plus, I got to feel like Rosie the Riveter...ha ha I'm such a badass car mechanic!
When the hell are we retiring to our island again???

Happy Fucking Friday.

2008-09-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Terps,

This morning, we had a little to-do out on the playground which has ended in a "mass suspension". 24 kids suspended for three days. 2 kids going to alternative school...All due to gang related crap. What the hell.

Also, I'm going to have to vent about the VP debate for just a second. What the hell is wrong with Palin??? Is it me? Did you watch the debate? Here are a few of my thoughts on it:
A. What in the name of God does she think she's competing for? She was WINKING at the cameras. Really??? Winking at the cameras at a Vice presidential debate??? I was floored.
B. The shout-out to the third graders...What the hell??? "Hey, Yo Man, I just wanna give a shout-out to my homies watchin' this thang up in AK, you know what I'm sayin"?" Since when do potential VP's do shout-outs???
C. Three words...Nook-U-Ler.
D. At first, I was like, "Well, she actually seems a bit likeable." Then I remembered that she shoots animals from the air, that she fires people who disagree with her, that she thinks banning books is acceptable, and that she's a totally vicious, ambitious, so-called "barracuda, pitbull with lipstick" who is probably already looking for a way to slip poison to McCain, and I didn't think she was so likeable anymore.

BLURRRGGGHH.
She makes me want to hurl. Seriously.
On the other hand, I heart Joe Biden. I was struck by that moment when he began talking about his family and teared up. His sincerity all night made Palin's artificiality that much more glaring.

Okay. I'm done. Tell me again when our Beastlie Girl Reunion Tour is again because I need a fucking Rum and Coke. Oh yeah, and "I'll Want to Make That a Double"!

BEASTLIE GIRLS: You'll Want to Make That A Double 2008!!!

Dear Confusia,

I refuse to discuss the presidential election and in particular Palin because she makes my blood pressure rise. I have never found anything even remotely likeable about her. I find her deplorable in all possible ways. But , I'm not going to do that to myself. Not on Friday; not at 1:30 in the afternoon.

As for the reunion tour, I will be in town the weekend of the anniversary of my birth, so I'll be there November 14-16. I am going to a basketball game on that Friday, so Saturday would probably be the best date for the performance. Of course, our third member and I had a bit of a confrontation last night so I can't say with 100% conviction that she'll be going with me. I would tell you all the gory details of that, but it is a long, complicated, 14 months in the making story, and my vertigo is too bad for me to try to get into that now. That and the fact that I really should be teaching these 24 child bodies in the room. I just can't seem to get motivated today. I should work on that, being as how my day will last another 14+ hours. UGH!!!

How's the other situation?

Love ya,
Terps

Little Things That Keep Me Going

2008-09-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Dearest Confusia,

I'm really glad to hear about your dry erase board. I too got dry erase boards this year. I find that exciting because although I had chalk boards last year, they didn't erase worth a crap and I found that incredibly annoying. Plus everyone knows that the high you get from smelling dry erase markers is WAY better than chalk.

So, how was your weekend? Mine was ok. Not long enough (of course) and not restful enough, but I did wipe out the pockets of several people playing poker last night so I have no complaints.

Shoud we practice for the reunion tour?

Terps
Dear Terps,
I do like the dry erase markers, but I find myself coming up with excuses to use my Sharpie "Magnum". We're talking about an inch thick marker filled with Sharpie fumes...Plus, the word "Magnum"...Not quite as good as "Moist Towellette", but still pretty intoxicating. (Pun intended)
My weekend was ordered up by Satan himself. Destruction, heartache, night at my mom's house. I kept looking up at the skies expecting to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse bearing down on me. I have no doubt that all four of those flaming horses would have taken a crap on my head as they passed. Sweet.

Absolute Genuis

2008-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

I'm not one to compliment myself, (in fact, some would say that I'm one to tear myself down) but I must tell you that my new plan for teaching this year is brilliant.

I have found that if I give the girls assignments and then have them teach the rest of the class what they've learned, I am absoluetly unnecessary in the whole education process. For instance, these are my lesson plans for today:
Mythology: the girls are researching the Greek goddesses and then they will perform "Oprahesque Interviews" to teach about each other about the goddesses.
Shakespeare: the girls have read short story versions of select plays. Now they are working on creating plays to teach the rest of the class these stories.
Leadership: the girls will have a guest speaker from a local abused women's law advocacy group come speak to them about service learning opportunities.
What is my role in all of this? I pretend to watch them and write in the blog.
Tell me, what do you think?

Terps
It is genius, yes. I'm going about things a little differently this year, too. Now that I have a white board, I can actually teach the In-House kids something. It's hard to do when you're drawing diagrams on post-it notes held up in the front of the classroom! ha ha
So I've been doing stuff about Shields. I have the old castle thing up again, but instead of knights, I'm teaching them about how to protect themselves from all the dangers that exist for them. Naturally, I designed a shield, too. Unfortunately, I couldn't be entirely honest about what I use to defend myself against the dangers of the world. Otherwise, the middle part of my shield would have been me propping my leg up on a treasure chest, while holding up for the camera a prescription bottle of Paxil! ha ha ha

I think that you should also be able to use the punishments and consequences of the feudal system as well. "You're not going to want to make Mistress C angry. I assure you of that!"

It Might Just Be Time

2008-09-17T08:41:00.001-07:00

For us to start this up again? New school year, more blogging???

My Dear Terpsichore, I believe your'e absolutely right! I mean, what else are we going to do with our time while we're at work? Work? HA!

So, as you wrote to me in a separate e-mail earlier today, it's time for a Beastlie Girls Reunion Tour. Now, if I'm not mistaken, we have gone on the following tours:

The George W. Bush Sucks Tour 2000
It's Better With Cheddar Tour 2001 (or was this our album name?)

I propose that our first blog post this year should be:
Name the New Beastlie Girls Tour!
With that in mind, I present you with a few ideas. I have no doubt that you will respond with even more brilliant ideas! Here we go:
1. Beastlie Girls: Bigger, Better, Damper 2008
2. Beastlie Girls: The Moist Towellette Tour 2008
3. Beastlie Girls: What's Our Point? Tour 2008
4. Beastlie Girls: Just Shut Up and Buy Us A Drink Tour 2008

Anyhow, I'm going to come up with some better ones...Those are off the top of my head while I'm supervising kids. It's hard to think past, "Why couldn't I be on a beach somewhere with a Pina Colada instead?"
Much love, Confusia (aka The Queen Sex Rock)

My Fair Confusia,

Yes! I think that it is safe to say that the Beastlie Girls Reunion Tour is on like Donkey Kong. In fact, I'd like to suggest that as option 5.

5. Beastlie Girls: It's on Like Donkey Kong Tour 2008

Now, back to the good stuff. I'm sorry, I mean that crap that is my life. I am currently listening to a group of 11 year old girls try to write an adaptation of Hamlet. Really? I went to college for this? I'm sure good ol' Willy would be so proud... Oh, and I can't wait until the bell rings in 15 minutes so I can run to volleyball practice for two hours before I get to go to the hoity-toity fundraiser until 9:00 tonight. Yippee! Ok, let me throw out a few more tour titles before I log out.

6. Beastlie Girls: You'll Want to Make That a Double Tour 2008
7. Beastlie Girls: Does Anyone Have an Excedrin? Tour 2008
8. Beastlie Girls: Really? This Is My Life? Seriously? Tour 2008

Ok, I need to go pretend I care what the girls are doing.
Peace out!
Love ya,
Terps
Yes! I'm all about # 6 "You'll Want to Make That a Double Tour 2008"
Sweet! It's the perfect name! I'd say it describes the Beastlie Girl sound, and experience perfectly!
The Queen's in the house, what ya gonna do??? Go AWOLLLLLL!!!! ha ha ha

Everyone's Still Fully Dressed

2008-05-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

Just thought I'd take a moment to give you a brief update on my weird dating life.

I had a date with a third guy on Saturday. Here's the info: Mark, 35 yrs old, works in computer advertising and marketing, from Dallas. He and I went to lunch. He was a perfectly nice guy, and we had a great time. Here's the thing I can't seem to get my head around: Why haven't I met the creepy scumbags that everybody has warned me about? Kelli told me that when she did the online dating thing in L.A., it was a total nightmare. Maybe I've just been really lucky??? Anyway, he's leaving today for Costa Rica, lucky!!!

Updates on Jim and Xavier...Jim and I went to lunch yesterday (Indian food is oh so yummy!!!) We had a great time, though he did beat me at a game of darts, and as you know, I didn't handle that way. I swore I'd have my revenge. Anyway, it was a good time. He works during the weeks on site (he's a petroleum engineer) in Beaumont during the weeks so we might do something this upcoming weekend. As for Xavier, he and I went out again on Sunday night and we are meeting for dinner again tonight. I guess my ulterior goal is to gain a hundred pounds before school lets out.

Anyway, thus far, nothing creepy has happened. In fact, they have all been perfect gentlemen. It's pretty shocking actually.

Ok, I guess I should get back to work. When will it end????

Love ya,
Terps

Trying to Decide

2008-05-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

I'm trying to decide just how in-depth I should get when explaining the background on these two dates...

-Terps

Dear Terps,
I suggest full disclosure. :) How else will I be able to inject a full range of sarcastic humor when I respond? ha ha ha
Love, Confusia
PS I will write more later. I've had crazy week. In the meantime, see above.

Dear Confusia,

But it's all just so sordid. Ok, I'll try. So, we have a friend (she lives in the greater DFW area) who has a profile on a dating site. She has been nagging me over and over and over again to make a profile for myself. Well, I never did because the whole meeting someone online thing just seems so very bizarre to me. But even more bizarre to me was that she is CONSTANTLY meeting people and going out on dates and whatnot. So I started thinking, "Why is it that I never get asked out? Why is it that she has such a great social life and I seem like a social pariah?" So after she was telling me about some guy she was seeing I said something to her about how jealous of all her dates I was. She kind of ignored me at first but later in the conversation she asked me, "How do you find information to share with your kids in class?" So I told her that if I didn't have enough resources at school I just look on the Internet to get more information and blah blah blah. Then she asked, "If you are planning on going to some restaurant but you don't really know how to get there, how do you find out where it is?" And of course I said, "I look it up online." So finally she said, "Our lives are so busy that we rely on the Internet for everything. We get directions, phone numbers, we shop, right? So why not use the Internet to meet people?" So I kind of played around with that idea in my head and figured, why the hell not. So, I put together a very bare bones profile, and by the end of the first hour I had like 25 messages in my box. Now, for the most part the guys were gross or creepy or too unbelievably wonderful, but after all the rummaging, I managed to come across a few possibilities. We started emailing each other and before you know it I have a date with one guy on Monday night for disco/sushi/ karaoke (which was super fun) and one the next night for sushi (which must be a good first date) and drinks. Both of them were great, not creepy, total gentlemen, and I had a great time. I think that might be the exception and not the norm, but...

So, I was supposed to have another date tonight, but I ended up postponing because I'm just exhausted. I went out Monday and Tuesday, had my bowling league yesterday, and work tomorrow night. I decided that tonight would be overkill. However, he and I are going to lunch on Saturday, so we'll see.

Now for the low down on the first two guys.

Monday, Jim, 33 year old engineer. The date was super fun both because of the atmosphere and the guy. He was easy to talk to, but it was REALLY loud so we didn't get to know each other too well. He did, however, ask me if I would go out with him again sometime next week (his sister is visiting Austin this weekend) somewhere a little quieter where we could talk more. So, if he contacts me again, I'd likely go.

Tuesday, Xavier, 32 year old sex ed and family planning teacher. So, I should start this by saying that he is Puerto Rican and has curly hair. That was about all I needed, however, turns out that he and I got along really well. He is super easy to talk to and he and I have a lot in common. (He mentioned the Smiths and the Cure throughout the night.) The next morning he sent me a very sweet, gentlemanly email that any girl would love. He's supposed to call me tonight and I think we might be planning on meeting again on Sunday. There is something very articulate and intelligent-sounding about him that makes me think some people might find him slightly effeminate (like Julian Sands or Jude Law), but as he has curly dark brown hair, I'm able to look past it for now.

OK, I think that's it. Have a field day!

-Terps

Dear Terps,
That sounds really good, actually! I'm glad you're enjoying yourself a bit. I imagine those guys' eyes lit up when they saw you! "Cha-ching! JACKPOT!" I think it's entirely possible to meet someone good online. My sister Heidi met her now husband on e-harmony, you know.
I'm not exactly sure how my personal life is going right now. Mr. came home a month ago, he was taking his medicine and doing great. Things were going really well. A week ago, the med. stopped again, and it's getting difficult again. I'm observing, and I think, quietly and calmly going through a bit of a grieving process right now with the understanding that I'm going to have to make some changes. So bear with me if you can. I've also been having really tough times at work with the number of kids, the sorts of behavior, etc. Every day is a challenge. There are some good things, too, though. Last night, I was re-reading Jon Stewarts' AMerica, the book. LMAO...The part that struck me as particularly funny last night was when he lists the requirements to be President. "You have to have resided in the US for the previous fourteen years." Jon continues with something like, "Fourteen years...because fifteen is too long, and thirteen isn't enough. Thirteen?...please. Get fucking serious."
For some reason, that's been making me laugh all day today. "Thirteen? Get fucking serious."
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Great. Here comes another little shit into my classroom. Yippee. I wonder what this one did.
Set fire to the playground? Spray paint the cafeteria? Knife the custodian??? ARRRRGGGHHHH!
Love, Confusia

You Might Wanna Brace Yourself

2008-05-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,

Guess who had a date last night and has another one tonight...

Love,
Terps

Dear Terps,
Who with? Two dates in two nights??? What gives?
Love, Confusia

Oh, nobody that I've ever mentioned before, mostly because I haven't known either of them very long. Last night I went to this disco-sushi/karaoke saki bomb adventure with this guy named Jim. Initially when he asked me out, I wasn't really interested, but then I thought, "What the fuck else do I have going on Monday night?" So I went and had a surprisingly good time. The guy I'm going out with tonight, Xavier, seems like someone I'm initially more attracted to, but that's usually the kiss of death, so who knows. (He does have curly hair though, and I might just be willing to put up with anything for that.) So the weird thing is that I have been a complete and total wreck both days. Like I said, I'm not particularly invested in either of them, but this whole "going out on a date" thing REALLY does a numer on me. I start focusing on everything that might go wrong, every flaw I have (and focusing on that is a full time job), etc. Anyway, I'm off to get a haircut. I'll give you the details tomorrow!
Love ya,
Terps

Hey! Confusia Throws a Tantrum, and a few other things, too.

2008-05-14T10:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Confusia,
You doing ok over there?
Love, Terps

Oh geez, yeah, I'm terrific. I had a major meltdown this morning at the house. I threw a big old fit, and a few other things, too, but I'm all better now. I got to work, and I have 15 kids in In-House today. I have made them work like nobody's business today. I started them out with a two page essay on correct behavior. Later on they were talking when told to line up for bathroom break, so I sat them all down again and let them write down a list of informative steps on how to line up quietly.
Last week, the Prin. and VP told me that I was sending too many kids out of In-House back to the office so they sent me yesterday to observe the IHS program at another 6th grade center. I explained to them that I thought they wanted me to send troublemaking kids back to them to be sent home in order to make the parents be responsible. So whatever. I had fun over at the other school all day. They wanted me to pick up some attitude lessons from the IHS teacher over there. Yeah, okay...she has a tiny little space right outside the VP's office for IHS. There are 4 desks in her room. I asked her how many she averages per day. She and the VP told me "About 3 per day, on average." If they get more, she moves to the cafeteria, puts them one at a table, etc. I have a classroom that holds 15 kids. No carrels, no wall space to have desks facing the walls, etc. Today, I've got two kids sitting at my desk doing their work. That cleared up another two spaces...who knows if I'll get those desks filled by the end of the day. This is my average day. 3 <15
But I did pick up something from the other teacher. She looked at a kid and said, "Don't make me have the 'Come to Jesus' talk with you, Boy!"
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Love, Confusia

Blah

2008-05-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
Do you ever have one of those days when you just hate yourself?
Love,
Terps

Dear Terps,
Why are you feeling badly? What's going on? I do have days when I want to get away from me, of course! Please let me know what's got you down.
Love, Confusia
PS Today I will love you enough for both of us. :)

Dear Confusia,
I know this just sounds so "Oh woe is me" and shit, but today I feel:
old
fat
boring
tired
and so on...
Somedays I just wake up and think, "Oh God, this is as good as my life is ever going to get," and that frightens the fuck out of me. Ugh!

What's My Problem Exactly???

2008-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Confusia,
I want to preface this with saying that I know that everything I am about to complain about is of my own doing. I really can blame only myself for all this junk, but nevertheless I'm about to commence to bitching about my life.
This weekend was absolutely exhausting. Forget anything I've ever said about the weekend and know that this weekend I actually wanted it to be Monday so that I could get back to my normal work schedule.
For some reason, I decided that it would be perfectly fine to work not only my normal Friday night shift, but I also decided that I could work Saturday AND Sunday. Seriously? What was I thinking?
I was so exhausted by the time I got home Saturday night that when Steven (whom I had after-work plans with) called I had to tell him that unless he wanted to watch me sleep (probably with drool running out of my mouth), that we'd have to reschedule for another time. Which we did, for Sunday when I got home from work. He ended up staying over until midnight and now here I find myself DRAGGING ASS at work.
Why do you think it is that I feel this compulsion to work so much?
Love ya,
Terps
PS Did you get the book back?

Well, I'll tell you...I don't know. I myself have no such compulsion, but end up working all the dang time anyway. This past weekend wasn't so bad for me. In fact, I'd say it was really great! My job at work, though, is much easier than my job at home, so I'm in a different situation. You could take the time off and just relax on the weekend if you wanted to. I'm FORCED to work. My life is kind of weird right now as I think about it.

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K." I just like to stick that line in randomly wherever possible.

I got the book back, but haven't had a chance to read it yet. I should get it back to you by the end of the day. Hope springs eternal!
Love, Confusia

BOWIE!!!

2008-05-02T09:00:00.001-07:00

He's cute, huh?

I especially love his expression in the top picture! He is really cute. He looks more Labrador-ish thatn sheep dog-ish to me, though. He looks to be in pretty good shape, too! He's going to think he's in Heaven living with you! Imagine going from a house where you're living with 100 other dogs, and how filthy that must have been, to going to live in Terps' Doggy Palace where you have your own little house, and even a beautiful, red-headed girlfriend named Rhoda! He's a sweetie doggie. Would you like a pet possum to go with him? Because I can hook you up. :)

Love, Confusia

PS Will this school week end soon? Please?